My addiction is you.

My addiction is cutting.

My addiction is cutting because I miss you.

These addictions won’t go away no matter how hard I try.

It’s you, its always been you.

My addiction.

-Gillian Askeland

I miss those late nights. Those late night cuddles and kisses. Us ordering pizza on weekends or weekdays and going to my house and eat it. How we loved watching movies and just holding each other. I miss laughing nonstop because of those sarcastic comments. That moment I would catch you staring at me, or you catch me staring at you. I miss those I love you’s I miss those late night drives with the windows down and music up. I miss talking to your mom and talking about random stuff. I miss laughing with your family. And how your family would always try to get me to eat. I miss always agreeing with your brother when you would give him crap. Or how we did fireworks together and chased each other around. I miss our dirt road trips until 3:00 am when I would tell my parents we were watching movies. I miss those moments we got to share. But now here we are making them with other people.
-Gillian Askeland

During the hurricane, you were the eye of the storm. Calm and kind.

You took the pain away when you came along. You calmed my storm that raged inside my soul and mind.

When I wanted to drown in the storm you came and pulled me out of the hurricane.

You gave me a secure and safe place to stay while my world was crashing down all around me because of the **** storm.

I got to sleep during the storm when you were there.

You are the calm after the storm.

And the eye of the hurricane.

-Gillian Askeland

I put on my makeup and I’ll put on my clothes.

I’ll paint on my smile and dress to expose.

I’ll laugh to keep the tears down and drown in my own soul.

I’ll twirl my hair and act like my life is amazing.

I’ll be extra nice to those who need it.

I’ll get called names but I’ll push them aside.

I’ll go home and wipe off my smile and cry in the shower.

I’ll take the razor to my thigh and watch the blood mix into the water.

I’ll finally be me and not the girl everyone sees.

-Gillian Askeland

The human mind is truly the scariest thing of all. Because sometimes we don’t control ourselves. Our voices and demons do. And we have no way to be in control.

It truly is the scariest thing

-Gillian Askeland

It’s my funeral today. I’m scared to go.

After a couple hours, I’ll be on the ground with dirt on top of me. People will walk over me again.

I’m scared to go to the afterlife. I’m showing up today and I want to give everyone hugs and tell them I’m still here! But I can’t.

I’m gone. I’m pale with my makeup done and in my mother’s favorite dress that I owned. (I didn’t really like that dress) but that’s the dress I died in.

I overdosed in that dress. I wanted my mom to see me one more time while I was still able to be held in her warm loving arms.

I feel bad for passing the pain onto my parents.

But they are strong. Whenever they see a white dove they will know it’s me.

Time to go and see all the crying faces that made me do it.

There are so many people. Even the mean girls are crying. The jocks who used me and called me a **** is crying.

I miss them actually. I want to give everyone in the room a hug and tell them I’m still here!

But I can’t because it’s too late.

-Gillian Askeland

As she lies on the bathroom floor with a pill bottle in her hand. She doesn’t realize so many people adore her, love her, and look up to her.

She felt so alone and so unwanted. She was fighting this battle no one knew about.

She never understood why it happened to her out of all people.

She was tired, so she took her mothers pills and locked herself in the bathroom. She ran a hot bath and washed her face and hair. When she got out she decided to do her makeup and put on her mother’s favorite dress. She made sure she unlocked the door for when her parents came home. She took a piece of paper and a pen,

“Dear momma and poppa,

I love you both so very much. But this world is just not my place. My wings are already here waiting to come out. I’m sorry I hurt you oh so very much. But I’ll be looking down on you. I’ll always be here. Just hug your pillow tighter and you’ll make it through the night. Watch for a white dove. Because every time you see a white dove that’ll be me checking up on you. This was not your fault. I love you oh so very much.

Sincerely,

Your beloved child.”

Little did her parents know that their only child was gone. She was gone… She took the pain away.

“Jocelyn, honey where are you?”

“Jocelyn”



“911, whats your emergency?”

-Gillian Askeland