8 years passed.
Feelings are still strong.
Old texts I continue to read.
I knew we had a special bond.

I’m happy in my current relationship, but they’re not you and never will be.

I hope that one day I can just forget you but as of now, you’re all that I see.

Swerving left and right, switching from lane to lane,
I shouldn’t be here

Hard impact, banging my face against the steering wheel as shattered pieces of glass cut my face,
I shouldn’t be here

Airbags, dust, debris everywhere, I can’t see or breathe,
I shouldn’t be here

Gasping for breath, as I fall out of my car on my hands and knees, gravel spikes my hands and saliva is running down my chin,
I shouldn’t be here

I stand up and look around me, through all the wreckage and car parts scattered all around the street,
I AM still here

My feelings don’t matter,
Lie to my face.

Lie about who you’re with, lie about the time and place.

Tell me that “your phone was dead” or that “you got busy”

Later you’ll ask yourself “he’s probably not gonna reply anymore, isn’t he?”

Tell me that we’ll be okay, tell me that we’ll be alright,
Tell me this is worth it and that you’ll continue to fight.

Tell me you’ll be by my side no matter how how rough things get.
Tell me that you’re not ready to give up, not just yet.

I struggle emotionally and it always gets the best of me,
When you want out, just let me know, I’ll give you your space and I’ll let you be.

Why should I care?  
Why do I choose to feel the emotions that I do?
Why do I sit alone in my room, with nothing on my mind but the thought of you?

Why do I worry?
Why do I cry so ****** much that my vision becomes more than impaired and everything around me turns blurry?

I hate the way I feel, I hate that I care so much,
I spill my emotions over a keyboard so, you too, can hold the pain that I currently do,

This is only the beginning, I know I’ll be stopping here, on this website,  so much more frequently because of you.

How many loved ones must be lost?

How much blood must be spilled?

By the hands of someone with a chip on their shoulder, a fully loaded rifle and an ambition to ****.

I knew I was never perfect, I did all I could do,

I look back at it now, I deserved so much better than you.

Do not hide emotions.
Do not suppress feelings.
Shed tears, when they need to be shed.
Feel pain, when pain needs to be felt.
We are all human beings.

If all is suppressed,
“Numb” no longer is just a word,
It’s a way life is lived.
I can promise you, it is not a life worth living.

Smile when you are brought joy,
Yell when you are brought anger,

If nothing is ever felt,
Individuality is lost.
When individuality is lost,
We are nothing more than just a lifeless walking corpse, waiting for our time to come to an end.

You were there for my birth,
You tried to raise me.
The drugs rotted your brain,
Nothing was ever the same, nothing turned out how I wanted it to be.

Violent from the withdrawals,
Swinging your left and right fists at my brothers and moms jaws.
We couldn’t do it, we had to get away.
We boarded a plane, a small place in Colorado is where we decided to stay.

I grew up away from you, without a father figure it made life tough,
Learned how to drive, work and survive without you dad was hard enough.

Mom got remarried, her husband I grew to hate,
The way he loved his kids, broke me down, I cried alone in my room with an extensive amount of heartbreak to contemplate.

Years pass. I live on my own, regardless of all the *******, I still talk to you and make sure you’re okay,

Dodging cops and violating probation is a game you still continue to play. You weren’t there for much of my life, but regardless, I still love you dad and nothing will ever change that.

Maybe one day you become a better person and we can do all the things a father and son should.
But in the meanwhile I’m living with this pain, wishing you the very best.

Every night when I sleep, I see you there,
Hold you tight in my dreams but when I awake there’s no signs of you here.
She left without a trace, my number blocked in her phone.
I’m forgotten here, stuck in my 9-5, struggling to keep on going,
She’s living a happy life without me,
And I get sloshed every night dreaming about what we could be,
I’d be fine, I would be okay,
If I at least got a text saying “I’m sorry, but I really think it should be this way”

When it’s my time,
Tears of those that I love will begin to shed,
Saying their goodbyes while I lay deceased and motionless on my deathbed,
When it’s my time,
I’ll be dressed my absolute best,
Dropped 6 feet below as my body is finally laid to rest,
When it’s my time,
My room will remain untouched and my stuff will remain the same,
Until the ones I love finally build the courage and go through what remains.
When it’s my time,
I will be forgotten about as the world will continue to turn,
All life forms will continue to evolve, grow and learn.
When it’s my time to go,
I’ll be ready.

Gone you may be,
But forever in my heart you will stay,
December nights will no longer be the same,
And I’m partly to blame,

These memories I’ll carry until the day I die,
Now if we ever speak it will be no more than a solemn, hollow “Hi”

I would be heartless if I didn’t make one of these for you one last time,
If you come across this, smile a bit, because it sure can light up a room,

I hope your heart heals and you find what you are truly searching for, thank you for everything one last time,

So here’s to you, my first, and only true love, thank you.

-Matthew Martinez

One week you’re my soulmate.
The next you’re a stranger that I don’t even bother to take a second glance at.
The temporary love you provide is not what I’m looking for,
As my days get busier and busier,
My heart grows colder and colder,
To the point where love is no longer what I search for,
Stability and honesty is rare to find nowadays,
But I have given up the search to find that.

You make me forget.
You make me forget all the ****** up things in my life,
You make me forget about all the ex’s I had who did me wrong,
You make me realize that in this moment, and this moment only.. it’s just us,
Taking tours down I-70, back and forth, under the spell of city lights, listening to our favorite songs.
Talking about everything from past heartbreaks, to the big futures we have ahead of us,
You’re everything that I’ve been searching for in this lifetime,
Thank you friend.

You’re gonna sit there,
Clutching that bottle in your hand,
While the waves of sorrow and despair slowly engulf you until it chokes you,
Until you can’t breathe,
As it consumes you. I’ll be watching from the shore while you gasp and sputter for help.
I’ll be sitting there, flicking my cigarette with a grin on my face,
Slowly get up and turn my back on you, just like you did when I needed you most.

It makes me sad,
Everyone around me is falling in love,
While I sit here fighting the urge not to fall apart,
Reminiscing,
Realizing the love and affection we once had for each other faded like a candle’s flame,
dimming into darkness with nothing but a stream of white smoke that slowly disappears to be forgotten about.. just like us.

You piqued their interest for a night,
You piqued mine for a lifetime.

Tight, low cut clothes will make any guy bat an eye,
But make someone like me just shake my head in disappoint.

Attention is something you crave,
Just not from the one who deserves to give it to you, from anyone else who even thought about taking you home for a night.

In a world full of lust and heartbreak, I was the one that loved you. But it was my fault I fell in love with a..

We spent one last night together..
Old lovers that formed a temporary spark until the sun came upon us,
My lips touched yours.. fingers grazed every inch of your body like they used to,
Your touch made me think everything was okay, like you were mine and I was yours once again..
But the thought of never seeing you again simmered in the back of my brain and brought tears to my eyes,
With you in my arms one last time before you vanished like the moon did that Sunday night,
There was an US.. there was an us just one last time..

I’m THAT guy..
She hits me up at 3am after clubbing or partying,
Far from sober..
Telling me she’s just looking for someone to hold her..

We’d spend ENDLESS hours sitting in your car, but with how amazing you were.. and how firmly you grabbed my heart.. those hours felt like very brief seconds.
Getting that “come outside” text from you at 3 am, I’d tip toe down my stairs and out my back porch door to rush out and go see you,
You always had that Amity Affliction CD I gave you bumping as I would open the door to your car and be greeted with a nice warm hug and a soft spoken voice that would always whisper in my ear “I missed you” as you would squeeze me tighter and tighter.
Every night.. we had no destination. Talking for hours and hours and my god.. how I loved the sound of your voice. How it comforted me during my times of deep distress.
These are the nights I would live for..
We would park on the side of a dirt road and lay on the hood of your car, with your head on my chest and we counted stars together as I would kiss your forehead and you would hold me a little tighter. Your scent is something I’ll always have imbedded in my mind and my heart.  
The chemistry was irreplaceable but the time for “us” was never right.
You cross my mind every so often now as I sit on my porch with a half smoked raw cone. I wonder how you’re doing.. if who you’re with is treating you the way a princess deserves to be treated.. I’m not sad because it ended.. I find myself smiling because it happened.. thank you ❤️
-Sorrows

You had me at hello, well at least I thought you did, you were someone different, I was blinded.. I was only a kid.
From sitting, spending time with you in your mom's car on several cold winter nights, to now.. Everytime I see you my heart takes flight.
I was sad and depressed and I couldn't figure out why.. until you took the time to disarm me.. showed me I was worth a lot more, not just any other guy. I remember it perfectly.. deep in conversation, until I reached over and kissed your lips and felt a deep sensation. From the start I knew I felt a spark, and until this day.. that area, remains our park. You helped me find a better side in me, you traveled so far figuring me out.. you saw parts no one else dared to see. Before I knew it, emotions hit me left and right like a slap to reality, I knew it was something real.. I know you would agree. I've made mistakes and I can't apologise enough for that.. thank you so much for staying it means a lot.. Signed.. Matt.
-Sorrows

I lay here on my wet pillow that's filled with every tear I'm currently shedding.
The pain and hurt is agonizing.. one moment I'm screaming in anger the next my eyes make like waterfalls and continue to spew down my cheeks.
Do you know what it's like. To be so in love with someone it's unhealthy? All you can think about is them.. how every aspect of them is ******* flawless but oh.. how it breaks you and tears you down when you don't see eye to eye.
Her beautiful smile turns into a weapon that always gets used against you and keeps you up at night..
How.. you don't want to fight with them.. it's just not worth it but it happens regardless and as you lay in bed.. your heart beats louder and louder..
Have you.. ever been so down from someone.. that through the mistakes and changes you never left their side.. not once.. because they have your heart and always will.. they have you're everything and without them youre just a ******, broken, pathetic mess.. the feeling is consuming.. and just the thought of them ever leaving your side feels like taking a spear through your heart and...You just helplessly bleed out..
These nights I lay awake with too much on my mind.. hoping to get some sleep.. but without you.. I have no hope at all.
-Sorrows

My heart.. Is shattered.
I spend every night soaking my pillows in tears and sweat.

I feel nothing.. Nothing at all but sorrow and regret.

No motivation.. To will to go on,
The reason is because.. You're gone.

Every memory we shared, for all the times we shared a smile..
I knew it would only last a short while.

There's no one to blame.. No one else to call to but me.
All these feelings.. All these emotions.. Prevent me from sleeping at night.. They just won't let me be.

You're someone I'll never forget, each night I'll spend with you not here..
The pain is just unbearable.. But until our paths cross again.. I'll be here waiting for you my dear..

-Sorrows

Through all the pain and the hurt..
The tears left on my shirt..
You will always be my princess, my queen.. My reason for happiness even if you're not mine anymore..

I'll wait here.. Doing everything right.. For days.. Weeks.. Months.. Years.. And in the end.. If you're still not mine once again.. At least I can say I tried.

These memories we shared will haunt me like ghosts who were never able to rest easy..

Every smile we shared.. Every time I got to hold your hand.. Every time I got to hold you close at night.. As you would whisper "hold me tighter" all of that is forever etched in my brain..

My heart will forever belong to you even if you decide to give yours to someone else..

I love you... And I'll never let you go.. You'll forever be mine.. Until the end..

-Sorrows

Fighting.. Struggling..
Its like a huge weight of depression, hurt and regret fell on my chest. I'm struggling for air but.. Its consuming me. The only thing that keeps me going is the constant reminder that everything will be okay.. Even though its not true and ive just been lying to myself..
Living in a lie.. Putting on a fake smile for everyone but in reality.. I'm just ready to give up.. On everything..
**** turned sideways so quick.. I didn't even have time to react.. But here I lay.. Clutching the pillows closer to my face.. As they work as a sponge to soak up every tear I manage to drop.. I'm. I'm just ready to give up.. Call it quits.. I don't deserve this life I was given..

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I wasn't ever enough for you,
I'm sorry I became so attached to you like super glue,

Not knowing that we would grow apart so fast and detaching from you was what hurt the most.. Because honestly.. I had plans with you, growing old.. Hell.. Even sailing on a boat from coast to coast..

I know I'm a handful.. I admit it but.. Sometimes I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror without constantly judging every inch of myself..

I love you.. You taught me to love myself but now.. Now I feel like I'm not even enough for myself..

So.. When we get to that point where we say our goodbyes.. Just know.. I would have done anything for you.. Even leave you alone completely.. So you could be happy with another guy

If my heart could speak.. It would tell you how much it loves you.. And that it beats for you.. And only you.

It would tell you it cherishes all the memories we have.. From making eye contact with you and smiling for the first time to holding you and saying good bye for the last time..

It would tell you how much it misses being in your warm embrace.. Also how it wishes it didn't **** up so many times..

But I can speak more than my heart can..

I would tell you I'm sorry for all the times I've wronged you in my life... All the times I've broken your trust you had for me.. Honestly.. I wish you didn't have to go..

I spend my nights alone.. Sitting in the dark questioning every part of who I am while twirling my only friend I've ever had through my fingers..

It acts a paint brush to my canvas that's on my arm.. The only color it has though is a dark.. Disappointing red..

The only difference is... This will last forever.. It will leave me a permanent reminder of what I've done.. It'll act as a ghost later in the future and will haunt me until the day I stop breathing..

Your initials are forever marked on my cut up and broken heart.. They will always be there and will never fade..

The reason why we hold onto memories so much is because they never change.. But the people that you made them with can...

I'm winding down to my final days of being on this cruel place we know as earth.. As I bleed out from my paintings all over my arm... I want my final words to be.. "I love you.. And my heart will beat it's last beat for you.. And you only.."

No matter what you wear.. Or how much makeup you apply.. You will always be the only one that catches my eye..

Every time I look at you.. I fall even deeper in love.. Is it a curse or a blessing that I feel everything I said from the little stanza above?

Whatever the case may be.. I love it... Every time our eyes make contact.. My heart skips a beat.. Its really odd because honestly.. I've never felt this way before..

Your personality is really something that shines.. But when your appearance and personality combine.. I realize why I'm completely weak for you.. To put it in Pokemon terms.. You mean more to me than a level 100 Mew..

I say you're beautiful but you never believe it but that's okay.. Because I'll stay here the rest of my life to tell you everyday..

It hurts.. The feeling is unbearable..
I gave you my all.. I gave you more than I've ever given anyone.. But it never meant anything to you.

The times I needed you most... The times I wanted you by my side, you left me there soaking in my own tears with nothing but the feeling of pain deep down in my chest.

It disappoints me that I saw potential in you.. But in the end.. I'm here alone.. Once again.. I put my all into us.. So when you left.. You took it with you.. Now.. I don't even know if I have anything for myself.. Nothing.. But a shattered heart that had once belonged to you.

In a place.. In a country full of freedom.. I've never felt so.. So trapped..

I'm constantly finding new ways to break free from this hell that we call 'life' but in the end.. I always find myself in the same place.. Exactly where I started.

The weight of depression and sadness pulls you down like an anchor into an ocean full of nothing but sharks that will bite you in two without hesitation.

The struggle of finding a reason to keep going.. Everything you once loved, every passion just turns into a pain that taunts you endlessly.

Smoking, cutting, drinking ... Anything to take the pain away temporarily until.. Until its all over. You're stuck there.. With nothing but yourself and your thoughts to keep you company..

There's nothing in the world that's forever but the pain that continues to follow you no matter what you do..

The only happiness that you can manage to find is through the Marlboro pressed to your lips.. To the shot of liquor in the little glass cup in your fingertips.. Or to the blade that you put to your wrist waiting for that oh-so beautiful crimson to trickle down it like a dead tree.

It all takes a toll on you... Before you realize.. You're on your deathbed wheezing out your last words.. But at the time.. It was all worth it for those temporary moments of happiness..

For you.. The one I love..
The one I shall share my best memories and the rest of my days with..
The one who I shall stand beside no matter how fierce the tides of the this ocean called "life" gets.
The one whom I will always love and cherish as the days of life wind to a thin.. As the darkness of the world collapses on us..
As we share all of our sorrows and fears as one.. All of our moments and happiness as one...
And most importantly... Share our love for each other as one.. I love you.. More than I ever thought possible