I have Pride.
Always wore it on my sleeve.
When things got bad..
They were because of anything but that.
Except for a girl
Which I loved with all my heart
And if I wasn't Gay..
My heart would still be intact.
But I've got Pride.
And I ain't afraid to wear it on my sleeve.

One slip of the tongue
The lights flick out
Stars don't rise.. The moon doesn't light the way
Locked in the closet... That's where you wish you were to be
But one slip of the tongue
The cute messages are thrown into the ocean of black and grey
E-mails don't appear... Voice-mails are nowhere to be heard
Stapled to your bed.. That's where you hope to be
It's as simple as one *slip of the tongue

You should come here

So I can kiss along your jaw. So I can make your heart run faster and faster, until it's flying through the night. So I can feel your skin up against mine, your bones pressed into mine. So I can just hold tight through all the hours that wreck me. So I can be there to see your beautiful life, just so I can just be there, to love you. Like you deserve and never let go.

Rebuild your tracks, but not retrace as the solo idea takes flight.  They're just words kid, string 'em together and see what you find.  Stuffed behind records and splattered on parchment. They make history out of these things girl,  you just ****** a stick, dab some mud and tattoo your unscathed hands. Like all these words make the greatest neighbor hood. You can see the stage from way out in outer space.

We were the ones
Stuck at the back of the class
Because of the signs taped to the front saying
Beware of Dog and Live on the Moon
And through the galaxies filling our heads and the
closed war through the monkey bars
We ran. We ran like this was tag and being tagged was to be shot
No matter what you are, you are the same as me, as her, as him
We're all made up of star dust

The ripped out
crumpled
torn
papers that held
a surprise
has been taped back into the book

She never wanted to adopt
She had
3 miscarriages
So her only resort was adoption

And she ended up with me
A shredded flag that used to be
Something she enjoyed

I'm stressing
Present slipping downhill
Future not good enough
Past drags me down

No motivation to start working upwards
No idea where the tunnel leads to
No strength to let go of the old days

I'm stressing

I'm trapped in this room
Only free when I'm at school
Feel like I'm unwanted and useless
Can't wait to get onto the bus
I evade all the yelling and scolding
Get called dumb and little
When I'm in the classroom though, I become a genius
They try to accept me
How I'm not like their first kid
Feel like I was energy and precious oxygen
Only able to move in one building from 9:15 to 3:50
I'm locked in a box
The key tossed into the nearby river, settling in the soot at the bottom

Watch out as we struggle to maintain
the withering roots with a dose of intolerance
Blasted through the decade aged monitor that
We can't afford to replace because these
suits and briefcases are tattered together to call substantial and the white building you cruise to each day ain't that blinding anymore
For all the 'accidental' 'unknown' and 'uncaptured' hangings you dated
And the collar around your necks
Got no creases in them
Like those on the hand of his sister
as she sits by the coffin

We were supposed to let go of each other,
supposed to walk different ways
and
never
talk
like the beginning of awhile

We were supposed to split,
supposed to fall out
of a first love
and
keep the emotions
inside the chambers of a heart

We were supposed to,
But why does it still hurt
Raw, tender, stinging
Nearly 12 months
Later

We were supposed to,
So why can't I wash out my feelings for you
Love, admiration, security
Stapled
Into my heart
And I don't want to rip the remaining ones out

Were we supposed to
Bleed out?

The aftermath
is almost worse than the surprise and maybe
It's just me-
Wrecked after every time we hang out
Becoming so close and intimate and vulnerable with you
Getting into the mindset that we'll be this way for a good while
But we wake up, like a one night stand
And we have to say goodbye
It wrecks me

But it's demanding to be felt now
So I will not hold back even though I'm weak
And I realize after you leave each time
That I'm alone, in a new city, friendless, homeschooled
I don't really have a life anymore
And maybe that's why
Waking up is the worst part
Because we have to throw clothes on a just say goodbye

And I want to steal you for more than a couple hours in an afternoon
Or for a night
I'm clingy and I don't want to let you go.
Because even though I know it's not
It feels like we are so separated. And

It kills me every time I know you left and are doing your life thing.

The aftermath is sometimes worse than the surprise for me.

You turn into a punching bag
When you play tag
That's just how we play out here
You can only play if you have not one fear
Bruises lead to blood
Then all of a sudden it starts to flood
It's no longer a game, but a war
Anyone can join, including the poor
We'll stay up late
You've got a chance to change your family's fate
Just like The Hunger Games
Except you're not forced to put in your siblings names
You've gone from first to last
Just need to remember you past
Lined around the block
The crowd's watching as the clock goes *tick-tock, tick-tock

Lost everything I had,
Put it all on the line for you
Willing to give you my life
Now I'm empty,
But somehow I still have things to give to you
Like friendship and funny stories
Like trust and hugs
Like hope and promises
Like love and anything else I've got

Everything swam out of reach
Put it all on the line for you
Now I'm vacant
Of feeling and expressions
But I somehow have plenty left to give you

Whispers in the dark
Yet they're screaming out my name.
I'm sorry, I just don't care about you anymore.
Needin' the shine of the stars
To guide me on my way.
Back home, I'm wrecked again.
Glad you had a good time.
But the party's over now.
And you're still hungover...
You got high off those **** whispers right?
I think you're just too love drunk to tell the difference.

Bring it on,
I'll gather all my soldiers
And we'll go to war.
Quit sweet talking baby.
You'll get run over.
Tell me this isn't what you wanted
And I'll bring you those whispers again.

So let the battle begin
Head down the side streets of suicide
It's all too much isn't it baby
All to much for you to take.
And you're running, running,
You're running for cover, for your life.
So let the battle begin.

Coping with the wounds,
Bleeding out your sorrow.
I'm not sorry for ending you.
I loved the way you made me feel.
Holding in all the bad in life.
Led me on my way.
Back home, I'm wrecked again.
Not there to clean it all up.
Left alone in the new light...
You're looking for a new high
Find Satan for me will you?
I've got to say something to him.

Come and get me baby,
Drag me back.
I've been waiting to fight.
And maybe to end it all.
Try to cut my wrists again.
You'll be the one who ends up bleeding.
And you ain't got nowhere to hide,
Go ahead and take shelter in the open baby.

So let the battle begin.
Head down the side streets of suicide
It's all too much isn't it baby?
And you're running, running
You're running for cover, for your life
So let the battle begin.

Hi Mom,
I've been trying to tell you and I already have, but you took it as a joke and when you ask questions , you've always had this tone of disapproval if I said yes. But mom, I'm a guy. Not a tomboy girl but like an actual guy that's just stuck in the wrong skin.
I don't want to be known as a girl. I never have because it's not who I am. I'm not your daughter, or Ali or anything that has to do with being a female. I'm pretty sure you could sense I wasn't ever a girl anyways. I've always wanted to be and act liek Sean and Dad. Not how you or Grandma would act. I want to be your other son, Jamie. That's who I am. That's who your youngest kid is Mom.
I feel super awkward whenever we go shopping for clothes because I don't belong in the girls section. I want to wear mens clothes mom, mens shoes and keep my super short hair. Because I'm me whenever I get the chance to wear mens clothes and be looked at as being a boy. And in public, when people mistake me for a guy, I actually really like it because that's who I actually am.
Mom, I'll be a high schooler next year and I want to be known as Jamie. A guy. School would be a lot easier and better for me if I was known as and reffered to as a guy. Plus, I wouldn't get second guessed all the time if I were a guy. And I know you'll probably say, "No. I'm not going to call you Jamie or male pronouns and you're not going to dress like a guy." but mom, this is who I am. And I'm going to be me, no matter what.
I love you a lot mom, and I would've told you sooner or later but now I can live as me and not have to worry about being a girl. I'm still your second kid too, I just go by a different name and gender now. And to be fair, you've never really had a daughter in the first place, just a son trapped in the wrong skin and clothes. I love you and am glad I can live my life as me.

Love,  Jamie

Beat me, bruise me, leave me your pain.
Take from me then, the need to use a cane.
Stay close to me, keep me free
I want to walk tall and with pride
Stumbled and fell, is that enough to say I tried.
Let me wander, but please call me home
Beat me, bruise me, leave me your pain.
Let me walk away and I might just leave on the train
Release me although you may be weakened and torn
Please don't be rattled when you find-
a half empty dresser and unfinished bed in the morn

I look to the clock staring at me from the opposite wall
50 minutes left until 2013..
Time to start thinking of a resolution to try and conquer
Maybe hold onto a girl for more then a month
Or gain some pounds and build more muscle
I am nothing but a limp blob on my bed at this time of night
45 minutes until 2013...
Time to turn up the music and push through my drowsiness
Maybe.. Maybe I can stay strong this year and not have any medical issues
Or maybe pass Algebra I this year
I'll be going into high school in a matter of months
Uh-oh.. That woke me up into panic
Only 6 months until we get kicked out of our house...
Maybe my reslution will be to earn some money to help my parents keep us in a house
Or maybe I'll make my resolution be to help my dad find a better job so we don't have to get through by the skins of our teeth
Or maybe I'll climb Mt. Everest..
And that's my messed up resolution for 2013...
Come at me bro! I'm ready to put up a fight before I go down!
Look to the clock on my wrist
Only 30 minutes until 2013...

Stain my hands yellow for the unfaltering hope I saw
On the sidewalks slipping into the subways
Stain my sleeves red for the blood in me
Mutt blood, disaster, harmfully pristine to still have any
Coat my collar in silver for the linings I've come across.
Coat my chest maroon for the forests
I've wrenched apart, set on fire to teach you to save that stained piece of paper
Hit me with grey and honey glint-
For the sunsets you watch after the
Roaring thunder and ocean of lightning

Rock me under blue for the whitecaps that
Sunk your ship, drowned your men, swallowed your breath

Stow me away in white for the blazes which
Paralyzed you in the uncertainty and catapulted you to marry her

Paint me a shade
And I'll paint a church steeple in Italy
A wedding cake in the Bahamas
An apple tree flower heavy with fresh rain in Washington State

Paint me black
I will illuminate the souls that form your constellations

Paint me a shade
I paint a snapshot
One brush stroke at a time

They say,
Don't. You'll just fall for her over and over again.
Maybe you're not worried about the falling.
You just don't want me to strike gold.

She said,
Don't. This was my fault. I'm sorry.
Maybe it was your fault.
You just can't see me make another mistake.

You said,
Don't.  You're the most important one in the end.
Maybe you just can't keep me away from the intersection of HeartBreak and Stupidity Lane.

I said,
Go.  I have so much to think about right now.
Maybe I have one thing on my mind...
And that's to ask you to give me a chance.

Will you promise to hold me while I fall apart?
Will you promise me to light the way we're heading?
Will you promise me those two things?

Will you promise to make me keep breathing?
Will you promise me that you'll hold my hand?
Will you keep these promises if you make them?

Will you promise to be my sister until the end of time?
Will you promise me that we'll make the climb side by side?
Will you promise?

Will you promise me you'll love me?

I hope you love me
I hope you'll climb next to me
I hope you and I will be sisters forever
I hope you take my hand in yours
I hope I keep being forced to breathe
I hope you'll light the way
I hope you will hold me when I fall apart

But that's all I can do.
Is pray, hope, wish, believe you'll keep these promises
Babe, I love you so much, you have no clue.

Taz, you're my sister from another mister.
Just promise me this:
Forever and always, TOGETHER.

Head's throbbing
The demons have come, they're robbing
Everything I hold close to me, nothing's staying
My life is what I might end up paying

Not a thing in this ******* world
Is worth having all your happiness wrecked, your life unfurled
And you have to be punched day after day
Hiding in the shadows, praying that everything would just be okay

Razors become friends
After tonight, you don't even care if your tattered body mends
Mirrors take a shot at your heart
Force you into believing things will be better if they come from a shopping cart

Nothing's quite real
Your senses shut down, you get to the point where you can't feel
Locking yourself into the deepest hole
People try to save you, they pry at your bunker,  and it's starting to take its toll

You reach the bottom.. You go head first
Anybody could see your want for love, an undying thirst
Your best friends smile can't even make life worth living
This ******* world you got chained down in is unforgiving

Caught in daze
You're trapped in the back of the worlds hardest maze
You go in a million circles for nine years
Seems as if you're soul is being sold by an auctioneer

You're worthless
As the days go by, you become mirthless
A rope is there, you know where it leads
But you know that it leads to major needs

Slip off your ledge
Here at the bottom we all silently took this pledge
That we would all end life together, unified souls
All that we would leave behind were coals

Then one by one, we fought back
We were tired of all this grey and black
Fought for each breath
No longer dancing with death

We were going to make it out of here one way or the other
We climbed for our sisters, our brothers, our fathers, our mothers
WE could make it through Hell
We were getting out of this city.. Done listening to that ******* city bell

Fighters, survivors, all one in the same
Our passion had come back to us, we wanted the gold and the fame
Of being a somebody, of being worth something someday
Honestly, if you want to live like us, to  live like a stray

Go ahead, be my guest
See what it feels like to be on Suicide Road strapped into a death vest
You threw away gold Riley. You just threw it away.
Once we shut off the lights and close the door, you'll just self-destruct and decay.

I love you way too much for you to go down
Your prince, he wears the most beautiful crown
But babe, I promise you, he won't be down there
Listen to me, I've been there and you know what.. I'm stupid enough to care

Things may not be perfect
And this whole wanting to change is just a side effect
If you slip too far, you're in the eye of the super storm
You'll be dead or near to it.. I can't let you go and try to see you transform

So don't go Riley. Please.
You're standing at the door
In my hand are the keys.
If you want them, you and I'll have to go to war.

It was exactly 2:00 AM...
You had lost your cool
Only this time, was the last time
The little water left had finally boiled over
And now there's nothing left inside
***, ****, Crack, ******... Acid... Over Dosing...
Getting high, mentally exploding couldn't even do it anymore
And through your eyes, I guess I looked like:

Like a monster in your space show
Crushing the man in the moon, your best friend
Droughts would come into your life
Nobody helping, people running out of your heart
You caught easy like a lighter
Followed by a monsoon of angry tears and heavy depression
You sank to the bottom like a boulder
Nothing could stop these seasons
As I look back, you were incurable, made to self-destruct

I turned out to be the destroyer
Smashing ambitions and to be honest babe,
Your future darkened because of YOU, not me.
Yeah, I'm sorry I had to say goodbye, we all are...
It didn't help that I couldn't love you how you wanted me to.
A part of me went with you once you left Earth
And for some reason, I don't want it back.
Babe, Suicide Street has a cross on the side of the road in front of the old Oak.
Scratched into the little white wooden cross, is your name: Vail Hawkenson
Suicide Street just grew a little darker.
Now there's thunder booming, lightning cracks.
You're home now.

This life I live
Just seems to be dragging on
I'm depressed every time I wake up
14 years, and I want to give up

I can't seem to look forward to anything
Friends are drifting away
I'm tumbling down into a gully and being forgotten
14 years, and I've lived long enough

Whisper to myself to **** it up
Appears that only the talented throw their lives away
Done trying to save myself, cause it's not working
14 years will be on my tombstone

This Memorial Day
Will be a Memorial for me
My legacy, and how I ended it all.

Maybe I cry so much because this time it's for something
Real.
And I've always played 'that' part until it
Molded to me and now I'm not acting.
Not been pushed this much in my life now
That my legs are dragging and I'm drooping over.
Scrambling to word it right and make change
Happen.
Unaware that this cause could go up in flames and
Take me with it.
Peel off this red, white and blue body because I'm
Not living *The American Dream.

Remember all those years..
Parents telling you about high school, and all that it holds
Teachers instructing you to work hard in preparation for high school
Friends joking and eagerly waiting for that time

All those years swim by
Parents quit talking
Teachers loosen their grip on our leash
The months add up now,
Parents have completely ignored us
Teachers take the reigns once more
Friends cling to your sides

We're only 7 months from walking through the front doors,
Nobody can tell us what to expect
Because we've made it
We're already here
And when we thought we were ready,
Boy, some of us wish to be trapped back in Mr. Davis' classroom
Or chained to the table in the commons for lunch detention

Our whole entire lives are out on a tight rope,
Cross to the other side, with a couple of close calls?
Or will we tip over and crash from the high?
Just a few more months.. Couple more class periods
And the feeling of safety and reassurance vanishes
Ready or not..
Here we come.

Going from a booster seat in the restaurant,
To a wooden chair at the dinner table,
Then to a back seat in the family car
Now you've made front seat
But you beg to be back in that booster seat, with a bib and a goofy  toothless smile

And so I burn you,
With my heart, my matchstick
Stuff you into a lantern
Raise you into the navy sky

So that my sister,
She can smile without you trying to drag,
Trying to drag her smile into a frown
And so that my sister
Is able to walk around with you gone
So she can walk without a shadow

I'll drag all the smiles in this ****** planet
Just so you could smile
I'll sleigh all your demons
Just so you could laugh a little louder
I'll capture all the stars
Just so you could shine a little brighter

I love you,
Keep fighting
Because you don't have a white flag to plunge into the battle field

Trenches have been dug
I dug them and now I'm called nothing but a wretched ****
River banks have started to erode
Seeing my home town again, a mess, made me implode
*** holes have been filled
The tar were my emotions that were killed
I've been used,
Too many rentals before I crack.
Scratches spread,
Like butter on bread
Couples split
Their hearts turning to a dark, deep pit
Trenches have been dug
But to no prevail we loose life, loose light.
Tornadoes of another kind have come

****** boy, ****** boy
You're playing with the wrong toy
That truck is only for the boys

Lost girl, Lost girl
Put on a pink dress, spin around and twirl
That's what you're supposed to do

****** boy and Lost girl
They're one person, their life is unfurled
A hell washed over hir and now hir head's underwater

H. I. R.
Not a her or he clearly

And I want to just scream, no
But ****** boy put down that toy
Lost girl, go put on that dress and twirl
My mind says trucks and mud
But the bigger people say to twirl

And so I twirl
Around this world, placing my feet on the continents
Singing to the oceans as I glide on top of them
And so I twirl..

But maybe I want to watch while my daddy's fixing our car
And maybe I don't twirl the way all the girls do
Maybe I have a rougher, less eloquent twirl

But Maybe I want to listen as my brother's talking football plays
And maybe I don't have the brightest, girliest smile
Maybe I've got one only fit for a boy

Maybe I want to play with trucks until the sun hides
Maybe I want to be the quarterback on the field
Maybe... I want to make cities in the sand box

Maybe it's because... I am a boy.

Speaking softly to yourself.
She's in the room across the hall.
And you're afraid to cry if she hears you..
Just speaking what you're going to ask her.
"Mom, would you let me be a guy?"
And all of a sudden, your whisper is shaking
and tears of worry and shame slip down your cheeks

I feel more lost
And yet more found on this night
I pace in the mirror
pull out a pink sweater shirt
"If you like how you look in this, don't tell her"
I think as I pull it over my shoulders
I hate how I look...
It's not me.
Grab my skater jacket and cover up the pink
And then I smile. This is me.
I have to do it one way or the other.

The timer rings and the birds shoot from the barren treetops.
Abandoning of the little hope that was kindled inside of me.
Sync our heart beats and wipe away the fog of us.
Flick off the nights I would stay perched on my bed.
Enclosed in your arms for the first time
but feeling emptier than when I was solitary.
Keep talking... Make me laugh..
Make my hate and longing for you wash away.
Try to patch up my mind and soul and scratched body.

Let me run away
To holde you late in the night
And make it alright

Life goes on
And we must separate the wood from the rain
I find myself trapped in clouds of grey
Mourning, grieving, breaking

Life keeps on rolling
And I'm swept under by the rip tides
Crying for a breath of air
To say goodbye.

In the midnight cold I'll be the hand that closes
the shades 'cause now it's just a chilly stale air coming through the window
And when you're fast asleep under the sheets I'll be the
far away breath from thinking of how I'll say
Goodmorning not to the beautiful
but to the breath taking simplicity which
Spills from your veins to illuminate my aching smile
Because I would give my all for you
to be more than just in love with you
So
In the July dawns as the concrete begins to waver under our feet
I will be the cool on the back of your neck
For when you walk down those steps I'll be that
railing that reminds you of home when you
float not just through space, but through the door of my heart
but like a tide, you and I together ebb and flow in
Over the rocks we've been bloodily beaten, though we continue our strides
There is nothing I wouldn't do to gaze at your
blue eyes as if they were only the entire night sky
As I am home nowhere but within hearing distance of your soft breathing
For I am truly more than in love with you.

This is me
You call me by the name of Ali
But if you really knew me
You would call me Jamie

This is me
You see me in a skirt and make-up on stage
But if you knew me
You would see how badly I want to be in a suit and dress shoes

This is me
You know something about me doesn't click
But if you honestly, truly, really knew me
You would know what's wrong

This is  me
A girl with tomboy actions
But if you took a second look
I'm a guy who got trapped in the wrong body

This is me
This is Jamie
This is me
This is a suit and dress shoes
This is me
This is currently a mistake
This is me
A guy who got trapped in the wrong body

I'm UN locking my doors,
I'm UN latching my chains
To let you see a glimpse of my world
I'm on a collision course
Only made for tears and unanswered prayers
You could save my world
Keep it from turning to ash

And if you didn't save it
I'd create a new world
Replicating the first
Steering myself towards destruction

Praying that I could see you
And your world
Know if I,
I could save your world
Keep it from rotting and turning to ash like mine
And keep the skies clear for you
Only able to save it if you allowed me to

It seems that only I could write suicide provoking poems,
But now it seems I've gone the other way..
Maybe not on this site, not this profile,
But on school grounds, on my real and true profile..
It seems that only a moment of remembrance could spark emotion
But this girl is that moment of remembrance, only she's a day's sunshine
Maybe not twenty fours hours, not all days of the week
But just when I need to be dragged out of a ditch
It seems that only stupidity and sorrow could fuel me to pick up a pencil,
But now it seems I've got shoes and socks to get me to pick up a sharpie and scribble.

The bodies
Thumping
Pounding
Drowning out
My escape

The bodies
Quiet
Soft
Savoring it
The rush

Legs pried open
From
Africa
To
Australia
And the compass needles in between
Girls locked quietly down
As the
Thumping
Pounding
Drowning out
But there's nothing but the wrong to drown out

Bloodied
Beaten
Broken girls
Stripped down to the concrete on the corner streets
Sought out shelter
Somebody see me in the light of the  street lamp

Stripped down to the shock
Of the same language
No matter what continent your feet are on
It's all the same

Thumping
Pounding
Drowning out
The wrong doors close
And the wrong sounds made
With your manhood thrusting apart her gates forcefully
Why would you not just ask

It begins and you can never press rewind
My heart was covered and caged
My fire transformed to mere embers

And can we chant and sing stories
If we don't what it is to breathe
Or can we carry on through the monotone echoes
As we desperately sift through yesterday
Trying to get caught up

It levels with such eloquent and supple scenery
One cannot taste the sweetened breeze
Promised by tomorrows dreams

Are we capable of expressions
Though we have no emotion, for we are abandoned.
All but empty goodbyes and numb sights.

With no more space to contain our absence
We bleed and we break, to soil and stain
Doing so without knowing
What it is to breathe

Burning dove, how is it you shine that bright?
Crashing and wandering to find only my oasis
For these passing days and glowing flames fail to touch me.

America's in quarantine
until further notice, the red white and blue folds to
Double over and rid it of the hypocrisy
Stained glazed gates with half empty pockets-
Wedged between the vents of
the ones venting to control the temperature of the heads that are rolling
Soiling to morph these colors
that do not belong to them, but to the homes of the brave
Who end up voiceless, pinned up and victimized
And that police report never got filed
Diffuse into the gravel to decay
any hope of pride we still claimed

What's gonna happen when all that's left of you is an empty chair?
The sun won't be as bright.
There will be a shade over my world.

What's gonna happen when the messages stop popping  up in my Skype account?
The Hope will start to sink that you had still remembered me.
There's nothing to believe in anymore.

There's  nothing to do
Except sulk and want to curl up in a corner,
Be taken away by police and put in a tent undercover from the endless rain

Be whisked away by the slightest of wind,
Transfigured into a scarce leaf that's fallen
Or be a smashed little pine needle
Glued to the street in the gloom

There's nothing to do
But sit and wait for the house in which all my memories are stored to be
Dragged and scraped from between our hands

I've got no light...
No firefly to illuminate the mud road
Just run from the gloom
Try to evade it
No point except to burn up my fuel

Nothing to recharge me or give me a boost out of this thousand foot  trench
It fills with icy ocean water
Brought from the sea filled with broken promises and dreams
I'm chained to the holding tank

And there ain't a thing to do
Except surrender and drown

I love you.

I'm the unwanted one
The second kid
The youngest
The annoying one who won't go away

I swear, they want to get rid of me
I'm all problems
I feel so alone
I've been used

They mock me constantly
They destroy me with ease
They wonder why I've been depressed
They ignore me, push me away

My parents did everything they wanted to with my brother
And now, they just don't think I'm here
They wished I wasn't in the family

I just don't know where to go
Stick up to them, nothing happens
Hide away, and I die inside...

Looking out on the watchtower
Seeing the birds freely fly,
Knowing that the landing zone will be gone
After today, I am no longer the same.
Seeing the birds freely fly,
Inspiration washes over my stress covered body
After today, I am no longer the same,
Being a leader.
Inspiration washes over my stress covered body
Trying to break free from my shackles
Being a leader
Building a nation of fighters
Trying to break free from my shackles
Knowing that the landing zone will be gone
Building a nation of fighters
Looking out on the watchtower.

Small and fragile
Blooming into the bright light
I want this to be small and fragile
That stays somehow, in the shadows
I don't know how to phrase it
I want it to be untouched and small
Growing into something beautiful
I want it to be infinite
Special,
Just
Like
You…

Sometimes Love cannot
save us
Only we can be the ones
to save ourselves
So put down your hearts
unlock your lips
if only for a minute to hear
We are only as strong as ourselves,
not our partners. No, never our partners.
So become the
greatest
most stable
YOU.
Afterall, it's two
Wholes.
Not
Two halves that make up a couple

And I know
it's scary to be alone
but you are the
only
one
that
matters
at
the
end
of
the
day.

If your partner dies
one day
You, you don't die with them.
You still have to
get up
breathe
see
live

You are still here
So make yourself matter.

You can still be
What you want to
When you first met me

Ever get that feeling of being cheated
Of being forgotten and excluded
Just because of your past?
I'm sure the blacks in this country
Feel the way I feel

Slip out from beneath the covers
Land on the floor,
Be stepped on
Time and time again,
People are creatures of habit
They slip a lie here
Put in a lie there
Hard to tell the difference
Now a days,
I just stick to myself,
Knowing what could've been

I get away from it
I turn the corner and it's out of sight
But then,
I forget to keep running
So I can never see it again
But it all of a sudden crashes over my life

The walls get reconstructed
Roads start to sag
My legs have nowhere to take me to
So I escape to the meadow that's at the back of my mind

And in the meadow,
There's a tire swing
And it takes me up into the clouds
So I can touch the golden sun

I'm not normal,
I don't come from a normal background..
Because I'm always on the verge of jumping
From the tallest thing I can find
Or the sharpest things
I can get my hands on

So call me a *******
For being trapped and not knowing how to get out
I'm ******* sorry
And I'm ******* ready to surrender
Unraveling the white flag that's hidden inside my sleeve

So you can say your goodbye to me
When you put my coffin into the river
And look on as I keep on running
Because there's nothing to forget about anymore..

I'm not here
I'm not in the stream of light
I'm caught up in fear
I am tied down
Back in that street back, way back
Before I stood to stare

I'm not there
I'm not winning any award
I'm not able to care
I am strapped down
Up in with those bars, way up in that barn
Before I cried to shadows

I'm not here
I'm enclosed by my tears, and my doubts
I'm not around when it counts
Like a missile waiting to explode
I am deep within the mines
Of the rich and the poor
I am not around when you need me
I am back, trapped in fear
In Terror
That I will be strung up by those lights
In that barn

Only this time
The lights won't
Loosen and I
Won't
Fall
to my life
I will stay strung there
As the morning lights washes over my limp body

I want to see the beauty
Of the winter skies crashing, drowning the soft summer night waves
I want to see the frailness
Of the leaves cracking beneath the tires, the feet, the paws
I wish to see happiness
Casting it into the purple grey skies too far for me to grasp between my sleek, scarred fingers
I want to see history
From the little flag crushed in the season's frayed grass. The pink seeping into the roots of the stripes and stars. My muddied blood.And I wish to see the wishing well sparkle in my war-zone eyes, as I toss not just a penny, but a past for my future.