This life I live
Just seems to be dragging on
I'm depressed every time I wake up
14 years, and I want to give up

I can't seem to look forward to anything
Friends are drifting away
I'm tumbling down into a gully and being forgotten
14 years, and I've lived long enough

Whisper to myself to **** it up
Appears that only the talented throw their lives away
Done trying to save myself, cause it's not working
14 years will be on my tombstone

This Memorial Day
Will be a Memorial for me
My legacy, and how I ended it all.

There's  nothing to do
Except sulk and want to curl up in a corner,
Be taken away by police and put in a tent undercover from the endless rain

Be whisked away by the slightest of wind,
Transfigured into a scarce leaf that's fallen
Or be a smashed little pine needle
Glued to the street in the gloom

There's nothing to do
But sit and wait for the house in which all my memories are stored to be
Dragged and scraped from between our hands

I've got no light...
No firefly to illuminate the mud road
Just run from the gloom
Try to evade it
No point except to burn up my fuel

Nothing to recharge me or give me a boost out of this thousand foot  trench
It fills with icy ocean water
Brought from the sea filled with broken promises and dreams
I'm chained to the holding tank

And there ain't a thing to do
Except surrender and drown

Never knew love
Would feel like an anxiety attack
And I never thought happiness
Would feel like a wall of bricks crushing all my depression away

Never knew a smile
Could shine bright enough to light up my whole world
And I never thought a look
Could unlock and open all of my dead-bolted doors

Never knew security
Would feel like a car crash
And I never thought assurance
Would feel like a warm blanket on a fall night

Never knew a hug
Could take my breath away
Never knew a whisper
Could paralyze my beating heart

I guess when you've found love
Everything you thought was impossible
Is just the start of the realm of possibilities

My stomach feels bloated,
My lungs don't work perfectly
My eyes get dilated
M skin gets red, bumpy, itchy
My knees do the same
I run to the bathroom..
Puke up a little bit of whatever
Then I go frozen like a block of ice
And I began to shake
Pull on my clothes again
Huddled underneath my bed sheets and fall asleep
Shivering uncontrollably and then catching fire
My body an earthquake

Your love cut deep
Like a razor into my wrists
I couldn't stop bleeding

Your love struck hard
Like a baseball bat hitting my mirror
I couldn't stop breaking

Your love stung constantly
Like a hive of bees to my reality
I couldn't stop itching

Your love sliced me up,
shattered me,
made me hospitalized

I held the key
Clicked my lock shut
Before I blacked out
A twisted city black out
Neon lights gave way to the opening
My wounds healing along the way
Dripping ****** regrets and sorrow wherever I wandered
Maybe someday, a girl will come along and find the trail
I lay in a heap, to wrecked to be saved

She sees a perfect, dream car
It just needs some work..
One heart break put  me here
Can I afford to risk it again?

Free so why do we have to be falling
From the oppressed comes the depressed
and a remedy people forget is to caress
The split wires and the fragmented heart
Instead of loading up on prescriptions to put in the shopping cart

Trapped because we're a fish stuck in the weeds
Like a nemo, we find sanctuary in the warping darkness
Flashing a light to say I'm trying
And after awhile, that's what we come to know
Trying is to sink and to sink is to die
And to die is to be released and to be released is to
Take that gun and **** it
Drop it
to the floor because your best friend would suffer
Going and going until you're almost gone
Just almost

It seems that only I could write suicide provoking poems,
But now it seems I've gone the other way..
Maybe not on this site, not this profile,
But on school grounds, on my real and true profile..
It seems that only a moment of remembrance could spark emotion
But this girl is that moment of remembrance, only she's a day's sunshine
Maybe not twenty fours hours, not all days of the week
But just when I need to be dragged out of a ditch
It seems that only stupidity and sorrow could fuel me to pick up a pencil,
But now it seems I've got shoes and socks to get me to pick up a sharpie and scribble.

I thought of angels
Choking on their halos
Get them drunk on rose water
See how ***** I can get them
Pulling out their fragile teeth
And clip their tiny wings

Anything you say can and will be held against you
So only say my name
It will be held against you

Anything you say can and will be held against you
So only say my name

I thought of demons
Burning in their flames
Dump some Holy water on them
Look at how they're clean
Ripping off their pointed horns
And snap off their tail

Anything you say can and will be held against you
So only say my name
It will be held against you

Anything you say can and will be held against you
So only say my name

Hide me in your curves to show me on your chest
Fold me within your arms and say 'I love you' in a breath.
Watch me paint the night from the words you said
making the patch of lawn a temporary bed

To kiss is to express and to look is to dive-
into the deep end of the ocean blue eyes of your love I've been deprived.
Caress my smile and feel my racing beat
Each night I am only yours, my demons you did defeat.
So with your lips tasting of goodnight
let's crash together after the fireflies dim their lights.

Teach me, reach, for my hand
Preach in the darkness as you show me your land
This is bad rhyme but look at the time.
I can undoubtedly profess-
I've surely got the best partner in crime.

The words you speak are here now
The words you write are here forever.
You were given this life because you were strong enough to live it.
When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade.
You don't need armor, you've already got it. You just got to use your brain.
Einstein was a genius and you call yourself one too.
Innocence is limited....

Each time my mom calls me for dinner,
It happens
I start to eat, feel nothing unusual
Then it hits
I start to feel sick at the sight of my barely eaten meal
And then I lose my appetite
Don't finish my food

Each time my friends and I sit down for lunch,
I watch while everyone enjoys their lunch
As I sit there and talk
Don't go to the line and pick up some food

Each time I get done showering,
I walk into the kitchen,
Pull out some bread even though I know I'm not going to eat
My stomach hurts a little
But I'm so used to it, I ignore it and keep getting ready for the day

The scale reads 115
When I step onto it
And the tape measure tells me I'm 5 3'

Please somebody,
What's wrong with me?

I love you.

I have Pride.
Always wore it on my sleeve.
When things got bad..
They were because of anything but that.
Except for a girl
Which I loved with all my heart
And if I wasn't Gay..
My heart would still be intact.
But I've got Pride.
And I ain't afraid to wear it on my sleeve.

I rock myself to sleep
Counting the stars that are set in the sky
They're my night light
Never outgrow them

I whisper a silent wish
Hoping that one of the millions
Of little twinkling dots
Will save me from myself
So that I won't self-destruct

I throw everything up to them
Praying that a little angel
Will come and hear my silent cries
Guide me to all the desperately needed answers

I reach up to catch a shooting star
Burned a hole through my hand
Did I learn my lesson.. Yes.
Will I try to:
Capture that shooting star again,
That lone tear.
Yes.

They're my night light
Of little twinkling dots
Will come and hear my silent cries
Capture that shooting star again.

You turn into a punching bag
When you play tag
That's just how we play out here
You can only play if you have not one fear
Bruises lead to blood
Then all of a sudden it starts to flood
It's no longer a game, but a war
Anyone can join, including the poor
We'll stay up late
You've got a chance to change your family's fate
Just like The Hunger Games
Except you're not forced to put in your siblings names
You've gone from first to last
Just need to remember you past
Lined around the block
The crowd's watching as the clock goes *tick-tock, tick-tock

Tomorrow might be too late
Silence not to be broken
Bonding in a way
Nothing could quite describe it

Carry it
Hold it
Cherish it
Hug it

Each day
Each class
Each moment

Until you, yourself
Have been silenced

But even after that,
You're heart continues to carry out the beat of the drum

And you're voice will continue to ring through the streets and cities
Some days it'll be almost too quiet to hear
Others it'll ring louder then the city bells

But you're heart will carry out the beat

Below the sun starts to droop
like my eyes in the winter haze
Swift and aloft, mesmerized
The penny looses its shine
And the well seems fit for drowning

Rummaging the the rubble
My heart's not a store
Scarred and broken
open through the door comes the looters

I am robbed
bobbed for a bite on the floor of unseen
Though these eyes are sore for looks
Scandalizing props a broker through
stained glass windows
faulty ceilings and fogged up glasses
Elapsing through the Praise scratched Lord hands

Am I left to compose
Iced over good mornings as honor and parishioners rumble over
Where am I headed, where do you go?
plastic pieces flexing
Docking down to where the light never seems to hit
But we take mark with a bouy-
To say your words *"This is how far I got"

Through my meadows I burn
To the chimney stack scoffs
And the melancholy sweeps to rotate the blinks over
and over and over again

Hey you.. You should come here

So I can kiss your lips and listen to the rain by your side and we can sit in the dark for hours and maybe pass the time with our hands as explorers and our hearts as our holding tanks.. And we can close our eyes, to see even darker shadows in the warmth of one another. Because I love you, and everything you do, everything you say, every little laugh you let escape your breath and how you make all my worries fly away.

We were the ones
Stuck at the back of the class
Because of the signs taped to the front saying
Beware of Dog and Live on the Moon
And through the galaxies filling our heads and the
closed war through the monkey bars
We ran. We ran like this was tag and being tagged was to be shot
No matter what you are, you are the same as me, as her, as him
We're all made up of star dust

I'm turning out to be one Hell of a person
I'm starting to go insane
Or at least realize the fact that I am

The only connection to the normal realm of life
Would be my cat
I know she's sane, but not fully
She's like a Medium

My brain is deteriorating
Leaving me completely unarmed
It seems like I can't even use my voice or limbs without magnificent effort

Scenes go black in my head
A dark room turns a blinding white
So I shut my eyes
Go into a light but deep sleep for hours
Waking into a dim world
With strange voices from the TV

Break into a fever
My hands start dampening
And I have a feeling I've lost my sense of sanity.

The aftermath
is almost worse than the surprise and maybe
It's just me-
Wrecked after every time we hang out
Becoming so close and intimate and vulnerable with you
Getting into the mindset that we'll be this way for a good while
But we wake up, like a one night stand
And we have to say goodbye
It wrecks me

But it's demanding to be felt now
So I will not hold back even though I'm weak
And I realize after you leave each time
That I'm alone, in a new city, friendless, homeschooled
I don't really have a life anymore
And maybe that's why
Waking up is the worst part
Because we have to throw clothes on a just say goodbye

And I want to steal you for more than a couple hours in an afternoon
Or for a night
I'm clingy and I don't want to let you go.
Because even though I know it's not
It feels like we are so separated. And

It kills me every time I know you left and are doing your life thing.

The aftermath is sometimes worse than the surprise for me.

Groove to the music
Too many fish in the sea to miss one
If you caught one, you can catch another one
Breathe air, you're not used to
Tread floors, you don't fall through
Wait for me as long as it takes
If you caught one, you can catch another one

With this flame
I tread water
And with these strokes
I'm hitching it on the road through the burned zones
As a toothpick forest drops from the strings to ***** the sky that
Held no water rain
but rained down ******
For
I tread water with this flame

Sometimes Love cannot
save us
Only we can be the ones
to save ourselves
So put down your hearts
unlock your lips
if only for a minute to hear
We are only as strong as ourselves,
not our partners. No, never our partners.
So become the
greatest
most stable
YOU.
Afterall, it's two
Wholes.
Not
Two halves that make up a couple

And I know
it's scary to be alone
but you are the
only
one
that
matters
at
the
end
of
the
day.

If your partner dies
one day
You, you don't die with them.
You still have to
get up
breathe
see
live

You are still here
So make yourself matter.

I'll be laying down
A coffin with etched names in the top
Pressed up against my lifeless, limp body

The shell of me, now spread throughout loved ones hearts
Holding tight to yesterday's memories
Knowing what I left behind
To be carried on

A battle now ended
Was it a surrender or a clear defeat
Busting down my door
It's Death and the Shadows that follow

Gays are no different
Because we have eyes, though some of us may be blinded
We have ears, though some of us might be deaf
We have fingers and toes, although we may not have all twenty.
Gays are not hell bound
Because we eat shellfish just like you do
We are flame resistant just as you claim to be
We have sinned, like every other person out there.
We are no different
We are wired differently as is every human in existence
We dress differently just like you
We all love differently, but we love anyway.

We say as our ancestors rebelled
We don't carry Satan on our shoulders as you have tought your children
We do our best to hold in the hate
And we feel as though we can acclimate others to their peers
We do not though, force ourselves on you
As you do to us

So we like rainbows
I can guarantee we fine more pots of gold than you
So we have our wn clubs and bars, because you have yours
She's a woman and he's a man, and there are no picket signs at their door

NOthing breeds us to disown and hate  but ourselves- so that is who we can blame or that's who we can talk to*

Gays are no different. So don't hold me from walking down an aisle

My body is rusted,
Taped, but the tape has lost it's stick
Glued, but it peels more off me off then ever before
Stapled, but they bend off
Burned, but the burn marks tear away
Stitched, and they rip from my body


But maybe you'd be my sticky tape
And my super glue
Along with my strong stapes
You'd be my indestructible staples and stitches

Was it real?
Is this real?

Because I'm not sure if I'm still alive
Or if I'm dead
And in the after world forever

Nothing can clear up this frightening question
But I also feel invincible simultaneously
Knowing that if I'm already dead, nothing can hurt me
Or at least not in the way I think..

Someone prove to me
That I can still feel
And lift the foggy confusion and doubts out of sight

I know I'm alive
If you show me you care for me
And take me to places I'd never imagine existed
Because all I need to know for sure
Is your love
And your hug

Currently, I feel so alarmingly lost
Like everything I've been doing
Is all a replication of my mortal life
And I NEED
I need you more then I ever have before
More then I thought I ever would
And more then I thought someone could ever need someone else
But you'll save me,
Nat.. You have to

Thy is as sweet as a rose,
You stole my heart,
Unaware you are
So I've finally become brave
To tell you
That I've fallen for you
Out of desperation and hope maybe?
Or because of the way your lips smile and the way your eyes look

Sleeping is my safe haven
Not for the reasons you may think though
Daylight rots me from the outside, in
All the chaos is subdued for a while

Sleep is now my oasis
Not for the reasons you may think though
Dreams revive me from the inside, out
All my worries are washed away

Sleeping is my safe haven
Not for the reasons you may think though
I get to be free,
Get to just be unneeded
Not forced to respond to anything

I'm allowed to be a kid,
Something I haven't been
For quite some time
And I realize how much I miss it

Sleep is my oasis
I just lay down
And all the horns and bells go mute and I listen to the crickets
And I can just be gone from the nightmare in which I live in and call my life

How somber
It is as we crowd around this burial site
Where a once lively soul gets put to rest
An end to one Hell of a legacy
Closure and comfort,
As we say our farewell with a flaming red rose

My family is the house burning at the end of the street,
Ignited by my own struggles and failures.
We're all running for our own safe, sandy shorelines.
My dad is the book case,
Quickly burned, ruined, and forgotten about.
My mom is the concrete foundation, getting charred and battered,
Still somehow strong enough to carry us through the blaze.
My brother is the living room window, shattering into a million separate pieces,
Yet shining brighter then ever before in those little glass shards.
My "Sister" is the smoke alarm that saved my life
As I watched everything catch into a sweltering wall of fear.
I am the match that ignited the flame to burn my world to nothing but ashes
Which float in the bitter, smoke-clogged breeze
Used up
Overlooked by so many.

Hey Love,
What's going on for you to walk out on me?
I thought you had walked in and decided to stay. Please don't go so soon because me without you just simply isn't the same. I'm gripping onto the little shreds you left of my heart and I'm trying to figure out how I make it whole again. Maybe someone else has the other half that I'm searching for. That I will treasure until time ends.
By the way love, since you've been gone, I've been trying to understand why my heart is the place where people go.. Knowing that it's so fragile and trashed. Probably because they think I won't notice if there's a new dent in the wall of my heart because it's already so damaged.
No matter how much you try to throw me off the road. There will be a girl there, with you in their hand, ready to fix me and make me perfect. And when I see her, I will give her the little shreds of you to show that I love her with all my heart. They see me, a far from perfect person, perfectly and I couldn't ask for anything better.
Love, promise me that you will grow a little more day by day once she gives you to me. For I hope to be able to rip a piece of you and give it to her. Promise me, she'll never stray far from me. And if I call her name at the end of the day, she'll be there and I can be at peace for the night and make it so that the breathtakingly beautiful sunrise will be there when I look into her eyes every time.
So love, I will meet you one day and you won't be leaving me. I look forward to that day when I find The Girl who holds you in her hands, waiting to find me and wrap me up. But for now, I'll keep fighting to hold onto the shreds of you that were once intact. I'll see you down the road. I won't let you go. Because you're out there somewhere.

It's a world,
That's kept me fighting
Fighting for you

It's a world,
That's knocked me off my feet
Feet that I thought were rooted to the ground

It's a world,
That's stolen my trust
Trust someone will come
And pick me up
Or dust me off

And I may be wasting my time
Chasing after you...
But I'll waste every single day of my life
Chasing after you...

Some will see me wasting my days
And call me a fool
Others will watch me chase after you
And push me towards my goal

I'll spend time wondering...
Wondering if what we could be is even possible
Or if it really is a never-ending road

America's in quarantine
until further notice, the red white and blue folds to
Double over and rid it of the hypocrisy
Stained glazed gates with half empty pockets-
Wedged between the vents of
the ones venting to control the temperature of the heads that are rolling
Soiling to morph these colors
that do not belong to them, but to the homes of the brave
Who end up voiceless, pinned up and victimized
And that police report never got filed
Diffuse into the gravel to decay
any hope of pride we still claimed

Lost everything I had,
Put it all on the line for you
Willing to give you my life
Now I'm empty,
But somehow I still have things to give to you
Like friendship and funny stories
Like trust and hugs
Like hope and promises
Like love and anything else I've got

Everything swam out of reach
Put it all on the line for you
Now I'm vacant
Of feeling and expressions
But I somehow have plenty left to give you

When there's nowhere to turn
I'll call your name
When you think you're done for
Quit fighting
When there's no light
Close your eyes
Stay strong.
The worst is over.

You came up and knocked on my door
My faith in love and myself you did restore
And with this night growing longer and brighter
You held my hand tighter
through the unknown outcome of this love
We were flying so high, along the wings of a dove
And I will never stop writing
And I could never stop fighting
to make you happy
If you're ever having a bad day and feel ******.
Because this is us
And we're going to last forever
I will be safe and I will be strong wherever
I love you
8 months ago you took my hand, not knowing where we'd end up or how we'd go anywhere, yet you took my hand and then we flew <3

It's down pouring outside, just the sheets of wind and the clink of memories pounding my roof. Falling silent when the clouds stop crying for me.
The voice upstairs can
Praying for some sweet breeze from Georgia
'Cause I was born from dark weather
Thunder was booming
Lightning was breaking
Layers of warm, familiar rain has followed me wherever I go
As if to say
You'll be alright once the sun peaks over the mountain top

They say,
Don't. You'll just fall for her over and over again.
Maybe you're not worried about the falling.
You just don't want me to strike gold.

She said,
Don't. This was my fault. I'm sorry.
Maybe it was your fault.
You just can't see me make another mistake.

You said,
Don't.  You're the most important one in the end.
Maybe you just can't keep me away from the intersection of HeartBreak and Stupidity Lane.

I said,
Go.  I have so much to think about right now.
Maybe I have one thing on my mind...
And that's to ask you to give me a chance.

You should come here

So I can kiss along your jaw. So I can make your heart run faster and faster, until it's flying through the night. So I can feel your skin up against mine, your bones pressed into mine. So I can just hold tight through all the hours that wreck me. So I can be there to see your beautiful life, just so I can just be there, to love you. Like you deserve and never let go.

Don't want to turn the light on..
Happy is something I'll never be
Love despises my life
For it runs farther away whenever I come close

You were the only color in  my colorless eyes
And the eagle in which flew in my sky
But now the colors are invisible
And the eagle no longer takes to the sky for me to watch

But the hurricane swallows me whole

Now that last little hope has left
My insides more frozen the ice
I begin to drift off
To float to my paradise

There's a sun
And clouds
But the sun is you
Staying and then vanishing
And I can't feel the warmth
All I feel is that chilly breeze
I'm alone though, and in my oasis
Until I open my eyes

All that's here tonight to stop thinking about Jesus
Despite feeling unnoticed or kept from
Pronounce your Bible ashen to give your heart
a skip over tembling glass
The storm raging on with the sunny rays warm
Because yesterday was fire and their eyes were scorching
For this frosted light to remain
you must unclench the verse and etch a scripture
bleeding out your tongue's history and see that is your Bible
Go from door to door and with that burnt Bible you won't let go
Sell to preach to see how Jesus hangs bloodied after so many eyes
Scorching him sorely off that cross to make themselves strung up in the shadows of their lives that were raptured and say Jesus of Mars
So red and mysterious to conjure up a book
that we follow like ants on a chemical trail to the food source
and to worship is to be chained and to be chained is to be stripped
To be stripped is to be captured and to be captured is to blindly die
With this book resting over your urn as you wait in lline to the Heaven you were taught so heavily to scratch at your wrists to get the plot of the Bible out.
Say Jesus as you did the first summer in Church

I can't go back home
Because all that's left is a little flag
Laying in the blood soaked grass

And the blue of the flag
Now just black
With pink stars in the corner

I have to go back home

I'm UN locking my doors,
I'm UN latching my chains
To let you see a glimpse of my world
I'm on a collision course
Only made for tears and unanswered prayers
You could save my world
Keep it from turning to ash

And if you didn't save it
I'd create a new world
Replicating the first
Steering myself towards destruction

Praying that I could see you
And your world
Know if I,
I could save your world
Keep it from rotting and turning to ash like mine
And keep the skies clear for you
Only able to save it if you allowed me to

In a kiss I taste star dust
A super nova teaming within you
Through a glance I play out black holes in your pupils
Finally grasping what it is to return home-

-Fire soaring to lick at the domed painting that's repainted each night
Afflicting our compass rose as the grass
Lifts graciously to Heaven like God himself is runnning his hand through it
And his rain splatters all around the embers

Let me return you back home
Stumbling, fumbling for the door
Where God sleeps
And angels play
To clap our thunder
And stomp the rains
Onto this compass rose grass

I'll bring the false keys to keep us out forever
With your lips glazed a constellation
Moon speckled freckles across your back
And super massive black holes appearing in each blink
There's no need to be a part of God's Factory
Let's be held here in this space between
Compass rose grass arching to flow under our heels
And the sky bowing to us

Let me take you almost home
Where there's a hazy pink shadowing us
Allow me to escape capture
Gather the shameless beauty you hold and lay it over the horizon

And let me take you almost back to home-

Is this even worth it anymore?
One fight after another and I won't be winner.
I've shed more than enough tears and it's not ok.
Is this ever going to be worth it?
Pain trickling under and over my skin.
Maybe it's done now because I can't take more.
Is this worth it right here and now?
Challenging for respect by family and school.
Never finding where I fit in this crazy world.
Is this worth risking my safety?
I've got no reputation to guard.
Be labeled as **** regardless.
I just need to know, is it worth it?

And maybe I'm shooting for  the stars
With a girl as bright as you
And maybe I'm reaching for a hand that's not there
But I won't ever turn away

I'm running from the weeping willow
It's draping the hill side
And maybe I'm jumping from cliff to cliff
Willing to fall flat on my face for you  (literally)

The world is blind
Only a few are able to see
To be the light in a planet lit by night                              

Maybe we could make things work,
Never gonna know if you never even try

And maybe I'm shooting for the stars
With a girl as bright as you
And when I was sinking,
I saw your light off in the distance,
You lifted me to shore..

And maybe I'm reaching for  a hand that's not there
But I won't ever turn away
And when I was free-falling,
I felt your hand grab me,
Pulled me to the safe ground                                                                        

I'm running from the noose
Not going to be hanged by my old loves,
I'm jumping from limb to limb,
Willing to crash from way up high      

Maybe we should take a shot in this planet run by darkness
Never going to hit the target without  a shot

I know I'm reaching for the stars.
With a girl as bright as you...
How could I not be?

When I pull up a new page on Word, I just want to fill it all up with words.
Words that could make it onto the front page...
I always seem to fail at this part.
I just want to be one of those artists who get noticed and people pay attention to what they post.
See? I'm starting to fill the page up with words.
Words that mean nothing.
They just sit there and stare at me waiting for their new neighbor that I pick.
Hey! There's an idea...
Write a poem or story about words.
But then again,
Who would read that crap?
I don't know what to write that would make it on to the front page.
I should just give up shouldn't I? That's what I'll do.
I am no great writer, just a lousy teen who throws a few words onto their computer screen
And marvels at it.