Being in a program ***** it's like I have no one to go to. I have been in a program since I was 12 years old and I feel like there is not a day that goes by where I have freedom or space and it *****. I never have time for myself and everyone should have time to themselves. But when you live with others who struggle with a lot like you. You find conflict and its hard for freedom when you have others controlling what you do. Telling you what to do every second of your day.
I just wish that there will be at least one day out of my teenage life where I can be myself and not listen to others telling crap. Life is frustrating.

Do you ever just feel like you like too many people,
that you are going to get judged.
its okay i know the feeling,
i feel the same way.

feelings are hard to understand,
sometimes they drive you mad.
they can hurt you,
drive you mad.

there is no snow on the ground but who cares its Christmas, Merry Christmas.

called him twice,
answered once.
cried a bunch,
laughed a little.
talked less,
cut so much.
confused and alone,
i look at my scars.
labels mean nothing,
time is still.

im not moving,
just bleeding out.
letting the pain go,
watching it come in.

being scared,
of holding on.
to whats already lost,
i try over and over to let go.
just cant stop,
loving the one who hurts me.

hung up once,
didn't answer the next.
whats he doing,
probably ******* the friend he said he let go.
but i still love him,
and i believe he loves me but who really knows.

There was a time were there was a girl who wanted things but couldn't explain why. She was confused and depressed all the time and her body kept changing. Her parents never excepted who she has decided to become, so when she grew up it was hard to tell others who she now is. I am that girl. I wanted everything.
As I continue to grow up I learn new things. I have gone through so many different changes that sometimes I get very confused. I have been in many different relationships and most have not been healthy. There were a few different relationships that were good but I messed up by leaving. But there is only one person I can actually say I would get back with. He was the first person I can actually say was the first ZI ever loved and I know if he ever asked me back out I would leave the person I was with for him.
I'm in a program because apparently im too much to handle for my parents. Sometimes I feel neglected but i know i'm not. There are alot of people that are there for me even if it's not my parents. I am a very bubbly person. It hurts me ever more than a normal person will hurt when I get upset because depression makes everything worse than a normal person might feel. I say might because who really know what or how others feel. Somedays I wish I wasn't alive but then I think there would be no way anyone can see the world without them in it because what if the world didn't exist.
My relationships are always complicated because I get bored because I ****** up the onr relationship with someone that wasn't that bad. I listen to what other people were telling me instead of following what my heart wants. I think to myself what if I didn't break up with that person. Would my life be different if he was in it but as my boyfriend. Would I stay home with my mom and got my **** together sooner than I did. I just wonder if he still thought of me. I know he was a big part of my life when i was with him. I miss it. I miss being able to hug and hold him. I miss him in general.
But who cares about me anymore, not many. I'm usually on my own looking far into my future trying to piece the past together. Removing small parts of my past I want to forget but can't because I have been through so much there isn't much I can just forget. My past formed me into the person I am today and for that I can't forget my past. I like who I am today even if others don't. At Least I can see how much I have changed and made myself into a better person.
When I think of my past, i think off everything I have suffered and it hurts. But I have to do things the way I do or ill panic. Im very weird I bite. When some asks to fight me I growl at them and show my teeth. I'm not normal. Im literally like an animal. I do weird things. But I also am a very creative person when it comes to things. I have a good heart. Even tho I might do some strange crap here and there. I have done bad things but made up for them in the end.
I know i'm not the best but I do try my hardest. I just struggle knowing I have been in and out of programs since I was twelve. It's hard mainly growing up in places away from your family and that's where the depression and the bad behavior started. I have recognized that I started to act up and get all depressed when my dad and mom split up. I have struggled accepting the fact that they “will never ever ever get back together” yes I just quoted the taylor swift song lyrics. It upsets me but hey its life and you can't change the past but you can move toward the future.
When my parents split up my mom got with this guy that I hated with all my heart. And yes hate is a strong word but I hated him. He tried to replace my father and I didnt like that very much. My dad meant everything to me when I was younger and he still does to this day. After I started getting close to moms new boyfriend he did the unexpected. He went to take me out for ice cream down the street when it was dark out.
There was this shortcut in the woods and when we were halfway down the hill in the woods he pushed me down took off my pants and started touching me in places I didn't want touched. I started crying but he didnt stop. Then he put his head between my legs and started to eat me out and I was only 9 years old I didn't want that. I just was scared and I was too small to push him off. When I got home I was to scared to tell my because he told me not to and if you didn't listen to what you were told you'd get punished and after what he already did I was scared of what he would do again. Every day for a week he would go in my room late at night and touch me. But I was glad it was me and not my little sister so I put up with it.
Not long after he started to hit me and my little brother. One day he kicked my little brother in the back and slammed his head on the floor that was the day I took a chance grabbed a broom and whipped my moms boyfriend in the head. But it was just enough for my brother to get away but I was the next target. But that's not all that's just thes start. He put bruises all over my body but at least he stopped sexually touching me. That's all I cared about was keeping my siblings safe.
But even through those times my mom didn't do anything she let him hit us but she was scared too. One day he even pulled my little sister through a window because she punched my little brother I was so scared I ran upstairs to my neighbors house and told them and my neighbors boyfriend came to the rescue. A few months after he knelt on my chest I couldn't breathe but that was the one time my mom told him to get the ******* me. But once he got off me i ran outside in shorts and a tanktop and I ran to school with just socks on my feet and it was the middle of winter. That was the day my school called my dad and said that if he didnt come pick me up then with my siblings we were going to get taken away so my dad came and got us.
Few months after my 11th birthday my dad had a friend watch me when I was home sick. Everyone trusted him but then he molested me. I was sick but I took my blanket and ran to the bathroom and locked the door and waited for my dad to come home and I told my dad what happened and my dad freaked out. But christmas eve I told my mom and after that my mom took me home with her new boyfriend and never let me back to dads after that but I snook to see my dad after that because I didn't want to live with mom at all I didn't trust it after he last boyfriend. But can you blame me.

When all you want is that one person,
the one that keeps your heart beating.
that one person can change everything,
all you will want to do is hold on and never let go.

looking forward into this world i see him,
in my life all i want is him.
for once in my life i am confident,
that this will last.
i will always choose him,
i will keep and love him forever.

Alone and scared i wait,
For a sign.
I don't know what kind,
All i know is that something is coming.
Is it good or bad,
I don't know.
But i can't wait for it to tell me,
What my next move is.
Will i take the escape and leave,
Or stay here and cry.
Worrying about life,
Where will it lead me.
Am i going to be rich,
Or am i gonna be happy.
All i know is that i can't be alone anymore,
It’s time for me to find my wings and fly away.
I will not be alone anymore,
Now what about you?

laying here,
just being a ***.
with my tears flowing,
making a puddle on the floor.
i watch and do nothing,
what am i going to do?
i just can stop,
im too up set to even move.
my depression is bad,
i just want to continue to die slowly.

heartbeats,
tears fall.
but not as much as i do,
trust is important.
so is loyalty,
maybe even communication too.

there are a lot of important factors,
that show your love.
it could be good,
or even bad type of love.
you wont know till you make commitment,
to yourself and your partner.

Who do you love,
do you treat them right.
show them you really care,
stop abusing the love.
treat it with a lot of care,
because if you dont you will lose it.

then you'll be the one crying,
wishing for another chance.

trusted but got used,
let him in.
thought he was a good guy,
i ended up getting pushed down.
got beat up,
tied down.
with bruises everywhere,
i just sit down and cry.
let everything thing out,
even though it hurts.

grab your horse and go,
when i say jump you jump.
when i say go you run,
fast as you may.
run your ***,
all the way to that Finnish line.

Gonna love me,
or her.
this ain't a game,
its life.
you cant have both,
so choose.
but i warn you,
you might lose us both.
try us and we'll show you,
what lays beyond your love for one of us.

they might hurt you,
taunt you.
tease you,
scare you .
But forgive and forget,
move on.
make new memories,
with me so i can show you you'll never regret it.

i'm going under,
falling deeper as i go.
i'm screaming for help,
no one answers.
come save me,
make me feel safe.
don't let me fall,
if your able.
grab my hand,
and pull me up to you.

Step by step,
Breathe by breathe.
I take tiny steps,
To get to my goal.
Doing my best,
To achieve what i need.

Things going in,
and out of my head.
spinning around,
confusing me.
sometimes i cant think,
cant sleep.

They are over whelming,
sometimes even scary.
why are they like this,
do i really have to think this way.

times tick,
thoughts fly.
when i cry,
i know its because of whats in my head.
what i think,
makes me feel the way i do.
sometimes i wish they would stop,
but they never do.

The touch the taste,
Of his lips gets me going.
The feeling of his kiss,
Gets my heart started.
The emotions he puts in,
makes me melt.
I love him,
He loves me.
Its the power of his kiss
keeps me fighting for him.

Hurt me once,
Your a fool.
Hurt me twice,
Your a *******.
Hurt me three times,
Your already gone.

Im done being the stupid one,
No more getting into your life.
Leave me alone before i make your resting place,
Be scared if you must.
But i warned you,
you have tried me.
So now im going,
And ill have you pay

I lay here,
Its so peaceful and quiet.
It gets me to smile,
I feel so calm and content,
I am very comfortable in my resting place.