When I apologized to you...

What I really meant was that I have spent every moment since that day wishing I could go back and undo the damage I did...

What I really meant was that I spend my days dissociating and chasing distractions just to forget how much I hurt you...

What I really meant was I sometimes wish I never existed so you wouldn't have been hurt by me...

What I really meant was that I isolate myself so I never hurt anyone like I did to you...

What I really meant was...

I still love you...

Always the lover
Never the loved

Always the listener
Never the heard

Always the giver
Never the receiver

Always the healer
Never the healed

Always the helper
Never the helped

Always the hugger
Never the hugged

Never forgetting
Always forgotten

The pain I feel every day from losing you pales in comparison to the joy I felt the moment you were mine to lose.

Every day I check for a message from you, knowing full well that I will never get one because I ****** up our relationship beyond repair, but part of me is hoping for a second chance I don't deserve, because you will always been the only one to have my heart.

I want to be loved
And not feel alone
I want to be hugged
And given a home

Tis a life of many agonies
Filled with constant tragedies
Subject to such brutalities
And reaching our capacities
We seek some new realities
Then flee into our fantasies
To avoid our own mortalities

It's not that I never loved you
Your love just outgrew my own
It's not that I never tried to
I tried so hard I broke apart
It's not that I wanted better
I knew you deserved better
It's not that I wanted to leave
You are better off without me