I did it again.

I convince myself that it's okay, one more bite it's not like you're going to keep it down any way.

It's not like it's hurting your body anyway, right?

Externally foreseen has healthy and fit. Inside you can still taste it, your throat aches, but that's nothing new.

That pain you feel is temporary, what lasts longer is the constant voice in your head.

One more bite, one more piece, you'll be fine, you'll have a quick release.

Edification of the taste of your own fingers. A comforting feeling, one you know will make things okay again.

After all, you are okay? Right? You tell others that.

That's what they want to hear, that's all they care to gather.

Not of a binged body with markings internally. After all, all they see a beautiful externally.

You are the epitome of your own perception.

The way you gaze at yourself in the mirror, a constant distraction.

Critique and criticize, defile and optimize those flaws on your skin.

You cannot help but to formulate a hate for yourself within, you cannot help but draw up a diagram of those imperfections on your touched soul case.

It is not something you compare and appraise, it is a fixation of your own incarnation.

My name is _ and I have an eating disorder.

I am __ years old, five foot-something, 157 lbs, blue eyes, brown hair, & no thigh gap.

I go to the gym five to six days a week.

I have a degree, I work full time in a managerial position, and I have a eating disorder.

You cannot see my bones, you cannot see the space between my thighs, you cannot see the rings underneath my eyes for all the thousands of tears I have cried.

I struggle with something real, something people rarely talked about, no one reveals.

Punishment, self affliction, addiction, no type of healing medical prescription.

I don't eat, I eat, I binge, I drink, I purge, I cry, and still I try.

I try to battle every day, "don't count those **** calories" I say. "You know better" they cry but I remark, "Do I?"

All I know of is to hate, hate myself, my body, a disgusting self image that I formulate.

You see beauty, you see curves.

All I see

Is something that no one deserves. A body of disgust, a fat piece of skin.

As a 157 lbs living a 300 lb within.
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