Minds move too fast
While body’s stay still
I have lists upon lists
Unfinished chores
Get up
Clean up
Clean yourself
Feed yourself
But my body betrays me
Not even an inch of movement
Hours upon hours
A constant battle between the two
Body still as stone
Mind active as a windmill
Stone statue with a moving mind

I cling on to dreams
Like my life depends on it
Because it does
Without dreams I have no life
I can fly
I can live
I can be happy
I can be the self I should’ve become  
But they end
My body moves
My mind tries to fight it
But fails always and will always
Forever wanting to dream endlessly

People pour their words in my head
Too tall
Too weird
Too skinny
Too fat
Too flat
The words bouncing off the walls
Never leaving
Going in but never coming out
Poisoning my mind
Wondering why they won’t leave
Only to realise that those echoes
Are no one else’s but my own
My own voice
My own words
These words becoming my own
Forever stuck, never leaving

Born an artist
Drawing on whatever I could reach
Painting all the colours I could make
Time going by making me older
My most pride and joy
Turning against me
My paintbrush turned to tissues
My eraser turned to bandaids  
My pencil turned to a blade
My skin the perfect canvas
My wrist the perfect paper
Now my books plain
My walls white
Mind empty
All is left is the art piece on my arm

Being stuck between joy and numbness
Being pulled by one side
Then to the other the next day
Having to force that pull to joy
Straining the string
Once alone
It can’t be let go
Been holding the string for too long
My hands have cuts
My muscles are aching
The string is breaking
It’s easier to let go
Let it go

The darkest always seemed petrifying
Being afraid of your sight going
Not knowing
Not seeing
But I am now the opposite
Now that darkness has aided me
Comforted me
Hugged me
Hid me
My once most feared
Now my source of comfort

You can not help a dead flower
No matter how many petals you pluck
How many times you change the ***
the soil
the environment
Cut the roots
Give it sunshine
Water
Love
It’s still a dead flower
Forever rotting

Addiction to an empty stomach
That euphoric feeling
The one thing you can control
Yet oh yet
You can’t remember anything
Your thoughts fold within each other
Words colliding
Vision starts to fade
All you see is black
So you gave up on getting up
Up on speaking
On laughter
Joy
Food
Hygiene
Love
Endless hours, days, months, years
Still you aren’t able to get up
My throat is sore from asking for help
Calling out
My arms are tired from reaching out
Forever waiting to hold a hand
My eyes are painful from the endless tears
They need to be closed forever

Nothing triggers it
But everything does
Meaningless to explain
Again and again and again
But never sticking
There’s no reason but yet it effects me
I’m sick of it
Sick of my mind
Sick of my body
Sick of my face
Sick of my reflection
Sick of my voice
And yet I am all I have
I must love with what I am stuck with
Because I am my only person
Who knows me for me
I have been there for me
In good and dark
Always has
And forever will be my only one