i was blinded by your light,
a ray of sunshine, in this grey
i forgot how much i needed you,
was it love
was it a desire or was it pain.
you were distant, sometimes close , confusion prevailed.
i saw your face, and my day went well
i heard you talk and i fell further
my barriers, which i cant overcome, have made me who i am
yet i melt them down for you.
i wish we never meet,  i wont be able to hold back
people will tell me
go for it, tell her, whats the harm
they don't understand
they don't know you, they think you are like the others
sometimes i wonder what we would be together.
will it be easy like the others say, or will it all fall down
will i be good, will you be who i think you are
maybe i don't want to find out
i have loved you for far too long now
for wherever i go, you attached a small part to me
i berate myself, for i am a fool
she dosen't like you, you are just another wave in the ocean,
i know
maybe i will live my whole life watching her drift away
should have taken the chance, should have at least told her
no
i will not spoil this
this thing which holds me back
this thing which blinds me
this thing which i cant overcome
one day i will regret my choices
and you will be in someone else's arms whom you actually love
but just remember
you were someones love, you were his happiness
his smile, his despair and finally his doom.

And with each breath, it felt heavier, the mind wouldn't stop racing. Sleep was a desire unfulfilled. All the pills in the world couldn't numb the darkness, all my attempts to be myself again. I was happy , very much content, but then I was not. It.was a ride for a lifetime, I was being ridden everyday, my emotions frail, all the negative thoughts bringing to the light one question. Why even exist?, When silence is the best weapon, why even speak?, When being different is a crime, loving someone of your own gender is a taboo, and marrying the one you love , a mistake. I tried being nice, I tried being gentle, I gave respect , expected it too. But no, it's more than that now. Everyone wants a piece of the cake, they will **** for it. And why shouldn't they. We have followed orders , now we want to give orders, we want to establish that rule, that standard.
I imagine myself as the bad guy, doing bad things, satisfying my lust for greed, treasures , wealth. It makes sense, because the good guy taught me not to abuse, always be kind , polite. Only thing is .... It's hard , it's ****** hard to be kind , it pains to see others succeed, it pains when others achieve dreams and you are there. At that time I want to break free. I am the one to blame , but i won't accept it. It's not me , it's my deepest desires , to once accept my dark side. Try on that mask which I flung aside. See the shadows which I make when the nights are no longer a place to run from, but home. For once, I want to let my chains cage me up. All my kindness I want to replace with greed, jealousy and a deep desire to win , and win big.

One's memory, with a pinch of sweetness.
Just the right amount of care
Respecting vulnerabilities
Trudging paths of the immersive sheen of light
Often glazed with a smooth coating of a ravenous appetite for love
And when the warm tingles of the senses beckon I want you to close your eyes and feel the wave as it surges inside
And maybe try to savour it with an open heart.
Perhaps the thoughts of the past, may filter, and new ravines of doubts reappear.
Untill then, I will wait for you, with your favorite dish, and wish for it to end soon.