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Matt Proctor Feb 2014
How did I get so far
away from everything?
I am such a small person,
with such a small scope,
and such small knowledge,
How did I get such large opinions?

I've never been anywhere
close to love.
It's all I've wanted.

How did I get here
and not there
in your arms?

What is this misunderstanding,
this judgement
leading me to?

Is it bringing me
the long way around
to love?
Is it taking me
the long way home
to you?
Matt Proctor Feb 2014
I want to see how long
her hair has grown.

When I kissed her
she grabbed her face
and went, "****. ****. ****."

The flowers she gave me
are in an empty wine bottle
still dead and beautiful.
Matt Proctor Feb 2014
Waves o'er the waves.
Waves u'er the waves.
Waves waving to us on the shore.

A space shuttle destroying itself
to get to the stars,
causing it's own earthquake,
a big **** of fire
speeding it through gravity's
invisible leash,
another violence only possible
in the 20th century.

The quails calm on the wires...
Matt Proctor Feb 2014
Trust your vaulted hallucinations
Trust your most ridiculous
impossibilities
Trust the wild visions that arise
from moments of boredom

Do not trust the larcenous glares
that surround you
Do not believe the gravity
in the black holes of pupils

Trust the improbabilities
and they will become realities
Matt Proctor Feb 2014
An apartments the size of a grave
and just as expensive. It costs a life
to be buried on Avenue A.
Two girls reunite in their street corner booth

where many nights have been spent confiding
about boys, the plausible deniability
of taxicab *******, flights home over
one bridge or another.

She's just returned from a semester in Africa.
The unencumbered smiles beaming from
the children's faces linger like a sunburn.
Her friend is agonizing over a guy who believes in her

wholeheartedly. She commands him like a drone
with the send button on her phone.
She asks her friend if she saw the article in the Times
about women in Afghanistan who die for their poetry?

Is it still warring over there? the friend says.
Her laugh is ambushed by a new feeling, something like
regret at having allowed herself to be wrapped
in the personality of her dresses for so many years.

First thing when she got home she pulled her grandmother’s old fur
out of storage and wrangled the antlers onto the cat
but the smile didn't come. Tonight, we're going dancing.
The boys are meeting us there. Does that work?

She nods. A button is pushed and a car carries them
to a warehouse in Bushwick which twenty years ago
was a wonderful crack house. Oh, it's so good to see you again!
She laughs and pretends she is living the night like it's her last

the whole time thinking about a young girl
across the world speaking her poem
into a telephone so someone else can hear it
before the line goes dead.
New York City, NYC, Guilt
Matt Proctor Feb 2014
Isn't it funny
that from outer space
it is the earth
that looks like heaven?
Space, heaven, earth, paradise
Matt Proctor Feb 2014
The flowers: Where have they been?
I've excluded them. The rose is falling,
sogged with too much rain.
You did not need to cry that much.

I'm hiking up the ridge again
this time with a new flame,
a recovering alcoholic who sends me
an unusual amount of text messages.
When she talks she sounds like me.

Her eyes are owls.
They have wide, hooting pupils
constantly asking "Who?"
When I first saw her she was hidden
in her own arms and a rambling purple scarf.
I did love her then.
I don't love her now.

It's a peculiar feeling
not being a fool for a beautiful girl
who's agreed to go on a date with me.
It's not a feeling at all.
The old feelings were rotten.
Was love one of them?
Love was all of them.
Rotten, possessed love.
Downtrodden, obsessed love.
Forgotten, confessed love.
Love song love.
Luther Vandross love.
Bing Crosby love.
The real stuff. The stuff that turns
you into a desperate, hurtin' man.

I try not to feel it anymore.
I am successful and
better off because of it.

The bud spills from the stalk
as blood tumbles from a bullethole.
The sun is high and it is breaking
the wild cucullia into crisp, dry weeds.
The sun is killing the grass.
It does not mean to.

It only wants to watch.
It watches too closely.
The grass dies.
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