In my childhood
I played with fire!
Now I play
with matches:

Sticks without embers
that burn with hot remembers
inflaming logic without reasons
for the
Treason; treason,
falling by the seasons
like a burning white hot snow.

and realizing:

That the more
That I discover
The less there is
To know.



Copyright © 2013 by John Russell; all rights reserved.  No reproduction allowed in any manner whatsoever without permission.

Sitting at my desk, staring down at words.
Knowing that they mean nothing if they are never heard.
Wondering and thinking, what they might mean to you.
If you had of heard them, which you will never do.
Dotting I's with hearts, and making perfect lines.
The scripture is so beautiful, though i don't know why.
For you will never see this, so you will never know.
Because as soon as i have finished, in the garbage it will go.

One day i'll be brave.
One day i'll be wise.
One day i'll be able to look you in the eye.
Maybe i'll just say it,and use my voice for once.
But until i get that courage, i'll rip this paper up.

I'd pull my covers over my head one last time,
just to smell the faint blood you shed and rolled in,
from nightly cuts and dry eyes
devoid of tears.

I stared at the lines around your lips so long,
they faded into the sheets and I couldn't tell you
from the bed.

Do you ever think you didn't exist?
Probably Not, I repeat almost daily.
Send me more letters and dot your i's next time,
you were always clumsy with your hands,
with tattooed wrists and scarred forearms.

I'm still lying where you left me.
I got stuck, I'll admit.
Just know that I'll be gone tomorrow.
No, this time for good.

There are many things I can tell you, and many things I cannot.
The amount of battles I've won is much less than the ones I've fought.
But I've got lots of knowledge buried inside my skull
Some of which is morbid, but most of which is dull.

I can tell you how to sweep the kitchen floor without leaving behind crumbs,
I can tell you how to twist a doorknob without using your thumbs.
I can tell you how to get to Union Station from the West-bound train,
I can teach you different pranks that will drive your brother insane.

I can tell you how to sear small burns into your delicate skin,
I can name you all the different pills that will make you thin.
I can tell you how to hurt yourself in places no one will find,
I can tell you how to arrange your coke into a perfect line.

But there are things I cannot say, for I have not discovered:
How to find hope, how to be kind, or how to be a lover.
I'm still learning how to drive my car in standard,
And I'm still trying to figure out how to behave in a polite manner.

Every day I learn, and every day I fail
But my burning desire for growth will always prevail.

Because although I am destructive and ill and cold
And though I am young and foolish and bold
I am still looking forward to what the future will hold
Because there are many things I can tell you, and many things to be told.

I would give everything to not sleep alone tonight,
I have tried so many drugs to make this burden feel light.
But nothing is helping to rid these beasts out of sight!
Show me something to end this nightmare,
give me something to win this fight.

summer days
                                       wishes floating away
                                                                              on the breezes that tug my hair

Got this ache
Ooh sweet fire, burning me down
Wrapping hot silky wet around all of my sharp edges
You make me feel like a hot house orchid
Ice eater
Anything to temper the flame
Liiiick
Straight up center stage
Curtains parted
Gasp and low moaned surprise
Fingers dancing, soprano orchestra sings
Yeeeeees
Opera house style
Standing ovation
Bow taken
...we should make a season out if this