I miss you
Daddy,
Where did you go?
On my first
Birthday
My gift from you was
A disappearing act.
I didn't know
That you were a
Magician,
Four years old,
You finally
Reappear.
You cram my brain
With Starry Wars
And Nightmares
Before Christmas.
You fill my belly with
Shell mac-n-cheese
And microwave soft pretzels.
And you inject my heart
With the hope
That this time you will
Stay.
I hate you
Daddy,
Gone again.
You've been practicing
Your magic
Tricks.
Not only can you
Vanish
But you can also
Brainwash
Little girls.
I cry myself to
Sleep
And wonder where it is you've gone
And why you left me
Here
And when you will
Reappear
This time.
I'm seventeen
And here you are
Again.
And when you let me down
I realize that you
Never knew
Magic.
You never were a
Magician.
You were just a
Man
That was
Lost
With a daughter
That you couldn't
Keep
And a life that you
Hated.

I stare at my plate
Then I look at the clock
Counting down the seconds
Until it settles.
Up I jump
Eager as ever
Running to the little room
With the toilet inside.
Shaking hands find
The little button
At the back
Of my throat.
Into the porcelain ***
Goes my dinner
My hopes
And my health.
Down the drain
Is my meatloaf
My joy
And my life.
Sticky saliva forms a
Web on my fingers
Resembling the web of lies
I have made to cover this up.
Wipe away the tears
The snot
The bile
And do it again.
Over and over and over
Until the last piece is out
And I’m left numb
On the tiled floor.
Hair matted
Eyes bloodshot
Nose running
Throat burning.
Stumbling through the halls
Trying to make sense of it all
I just wanted to look perfect
Was that too much to ask?
There's no turning back...