Looking out the window
my eyes angled up above where the sky meets my eye
I realize how It slowly passes us by
and I question myself
how busy am I to not notice the beauty of life?

Sitting on the dining table
resting my head on my cold hands
listening to the bantering voices and the soap opera on the screen
how ironic it seems
to look at something ordinary being glamorized
by lights , costumes, scripts and actors
the reflection of the scene
taking over my vision of what is in front of me
is this really reality?

It's midnight
and I can't help it
I think about
your brown eyes
and how they stare right into mine
with sincerity

but I guess I was wrong
because you left me on the edge
full of what-ifs and what-could-have-been.

He came to me by surprise
With a "Hello" and a charming smile
I sat next to him in the car thinking
"This is crazy. I was only joking."
He doesn't make my heart flutter
He doesn't make my skin tingle
He doesn't make me clammy or out of breath
but
He does make me smile
He does make me laugh
He does make me think about him a lot
And most importantly
somehow he makes me feel less cynical about love even for a little while
We talked and talked and talked until early morning
and that's how it ended
with an awkward high five and a "Goodbye."

I replace sadness with anger
but that doesn't always work
because
the tears won't stop
and the heart
keeps on hurting
from this struggle
of wanting and not wanting.

I sat on a blue colored swing
pushing myself up so high
as if I can touch the sky
jumping of my seat
dust gather around me

Sometimes I wish
that I remained naive
free from the troubles of this world
but once you lose it you can never have it back

Now that I'm back, sitting on that swing
it no longer moves in many ways
it goes back and forth carefully
afraid that it will break
afraid that I will break
afraid always afraid

10 am: rise and shine
12 pm: let us dine
3 pm: sweat it out
10 pm: lights out
(repeat)
the clock keeps on ticking
and I'm still here right where I was
after May 27th.

I've grown a year older but
not sure if I'm any wiser.
Still prefers night to day and
sunrise over sunsets.

The 15th of May will be
D-Day
whether I get to fly or fall
from the dream I've been living in
a cycle of waiting
the alarm will blare
                           (soon).

"We are all bound to change
but some people stay the same."
And that is...

The feeling that is not
                                        new to me:
I feel like shedding my skin off,
peel away all the things
that make me feel
like shattered pieces of glass.

I just want to run away
to a place
where no knows
me
I want to hide at a corner
where I can
just be.

I run
because I forget in the first place why I do
I run
because I can't stop thinking "why do I even breathe"
I run
because I think about you and me then back to me then back to you
I run
because of the silent scream in my head that needs to be suppressed
I run
because there is so much hate and love inside me
I run, I run, I run
far
         far away
                          even if I stumble
                          even if I get scarred
                          even if


I run.

I want to paint you
as the night sky
the darkness that is I
illuminated
by indefinite stars,
that is You.