“ Don’t frown. Smile, people will think I am hurting you.”

So I smile.

“ don’t wear that , I know what boys think .”

So I change.

“ Don’t say anything. Just sit. “

So I smile and sit.

“ if anyone ever asks , everything is okay .”

… right. ‘ everything is ok’

“ Smile. Remember smile. People will question me, and I don’t want that .”

So I begin to remember everything I am taught.

I must be obedient. I must be modest . I must be silent. I must be perfect. I must be happy. I must be out of sight unless summoned. I must not be too pretty, not too unkempt or sloppy. I must not slouch.
I must not tempt men. I must not speak.
I must not upset the hands that care for me.
I must smile. I  must be poised and graceful.

Easy. Just smile.

No one must know.

All these voices telling me I know something is wrong, it’s a loud noise.

These constant little whispers that summon that familiar taste of betrayal, it’s a violent shiver.

‘Beware , beware … there are signs you’ve chosen to be blind to, beware of the words who’s sweet and endearing touch you know,”
They warn.

And then there’s the defiant and strong wiled songs of the heart , it’s a mere melody.

“ no, it can’t be true. We know the true heart of the one you hold dear. We know they wouldn’t ever betray. Believe that your love will be enough,” They sing.

Louder and louder the angel and the devil over my shoulder argue. The ongoing chants of reason and denial grow louder and louder.

Until one day , there’s silence. The truth reveals that what was hidden.

We found love. We did.

After 6 years of wandering pain…

We thought we found love.

We found sorrow. We did.

After a couple weeks of confusing feelings …

We felt history repeat itself.

What is this thing about trust that makes it so special in the eyes of the girl who wants to live again ?


What is this thing called when a past so full of darkness wants to seek the light ?

She wants to love again and is met with another’s thorn.

… we thought love could overcome all. We did….

The agonny of being torn in half-- can you hear me?

This nagging voice i'm being taunted by..
Telling me to give in once again.

Telling me that even if i was wronged,
I still am to give in .

I wanna be where the song birds serenade the sun .
I wanna be where the fluffy clouds gallop through.
I wanna be where the sun gently kisses my skin.
Where the laughter is abundant .
Where the memories are made.  
And smiles created.
I want to be there.

I'm just being honest.
I promise I'll never beg for Your respect.

And I stayed there.
Looking inside something I knew I could never find.
What a fool I made of myself.
Even so, here I am, searching- longing.
What diffrence will it make?
One broken heart looking for another heart that simply doesn't know how to give love back.
And yet i still belive.