I hate you
I can’t get rid of you
You don’t even know the power you hold
It feels like I’m drowning
Over this but I wasn’t
Confidence waning
My control; give it back

Shaundarel 2024

Some days breathing is all you can do.
When all your strength is forced in to not crying and not overreacting. Everything is too much.
Some nights there's nothing left to urge yourself to breathe.
Screaming internally.
Cursing your luck.
Remember that you matter even though they make you feel like you don't.
Not fast enough. Not smart enough. College degree for nothing. Drowning in debt for trying to better yourself.
Trying with every last drop of your yearning to do a good job. Your need for recognition and acceptance. Still they drain you.  
Fighting to keep your belief that you can go farther.
Getting knocked back sown and put back in "your place."
Reminded that you don't matter to some people.
You will never be appreciated by every single one.
Always reaching, always falling.
Still they drain you.
Shut you down when you have nothing left.
Fighting to be better everyday.
Punched in the gut for your efforts.
Back down to "your place."
The ceiling seemingly like that endless hallway.
Dread of the next mistake, the next failure.
Trying your best with nothing to show for it.
Reaching out as they slap yoir hand away again.
Back to "your place."
No strength left.
Fighting the tears.
Still they drain you.

The house is silent and I'm all alone
No one is here, it's so normal to me
Lonely every night, but not for love
Lonely in solitude, wishing for contact
No one is here, I'd like to go now
Silence
No one to talk to, now it's so loud
The silence deafens me, and I retreat
A beautiful place inside my mind
No one is here to pull me away
Racing with thoughts so fast
It beckons me, pulsing so loud
Silence

Shaundarel 2024

Daily, I wake up and smile thinking of you.
Time speeds by, I'm happy and hopeful.
My mind races with what lies ahead.
Ideas and day dreams, on constant current.
My thoughts always come back to you.
How we got here is special, I know.
I lie awake, thoughts racing.
My heart skips undeterred, it's always you.
It's always, always been you.
Broken hearts and scars become us,
but you are always there.
Your voice, it soothes me, always steady.
Your touch caresses my inner desires.
I feel you with me all the time.
You're a beacon, leading me to paradise.
It's always, always been you.

A long road to go down
A testing journey
Resilience is failing
But you can bounce back
Never give up
Be strong and grow
Be patient and caring
Calm your mind
And just breathe in

I guess i'm still here, I guess I got lost
I'm still so reactive, I'm still so hardheaded
Nothing has changed, it's not me anymore
I'm not the same, but there you are
Screaming, twisting, controlling my actions
For my own good. you watch out for me
You're never wrong, so why this time
Why this moment, what did I do wrong
I tried to do right , I'm mentally exhausted
Worries scratching at the edge of my skull
Decisions and a thousand thoughts
Swirling constantly, and they never knock
My voice is hoarse, my tears are not drying
What's the point, broken heart either way
Stop, breathe in, breathe out
Listen to me, I'm always right here
You never shut up, always in my head
History repeats, lessons get buried
I can almost reach, I'm so close

Growing stronger every day
Breathing in breathing out
Distance yourself don't engage
Minimal contact is the goal
Comments like stray bullets
Whipping past my ears
Echoing in my head
Face red not embarrassed
Ignore the stares don't react
Compliments burn when they shouldn't
Leave me be and listen please
Take your bullets take them back
Your words do nothing
A heart not ready so just stop
The notion is noble i think
I want no one so leave me be
Thank you but no
I don't want your bullets
Let me be free and leave me be

Tired of not sleeping enough.
Tired of this feeling.
I'm tired.
Dreams mixed with dream-less nights.
Exhaustion creeps in without me noticing.
I'm tired.
Emotional deconstruction fails again.
Walls closing in on me.
Empathetic waves of pain rolling over.
Again and again it lingers.
Sadness but then a spark.
I can feel it. I can feel everything.
I'm tired.
Dark circles creep past my eyes.
Energy slowly fading.
I'm tired.
Block it out. Block it out.
She screams in my head.
Stop this. No more.
I'm tired.
The pain and anguish take over.
Stealing away my consciousness.
She begs. I can do nothing.
Her voice reaching out slowly fading.
We are tired.
I don't want this. This isn't me.
It is though. When they hurt we hurt.
When their tears fall so do ours. Mine.
I'm tired.

Shaundarel 2024

Breathe in slowly
Close your eyes
Try to focus
Breath out
Listen to the waves
Relax in this moment
Breathe in again
Focus
Breath out
See your worries
Remember them
Learn from them
Breathe in again
Focus
Breathe out
You are stronger
Worries are temporary
Stress is temporary
Good things will come
Focus on your worth
Know your worth it
Fight for it
Don't back down
The fight is hard
Patience is hard
The end is worth the wait
Breathe in
Focus
Breathe out

Shaundarel 2024

I hope you are okay
I know it’s hard to do
I feel your pain deeply
I hope you can believe in you
I know you can do this
I feel like something’s missing
I hope you know we’re here
I know you are strong enough
I feel your absence completely

Shaundarel 2024

Sometimes I wonder where my life would be What would have happened if you hadn't found me
Love has fallen, before through my fingers
But your love day-by-day at lingers
My heart skips a beat hearing your name.
I know our lies will forever be changed
I love you now and I'll love you then
I can't wait for a life to begin
The struggles we've been through the days that we've cried
No need to worry, I'm by your side
Shivers tremble down my spine
I can't wait for the day that you'll be mine

Pretend that you're OK
Pretend that you soul isn't dying
Pretend that you can be strong
Pretend you're happy
Hide your heart
Hide your anger and sadness
Hide yourself
Hide how you feel
Pretend your life isn't falling to pieces

I guess i'm still here, I guess I got lost
I'm still so reactive, I'm still so hardheaded
Nothing has changed, it's not me anymore
I'm not the same, but there you are
Screaming, twisting, controlling my actions
For my own good. you watch out for me
You're never wrong, so why this time
Why this moment, what did I do wrong
I tried to do right , I'm mentally exhausted
Worries scratching at the edge of my skull
Decisions and a thousand thoughts
Swirling constantly, and they never knock
My voice is hoarse, my tears are not drying
What's the point, broken heart either way
Stop, breathe in, breathe out
Listen to me, I'm always right here
You never shut up, always in my head
History repeats, lessons get buried
I can almost reach, I'm so close

I hate this I hate it, It hurts its gone
A missing piece, the puzzle forgotten
Thoughts and habits
The pathway is blocked
Deep inside I scream
Why is it this
Why can't it be that
Loneliness creeps in
Alone and confused
I wait and think
Thoughts always rushing
Bombarded with pain
It won't go away
I just wanna fix it
It's just not that simple
Drowning within myself
Trying to breathe
Catch it take it back
Hand slapped away
A fork in th road
But I'm still here
Waiting, breathing
Supposed to be strong
I feel so weak
Yet here I am
Waiting, breathing
Wishing, hoping
Fight til the end

Breakdown rages
Mental rollercoaster in my head
Handle it **** it
Slow down the racing
Today is not the end
Tears will run
Already they run
Concentration fighting
Handle it **** it
What’s happening to me
Can’t stop my brain
I want to hide and cry
Somewhere in the dark
Solace is comforting
Handle it **** it
Vision is blurry
I can’t see through the storm
We have things to do
We have people to see
Handle it **** it

Shaundarel 2024