The water moves too quickly
It comes at me in waves, one after the next, unrelenting, cold
I want to give up. Sometimes I think it might be nobler to
Instead of fighting every step, tree bark under my nails
but when I take the high ground and look down at the rushing water
I have the strangest feeling that the dam broke because of me

I wish you would call
so I could worry about
someone I know I can walk away from.

I listen. I watch every move you make
I look for stains on the tiles
but the signs keep slipping through my fingers
am I not looking hard enough?
am I letting you down?
Oh god I hope I’m not letting you down
I don’t think I could ever forgive myself for making the same mistake twice

I don’t know why I’m resisting, what memory Ive forgotten makes my hands tremble when you ask
Even the idea that I might (just maybe) keeps me up at night

I want everything to make sense
I want it to fit together. I want it to be an even sum
But it slips through my fingers when I try to count it
Dripping to the floor, lost to the count
And I’m left with nothing when I’m through
Just a load of guesses that never feel quite right
Will I ever understand how I feel?
I wish it never mattered.

I dream that I’m smoking
so frequently I can’t tell if it’s real
I can feel the smoke heavy in my lungs. I breathe in—
I don’t remember the exhale.

I line my shoes up carefully when I enter so you can’t tell I’m angry. But I’m neurotic, babe, and I have been all along. I wish I was sitting by the water and I wish I was crying but I’m not and I’m not and I’m not angry I’m just filled with the unconscious desire to grab your head and twist it too far to the right for you to breathe but it doesn’t surface until I see you shut the door behind you. I punch the air and I want a car to come and just get it over with but there’s no cars. So I cross the street. So I cross the street and I **** it up and I wish you’d think I’m dead. Just for a second.