I feel so numb since i got the  news that Friday morning. I dont know how to tell you everything that i want to. Without feeling so bad or sounding selfish. It seems like since you were taking away all the good was too. The bond that we share could never be broken.

Why did you have to leave so soon? Why did you have to go so young? Why did you have to leave us knowing we needed you?


I know you are in a better place. Its always going to hurt to carry on with out you. How do i breathe without it hurting so much? Give me the strength my angel to curry on. Light my way for me as i hold on to every memory we share. Any road i take i know that it will lead me HOME. Any path i roam on will lead me to you again. You will open up them golden gates for me and welcome me HOME. Sometimes cry at night. Just know im not crying because of you. Im crying for me. It makes me feel alive and human. Since you left us i felt so dead and numb.

Tell me... what do it look like in Heaven? Is it beautiful and free. Like uncle roger use to tell us? Can you do the things you love to do? When you were here on earth with us. Are you riding that four wheeler That we loved to ride. Do they have a mud hole you can go and have fun? We all know you loved to get muddy. Are you driving your dream truck? Is my grandfather there with you? So you arent alone.

Letting go isn’t that easy to do. I know i will get by. I know i will be okay. It just gets hard for me sometimes. Im getting use to not seeing you online. Im getting use to not seeing you post them statuses. That makes me ask  if you are alright. Im even getting use to not receiving a message from you telling me “ you miss me and you need to see my face. so i need to come home and visit.”

There is a lot of things in this world that i can handle but losing you can not. It drives me crazy some days. If i could take your place i would in a heart beat. I will never get use to losing you so young.

ILL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU MY ANGEL

TILL WE MEET AGAIN

FAVORITE COUSIN FROM OHIO

SAMMIE

R.I.P MY ANGEL NATE BECKNER

My feelings hit the ground. And shuttered all around me. How do you find the strength in the struggles?? How do i come face to face with my troubles???

When you are broken in a million little pieces. Every tear falls for reason. How do you hold on to yourself?? When you feel so blue?? Im losing faith in my self but im finding it in you...

Im trying my hardest to figure this all out.
Im sorry that im broken. Im sorry for the way i act. I dont know why i do. Maybe its because im scare. I love you so much. More then you'll ever know. But i know there may come a day that ill lose you. Thats something i can not bare.

I know im pushing you away. But thats what i do. I dont mean too. I really dont. But its hard to believe someone is here to stay when everyone always left. I dont know where to turn or how to feel.

Everything is crashing down on me and its hard to breathe. I want these thoughts and voices to go way but they wont. Telling me to **** myself you really dont care. Once you get back on your feet he will be right out the door.

Seems to be the pattern with you. But then again its my fault i always let you come back. But i cant help myself i love you more then my self. I would give my life just to save yours.

I know its hard to handle and im sorry for that but please dont give up on me just yet. Im still trying to wrap my head around everything. I want to do good for you. I dont want you to see this side of me. I want to be strong for you. But its hard to do when i have my own demons to fight.

Just like you asked me to help through your troubles..im asking you to help me threw mine. Not as my friend but as my man. I dont want anyone else. I want you i dont care who i lose or what ******* we may go threw as long as i have you by my side ill be alright.

Im asking you for help. I never ask for help i do everything on my own but baby i need help.. Help me with these demons i love you

My heart is breaking. These tears are burning my cheeks.Because you never call me when you are sober...

So here i am laying in bed weighing out the pros and cons once again. All because you are telling me...

"Sam i love you...i always have...lets make it right...i havent loved anyone the way i love you...i never thought i could love you the way i do.. Baby i miss you lets be a family again...me you and our son... He was always a son to you...i shouldnt have let you go not once but twice... Im sorry please give us a chance again.."

Pros
1.You made me so happy
2.I love you
3.Never stopped
4.Im still crazy for you
5.Always felt right with you
6.Your smile melts my heart
7.Never had a bad moment with you
8.You cared so much about me
9.I never had to pretend to be happy
10.I think and dream of you
11.My past didnt bother me when i was with you.
12.You liked me for me (nothing more nothin less)
13.I found my sef

Cons
1.You hurt me not once but twice
2.You broken a promise that met the world to me
3.Its been over 4 freaking years.
4.You could destroy me again.
5.I lost myself

I was bout to give in. Then i looked in your eyes and all the pain came back to me. Because i know you are only saying it because you are drunk once again. Thats the only time you contact me....

So now my heart is breaking. These tears are burning my cheeks...Because you dont love me when you are sober...

Although i love you and i never stopped. I want to work it out. Things will never be the same with us. It hurts oh god do it hurts...

I want the sparkle in my eyes that everyone saw when i spoke of your name or your name lights up my phone back. I want the smile that came across my face when i saw you. I want the love that we had back. I want my best friend and the one i could count on back.

That will never happen.
Because you never call me when you are sober.

My heart is breaking. These tears are burning my cheeks. All because you cant call me , love me , or want me when you are sober.

Just tell me when you are sober

i dont know what this is with us.
im not sure where it will go.
i just know i love the way you make me feel.
i am happy
i am whole
i am everything i need to be because of you.
i spent a long time drowning and you taught me how to breathe again
you may not know this but you had saved me from myself and the idea that i am not worth nothing.
i had lost myself a long time ago
you are helping me bring me back
and all you are doing is being you
you walked into my life and my heart torn down my walls and lit my soul like it belongs to you
i may not get to see you as often as i like
i may not get to hold you although the night
but my heart wont let you go
i thought i had lost you with everything that happen
that thought torn me apart
i know it had only been a short peroid of time
and maybe im the only one who is feeling this way
i cant wait to see what is in store for us
you make me want to do better
some one you can be proud of.
i want to thank you for bringing this heart of mine back alive
i want to thank you for caring
and for ******* me good
for letting us have more then just *** between us
even if im not sure what it is
i want to thank you for being here
i know i can count on you

I always wondered what love felt like. Then I met you. Best feeling ever but then again knowing you dont love me back is the worst feeling ever. I accept the fact we cant be but you dont get it. You are going to be that one person that I carry with me for the rest of my life. You are the story of my life. I am only a part of yours.You may say I'm cold-hearted,but I do have a heart.I just have a tendency to give it to the wrong people.You can thank my Ex's for making me who I am.

I miss you so much. All I wanna do is cry every time I think of you. I want to give up on love because I know we will never be the same as we use to be. I will never feel the love that I feel with you. It takes a second to like, it takes a minute to crush, it takes a week to love but it takes a life time to forget..I'm fighting back emotions that I've never fought before, cause I'm not suppose to LOVE you anymore... You said you wanted to be friends and I agreed it was best for you, but now i don't know if ill be able to, memories keep popping up and Im not sure if i can handle it To some people I love you means in this moment that's how I feel .To me it means ill fight for us to the end.Wish i had known you didn't mean it the same as I did Just once I wish I knew exactly what to say to you, how to say it and when to say it. There is no words to say. When what I want to say i cant.

It's because of her that I can't have you. It's because of her that I can't be happy with you.
It's because of her that everything has to stop.
It's because of her that you aren't mine
It's all because of her

You know we had a special kind of love since the 5th grade. It was puppy love back then. To the 9th grade when it trun to love till now it turn to us making love. Its a dream come true. A dream that girls dream of. A dream of mine that I will never have.

I say it's getting hard to handle being friends but deep down I know not being friends will hurt more. I often dreamed of you when you left me out the blue back in freshman year. Wonder where you were? How you was doing? Who was loving you?  If she was loving you right? Then you found me on facebook and everything had changed. My feeling stayed the same. I played it off like you finding me wasnt a big deal. Deep down I was happy and fill with excitement. Then you told me you had to tell me something. The world around me stopped by the tone of your voice I knew I wasnt about to like what was about to be told. You told me you was having a son and right then and there I knew. I had lost you for ever. That day killed me inside. It hurt so **** bad.

Then you stop talking to me and years later you contacted me on facebook. Told me you was back home and you wanted to see me. We met up and we made love. Looking into your eyes I saw the love , the feelings , the hurt in your eyes. Thats the moment I knew that we cant do it again. It isnt fair to me or to you. It will just hurt us in the long run. So once again im stuck here wondering what I am suppose to do. Because when I have a bad day all I want to do is talk to you. When I have I good day I wanna tell you about it first. This isnt how it suppose to be. Im not suppose to be stuck on you

Im not suppose to think of you 24/7. The first thing in the morning when I wake up to the middle of the day to the time I fall asleep. You are the first and last thing I think of. Why is this? It drives me insane. So what is a girl suppose to do?

Dont tell me you love me if you really don't.
Dont play with my emontions if you dont tend to stay.
If this is going to be like the other times please leave now.
If we are just being friends and i finally get my best friend back.
Let me know where you stand so i know
I need to know so i can either lock up my feelings or let them flow out
I truly believe that if we really try we can be something beautiful
You know ill never hurt you
You know ill have your back no matter what
Image all that we can build together
Our love is strong if you let it be
You know i got you ill cover you for what ever you cant handle.
Ill build you up
Look how far i got on my own
I grew up im so mature now
Im not that 12 year old girl who let everything tick her off
But can you blame me
When i love i love hard
You have always been the one who held my heart
No matter how many guys i tryed to date none of them compares to you.
I always look for you in them
But maybe thats where i go wrong
But i cant help it...
Ill never let you go
When i promised you years ago that ill be here till im 6 feet under
Thats what i met
So let me know
If you just want to be friends and keep things as it is
Im okay with it
I just need to know
But if there is some little hope in your heart
That you want to try and really try
Then let me know im all yours
If im the only who feels strongly about us then please just be real and open up to me like you use to
I can handle what ever you choose but please dont lead me on

Everyone says this is wrong.
Everyone says i shouldnt do this Because of the history you have with my mom.
Everyone says i am wrong for it
But if its wrong then why do it feel so right.
If its wrong then why do i not care that i have lost everything.
She's making me choice my niece or you...
How can i do such a thing?
With you im free.
With you im at peace.
You are helping me grow
You are helping me become a better me
The women i want to be.
In the past 3 months i have grown alot.
So how can i choose between the man who makes me happy and supports me in everything i do in life and my niece that i will **** for?
Im not i wont. She can not take this away from me
I need you more then ever right now.
Im trying so hard to stay strong and not lose it
Im trying so hard to be the bigger person here
My niece will understand
She will see how grandma is and sammi did not choose a guy over her just to make grandma happy
For once she will see that sammi chose herself
So im going to warn you im going to apologize now
Im going to get moody
Im going to shut down
Im going to hurt
But dont blame yourself
Dont take it to the heart
This is my choice
I just need you to be here for me
Tell me its okay and it will be okay
Tell me you are here
And you arent going any where

Let me tell you guys I'm going through it right now. So much been thrown at me and I'm still so young. It's so unreal. Some days I don't even know how I can wake up and get out of bed. Depression is really kicking me in the ***. It's like once I think I'm getting ahead I get pushed back 10 more feet. I feel like I'm suffocating. Why do everything bad happen to me? What did I ever do to deserve it?

From losing the best guy friend that I knew half my life. I never thought he would do me the way he did. The same dude that would throw hands to another guy for talking to me the wrong way. The same guy that I would lie for. Straight up throw my hand up and fight for. With no questions asked.

The same dude who I loved so much that I stayed up at night crying worrying about him all the time. All because I had a gut feeling he wasn't good. The same guy that mama trusted her 12-13 year old daughter being out at night till 2 or 3 in the morning with. The same guy that Mama fed and cared for. The same guy I thought I'll have a life with. Now all that is dead and gone 13 years later.
It makes no sense at all. The history, the love that we had just gone like that. why? I want to know why? How can he hurt me so bad that I am to the point I no longer want to know who he is? Just want to erase everything between us. The past 13 years. How could I have been so blind. I used to think I wasn't good enough for him but thinking back. NOW I see he wasn't good enough for me never was never will be.

See this is what I think been going on. I have just been the chick he fall back on. I've been the chick that he has so much history with. That he just didn't want to give it up. So he kept playing with my emotions and my feelings. He kept playing games with my head. Telling me that he loves me and I will always have his heart. Telling me all this **** that I wanted to hear. Just to keep me around but deep down he really didn't care for me. Deep down he didn't love me. If he did he wouldn't make me cry. He wouldn't let me stay up at night wondering why I wasn't good enough.

I get it back in the day we was young and guys like to play games. We are grown now so what's the excuse. Now I'm not saying that Chris never loved me or care for me because  I'm sure at one point in life he did. Its just things changed between him and I. That's something I can't ignore because the Chris I knew would never do this. I spent so much of my life loving him and caring for him. Crying and writing poetry for him. So afraid to let him go. That I might miss my shot. That a lot of relationships didn't work out because of it. Not anymore. I'm not saying I don't love him any  more. I'm not saying that I don't care because I do. A part of me will always but the Sammie that he once knew is gone. I'm no longer going to wait around.I'm not putting my life on hold for him anymore.

I guess you can say I'm over it all. I'm not going to wish bad luck on him. I wish him well I hope he finds happiness. I hope he never puts a girl through what he has put me through. These are my final word to him. I'll see you in another life

So now back to me. Not only am I having nochoice of letting go of a guy who had been a big part of my life. I lost my best female friend. Thought this girl will have my back no matter what. I was blind with her too. She ****** me over  so bad. That I don't trust no *** now. I gave an arm for her.  Got a tattoo with her. That's how real I thought our friendship was. Come to find out. It was all just an act. Everyone tried to warn me about her. I just didn't listen. It's okay though. I ain't mad at her . I got the tattoo off of my body. Got it cover up and I got her out my life. To her I don't wish her bad either.

I hope she learned that she lost. Someone who is down for her. Who stood up for her and would do anything for her. I never switched up on her. When I should have but I learned my lesson and that's okay. I just know if she keeps *******  over her friends.  She's going to be one lonely person. So I'm only going to ask is. Why? That's all I want to know is why? I hope it was worth it all I really do.

I'm even going through it with my ex. He put me through hell and back. ****** me over way too many times. The whole time I was with him it was nothing but lies. I couldn't see it. I didn't want to believe it. I ignore all the signs. Never  thought he would do the things he have done.

Taking loans in my name without me knowing. Scamming me and everything else.10 years of friendship and 2 years of my love I gave him . I wasted on him. I never left him. Even when many people told me I should. So many people try to warn me about him. People who didn't even know him just knew of him.
Everyone warned me down in South Carolina . I didn't listen I believed what he told me. Did what he asked of me. I was happy down there. Thought it was like a dream come true. I'm not going to let that hold me back. I'm not going to let it break me. His day will come and I honestly can't wait. I can't wait for the day he burns. Everything will catch up to him. That I promise him. Now I see why his ex don't want his son in his life. So Adrian I hope you enjoy it while it last. I'm coming for you and I'm giving it all I got. This is not over yet. I can't wait to see your face in court with hand cuffs on. Its going to take every inch of my body not to spit in your face.

I know this is long enough so I'm going to end it. I just had a vent and trust me it helped a lot. I know my questions won't be answer but it feels good to let it out

The eyes around me are so blind.
They dont see what i hide.
I wanna scream for help.
But will anyone really care.

My heart is tattooed on my sleeve.
Can you fix whats made to be broken.
I cant fix myself even though i try so hard.

Everyone thinks im fine.
I hide it very well.
But what they dont know is...
IT ONLY HURTS TO BREATHE..
I dont think it will ever stop.
It buries me alive.
Im suffocating.


My heart is tattooed on my sleeve.
Can you fix whats made to be broken.
I cant fix myself even though i try so hard.

I wanna scream and punch things.
Just so someone can realize.
IT ONLY HURTS TO BREATHE.

I fight back these demons that i have inside.
Everyday its a battle field.
Just to get out of bed.
To start my day.
When i just want to lay down and make it all go away.

Take this any way you want.
Im just writing the facts.
Im not a victim.
Nor do i try to play one.
Im a fighter and a survivor.

But i can not be a fighter anymore
I can not fight these demons anymore


My heart is tattooed on my sleeve.
Can you fix whats made to be broken.
I cant fix myself even though i try so hard.

IT ONLY HURTS TO BREATHE

I hope you remember this day because I know I will.

Where were you when I said I loved you?
Where were you when I cried all those night?
Where were you for the past year?
Where were you when I couldn't sleep because you had disappeared out my life?

Had me thinking I did something wrong.
Had me thinking you were dead.
All I had to hold on to was all the times we had shared.
All the times you had me smiling with no care in the world.
See you may not remember a lot.
While I wish i didn't remember.

I remember every time you broke my heart.
I remember every time you came back and fixed my heart.
I remember every little thing.
But you will remember
The day I gave up loving you.
This heart of mine couldn't take no more of you.
I was so hurt and confused this  last time around.

I didnt want to eat.
I didn't want to sleep.
I didn't want to get out of bed.
I didn't want to live.

You're going to remember this day as I walk out.
You're going to remember this day I scream I hate you.
Some how deep inside I'm still loving you.
No one knew all the pain I went through.
All the love I had deep in my heart for you.

Didn't know what to do.
Didn't know what to say.
Didn't know who to turn to.
Didn't know who to cry to.
Didn't know if I could love again.
But you made me do this.
Plus my heart kept telling me so.
When you was that person to me.


  
You're going to remember this day as I walk out.
You're going to remember this day I scream I hate you.

I HATE YOU

Take a minute to listen i promise thats all it will take give or take. I probably got my hopes up for nothing. Maybe even let my guard down too fast but i couldn't help it felt so right. I felt comfortable from the moment you walked through the door. Thats not easy for me to do. See men havent been so nice to me. Thats a story for another time so for me to feel as comfortable as i did with you has to mean something. Im a big believer that everything happens for a reason good or bad. We dont just meet people god brings them to us for some reason or another.maybe to show us what we are missing or to show us that its okay to let other in.

When i say let others in i dont mean in our life but in our heart soul and minds. Maybe that's what he was telling me when he let you walk in them doors. Maybe he was showing me that its okay to let people see the pain inside and the hurt in my eyes i try so hard to hide. Maybe he was showing you something and it has nothing to do with me maybe im doing fine. But we met that night for a reason and that i belive.

Like i said i could be wrong and i got my hopes up for no reason. But i can't stop thinking about you. Your smile your face your voice and the way you smell. You have such a good heart and a beautiful soul. And we connected that night i swear we did you cant tell me im the only one who felt it.

You understood me and felt my poems deep down like it hit home. You didnt just listen to the words you listened to the meaning behind them. No one ever done that. That means alot to me.

For you to tell me that you reapect me to much to just **** me and not have no string attach so its best we dont that right there says alot. All i heard that night was he just likes to **** and he wont pass ***** up for nothing but they were wrong. To tell me you think i have a beautiful mind soul and heart. Tells me you felt it too.

So i wanna thank you for the best night of my life. For listening for understanding me. For making me feel free and at peace. Thank you even if i never see you again and you dont remember me or that night lets be real you were pretty ****** up i want you to know i will remember. So thank you for giving me hope that there are still decent hearted men out there that i shouldnt give up. Now maybe thats what god was telling me

When will this nightmare of mine be over......

See no one knows
I hide it so good
Everyone thinks im just fine
Because im just that good
But really all i want to do
Is pull my hair out and scream
I had enough

When will this nightmare of mine be over...

No i cant take it no more
Time to let it out
Im tired of hiding it
Time to let it be known
**** these fake smile and laughs
I just want to fall to my knees and cry

When will this nightmarw of mine be over....

My world is so dark
My heart so cold
Im here alone
And im feeling really alone
My mind racing

When will this nightmare of mine be over...

Come save
Oh baby
Please save me
Im drowning in my own miserie

When will this nightmare of mine be over......

See no one knows
I hide it so good
Everyone thinks im just fine
Because im just that good
But really all i want to do
Is pull my hair out and scream
I had enough

When will this nightmare of mine be over...

No i cant take it no more
Time to let it out
Im tired of hiding it
Time to let it be known
**** these fake smile and laughs
I just want to fall to my knees and cry

When will this nightmarw of mine be over....

My world is so dark
My heart so cold
Im here alone
And im feeling really lonely now
My mind racing

When will this nightmare of mine be over...

Come save
Oh baby
Please save me
Im drowning in my own miserie

you will never love me.
you will never give me what i want.
you will never see me more then just a piece of ***.

i can not compare to your wife
i can not compare to your family
no matter what i will never have that with you.

at this moment im okay with it
at this moment thats what i want
at this moment what we have is enough
but for how long will it be okay
for how long will it be what i want
for how long will it be enough

it came from your month im not taking but my lady is
you get all of me but i only get a small part of you.
which is fine for now

as of right now you make me happy
you make me smile
the lil time we spend together is the high light of my day
i appreciate everything you try to do for me
i appreciate everything you are offering me

What do you do when you crying so hard that you can't breathe?
What do you do when you clinch you hands so hard that you feel every finger crack?
What do you do when all you want to do is scream and yell?
What do you do when you want to punch something?
What do you do when you are so angry that you want to throw things and break things?
What do you do when the pain you are feeling won't go away?
What do you do when you are trying so hard to keep it together?
But it just making you fall apart even more.
When the only person you know that can make all this go away is no where near you?
When the only person is so far away that he can't even tell that I'm falling apart I'm breaking I'm losing myself again
What do you do when you want it all to just stop?
What do you do when you are on your knees praying and begging god to just take you away?
What do you do when you are crying asking why?
What do you do when you don't even know what's causing it?
What do you do when there is no reason for this?

I fight my demons every day just to get out of bed. But some days they get to me so bad where I lose myself. Its not easy living with depression, anxiety etc.. Trust me I know but What do you when there is no reason for it? I never play the victim because i made my demons myself. For all the wrong things i have done and for caring way to much. I always give all of me but its never good enough. I dont ask for much. But i guess to some its too much. Some days i feel like the world will be better off with out me. Somedays i feel alone. But most days i feel emptiness and that is what kills me the most.

What do i do when everything is my fualt and i cant fix it?