When will this nightmare of mine be over......

See no one knows
I hide it so good
Everyone thinks im just fine
Because im just that good
But really all i want to do
Is pull my hair out and scream
I had enough

When will this nightmare of mine be over...

No i cant take it no more
Time to let it out
Im tired of hiding it
Time to let it be known
**** these fake smile and laughs
I just want to fall to my knees and cry

When will this nightmarw of mine be over....

My world is so dark
My heart so cold
Im here alone
And im feeling really alone
My mind racing

When will this nightmare of mine be over...

Come save
Oh baby
Please save me
Im drowning in my own miserie

Everyone says this is wrong.
Everyone says i shouldnt do this Because of the history you have with my mom.
Everyone says i am wrong for it
But if its wrong then why do it feel so right.
If its wrong then why do i not care that i have lost everything.
She's making me choice my niece or you...
How can i do such a thing?
With you im free.
With you im at peace.
You are helping me grow
You are helping me become a better me
The women i want to be.
In the past 3 months i have grown alot.
So how can i choose between the man who makes me happy and supports me in everything i do in life and my niece that i will **** for?
Im not i wont. She can not take this away from me
I need you more then ever right now.
Im trying so hard to stay strong and not lose it
Im trying so hard to be the bigger person here
My niece will understand
She will see how grandma is and sammi did not choose a guy over her just to make grandma happy
For once she will see that sammi chose herself
So im going to warn you im going to apologize now
Im going to get moody
Im going to shut down
Im going to hurt
But dont blame yourself
Dont take it to the heart
This is my choice
I just need you to be here for me
Tell me its okay and it will be okay
Tell me you are here
And you arent going any where

you will never love me.
you will never give me what i want.
you will never see me more then just a piece of ***.

i can not compare to your wife
i can not compare to your family
no matter what i will never have that with you.

at this moment im okay with it
at this moment thats what i want
at this moment what we have is enough
but for how long will it be okay
for how long will it be what i want
for how long will it be enough

it came from your month im not taking but my lady is
you get all of me but i only get a small part of you.
which is fine for now

as of right now you make me happy
you make me smile
the lil time we spend together is the high light of my day
i appreciate everything you try to do for me
i appreciate everything you are offering me

i dont know what this is with us.
im not sure where it will go.
i just know i love the way you make me feel.
i am happy
i am whole
i am everything i need to be because of you.
i spent a long time drowning and you taught me how to breathe again
you may not know this but you had saved me from myself and the idea that i am not worth nothing.
i had lost myself a long time ago
you are helping me bring me back
and all you are doing is being you
you walked into my life and my heart torn down my walls and lit my soul like it belongs to you
i may not get to see you as often as i like
i may not get to hold you although the night
but my heart wont let you go
i thought i had lost you with everything that happen
that thought torn me apart
i know it had only been a short peroid of time
and maybe im the only one who is feeling this way
i cant wait to see what is in store for us
you make me want to do better
some one you can be proud of.
i want to thank you for bringing this heart of mine back alive
i want to thank you for caring
and for ******* me good
for letting us have more then just *** between us
even if im not sure what it is
i want to thank you for being here
i know i can count on you

My heart is breaking. These tears are burning my cheeks.Because you never call me when you are sober...

So here i am laying in bed weighing out the pros and cons once again. All because you are telling me...

"Sam i love you...i always have...lets make it right...i havent loved anyone the way i love you...i never thought i could love you the way i do.. Baby i miss you lets be a family again...me you and our son... He was always a son to you...i shouldnt have let you go not once but twice... Im sorry please give us a chance again.."

Pros
1.You made me so happy
2.I love you
3.Never stopped
4.Im still crazy for you
5.Always felt right with you
6.Your smile melts my heart
7.Never had a bad moment with you
8.You cared so much about me
9.I never had to pretend to be happy
10.I think and dream of you
11.My past didnt bother me when i was with you.
12.You liked me for me (nothing more nothin less)
13.I found my sef

Cons
1.You hurt me not once but twice
2.You broken a promise that met the world to me
3.Its been over 4 freaking years.
4.You could destroy me again.
5.I lost myself

I was bout to give in. Then i looked in your eyes and all the pain came back to me. Because i know you are only saying it because you are drunk once again. Thats the only time you contact me....

So now my heart is breaking. These tears are burning my cheeks...Because you dont love me when you are sober...

Although i love you and i never stopped. I want to work it out. Things will never be the same with us. It hurts oh god do it hurts...

I want the sparkle in my eyes that everyone saw when i spoke of your name or your name lights up my phone back. I want the smile that came across my face when i saw you. I want the love that we had back. I want my best friend and the one i could count on back.

That will never happen.
Because you never call me when you are sober.

My heart is breaking. These tears are burning my cheeks. All because you cant call me , love me , or want me when you are sober.

Just tell me when you are sober

What do you do when you crying so hard that you can't breathe?
What do you do when you clinch you hands so hard that you feel every finger crack?
What do you do when all you want to do is scream and yell?
What do you do when you want to punch something?
What do you do when you are so angry that you want to throw things and break things?
What do you do when the pain you are feeling won't go away?
What do you do when you are trying so hard to keep it together?
But it just making you fall apart even more.
When the only person you know that can make all this go away is no where near you?
When the only person is so far away that he can't even tell that I'm falling apart I'm breaking I'm losing myself again
What do you do when you want it all to just stop?
What do you do when you are on your knees praying and begging god to just take you away?
What do you do when you are crying asking why?
What do you do when you don't even know what's causing it?
What do you do when there is no reason for this?

I fight my demons every day just to get out of bed. But some days they get to me so bad where I lose myself. Its not easy living with depression, anxiety etc.. Trust me I know but What do you when there is no reason for it? I never play the victim because i made my demons myself. For all the wrong things i have done and for caring way to much. I always give all of me but its never good enough. I dont ask for much. But i guess to some its too much. Some days i feel like the world will be better off with out me. Somedays i feel alone. But most days i feel emptiness and that is what kills me the most.

What do i do when everything is my fualt and i cant fix it?

I hope you remember this day because I know I will.

Where were you when I said I loved you?
Where were you when I cried all those night?
Where were you for the past year?
Where were you when I couldn't sleep because you had disappeared out my life?

Had me thinking I did something wrong.
Had me thinking you were dead.
All I had to hold on to was all the times we had shared.
All the times you had me smiling with no care in the world.
See you may not remember a lot.
While I wish i didn't remember.

I remember every time you broke my heart.
I remember every time you came back and fixed my heart.
I remember every little thing.
But you will remember
The day I gave up loving you.
This heart of mine couldn't take no more of you.
I was so hurt and confused this  last time around.

I didnt want to eat.
I didn't want to sleep.
I didn't want to get out of bed.
I didn't want to live.

You're going to remember this day as I walk out.
You're going to remember this day I scream I hate you.
Some how deep inside I'm still loving you.
No one knew all the pain I went through.
All the love I had deep in my heart for you.

Didn't know what to do.
Didn't know what to say.
Didn't know who to turn to.
Didn't know who to cry to.
Didn't know if I could love again.
But you made me do this.
Plus my heart kept telling me so.
When you was that person to me.


  
You're going to remember this day as I walk out.
You're going to remember this day I scream I hate you.

I HATE YOU