Samia: Poems

230 · Jul 2018

The End

Samia Jul 2018

The End

I’ve been asked when and how
Do I think I’m going to die
I told them probably in my thirties
When I have no one to talk to
I’ll be talking to myself instead
And the mirrors on the walls
Will get bored of me crying
Infront of them all time long

Insanity will take control
The sadness will **** me
The pain will be the paint on the walls
The loneliness will shatter my soul
The voices will be more and more
The darkness will spread everywhere
The thoughts will re-play the sad melody
And I’ll be back to my old habits again

I won’t be able to write anymore
No matter how much I do
The ink will fade
And the words will be meaningless and fake
No matter how much I read
The words will empty and unreal /unsafe
No words would describe how I feel in that case

The world will be lost
I will drown once more in my painful reality
That I bewildered between it and my dreams
And one more time nobody will be here to
Save me from my darkest dreams

I’ll probably have everything when I’m in that age
But two things I won’t be able to have
Love and happiness
Love will be forever in another place
Where all the people who deserve it live
Happiness will be here but hiding behind
The sadness I can’t defeat

So I will take my pills, twenty of each
Mix them with alcohol
It will be probably midnight
To see the moon shine one more time
And how the stars shine up the dark sky
Or maybe it will be 5:30 or 6:00
To see the sunrise one more time

145 · May 2018

Doubling

Samia May 2018

Doubling

Black eyes
Just another
One and
I'll be
Alright
They told
Me I'll
Forget
They told
Me it'll
Help
But it
Never did
Just doubling
It maybe
I will
See some
Affect
And that's
What it
Did, it
Made me
Look like
I came
From hell
But I
Didn't
Care
All I
Wanted is
To forget
But I
Never did
Doubling it
The last
Time
Everything
Went blur
And white
I swear
I didn't
Mean to
**** myself
I just
Wanted
To
Forget.

123 · May 2018

Who I am

Samia May 2018

Who I am

It's who I'm, not just a phase
I like both of them it's not the case
I told people,
I like girls too
They looked at me

Disgusted by what I said
Go to church and pray
They advised me, wow
I became sinful cause I'm different
I became sick too

I'd rather die being myself
Than die straight
Be who you are, society said
Yet, they judge us
In every little thing, oh

Be yourself
But be straight
I like boys and girls
How not to?
I've been called names but who cares?

I asked a girl to go on a date
I wasn't gay enough she said, ouch
She broke my heart

On a date I went
He was gentleman, handsome guy
He understood
Let's have a ******* then,
Instead of cheating on me later he said

I like both so I'm a cheater
They won't accept me mum
It's not a phase and I'm not a cheater
I love as a normal human
I would marry who I love girl or guy

119 · Jun 2019

I said "NO"

Samia Jun 2019

I said "NO"

I said no but he continued anyways
He giggle every-time I said “stop”
I didn’t want to do it
I didn’t want to make out
But he didn’t care
He sat on me, held my hands
And kept kissing me
I wish I wasn’t drunk
Maybe then I could have defended myself
Maybe I wouldn’t blame myself
Leaves in my hair, my clothes were
Messy when I got home
I cried myself to sleep
I was in pain
But at that moment I was too numb
To feel
I was broken
But I’m sure he wasn’t
I can’t close my eyes
Without seeing his face
His smile, his happiness
When his hands were all over me
I said “NO”
So tell me
Is it worth the pain I feel?
One time when I said no
I said no but the room was dark
He covered my mouth
As I screamed my lungs out
There was a light at the end of that
Room, I really wished that god
Had send me death to just finally
Take my soul
But well, god had another plan for me
He made me live to feel the pain
He made me suicidal
But he’s god
So I can’t say * anyways
That time I was sober
But I couldn’t defend myself
Was it my fault or his?
He should have just stopped
When I said “NO”
Some people knew,
Some people didn’t
They called me crazy
When I shared my story with them
It’s not my fault that I was sexually
Harassed but I can’t do *
I’m only a woman who will be
Blamed for the clothes she wore
Or the signals she gave to them
I only wanted to defend myself
They hurt me
And I hurt myself
Even more
When I couldn’t defend
Myself

114 · Jul 2018

Abusive Love

Samia Jul 2018

Abusive Love

One slap, two slaps, three
It’s okay, it has been a bad day
He didn’t mean it
He loves me
One punch, two punches, three
Got a broken tooth and swollen nose
But he apologized and hugged me
He loves me
One hit, two hits, three
Blood covered the floor as I fall
I wanted to reach the door
I was so scared and
Wanted to leave
He doesn’t love me or does he?
One apology, two apologies, three
If I didn’t get back to him
He will **** me
He loves me, right?
One prayer, two prayers, three
I was ready for the day, he will **** me
The prayers never left my mouth
What can I do?
I was losing my mind over here
One lie, two lies, three
I love you baby, don’t leave me
I’ll change for you
Maybe it’s true this time
One scream, two screams, three
I just wanted someone to help me
Drowning in my blood
And my eyes were swollen
Just got hit again but I won’t leave the house
One kiss, two kisses, three
I woke up in the hospital as my mum kissed me
He told her I fell down the stairs, what a lie
She hugged me and told me
How much he was scared to lose me
One sentence, two sentences, three
I told her but she didn’t believe me
Where shall I go? What shall I do?
She should have believed me
One hug, two hugs, three
I was disgusted with every hug, he gave me
What have I done to myself?
Maybe all of that wouldn’t have happened if
I left from the beginning
One word, two words, three
Every word from my mum hurt me
I didn’t expect it
I didn’t see it coming
How can a mother not believe her daughter?
One idea, two ideas, three
I finally had the courage to leave
I ran away
Not psychologically okay now, but I will be
Don’t wait until it’s too late

114 · Feb 2019

Chaos

Samia Feb 2019

Chaos

Heroine
*******
I tried them
So I can forget
About my love
Or maybe my
Broken heart
Nevertheless I didn't
I even became worse
Than before
I lost myself
Only prayers can
Bring me back again
Drinks
Cigarettes
***
Everything seemed
Perfect and I sounded
Reckless but I only
Did that to forget how
Much it hurt
Him leaving me
Hanging there
Begging the shadows
On the walls not to leave
Me, like he did,
Alone
Careless
Stupid
*****
That's what I was called
When I was trying to
Move on and I really
Wish I did
In a world of lust
Everybody lost his
Ability to love
I shouldn't have lost
Myself
I shouldn't have loved
It's too late
But not that late
If I can end it all
Right now

104 · Feb 2019

Silence

Samia Feb 2019

Silence

Talk, scream
Just don’t let this
Silence **** me
I hate how quiet
It is around me
I hate it as much
As I hate myself
Nothing much I can
Do except giving up
You know?
Everything hurts
The air I’m breathing
Became really thin
It’s scary how much
I want this to end
Nobody’s is here
Except for my loneliness
I mean
But it doesn’t matter
Anymore as I’m
Killing myself anyway
I can feel the ink fading
And my heart is racing
This is it I see
My whole world is
Breaking down infront of me
And there’s nothing I can
Do about it except
Watching and see how it is
Going to end

95 · Jun 2019

My last night

Samia Jun 2019

My last night

My last night here
Oh my sweet pain,
Here you come again
On the sad melody
We danced the night away
Me and my loneliness
Shared a drink and
cheered for being
Inseparable all these years
I can't forget my thoughts
They were encouraging
Me all this time long
We shared pills together
They knew anyways that
I didn't want to live forever
My last goodbye
To my dad,
Who killed my soul
And didn't care that
I was so alone
He let me fall, fall
And fall
But this time
I won't get up
I can't
I hope you will be
Alright with everything
You did and thought that
It was right
I took as many pills as I can
Since then my soul wondered
And ran

94 · Feb 2019

No way out

Samia Feb 2019

No way out

Trapped in my own mind
The demons by my side
And there's no way out
Knock knock
Is anyone there?
Please I really want
Someone to help me
I'm holding the pills
And I can't fight the
Pain anymore
Drowning in the
Darkness even more
Every single light
Just disappeared
And here I'm ended
Alone once more
And crying on the
Kitchen floor
These pills aren't
Helping me in
Any way
Can I just ****
Myself without
Hesitation?
Once and for all
Oh god
I'm really tired
I just need a drink
And everything will
Be better again

92 · Feb 2019

Darkness

Samia Feb 2019

Darkness

Darkness speared everywhere
Terrified I became
It's different this time
I can feel
No one can save me
As it's already
Taking my soul away
Open the window
Please I don't want
To be alone
I don't want the light
But I want myself
Back I hope
Everything that happened
Is happening again
And I'm losing
My mind over here
Did I forget to
Take my pills?
Maybe that's why
I feel that way
Help me
I can't wake up
From this dream
This pain is so
Unbearable to be real
It was going okay
But suddenly turned to
A nightmare
Squeezing my eyes
As hard as I can
But still
Darkness is only
What I see

79 · Feb 2019

More and more

Samia Feb 2019

More and more

Drowning in this
Darkness more and
More, where is
My lover? Did
He disappear too?
Everything doesn't feel
Real, am I
Losing my mind?
Or maybe I
Drank more than
I should have
Antidepressants pills? Oh
I love that
But did they
Work? I totally
Forgot that they
Can't, the problem
Is me or
The demons that
Leave with me
In my mind
There is a
Black hole in
My mind and
It's eating me
Alive, there's no
Way out and
Everybody left, it
Is only me
And my loneliness
Alone here, sad
Isn't it baby?
Give a cigarette
And don't forget
The pills, I
Want to be
Happy, isn't that
What they are
For?

61 · Nov 2023

Never The Same

Samia Nov 2023

Never The Same

It will never be the same
I will never be the same
I can’t forget but
I wouldn’t be disappointed if you did
I still remember how it felt
The way you pushed me to bed
And forced yourself into me
I screamed but you quickly covered my mouth
Pushing yourself harder and rougher
Into me
No amount of alcohol
Can make me forget how it felt
Nor can it numb the pain
I said no but that somehow encouraged you
Even more
I ******* hated how it felt
I ******* hated myself
But you weren’t the last no not yet

The other one I thought he was my friend
I got drunk and I thought I was safe
Till he sat on my legs paralyzing me
And trying to touch me
I didn’t know what to do
I was so drunk to even take it serious
Who would have thought a friend
Would harm another so easily
I blacked out and when I opened my eyes
I found his face between my legs
The way he was touching me
I still blame myself for not screaming
Nor running
And I still blame myself for thinking he was
My friend

Alcohol became my best friend
As well as men touching me without my consent
No matter what I wore
No matter where I was
It’s like everyone knew I have daddy issues
It was like an invitation for them
It’s like I was so desperately craving
For any man’s touch
My father treated me worse, why would I
Expect them to be any different?

45 · May 8

The Voices

Samia May 8

The Voices

I’m soaked in gas
And the voices are waiting
For the flawless time
To burn me alive
They crave to set themselves loose
And I’m the only obstacle they have

I have at no time, met anyone
Who despises me as I do
And the voices I have inside me
I fought and fought a lot against them
But they don't lose
But I lost every time I tried
To escape
The alcohol was their fuel
To even fight more intense
It didn’t help me except for a little bit every time
I just had to drown myself in an alternative thing
To numb my pain
A thing that ruined me slowly
I might not loathed drinking
I wanted to drink more
Unconscious of the consequences
Till that night's darkness descended
And I went far away from my limits
I needed to end everything
I needed to end me
So I gathered all the pills
Drank all the liquor I can
I didn’t crave a single positive voice
To stop me
The horrible voices will constantly possess me
I just wanted them to stop
I wanted to set myself loose at that time
Not them, no
But I didn’t take a single pill
As I was saved

I was left in my own room
With smell of liquor
That might make anyone who comes
Near, puke
I was left for my emotions to eat me
For the voices to burn me
While laying in my bed,
Taking it all
Craving the thought
That I might have stopped them

That fight changed a lot in me
But didn’t stop them from giving me
All the despising they give me
I have no idea
How can someone despise himself like that
I ruined a lot of things I did
Only because of this despise
The shame might not do a thing at all now
But I will bleed out on papers
Till I can win
I shall not give them a pass
To win
It’s me or me

Everyone have their good or bad voices in their heads, the voices that give them advises or the voices that urge them to do something impulsive, these voices here represents only the negative ones, the ones that don't get out of our heads no matter how hard we try to get them out, or how much we use different ways of escaping.

— The End —