Can't I be the one you dream about,
and wake up empty and alone?
Like when you're already in your bed,
but all you want is to go home.
The one you want to call
every time you see a phone.

And maybe we can talk about the most vivid memory I carry from my childhood; My mother left the stove on too long unattended resulting in melted plastic in a ruined *** and toxic smoke that'd press heavier on our shoulders than we'd ever imagine and for years to come. But the stinging in my eyes and the burning in my throat remained unparalleled until I watched as you burned out in front of me and I was forced to swallow the caliginous reality *that you just wouldn't be around anymore.

Loving you is waiting up all night for the sun rise
but the clouds roll in at dawn
and it starts to rain as soon as I pull up to the beach.

I've always hated having long nails.
I let my nails grow
so I could scratch your back
when you wanted comfort.
Now that you're gone
I don't want to cut them anymore.
I don't know if that's because I want to use them
to claw into my own skin
and rip out the parts of me that crave you,
or because I'm hoping
that I still have parts of you
under my nails.

4/8/15
You're everywhere. Each place I visit falls under one of these categories.
1. We've been there together before.
2. I've been there without you but wished you were with me.
3. I will one day go there and when I do, I will want to tell you about it, but won't be able to.

6/8/15
Two months later.
I can't remember where I saw you in all of these places.
Even when I search for days, I can't find you anywhere now.

There is so much happening in my mind
that it's taken over my body
and I am involuntarily walking in circles.
My body must think that if it keeps moving,
it will eventually run into you.
And I haven't eaten in days,
because I can't find an appetite
for anything but the way you tasted.
Avoiding reality is ironically easier
when I'm awake for days
because I don't have to wake up
to the sharp reminder that you're gone over and over.
It's just a constant dull ache.

4/3/15 6:09am - Missing you is worse than finding out 3 weeks later than the rest of my family that my grandmother has cancer, because my father "forgot" to tell me.

4/4/15 12:37pm - Missing you is like the tv special I watched when I was 8. I won't ever forget those conjoined twins who's operation failed. Or how the one who survived always reached for the other.

4/5/15 12:43pm - My god, missing you is so much harder than I thought it would be and it's been just two days. I've had constant drugs and sunrises. I'm so empty.

4/6/15 2:07pm - Missing you is driving all night to watch the sunrise but being too busy collecting shells you might like on the beach to look up at the sky.

4/7/15 4:11pm - Missing you is wishing I had the guts to jump.

4/19/15 3:59pm - Missing you doesn't make sense anymore but it comes much more naturally then walking or speaking or breathing.

7/6/15 5:09pm - I miss you.

7/15/15 6:46pm - Missing you feels like being told that my mom is leaving my stepdad weeks after it's happened and wondering when she'll admit to leaving me.

8/19/15 12:23am - Every night it all comes down to missing you from the bottom of a bottle or the passenger seat of a strange boys car.

10/1/2015 8:37am - I don't know when I stopped missing you. I guess maybe it was when you ****** my best friend. Or my other best friend. Or my other best friend. Maybe it was when you fell for her. When someone who knew nothing about you, didn't do everything I did for you, who can't even commit to you, was suddenly better for you than I ever was.
I don't know when I stopped missing you, but I miss missing you this morning. I miss missing you.