They want you to be asleep when you drown.
Not to spare you the pain
which they could easily stop the cause of.
Not to make you peaceful
as they are the cause of this stress.

They wants you to be asleep when you drown
so you won't swim away,
so you won't try to stop him,
so you die quickly
causing no extra hassle to them.

Will you be asleep when you drown?

why can't it be 2 o'clock if I declare it to be so,
if I have no commitments or stressors
nothing of time importance to do
then why can't it be two

why can't I declare it to be 2 o'clock
if no one's impacted but me

why can't I declare it to be 2 o'clock
when war could be declared at five

why do I always have nightmares?
when darkness overtakes the sky
it envelopes my head as well
with fantasies of death and horror

whilst others dreams of daisies
in warm flowing fields,
of waves gently lapping
about the shore

why do I jump from sleep
when my nightmares pop
in a cinematic ******,
whilst others wave goodbye
to the bunnies and mice
as they drift towards walking,
ready for their day ahead

words fall out my mouth,
finding no ears to cling on to
they tumble to ground

climbing up from the dusty floor
where it had never been
until you boarded up the path

they scramble up your jeans
clinging to the rough surface
up towards your bright top

Infront of your eyes they rest
seen by no one as they hide in plain sight
your pupil too focused on the past

circling your head
they search hurriedly for an entrance
but it's too late
you jump into the deep end
and don't come up for air

I would stand on the playground
whilst we did make believe
they would be princesses, I would too
with a gender neutral name though
my favourite of which was Alex

I'd declare that my future child
would have a neutral name
the happiness in my grin would shine
knowing I'd let my child be themselves

In silence I would wish I'd named myself,
as I didn't resonate with my own.

I wonder how different things would of gone
had I been taught what non binary was
had I knew it was an option.
I don't think I would of hated myself
despised my body or resented my parents

I don't think I would have felt the need
to criticise my skin
to eventually harm it
to change it because I deserved it,
I was not who I was supposed to be.

my brain holds my tears hostage
my emotions huddled all together
in a pile at the back of my mind
logic refuses to negotiate
not letting a deal be found
for it knows if I get caught
with red eyes and puffy cheeks
I'll have to answer to the cops
that watch TV downstair

I'm alone now
not only in my room

isolated by my 'friends'
with no one to discuss with

so I sit on my phone
writing to no one