I could choose anyone else in this world,
But I chose you.
And I will choose you every time.

It's one a.m and I can't sleep,
All because thoughts of you are engulfing me.
Another sleepless night,
Seems like I won't sleep until things are right.

But you see, she's not just any lass That's the thing that terrifies me, she wasn't just any lass yesterday, and surely she won't be just any lass tomorrow. She is not just a lass. Because no other lass can affect me the way she does when she smiles, or when she speaks.

He sits at the table glares toward blank paper,
Sighs and glances to the empty trash bin.
No ideas, not in ages.
At least last time he had ideas to throw out.
Though back then, he had something to write about.
And back then, he still had a muse.

When he taught me how to dance,
It was never for any solo dancing,
So without a partner,
Fearful to dance by myself, scared of critics.

When she taught me how to love,
I was told often times it would be solo,
So I was left searching for a partner,
Fearful to never find love, scared of living alone.

Though, when I taught myself,
I told myself it was okay to be alone,
So searching for myself,
I said, eventually the time will come.

Tick
        Tock
Tick
        Tock
Tick...
Oh, how agonizing and stressful the clicks of a clock are.
Tick
       Tock
Tick
       Tock...
And oh, how the the conversation in the room around me are taxing.
Tick
      Tock
Tick...
The Smiles, the laughter
Tick
       Tock...
You tell me to wait, that everything will work out, there's nothing to blame.
Tick...
But baby, patience is a virtue I've never been able to claim.
Tock.

"Why does love ****?"

The thing is Love does not ****. Love is the best feeling that someone can experience throughout their life time. You know what *****? Rejection. Rejection in an emotion that will cause an ache in your bones and a sting to your heart. With all that pain, and all of those thoughts that are overwhelming you. Just know, it isn't love, it's pain... It's rejection

Everything lately makes me home sick,
The songs we played,
The places we layed,
The restaurants where we ate,
The locations I took you on our dates,
My shirt your wore,
The school and the halls we walked, where we met at the doors.
You are my home.
I'm so ******* home sick.

Please tell me where you are?
                         You're sitting right
                         beside me but, it's as if
                         You are galaxies away
                         From me.
Where are you?
                         I see you smile though I
                         Know it's no longer
                         Because of me.
Why did you leave?
                         Please come back.

I remember this time,
It's like last October.
A burst of happiness,
From performing for a play.
Then contemplating suicide,
On the Tuesday after.

She was hope, She was love.
Two things I had not believe existed for awhile.
Within those green eyes, I felt at home.
Though now you're leaving, hope is fading.
I'm lost and alone, and now I don't have a home.

Running, throughout my life I always loved to run.
When I was little and they told us we were running in gym I was always so happy.
I was always one of the fastest, it always made me happy.
I still love running,
But now it's a different person.
When I run, it isn't for fitness or joy..
Because I'm so numb, I'm just happy to feel the exhaustion, the pain.
Because for once. I can feel again

I claim to be a poet,
Yet I constantly stumble over, and stop and rethink my sentences.
At the end of my notes I have gotten into the habit of ending it with "I'm sorry, I've never been good with words".
Maybe I'm not a poet,
What poet isn't good with words?

He felt his grip slipping
He faded away into the sea of thoughts.
He never returned.
I don't know where he is, I haven't seen him since.
I miss him, but I'll never see him again.

Her eyes are like galaxies gorgeous, yet mysteries. They have held secrets that ever since I've laid my eyes on here. I've been intrigued to learn.

Daddy asked the doctor why I wouldn't speak. He asked if I was autistic. He said he didn't want a stupid child, he didn't know I could hear him, this was at three

Daddy always said his little girl would grow up and be happy, four.

Daddy said his little girl would get whatever she needed, five.

Daddy said he had someone over and that I didn't need anything at that moment, to just go to sleep, six.

Daddy and I didn't talk much this year, he was always passed out surrounded by beer cans when I got home from school, seven.

Daddy saw my trophy from performing arts, he threw it at the ground claimed Arts never make it, eight.

Daddy didn't feed me after this year. I began to have to feed myself, I got thinner, and thinner. Operating was hard, especially during the summer. School days were gone, I didn't get school lunch. I fainted often, hypoglycemia is a curse, nine.

Daddy yelled at me in the yard, I began shaking rapidly not knowing why I couldn't control my body. My neighbor called an ambulance to rush me to the hospital. The doctors said it was a seizure, he said I was faking. He yanked the iv out of my skin and made me get into the car, ten.

Dad told me that someone stole my birthday money this year. He grabbed his whiskey bottle and poured another glass and motioned for me to go to my room. I was too young to notice that money was feeding his habit, eleven.

I came home to dad with a trophy from our school play, I won best portrayal. He snatched the trophy, as I was walking away it smashed on the door frame beside me, twelve.

Dad popped the pills for my anxiety, things got worse. It was as if he wasn't there. He tugged on my long sleeve shirt and asked how I could always wear these, that I must always be hot, he had no clue, thirteen.

Dad fell asleep, I took his alcohol and threw it at the side of the house so it would bust. I didn't want another night with this, he saw, the next day I woke up. I was on the floor with a concussion, fourteen.

Father told me I didn't need anything, I was old enough to get a job, I should get one and stop being so whiney, fifteen.

Jason found out his baby girl didn't feel like he was a girl, even though he scolded me for not being a boy when I was younger. The next morning before Class began . I borrowed my friends make-up to cover a bruise. I told her it was only my clumsiness. She bought it. Sixteen.

Jason isn't a part of my life anymore, but he still haunts me to this day.. All the years have done damage. Now a boy sits on the edge of his bed fighting off demons from the insanity which you gave him. No one needs to deal with this at the age of seventeen.

You act as if you're so high and mighty. You're on top of the world, yet whenever you do something wrong your excuse is "I'm a Christian". I think you should know, your beliefs don't make you a good person, your behavior does. Don't hate me because I'm a different type of sin.

I hold out my hand and smile as the music plays.
Forgive me when I get off beat during our dance, for once it's not because I don't have my hearing aid, or that I'm clueless. It's that I can't hear the music over my heartbeat. For when I am with you, my heart beats louder than any drums I've ever played or heard.

July 16, 2013.
I crave that an individual could, and would care for me and love me, just like how I do for them and if it is possible that an individual could do this to such a beast, I just doubt it will ever happen.

July 16, 2014.
I just want to thank you, you always care for me. I have found a required love. You have shown me that I am on fact not a beast, turns out I was wrong. I'm sorry I doubted it. I love you

I looked down onto the paper before me.
Adjectives scrawled all across it.
Beast, worthless, idiotic, suicidal, freak, unorganized, unintelligent, try hard, spastic, boring, arrogant, obsessive.
This went on for ages, at least a hundred negative words against myself on it.
I looked down at the paper as a tear rolled down my face. I crossed out the adjectives. I smiled and flipped it over, and on the back I wrote a note.
"There are many things I can be describe as... Though, those are not adjectives I would use... But the best I could say? Healing."
I looked down toward the paper and smiled.

Everyday people ask each other, "How are you?"  When I am asked that question often I reply with "I'm okay". Though, often  not feeling okay. There are times when I don't even know what emotion I am feeling. Throughout a week I can go through every emotion one can think of because of all of the difficulties that life throws at me. Things are always how I wish them. It's hard to describe. Some days, I'm okay, but not okay. And I'm content with that. It's a part of being human

I went to write a poem to express my emotions towards her. I didn't want it too long. I glanced down at the paper as my hand scratched down a word..

"Until."

And that was it, that was the poem. It was so simple. One word, the beginning of a phrase I said to you as I help you one night.

"I'll love you until eternity itself ceases to exist."

All my life my favorite color has been red, whenever I bought a shirt I wanted red, same went with toys, even the food I consumed.
Though it is now tied with another color, and that color is green. Green is a color that is comforting to me, it warms my heart, and drives my ambition.
Did I mention green is the color of her eyes?

I say I hate my father
I claim I hate every detail about him
But maybe what I hate the most
Is that I still love him
I loved him when his fist hit my head
I'd probably even love him with his gun against my chest.

My father is the worst human being I've known
                                    In the history
Of my lifespan
                                   He's haunted me
But I have a fear
                               What if he's good and
What if the bad

             Is actually..
                   Me.

There's a man I loved, who never loved me back.
                   "You don't need a man to be      happy"
He wasn't just any man, I would have offered him the world. I loved him
                   "Fate didn't want it, you'll find a man to marry"
This man wasn't a lover, he was my father.
                   "It's okay."
How couldn't a father love his own son?
What did I do that was so wrong?

Perfection is an idea that cannot be obtained, for it does not exist.
Yet, flaws and mistakes do.
I have found that the people around me are too busy searching for the right person, rather than attempting to be the right person. People see these flaws, and mistakes, and often of times flee, or being to judge this individual. Though, are you any better? Take in my that you are not perfect, you have flaws also. And in these flaws there is beauty, these flaws allow us to be the individual that is unlike no other on this planet. So, accept them, in yourself, and in others.

If you ever at any moment begin to doubt any aspect of yourself, just take a moment to walk deep into any forest nearby. Look around and notice how the trees still stand tall even though they are given no recognition what so ever. Walk along side any stream, no matter what the side, The water still flows, though no one stops to praise it. Lay out and watch the stars late at night; they shine often without any acknowledgment. Humans can be  just the same. We are made out of many of the same same chemicals which make up these creations around us.  Never forget that you are beautiful and never forget your self worth.

He hadn't the slightest clue of who would leave or stay.
So he spent his days pushing them away.
Until he saw those gorgeous eyes, the girl who could break down the towering walls along his heart.
And soon because the muse for all of his art.

The time you have been granted shall pass no matter what
No matter how shall you occupy yor time.
You have the ability of
spend your days simply dreaming of the elements in which you crave to make up your life, or you can chase after your dreams, find your passion, and chase it.
The choice is all yours.

Last year, I overheard your conversation, I laughed at the idea.
Fate, how could one believe in such a concept?

Last year, I was in ear shot if her saying to him "I love you". I scoffed at the idea.
Love, a concept, and idea in which we do not actually fall in love with the individual, just the idea of the emotion. I wrote that I would never fall in love, that I was a beast

A year later, glance into her eyes and say "I love you" . I pull her into my arms, and smile.

I sit here and remember back to what my grandmother said "one day, you'll find happiness in the most unexpected way, it will always be there, you will just be too oblivious to notice" id question why and she said it was just fate.

After she passed away I snarled at the two ideals, they seemed about as real as the fairy tales I read. Then you walked into my life, I fell in love, now I question. What about fate? What is mine?

I've spent these last few months trying to write a song or a poem about you. They never seem to fit, or flow, and it is rare that I like one. Though I have come to a conclusion as to why I cannot construct a piece for you. Words cannot express the immese feelings I experience when I am in your presence.

16 years ago, you said hello to your little girl, you smiled, you seemed happy to have her in your life.

13 years ago, you began drinking heavier, leaving your little girl all alone to fend for herself. You had a smile which seemed fake, you were giving up.

3 years ago, she saw through your lies, she saw who you truly were, she saw through your facade, she began to lose how

6 months ago, you discovered all your daughter secrets, you threw her down, and said you wished she was dead, at the moment, she wished it too. She knew she was a monster.

Now, he sees that he wasn't the monster, that his father is. He sits talking to his counselor in the DFACS office, discussing his past. He talks about who truly was, and who he thought he was.

And in 3 weeks, the court date finally comes, you'll be forced say goodbye to your son, and he cannot wait.

I
           Have never really understood how human emotions, the human brain, the human heart, and the chemical imbalances in our bodies work. I didn't understand it as a kid, and to this day, I still don't, it

Wasn't
           Logical to me, how one day someone could mean the world to you, and the next day they've thrown you to the curb, and I'm just


Supposed
            To know how to fix everything, how to become the perfect human being. How to fit into there perfect little vision of how they imagine, how they dream you

To
            Be, when in reality... I'm  trying to alter myself for that one person. Trying to impress that one person so they don't think that I'm a failure. I find myself constantly fixing myself to their perfect illusion so I don't fail them, so they don't

Fall
           Out of love with me, I never notice how they were changing me. That they were changing multiple aspects about me. Yet, I noticed how I still didn't seem to fit

In
         That silly little illusion that their mind had sculpted of me. I then began to get aggravated and question what love is, what is it!? What is

Love
         I spent days, week, months, aggravated, ripping up notes I had written, pictures I had taken, turning over tables, so frustrated as to why any of the individual id fancied in my life couldn't fall in love

With
          Me, what was wrong with me? Why could I be loved. I spent hours trying to find this answer. I never seemed to find it, until someone came into my life,

You
            It was you who showed me I could indeed be loved, even with every dark side that is stitched into my chemical make up. I still ponder as to how someone as lovely as you could fall in love with me. Though, I won't doubt it. Like I said, you're different from the others in my life.

Our hands touched and I was breathless.
I thought my feelings could be suppressed.
Though, I thought wrong I glanced into your eyes.
And then again I am paralyzed.
You lean into give me a kiss.
This shouldn't happen, it won't happen, something's amiss.
Then my alarm began to sound.
Then the kiss amiss, the problem, I  found.

Good morning my dear, I'll see you tonight in my dreams.

I was asked how did I know my love was dead.
All i could simply conjure up, was that i was more in love with the memories in my head.
When you love the thoughts, more than him.
In that moment, I realized, my love for him was now a pseudonym.

I sit here and daydream, and realize their presence is nicotine.
Their hazel eyes act as a tranquilizer,
And i'm pretty sure their smile couldn't get any brighter.
I **** their touch,
I tend to crave it a little too much.

To kiss under the mistletoe,
Though I sit here alone and watch couples go to and fro.
I examine them and their smile,
I'm curious if I'll get that in awhile.
I have someone to kiss, yet I'm still alone.
I look down and let out a silent groan.
It seems as if it will forever be a wish,
For I don't even have an opportunity to miss.

The fact that death lurks after me frightens me.
I never noticed how easy it is to halt a pulse, how easy it is for a heart to stop.
Maybe I'm not even scared of death.
Maybe I'm scared of not living a memorable life.

Have you ever wanted something so bad, but know you were immensely unlikely to achieve it?
Some wish fame.
Some wish wealth.
Some wish talent.
I wish happiness.
All seem uncanny when you think about them.

I look out the window as we drive along,
My thoughts drift to you, and only you.
To the feelings that clash inside over you.
Like how...
I love everything about you.
I love those hazel eyes that glance back at me.
I love those hands that push me playfully.
I love those lips that grin back at me.
I love that personality that keeps me in awe

I loathe everything about you.
I loathe those eyes that glare intensely back.
I loathe those hands that hold another.
I loathe those lips that tempt me for just a kiss.
I loathe that personality that urges me to fall

Locked in a cold, prison they call the hospital.
The drapes of death creeping between the rooms.
The shaking, the crying, the immense pain.
No one to hold me, no one to protect me.
The fears the phobias of this life overtake me.
For if I close my eyes for just one second, I just might leave this world.

You never notice how fragile humans really are,
Until the strongest people you know go down,
Lying there inert infront of you in a hospital bed,
Your face red from crying,
The stress finally taking its toll on you.

I've never noticed how east it is to loose someone,
Looking at it all in the light.
I notice it all,
But please dont leave me mum,
Please don't leave me Ariel,
Please.
I need you two more than anything right now.

Why search for people with originality?
Why look for something in a person, when no two could be the same?
People try for normal.
Though in reality there is no such thing as normal.
When no two individuals are alike, how could there be such a thing?
Society tries to create normal.
Though how could they create something that can never exist?

Thoughts clawing at the seems.
Begging, crying to get out.
I wish to speak my mind to you.
These feelings slowly scratching their way, leaving me ready to shout.
When you are around it feels as if my heart was unfrozen.
Ready to speak it all though afraid I will only sound like scratched record on replay.
I don't know how to act, what to say or what to do.
I have these civil wars in my brain of what and what not to say.
I never figured that these feelings would have grown so immense.
I know that I have no chance.
Everything is jumbled when you are not around, though when you are; everything makes sense.
Right when I look into your eyes, even if it is only a glance.
At times I wonder if i'm not catching hints, do I take the right vibe?
I never ask my questions, so there in my mind they linger; answers unknown.
Sometimes I wonder if you are hiding something inside.
Unknowing of how you feel, I watch my tone.
I have no reason to give up, for none of us know what our future deems.

Those words you said last night,
Just those three little words,
I figured they aren't how I thought them.
They echo through my mind,
like screams in the night.
Did they mean how I took them,
Is there something you want to say?
You dismissed it so quickly.
Never again do I see us speaking of it in a near day.

I just want to say thank you.. to everyone in my life..
I was asked today why I am so thankful.
I know my life is not the best, and at times it gets rough.
It could be worse though, I shouldn't dwell on the bad today.
I have some people in my life that care, and that enough.

It is a barrier, stopping us from what we wish to come true.
Though isn't fear only way we make it.
I shouldn't have let fear overcome me.
Maybe if I hadn't of let it, I wouldn't be in the mess.