I am my mother's first born child.
The first child she ever carried.
I am my mother's first born child ,
Also bearer of  her past traumas,
I am my mother's first born child ,
I am her test and trial
I am my mother's first born child ,
Child who had to mature mentally before physical developments,
I am my mother's first born child,
Child who had to understand mother's love through pain


I held my siblings just as my mother
I loved and protected them.
But little do they know ,
I am also just the first born child,
I needed to be loved and  protected too.
But little do they know ,
I was born first to break the generational traumas .
Then set the path for my younger siblings ,
Put up with all family dramas.

Although I say my mother was once a little girl herself too.
This is her first time being a parent.
Still I am my mother's first born child,
The bearer of all her karmas .

New year , new start,
Nothing’s changed ,
Pretty much the same.
It’s vicious cycle ,
Repeats all over again.

Will I ever be fulfilled?
Is my time on earth ever gonna be fulfilled?
Will I be able to face death ?
What scares me the most is not my own death
But my beloved one’s faith .
Will I be able to accept my loved one’s death.
As I see myself growing old
So is my parents growing old in time.
Hits me with an epiphany
That time waits for none.
I can’t imagine what’s to come in next 50years
Guess I am just overthinking
But in 50years I will be 76
My parents won’t be here
My siblings will have families
And I will be old and delicate
At my bed just waiting for death

Then it gets me thinking my bond , my love
And my emotions are all just temporary.
Even if blood is thicker than water.
Nothing is forever.
We will be all gone n forgotten
Next 100years there will be no sign of existence of us.
How many great grandchildren are going to remember us?
So we should live for ourselves ?

As I sit here with my thoughts ,
I try to comprehend them.

I realize now , I loved you before I loved myself.
I guess I wasn't looking for a soulmate,
But looking for myself .
Looking for myself to give all the love.
I lacked growing up.

Yet there I go disappointing and bring agony to myself,
I fell in love with you completely , blindly and hopelessly.
There I wasted my love by loving you more than myself.
Ignoring all the red flags , never doubting the foolish faith
I couldn't see my self value but knew only to love you.

All I wanted was love and to be with one soul forever and beyond.
And sadly, your beliefs were different ,
you only loved money and materialistic value
Rather than loving my soul that I ripped off me
Just so we could be soulmates for eternity.
I was another secret for you and you were my another heartache.


I will be lying if I say I forgive you,
Because I can't.
But I am not lying when I say , I moved on and healed myself.
As time pass by and I sit here with my thoughts,
I realized I couldn't give you back the pain.
So I learned to let go, and wished you good luck,
I hope Karma does the rest.

Been holding on myself
And hating myself for a very long time.
Eventually, made peace with myself
Not knowing some things I cannot make peace with.
Things I did and do for love .
Stooped so low,
Dropped my self respect on the floor.
Those things I can't forgive myself for.
So when I let these words sink in
And accept it as a part of me ,
Would I be free and happy forever?
Would I finally really then love myself completely
Will my sins be forgiven and forgotten
For all I did was all for love.

We connected so strangely,
When it all started I had no clue.
Though the bad habit started through u.
He used your name, strange still then,
I had no clue.
like at the end of my big life lesson
I found you .

Lost and hurt ,
I only had rage and dark thoughts.
Where I felt dying would be better
better than to live like this.
I was lost and hurt.
I was h

For Darkness only blinds u ,
For in the dark , your own mind manipulates you ,
Make you hate you ,you will hate yourself
You may feel like you are stuck in time
Doing nothing but causing your own suffering
Not even knowing what's causing it,
But you play a role in your own sufferings
Been too long on my own
Been wronged once or twice
I loved the wrong person
So I  paid a heavy price
Lost my self respect and value
To a person who is full of despise

Big lesson ,Big time
I let my mind flow
Blamed myself more
I don't know how to explain but,
I lost myself long time ago
Now this time I forgive myself
For all the times I forgetting myself,
Letting myself into the darkness,
Even ******* hating myself,
Maybe it is all God's plan
Yet I bet God didn't even know that,
I could be so dumb
To love him more than I can.  
But I thank god for still looking out for me
I believe I got his help was in form of Destiny
I believe I had to had that Call
To save me from the dark very desperately
Now m finding the light
To Enlighten me
My thoughts do get twisted at times,
And I see my way with the light ,darkening
So I tell myself '' What's a fight without some struggles or a fight without putting up a fight''
This fight within myself
To find peace within  myself
To start loving myself
To start healing myself
I will heal
This time for eternity

I loved you so much
that it hurts
to think about it
I loved you so much
that I gave you all I got
I loved you so much
that m empty now
I got no love

I tried a lot of ways
to cut you out
even forgave you
And somehow I still can't forget About
How much I loved you
*******
I loved you so much
My love you was so true
it was only pure love
wanting to be with you
and to love you till my heart stopped
But m in my misery now
I forgot the joy of love
I loved you so much
that it still hurts
Even when I already
let go
let go of you from me
but I still pain
when I think of me

Cause I loved you like a fool
Only wanted to dream about you
I loved you that much
that there ain't no expression
to express it out
I just want you to come back and hug me
but I can't  scream out
I 've lost it and I am defeated
I can't feel my core
It's all sadness and pain
I can't feel love no more

I loved you
so much that
Now I don't know how to love anymore.

Sleeping 24/7
I will be sleeping
sleeping with my sleeping paralyzes
I am paralyzed
Mind so fresh
I was tryna analyze
couldn't move my body
My soul leaving my body
I feel it
tongue rolled up
Eyes red like the Devil
so sinister
My eyes turned white
looking all evil  
Slow-Mo I was tripping
my mind was creeping
with many thoughts on my mind
As I was going deeper
Reached the cold hand
And a dark hole
There I met my Grim Reaper
Asking me to leave her
As I waved her goodbye
I realized I was her
Looking dead at my one lifeless body .

i fell in love again,
love that i gave up on ,
thinking i was so done,
but he came along.
Sweet talks , cute smiles ,
far away so far away,
yet close to my heart,
i fell in love again .
he is the one ,
the one and only,
one soul ,
i decided to call my soulmate.

this may not be end of it ,
struggles will come and go,
but they say third time is the charm,
now he is my charm .
i fell in love again

Anixety


Nicotine in my nerves
Codeine on my mind
Maybe I wanna lose myself
Maybe I wanna lose me
Cuz living feels like anxiety

Fighting demons cuz it’s part of me
Maybe I am the demon m the part of it
My soul is tired of it
But if I die , I am ready to go n rest in peace
Yet I can’t help but think who’s gonna miss
This part of me

What is what
Far away from the truth.
Fake people faking this thing called LOVE,
Every one wants to be loved ,
Pay a little more money,
There you go , you can find love easily.
People  says''Money can't buy happiness''.
But eventually costing them their lives.
***** facts that '' Money is the key to everything'.
Our home earth ran by the rules of money
Why do you think there is a gap
Called poor and rich
So don't tell me ''Money can't buy happiness''.
Money is that power that controls our humanity

You exist to work for money.
You choose your career for money.
We are slaves for money
More money more power
You can create your own world
Start your own trend, live in the fantasy art
Less money , no power
Follow the trend and other's world
Live in their rule,for so they will pay you.
Eventually you live for money.
You need money till your last breathe
Not because you need it after life
But to peacefully do your funeral
And send you to after life.

Hopefully after life is freedom is the new power.
Where there won't be anyone dying of poverty .

First time for everything,
I was your first one and only
I was the little you
I had you in me
I was a part of you
Time flew by so fast
And now each other's enemy
Please tell me
Why have we grown so cold to each other?
You are my mother
Mother who brought me into this world
And now all you gotta do is growl ,calling me names
Loser,*****,failure, big mistake.
Now i feel like i am in a game ,
I can never win
Even if it cost my life
I can never win
I don't know what went wrong
But it feels like this is our curse
And so we have turned into
A living sin.
I wish i was the one you could lean on
When you are tired of fighting your fight

But right now all  i need is a light
This darkness is too dark and cold
I don't wanna live in here forever
Some nights i don't want to live forever.
Please don't hate me.
Even if this life we have a drifted apart.
I love you .

Your dearest daughter,

Take my hand
Even if its cold
Hug me
Even when i am broken
Smile for me
Even when i am in pain.
Live for me
Even if i don't

Because you are everything to me
Your presence is enough for me
To fight all the pain
Trust me i will protect you.
Even if they say  ''you are a disorder''
You are still a part of me,
The part feels like reality
Because reality in this world
Feels like a cursed hell fantasy.

So Dear Mr. Sleep paralysis ,
Don't be shy , let me see you in human figure.
One day if dreams do come true ,
Mr. Sleep paralysis let's get married
Let's grow old and be one soul
So as long as you keep accompany
I love you , Mr.Sleep paralysis.

Weird is normal
Normal is weird
What is normal?
When everything is fake
Everything is a pretend
Put on my best faces
Wipe that ugly tears
And let the best faces get the best of me,
Slowly it  takes over ,
Now that's my persona
It is taking over me.

Only if you would see the real me ,
Only if you could see my mind ideal fantasy ,
You would see the real nightmare,
Watch me smile while i jump off the cliff
I **** myself to feel alive
**** myself  in my mind
Killed myself a thousand times,
To wake up from this fantasy
Reality is the honesty,
That people don't accept.
Emptiness is the real deal
I don't know what to feel,
So don't try to see what's in my mind ,
There is no way out , you will never find.

I am scared of humans.
Even though i am the same kind.
Only if you could read their mind.
Just a little money makes them blind.
Forgets about what's wrong or right
Just for the money they will stab you for behind
Oh yes , humans are best at lying
They actually don't care about our planet dying
Materialistic trends has got them buying anything
That makes nothing good for the environment
Someday our greed will end all of us


I am scared of humans
Even though i am the same kind.
Only if you could read my mind.

Cold wind chills running down my spine.
I can't even see a straight line,
I don't know what's left of mine,
When you point finger at me yelling,'' I don't need creature of your kind''.
Your insults i don't mind ,
Yet it feels like a stab from behind
But even if i say i am fine,
It hurts deep inside,
Cause i know i am lying.
Sometimes i think if i was better at dying?

Since i am good at nothing,
I wanna do something,
To make you proud,
But before every new start
All you did was doubt
At me , my effort
And now yours and my definition of life ''Differs''
So i wish you would walk in my shoes
So i could walk on yours.

Is there no greed in Heaven?
Like the greed we have here on Earth.
Is there no lust in Heaven ?
Like the **** cases we have on Earth.
Is there no strength differences  in Heaven?
Like the gender inequality we have on Earth?
Is there no violence in Heaven?
Like the manslaughters we have on Earth?

Is there no sins in Heaven?
Or is there no Heaven?
Yet I do believe in God
Never seen God
But I put my faith into God.
If God lives in Heaven
And God created us
I believe we all are from Heaven.
So ,
Is there no sins in Heaven?

Nobody gives a ****
About what you do or say
Unless u are sick rich
Everybody gives a ****
When they miss paper ****
They will come running for it
Even if it means sinning for it

Nobody gives a ****
So why should i care
About what the ******* say
Cause i don't give a **** about nobody.

wide awake
but it feels like dream
am i sleeping,
but i feel everything
the places i am going
people i am talking to
tears i am weeping
laughs i am laughing
anger that i am venting
pain i am feeling
i feel  everything
yet it feels like a dream
dream that i can never break out from
cause everyday is the same

same but not the same
that same old happy picture frame
can't seem to get out of it
can't seem to forget about it
how happy times did exist .
guess  i lost myself trying to grow up
guess growing up means,
giving up on your old self.
the older you get ,
the bitter things tastes sweeter
cause it makes us feel better
to get through a day
that  feels  forever.

Dear Missing soul,

Where are you? Are you doing fine?
Do you still remember me ?
Are you still hurt?
Are you in peace?
now  I am here all alone
regretting ,missing your soul
i would go to hell and back ,
if that will bring you back.
Every prayers i pray
i pray for you to come back.
If you can't come to me,
well, wait for me
i am waiting for the time
i can run to you and let the tears of joy
flow , when we finally meet .
until then i will write letters .
Even if you don't reply
until then i will pray for you
Even if  you can't hear me
until then , wait for me
My dear missing soul.

If it hurts , I hope you are doing well
Keeping it together ,
If it hurts, I hope you are healing well
As time passes by,
If it hurts , I hope you are fighting with it
Every day with every strength left in you
If it hurts , I hope you don't give up
Don't give up yet , try harder instead
If it hurts ,  I hope you know well
That you are special.
If it hurts , I hope that you know
You can do anything no matter what hypocrites says.


If it hurts, I hope you give hope
To the people around you who's hurting too,
If it hurts , I want you to know that ,
I am hurting too.
If it hurts, it's okay.
Everyone is hurting too.

But if it hurts I hope this poetry
Comforts your pain and help you too.
If it hurts , Let's stay brave and help
To whom Its hurting too''

A loud noise constantly beating loud ,
it feels so close, so fast in my chest
making me uneasy, nauseous ,dizzy
Breathing in and out
just trying to sleep through the night.
Why is it so difficult to fall a sleep , to dream.
how do i put this in words , to describe how this feeling feels.
when they say '' Time heals''
i wonder what they mean
cause as time pass by ,
it hurts even better
cause i never did let go,
never did i let it know ,
never did i let it show ,
the way i feel.
concealed all in
as if i was trying to swallow a ball of fire
the fire that burned my feelings ,
leaving me empty and lost
not knowing what to feel
not knowing who i was
stupid little cold heart,
doesn't want to share feelings
no longer wants to  keep beating
poor little brain , trying to send a message to the cold heart
message '' don't give up yet''.
they won't survive without each other.
poor little  brain and stupid little cold heart,
one needs another to stay alive.
one giving up now ,would end both of them.
As the two fight to give up and to hold on .
i feel disconnected
disconnected from this world
everything feels nothing.

It's a beautiful love
But still people get so greedy for love
they lust for it
Until they lost all of it
then guilt creeps in for losing it
you don't know you greedy until
you guilty for not having it
It will be too late
when you start saving it
you want the love to survive
but it's too late to do that
so just let it go
and mourn of it
and move on
learn from it
It's a beautiful love

If it had no numbers on it.
It is just a paper.
If it had no color on it
It is   just  a paper.
That paper which controls everything in this world
That is how the world works.
Get a degree to get a high paid work.
No matter what we learn
At the end of the day we will still be concern
about how much paper we make,
Even wearing the best smile ,call that fake,
How much can you take?
Nothing is for free,
when i say''Money buys everything''
Some of you may disagree.
Only the nature is for free,
''Money power is our new civilization''
that is how its suppose to be?
Maybe?
Look around , money buys everything,
Even the happiness
Do you disagree?

Then tell me what is happiness ?
would you be happy if you earned less?
NO, i guess.
It is strange to think
How money decides your life status,
Upper class, Middle class, lower class.
When we all die , we are buried under the same line.
Everything is same , even the sky and the sunshine.
Maybe all money cannot buy is the nature.
Cared less for about it , we started cutting trees
for papers.
''Money ''.....

Do you feel life you need to change?
Change who you are for a person.
A person who doesn't care how much they mean to you.
Thousand times precious to you .
And a million times loved by you.
It's tough .
Would you go against what's written in your faith?
Breaking all the rules and relations?
Where at last you would gain nothing,
but just some painful memories .
Leaving you numb,
Yet i would still say this
'' When nothing feels right just remember i am always there by our side''.
Even when i know i can't help you.
But saying these words might make you believe that its not over yet.
If i am going through difficult times then ,
i would still  close my eyes and say '' i love you''.
Remember me.

One day, I wake up feeling so unconscious,
  As if my soul was taken away,
I look into the mirror,
And the image smiled back,
I freaked out stepped back,
Who is that smiling?
Even the smile looked as if its hiding lies,
Look into the eyes, I see myself.
What have I become?
I became my own enemy,
I hit the mirror, tell myself ''this isn't real'',
And  broke down in tears.


Gave my everything without knowing,
That I was left with nothing.
Held onto the cold love,
I don’t know love anymore,
Left shallow and in dark,
My happy ending slowly fades its color,
Eventually, everything turns melancholic,
Suddenly my nerves turn alcoholic,
The only way to feel it real ,
was to wear a fake smile and conceal.

Got caught up in many *****,
Now ***** are hard to deal,
So, every time I look at myself,
I laugh so loud that it sounds like a cry.
A cry for help.
I wish I never got stuck in that winter love.
Because I am stuck alone in this cold
Trying to find that same old winter love,
That same old winter love,
Which I thought was my very happy ending.

You say you are really sorry,  Are you ?
You say you loved me truly , Did you?
All those promises you made and all the those times we shared
Was it all meaningless to you?
Everything i ever did was only loved you
Call it ''love sick''  ,
cause you are the disease and i am the patient.
killing me slowly like a  cancer,  
how do i cure this ,
i am still searching for an answer
I wish i never looked into your eyes ,
Those eyes i fell in love with.
Because now i look at them
and all i see  is lie .

Time passes by,
so did we say our goodbyes .
you look dead ,
what have we done to ourselves?
so shallow ,so numb
Looks like we  don't care anymore.
Looks like we won't cry anymore.
Looks like we can move on, even with our heart sore.
Looks like our love has died.
Looking at each other felt like live less souls
desperately trying to break free .
Hoping either one will try to break free
Still hold hands with a cold souls,
What have we done to our love?

And when you say''i love you''
Somewhere deep inside ,a desperate  soul says,
'' I hope it was true''.