Growing up I was always told to pretend
To make-believe I was a princess
A mother
A warrior
Whoever I wanted to be
With a little imagination and some time spent outside
Could be real,
But who was I really fooling?
Not myself
After turning the pool into a beautiful dress
After putting my "babies" to bed
After slaying the evil swing set
I was still me
Maybe that's why I got bored
started trying to make others believe my stories
Not worried about what I thought
More how much others did
I can control the radio
I can make it so you can't move
I can levitate
I can read your mind
I am a famous singer
I lied to you about all of this because if you believe it
you might be able to make it
true
Lies
that's all they were
I wanted them to be true
Tried to make them true
They never were
They never will be
Lies
Memories
Pretending it doesn't hurt
Pretending It does
Never knowing who I was
still searching for who I am
I am NO princess
I am NO mother
but I can fight
I wage wars with myself
battle scars taking residence in my heart
I wasn't lying
I was pretending
Pretending to be okay
Pretending I believed
Just like you pretend you care
About me
About what happens to me
If i were to die now you would be at my funeral because it looks right
If i die in ten years you wouldn't show up
Pretending you care or
Lying about caring
pretending
Lying
if it's the same for me it's the same for me it's the same for you
maybe if you
spend a life hiding wounds
spend a day in my shoes
spend a night in my dreams
you'll see why pretending i'm okay
pretending i believe
pretending i'm a princess
a mother
A warrior
None of it works
Nothing ever did
nothing ever will
pretending to be someone i'm not
I'm not you,
I pretended to be
I imagined a world where I could make-believe to believe and have it be true
When I slayed the swing set
I killed myself

ohh where to start… i know, You sir are an *******
You were there then you weren't
leaving when i needed you most
making me grow up so fast,
at a young age, you taught me what disappointment was when you would call saying you would visit in a half hour and never showed up…
when you chose yourself over me..
you next bottle of beer over me…
HOW WORTHLESS AM I?
still I give you a second chance and invite you to one of the most important days of my life…
you showed up late
so late you missed my performance…
got hauled out of the place by the cops because you were so drunk you fell on one of them
HOW WORTHLESS AM I?
you can't even put the bottle down for one day
birthdays, Christmases, my first date, my first boyfriend, my first kiss, the week i spent crying over that guy.. with hair or something
Dances, partys.
I bet you can't tell me my best friends name?
any of my friends?
MY favorite color?
That boy I likes name?
MY AGE?
you will miss my graduation….
My brother walking me down the aisle at my wedding
you're grandkids
all because you are to selfish to se what it does to me, what it will do to them.
DOES IT MEAN THAT MUCH TO YOU?
AM I THAT WORTHLESS?
you already did this to one kid
left him 16 years ago without another thought
I talk to him sometimes, he tells me he wishes you had stuck around longer like you did with me.
I tell him I wish you had just left…
i wouldn't have had to hope
I wouldn't have had to wait
I wouldn't have had to grow up
I wouldn't have had to cry
I wouldn't have had you
I would have had the gift of not knowing what I'm not missing out on
so yes YOU ARE THAT WORTHLESS to me

You are not allowed to like me
I'm afraid of what it will do to me
I can't let you get close to me
I'm afraid of how you will hurt me
I've caged my self up for a year,
not letting anyone have the key
my padlocked heart never beating
just a fist pounding against the wall,
mimicking my missing emotions
awaiting the realization from those around me that the key to my heart is not in my pants,
and THOSE need a key as well
the key to my heart is in my mind,
if you can fool me into believing you like me, you get my heart,
if you can fool my heart into believing you love me,
you get my mind.
so maybe i am a foolish person
the walls of the cage my only comfort,
cold metal my closest friend,
the slightest movement and it caresses my skin
the words I speak bouncing off of impenetrable walls
sinking in to my skin, my veins
slowing the blood flow to my emotionless heart
compressed, depressed, soulless and asleep
You are not allowed to like me
There is no reason to
The words i speak sharpened to daggers, in the hopes of removing your flesh, freeing your blood to the floor mine has stained  
My skin a canvas for the art of pain, my emotions wounding me,
My scalp the hidden salvation for my nails, leaving holes as claw away the thoughts of a happiness I am afraid of having
Blood and tears the last memory of happiness
blood and tears the ocean i drown myself in
Blood and tears washing away my fearlessness
blood and tears the ocean i drown myself in
Blood and tears washing away my fearlessness
Blood and tears
scabbing together what is left of me
You are not allowed to like me
I'm afraid of myself
I can't let you get close to me
I break too easy
I'm fragile
The walls of the cage my only comfort
they hold me

fear sinks in and I start to smile
its cold embrace more familiar than my own skin
my trust in it unbreakable,
it knows my thoughts,
IS my thoughts,
not all of them,
just the ones about you
afraid of admitting the truth,
that I spend everyday lying to myself because I'm afraid of the pain of the truth
The truth that when you say that maybe you like me I scream at myself for loving you
for letting myself FEEL something
emotions a the blade I use to sever my heart
not knowing how sharp
but the second those emotions build up
an old friend comes by to remind me to lie
lie to my self
I have no feelings
I can't let my self love you
it's not real
I can't let it be
you only like me because you gave up on everyone else
that has to be it
how long before you give up on me?
you gave her four months
you'll only give me three
If I continue to push as hard as I am
to keep you out
To keep my sanity
it falters at every turn
every time your name drips from the lips of my best friend
It's childish, I know, to think every time that I had you first
you should be mine
because if you're not you've been stolen
you pour from her and the rain falls to me
A storm reminding me that if I had just kept you a secret she wouldn't have you
I would,
I run from the storm
hide beneath a blanket of fear
staying warm
safe
nothing can harm me hiding here
nothing to hurt me but myself
with the lies I tell myself just to stay away
yet I know that I love you
It makes me feel stupid
I love you
you might like me
the thought kills me but I can't let it go
I cling to it
but tell myself it isn't true
if you don't love me
I can't let myself love you
Even if I know I do.

Sorry


I'm sorry to be the one to ask you this...
but ma,
can you UN-**** my father?
bring me "outta this world!" like the one night stand that brought me in.
or, well, what was supposed to be a one night stand.
which happened to turn into four years of his constant drunken stupor,
and then transformed into every other sunday for 5 years,
excluding the ones where he was too drunk to remember to show up of course,
I'm sorry to be the one to ask this,
but ma,
can you lower your expectations of me,
I'll never live up to them, or in my opinion live down to them.
That wasn't meant to be an insult, I just don't want to be you.
I don't want to spend my entire life stressed-out behind a desk,
And I don't want to know how to fix every problem but the ones that matter
because they matter,
I'm sorry to be the one to ask you this,
But life,
can you stop giving me good things,
I like being happy, doesn't everyone?
but I ruin everything good thing that I get,
it's like subconsciously I want to rip my own ******* throat out and serve it to myself on a platter,
Eat up… it'll **** ya!
I'm sorry to be the one to ask you this,
But is there a way to stitch a broken heart
put me back together,
wait I take that back,
don't,
I'll just get torn apart.
I'm sorry to be the one to ask you this
but me
can I put my throat back in for a sec
Give myself a chance at happiness for a change
stop stopping myself when I have a shot at something good
I'm sorry to be the one to ask you this
but life
I changed my mind
I want something good
Can I have that be on rushed delivery?
no
oh well i'd just ruin it anyway
I'm sorry to be the one to ask you this
but me
can you stop putting yourself down
no wonder you can do anything right
Can I do something right?
I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this,
but,
it's not that bad things happen to good people,
bad things happen to everyone,
it's just that your definition of a tragedy is not getting your hair straight enough,
not getting the new phone you want,
my tragedy is seeing that someone I care about is hurt,
I'm sorry to be the one to ask you this ,
but do you even care about me?
can't you see i'm hurt?
I'm sorry to be the one to ask you this,
but ,
can ya'll stop looking at me like i'm hurt,
It's not on the outside,
you won't be able to see it,
I'm sorry to be the one to ask you this,
But can I just hug you,
no not you,
sorry .
I'm sorry to be the one to ask you this,
but can you all just shut the **** up,
sometimes I want to listen to my thoughts,
or you know that scottish guy in my head,
he's pretty cool,
I'm sorry to be the one to ask you this,
but Scottish guy in my head,
Can you Shut the **** up,
I want to know what other people have to say,
I want to say what I have to say without being interrupted by myself,
I'm sorry to be the one to ask you this,
But me,
Can we stop contradicting myself,
uhm eh a wait,
Can I stop contradicting ourself,
uhm uh erm uhnn
You know what,
Can I just stick with a thought instead of fighting for both sides,
I'd be perfect for debate team, if it was a one person debate that is,
I'm sorry to be the one to ask you this
but
Can I stop fighting with myself?
can I have real feelings without telling myself they are fake?
I'm sorry to be the one to ask you this
but
are these feelings real?
I'm sorry to be the one to ask you this
but world
can you stop ******* me over
can you stop ******* me over
can you stop ******* me over
Can you stop?
I'm sorry

Poetry is my ping pong paddle support system,
there for me when I don't know how to get anyone else to be,
my fall net and my launch pad,
Poetry is my life map,
knows the roads I haven't traveled long before I find myself lost on them,
intergalactic space mumbo jumbo is my hands second language leading me to unknown points in myself I never dreamed I could find giving me the courage to take one more breath,
one more step,
keep going.
Poetry isn't always beautiful,
doesn't always make you happy,
but it does make you think,
we all need that

You heard the thoughts beating holes in my tattered heart over meaningless words spewing carelessly from my mouth.
Knew what I meant before the words had the courage to surface in my mind.
I gave you the insight on my life I couldn't even give my self,
from that you saw a light in my soul I had kept hidden from all those trying to reach it,
for a brief moment you had me convinced there was a way to expand it,
mold it, to what I expected of myself.
The spark you saw could be a flame, a fire.
the light went out when you took back everything you said.
My hope extinguished, gone from my soul.
A blackness inside myself replacing the light you brought and took.
my wasted time changing me in irreversible ways.
I realize now the worthlessness of it all,
of you,
of all the things I let myself believe for once could be true.
I'd left an exit sign over my heart like it's something you can just pass through, saving yourself from another lonely night.
Maybe I speak in metaphors afraid of falling from my lips just to plummet to the ears of those afraid to hear me.
I may no longer have that light inside myself, but unlike you I know where to find my flint.

I didn't grow up with broken bones
I grew up with broken hearts
Stemmed from broken homes
that had been built on broken starts
I believed love was a theory
or something you could chart
some how
you do not fit the patterns
Don't merge with other lines
Don't begin to fit the profile
for someone I should like
but,
maybe should just let it happen
let the chips fall where they may
Let myself fall in your arms
arms too far away
Everyday I question
how much those arms can hold
how far those arms can stretch
can they hold me above my past?
can they reach me?
I never broke a bone
I've had many broken hearts
Come from a broken home
built on a broken start
I taught myself love was a dream
A fairytale never meant to be
like a house built in a stream
It would drown eventually
That's always how it seemed
I'm kind of shocked I love you
I hate knowing how I feel
my solid bones don't matter
nor the casts around my heart
love is not a theory
it's very much an art

I Can't Believe I Can't Write A Decent Poem About You…
You Killed Me…
And Still .…
Nothing.…
Maybe It's Because No Matter How Much I Deny It I Still...
LOVE You.…
And I Hate Love Poems.…
Roses Are Red.…
Violets Are Blue.…
You Caused This Mess. …
I Mean It *******.…
Wait .…
No, .…
I Don't Mean It.…
I Just Hate How This Sounds.…
I Don't Want You Back…
Not Right Now...
I Just Want To Write A Poem About Hating You…
But …
I Don't Hate You…
I Just Don't Get It…
How Could You Be Right For Me And Me Be Wrong For You…
Is There Someone Just Like You Out There That I Need To Be Looking For? …
Or Was It You And I Just Tried Too Hard?…
Or Was I Wrong And You Weren't The Person I Thought You Were?…
Roses Are Stupid…
Violets Are Cliché …
I Wish I Could Hate You…
Oh …And, By The Way……
You Made It So I Couldn't Hate Anyone…
To Hate Someone They Have To Have Hurt You, Right?…
Well It Is Unfair To Hate Someone When You Hurt Me More Than Anyone Ever Could…
Yet I Still Love You…
I Shouldn't Though
You Don't Love Me Anymore
So, Why Every Time I Get Over You Do You Show Up In My Life Again?
The Roses Are Wilting…
The Violets Are Dead…
Yet There's Something About You…
That Won't Leave My Head…
Get Out!…
I Want To Hate You…
I Want To Loth You…
I Want To Stop Missing You…
I Want To Move On…
I Want To Fall In Love With Someone New…
And I Want To Stop Comparing …
Everyone …
To
You…

There's a cracked mirror on the wall
broken by carelessness
but kept around to use
Everyday I look in that mirror
I see myself for who I am
broken by the carelessness of the few I cared about
but kept around to use
Everyday that mirror looks at me
sees me for who I am
bits and pieces missing
handed out to strangers like candy to children on halloween
broken in ways that can never be repaired but still manages to do what it intended to do from the start
Everyday I walk away from that mirror with the same realization
I am the cracked reflection I have seen for years, growing closer to the mirror i've looked in every day
I have hung my self on a wall
Everyone who looks at me breaks
begins to reflect the only truth they can accept
There is a cracked mirror
Hiding in the reflection of others
Alone, Cracked, I hang on the wall

I haven't been hungry for weeks,
that's not to say I haven't eaten,
not to say I that I don't want to be.
you see sometimes hunger isn't about an empty stomach
sometimes you can be empty and still not have enough room for more
always wanting more that doesn't fit
like ending the last page of your notebook in the middle of a sentence,
after spending your last dime on a sandwich to fill the void in your digestive,
I can't afford to keep going.
I'm a unicycle with no one to ride me,
abandoned and awkward,
falling over alone.
but my empty can't be filled with food,
eating just makes me sick,
I do it anyway,
but it doesn't help.
My empty is permanent,
no one eats enough,
and I haven't been hungry in weeks

Sexualize me
Drip your sweet greed all over my unwanting flesh
Want me
Consume me without warrant
Without regard for the heart mercilessly beating in my chest
I’m not a person to you
Just a *** toy
Look at me and picture me clothed in the wonders of your body
Sexualize Me
Give my female body a real purpose
Let me be what you want,
no need for me to have say
Force me
Show a body I never asked for
Expect me to do anything you ask for
Say it’s all in the name of fun when I thought there were only three letters and two of them are F U
And no that doesn’t mean to sexualize me
I’m not here for you to look at
I’m not here for you to touch
I’m not here for you
Just because I have a body doesn’t mean it’s for the taking

Sometimes I wish I could order expressions the way you order drinks in a cheesy bar on main street of any city.
Hi, I'd like an appreciating smile,
I'd like a sympathetic nod,
A pessimistic stare-down,

Bottle affection and affliction,
Understanding and underestimation,
Love and lothing,
Pain and assumptions,
Longing and wisdom,
Serve mixed drinks of mixed feelings,
With dinners full of clarity,

Get people drunk on emotions and ideas
Make people feel.

Inhale 1-2
am I moving yet?
twisted,
misconfigured,
crossed wires,
short circuited communications from my brain to every part of my body,
aching to flee,
exhale 3-4
lying lifelessly,
limbs limp,
looking lethargically around hoping some way I can save myself,
Inhale

Don’t tell me this is a love poem
It’s a you poem
A you and me poem
my entire life intertwined in the keys I press
Fingers bent backwards over the words
under the pressure to do something right
pull back
crack fingers
shake them out
type
right clicking the right impressions
face mimicking the emoticons
I type
stop
read through
send
only allowing myself minute reactions
laughing. crying, smiling, sighing
all well replying that I love you
when you say it back chills run through my skin stopping at my waist where It feels like you would hold me,
I wanna ask you to hold me
your arms don’t stretch the distance
I know this but
Now all I’m wanting to ask is did you see that shooting star tonight?
were you dazzled by the same constellations?
Did you and Jupiter conspire to get me?
I think you and the moon and Neptune got it right..
and at night just as the sun starts to set I yell at the clouds asking why everything good seems to happen to me
but you’re so far away?
I wonder if you do it too but
don’t tell me this is a love poem when I can’t feel your heart beating?
but I know there is a map of your life etched into your skin
I have one too
I know there is a dimple in your smile
though I’ve never seen you smile
I hope I make you smile
you make me smile
I never used to smile
I just said smile six times
you see what you’ve done to me
I’ve almost worn the paint off the keys spelling love
by talking to you but the pattern’s still the same
I love you
I love you
I love you
I remember the stutter you typed one day
i-I love you
like you couldn’t say it
a forbidden emotion
still as real as anything else
the almost imperceptible catch in your voice the day you said it on the phone
but I heard it
I—love you
almost as if you were afraid I wouldn’t say it back
or I wouldn’t mean it when I said it back
I LOVE YOU TOO
but this is not a love poem,
it’s just you

Your arm
wrapped careless but cautiously over my shoulder, felt RIGHT to me,

My head
pressed softly into your chest hearing every beat of your heart, felt RIGHT to me,

Curling into one another so naturally in the back seat of the bus, FELT right to me,

Our tickle war
Which I totally won, felt right to ME,

Glancing into your eyes when I thought you weren't looking felt right to me,

when you caught me looking
Still so lost in them, that all I could say was hi, it felt RIGHT to me,

Your arms wrapped tightly around me felt RIGHT to me

Those kisses slow and gentle felt RIGHT to me,

Flirtatious smiles in the hallway,
Hugs when we could,
It took me two days to realize I was still lost in your eyes,
Though I had been scared to look in them,
I remembered the,
Soft brown squinted slightly,
Smiling without your mouth,
A mouth of etched stone,
Because my tickling you was "not fun for you"
Though you tickled back,
All felt as real as being thrown through a brick wall onto a bed of cotton candy,

Reality felt so good for once,
Proximity felt great for once,
Having you was amazing,
So when you say it’s the wrong time,
That there are hard things going in  your life, I get that
But I don’t see why that makes it any less right,
I want to be there for you like you were there for me the day we curled up in the back of the bus, when you made everything right

It became an addiction
with every one came another
another blood stain in my diary
Another pill to swallow to subdue the pain of the next,
another flame against my still raw flesh
racing myself toward the finish line of my own life
embossing my skin with a map of moments
Little pink scars
like the pink of the sunset
the pink in his eyes
I never liked pink or brown
but in his eyes they were perfect
But when that pink changed colour
Green when he's angry
Orange when he is someone he's not supposed to be
A burnt reminder that old habits don't die
Merely reborn as another
I used to burn myself,
The smell of burning flesh still puts me on edge
Relapse loses all meaning
Maybe it'll welcome me back like an old friend
That friend I never wanted
But still managed to have
Didn't notice I was slowly killing myself
poisoned stomach with diet pills
Losing ten pounds a week
75 pounds at 5 foot 2 and still fat
'You're petite that's a good thing' he told me
Swallowing handful after handful
A month of force feeding by my family and I realized he was wrong,
all it took was a heart break
it all started again
an new addiction
hand to scalp in my sleep
tearing out bits of hair
and you wonder why I cut it
a year later I began biting
bite by Bit by bit by bite taking myself away
Because once again there was too much
Always too much
But somehow I've never been enough for anyone else

Nothing more than glass walls,
Cast stones,
I never used the word until I was old enough to know better.
Home was like a lost four letter word I dropped at the door the day I moved out.
Left echoing in the halls of a building I merely grew up in.
Ditched the memories in the corners with the cat hair and dust.
Secrets screaming from my unmade bed.
I'm surprised you didn't realize I was leaving.
Home smelled like a fresh wound and a sea breeze.
Get to close and it might sting
I don't believe I could go back
Shaking bones from attacks on my self worth
Some days I wished I could crawl out of my own skin
get away from myself
Home felt like an empty heart still trying to beat,
We were just blood,
nothing more.
I still hear the echo of slammed doors on your breath,
Taste the fear of not having anywhere to go lingering in the over sterilized air,
Home is a four letter word inscribed on my gravestone
nothing more.

Death grip clasped faithfully together,
A portal from my lips to whoever it is that's listening
If anyone is listening,
Maybe help can come along and clasp itself around these hands,
still purple from holding on too tight,
the only relief in distant worlds,
maybe letting go is more about fingers than hearts,
mine seems to be stuck beating in a path to nowhere,
tracing the pale veined lines in my palm,
tinted nails clawing away tears,
leaving slashes of red on my cheek,
slightly browned knuckles seem to crack,
cracked eggs,
cracked skull,
don't think!
rivers of memories,
hands in a stream,
summer breeze,
catching fish with our bare palms,
can't let go,
pushed on a swing,
"don't push to hard or I might fall"
air rushing past me still waiting for the crash,
layers deep and peeling away,
palms skun raw
and I'm bleeding
crimson teardrops tracing the paths to nowhere

I wanted to write you one last time tonight,
Leave echos bouncing off the walls inside your skull,
I wanted to leave you with the ache for my arms I know too well,
I wanted to write you one last time tonight,
See how many times I could tell you I love you before the words were as meaningless to me as I am to you,
I wanted you to feel goosebumps too shy to rise above your skin,
I wanted to write you one last time tonight,
Though all I can say is I love you
I wish I didn't mean it,
I don't think I'll write you this late tonight,
Seems the last time can wait.

You asked me how my body felt, and I said congealed,
A little rotten,
A little broken down,
Apprehended by my own mistakes,
In a place I don't belong,
Stagnant,
You asked me how I felt about my body and I said
Mortified,
Physically dead,
Damaged,
Insufficient,
You started to say but, and I knew where you were going,
"But you're beautiful, but you're thin, but you're perfect, but I love you, but I just because the mirror shows me doesn't me I have to believe it"

No matter how many times I said no, he was still in my house,
no matter how many times I said stop, he was still stronger than me,
no matter how many times I screamed, the music still over powered me,
so I held still,
and no matter how many times I tell myself that giving in was the only way to get it over with, I still wish I had never invited him over.
I'm still afraid when I have to be alone in a room with someone,
I still panic when the person I love wants to be intimate,
I still sweat when I see him with my friends
We were friends.
I wouldn't even admit to myself that it was **** until almost a year later, I just knew I was afraid of him.
I want to warn my friends, but I'm still so scared, and
I wonder what would have happened with his hands around my throat if I hadn't been so still