Lying awake once more
Thoughts racing through my head
Quotes  
Memories
Pictures
Work in less than 6 hours
Still I cannot even close my eyes
That is where you are
Not you, but rather a cold and twisted imitation of you.
Where is the man that sang me to sleep?
Where is the one whose eyes always revealed his love for me?
Instead I see the pain...I see all the times that I was never good enough.
I see those that treated you like **** being chosen over me.
Where is my best friend?
Where are the pictures you deleted so quickly?
I wonder all of this as the wedding photo from our wedding cake sits perfectly on a shelf...
You told me that I loved the idea of you...but we both know that is not true. Never once did I stop loving you, all of you...but when did you love me?
Your eyes said it...your mouth too...but why was I discarded so easily?
Still, I would give anything to have you beside me now. My husband, my lover and always my best friend

Those words were beautiful
The most beautiful I had ever heard you sing
but they were not for me
The words for me were not shown to the world
The words that were, well
those words were not for me.
I miss that voice
I miss those words
even those that were not for me
My words come straight from my heart
They may not always be for you
but darlin' most of my words are meant for you
The words of love, of fear, of hope and of heartache
for you.
There are words for others and I mean them just as much...
but I share my words for you as they come
I share them because I care enough to let the world see them
can you say the same of your words for me?

I wish you could see how you make me feel. You seem to realize what you sound like, but you have no clue how it makes me feel. The fact that this is how you see me is insulting and hurts more than you could possibly understand. Every action and word out of my mouth is not a manipulation and the fact that you seem to think it is proves that you do not know me as well as I thought. I am ******* up and I do struggle with the urge to manipulate, but that does not mean that I am constantly manipulating others in everything I do. I fight that urge and when it comes to those I love, I usually win.  Whether it is acceptable to you or not, I do love you. No, not in the "I wanna be with you" sense.  I love you in the sense that no matter how much this crap kills me, I am willing to fight for you. I am willing to fight for this friendship. Do not expect me to be okay with this though. I will not give up on you, but I am hurt and I do not have the right words to make you understand. So I write here. You may see it someday, you may not. I am not attaching a name for a reason. It could be about you, or him, or even her. This is my release to strangers and the few friends I trust to read the stuff that I put up here. So be mad at me or annoyed at me if you must, but know that at the end of the day I did not and will not walk away. That should count for something.

I feel so alone
This bed is a desert wasteland
Constantly waiting
Watching myself as I fade away
Leaving is not the answer
While I want to run, scream, or die...
I know I will not.
I made promises, but none so binding as this
"May the Lord deal with me be it ever so severely if anything but death seperates you from me"
Let me check...
while it may feel like it,
I am not dead.
While you are hurting and losing grip,
your heart still beats strong.
Though I am not yet dead and you still live, you are asking me to leave.
Which is worse?
Do I break that solemn vow or listen helplessly as you tell me that my staying is breaking you apart?
Why is leaving this so much easier than continuing to fight for us?
How can I be alone in wanting our marriage to even make it to a year?
Who will be the father to the children that I am supposed to bring into this world?
Where am I even supposed to find the strength to keep this heart beating.
A year ago we had barely begun and now look at us...both barely breathing.
How did this happen?
I miss you and so now I lie here alone...with the light on...with the fan going...and the bedroom door wide open.
Please wake me from this nightmare as it is the worst I have ever had.