This is the first birthday in which I actually feel different. I feel more self aware. I am proud of my accomplishments and ready for what comes next in both my relationship and my career. I am out of my twenties. I am divorced. I do not own my own home. More than all of that, I am not a mother. That was the one thing that I was sure of. I never pictured myself having my first child even close to my late twenties and now here I am, thirty.
Hope has not run out.
I will be a mom.
Just not today.

My love

first love

first kiss

the memories are an insane combination of bitter and sweet

this is different

this is like nothing I have ever felt before.

You really love me.

take care of me in every way

kiss me in a way that allows me to feel your love for me.

I love you so much more than yesterday,

but I have a feeling I will love you even more tomorrow.

Our story began long ago,

tale as old as time.

This chapter is just beginning.

I know better than to expect perfection, but my darling...

I am beyond excited for this one.

Our first home together.

Tonight I watched a movie. There was a portion of a monologue of the main character towards the end hit me in a way that I needed more than I knew.

It is for that reason that I feel the need to share it with all of you. This is from the movie "Someone Great":

"I met you when everything was new and exciting,
and the possibilities of the world seemed

endless.

And they still are.

For you.

For me.

But not for us.

Somewhere between then and now, here and there–

I guess we didn’t just grow apart…

…we grew UP."

Upon hearing this I was reminded of the final end of my last relationship before my current one. My ex-husband and I decided to try again, we were long distance for about a year and a half. It was clear that neither of us was ready for a move (I had already moved down to Georgia and then moved back to Maryland while our divorce had been finalized). There was no end in sight to the long distance of it and somewhere in the midst of all of that I found myself accepting that our time was at an end. I ended it and while we are still close friends. Hearing this in the movie perfectly fit my feelings as I said goodbye to the relationship that I had believed was going to be the one that would end when one of us was no longer on this earth.

But it isn't perfect
It hurts like hell
It is what is necessary
He needs it this way
But it still hurts
Everything else hurts more though
So it is what it is
I feel safe.
Despite the lump in my throat...
I know that I am loved.
I don't want someone else
I don't want the touch of a stranger
I just want to be enough.
For once in my life

Every time
Every **** time.
Every time I start to breathe again
The floor falls out beneath me
I struggle to see straight
I struggle to breathe
I feel so small
I want to run
I want to disappear
But that isn't me
I don't get to do that.
So I pick myself up
I do what I do best
I grab a new mask
I go back to what I know
Every **** Time

The silence is the worst.
The open ended nature of the silence is chaotic
The chaos is a mixture of thoughts & fears.
Hearing something I do not like is better.
My mind is
Cruel
Loud
Unforgiving
So the silence is torture.
I torture myself enough already
Please end the silence

Well my productive Saturday has turned into one of those days where my depression is the bear. My head is pounding and I have only left my bed once today. This is what depression can look like sometimes. Internally screaming while physically incapable of simply getting out of bed for longer than a few minutes. Before anyone asks, I don't know "what is wrong". Yesterday I was on the road to recovery, today I lost the map.

A year ago I was planning my last Christmas as a single woman.
Now I am preparing for my last as a married woman.
So many tell me that I am strong, but I have never felt so weak.
It is almost humorous how this is all unfolding.
Even more, if these thoughts were to become reality.
Losing my sanity.
Realizing that if I notice someone is failing to help rescue me, I am really good at making them believe I will be fine.
That is one promise I can never truly make.
I picture my own death more than they all would be comfortable with.

As I lie awake in bed, flipping through old memories I find myself lost in thought. I wish we had taken more pictures. I wish I had danced with you. More than anything I wish I could feel your embrace. I would give anything to hear your laugh in person and just sit in your presence. I do not need you. You made sure I never would. You always did what was best over what I desired in the moment. You loved me best. I do not need you, but I do miss you. I miss you more than it would be right for me to say. I wish you well. I wish you joy and peace. I wish you adventures and captivating moments. I wish you were here.

He loved her once, he loves her still.
She loved him then and always will.
No acts of fate, no other parties.
Just a love that would stand against the test of time, the acts of man, and the foolish heart. They fell in love not out of a need or desperation but out of a darkness that neither could withhold from the other. Out of this darkness came poetry, long nights, and the beauty and wonder of a butterfly. In sharing their darkness, they found freedom and healing. In falling for each other, they found a love truer than each had ever known.
He was the best lover he could ever be to her. He helped her break from the chrysalis and become a butterfly. When her world burst into flames, he aided her to find the strength to rise from the ashes as a phoenix would.
He loved her once, he loves her still.
She loved him then and always will.

Lying awake once more
Thoughts racing through my head
Quotes  
Memories
Pictures
Work in less than 6 hours
Still I cannot even close my eyes
That is where you are
Not you, but rather a cold and twisted imitation of you.
Where is the man that sang me to sleep?
Where is the one whose eyes always revealed his love for me?
Instead I see the pain...I see all the times that I was never good enough.
I see those that treated you like **** being chosen over me.
Where is my best friend?
Where are the pictures you deleted so quickly?
I wonder all of this as the wedding photo from our wedding cake sits perfectly on a shelf...
You told me that I loved the idea of you...but we both know that is not true. Never once did I stop loving you, all of you...but when did you love me?
Your eyes said it...your mouth too...but why was I discarded so easily?
Still, I would give anything to have you beside me now. My husband, my lover and always my best friend

I feel so alone
This bed is a desert wasteland
Constantly waiting
Watching myself as I fade away
Leaving is not the answer
While I want to run, scream, or die...
I know I will not.
I made promises, but none so binding as this
"May the Lord deal with me be it ever so severely if anything but death seperates you from me"
Let me check...
while it may feel like it,
I am not dead.
While you are hurting and losing grip,
your heart still beats strong.
Though I am not yet dead and you still live, you are asking me to leave.
Which is worse?
Do I break that solemn vow or listen helplessly as you tell me that my staying is breaking you apart?
Why is leaving this so much easier than continuing to fight for us?
How can I be alone in wanting our marriage to even make it to a year?
Who will be the father to the children that I am supposed to bring into this world?
Where am I even supposed to find the strength to keep this heart beating.
A year ago we had barely begun and now look at us...both barely breathing.
How did this happen?
I miss you and so now I lie here alone...with the light on...with the fan going...and the bedroom door wide open.
Please wake me from this nightmare as it is the worst I have ever had.

Numb
Struggling to find words
Struggling to fight the way I need to
Afraid
What would I do
Where would I go
I feel like a failure
Now the one thing I was sure of is falling apart.
Christian. Failure.
Music. Failure.
Student. Failure.
Teacher. Failure.
Wife. Failure.
Mother...I guess now we will never know.

It was so long ago
...it feels like yesterday
I am getting married soon
...it still haunts me
I know it is irrational
...but the idea of it happening before was too
I need sleep
...I am afraid to close my eyes
The past is in the past
...the memories feel so real
I wish I could forget
I wish I could erase all of it
He loves me now...why the hell won't my mind just leave it at that
Drowning...every **** time I find myself drowning...
I am getting married
It will all be okay.
It was over two years ago...

The time has come for me to let go. I must close these chapters if I have hope of ever feeling whole again. I will never forget and I will always love, but the time has come. Leaving these chapters open will only haunt me. Time will not change a **** thing and I need to accept that. I find it strange that as I close these chapters, I am opening a chapter that I thought I had closed forever. Silence is painful though and hope is a dangerous thing. This old chapter has been reopened and added to over the past month. These chapters I am closing hold some of my most precious memories and I will carry them with me always. I just cannot keep rereading and waiting for more to be written. It won't. I have one more planned visit...after that I do not know when or if I will be back. If my presence is desired and it is made known to me, I will make every attempt, but it won't be and so I probably won't be either. My love is for always, as is my friendship.

I will never stop loving them.
I will always be here as a friend,
but tonight I am giving up on them.
Not even them really, just the idea of waiting.
I have waited long enough.
I am not locking the door, but I am closing it.
I am closing it and walking away.
If they ever choose to knock, I may answer.
To two of the greatest men I have ever loved...
I love you. Stay safe and be well.
To the third, only time will tell.

You should know...
that you are my hardest goodbye
you still see a side of me that no one else sees
to watch you struggle with everything you struggle with just breaks my heart
I want to make it better
not fixed because I know I don't have the power, but better
To see that look in your eyes just takes me back to a time where we found moments in which the whole world around us seemed to disappear.
We cannot find words that describe what we were. I truly believe that this is because no words exist to accurately encompass it all.
There are no words to fit this feeling.
All I know is that when we say our final goodbye til only God knows when, it will knock the air right out of me.
When you have no way of knowing the next time you will see someone you love so much, it is much like slowly cutting off pieces of your heart and trampling them.
I need you to be safe.
I need you to figure out what you need and chase after it with all you have.
Don't be afraid. Just keep moving.
Do me a favor? Can you do me a favor?
Smile.

There are no words to describe the feelings felt over the past twenty-four hours. Two years ago...twenty-four months ago...731 days ago...I tossed and I turned in a hospital bed. Only a few hours earlier I was one friend's decision away from ending it all. I could not think rationally. Would people miss me? Would it tear my family and friends apart? Yes. Of course it would. I know all of this, but in those moments I could not rationalize with any of it. All I could see were the waves crashing over me. Those same waves that bring me such comfort were dragging me down to the bottom and making it almost impossible to breathe. My world fell apart that night. I was failing all of my classes, I had the words of those that broke me echoing in my head, those words told me that I was worthless, unloved, a poor excuse for a human being and that the world would be a better place without me.

Then it happened, the one person I believed would never give up on me and would always be there to encourage me in my faith and talk me through these moments...well he just walked away. He stood by the person breaking me down the most. In that moment, I felt like that was the final sign that I really shouldn't be here. It shattered my world. I know why he did it. I understand it and I love him still, but it still hurt. It still broke me in ways that I do not have words for.

I almost took my own life, but the one that I least expected to comfort me did the unimaginable. He made a call that I know few would be able to make. He is like me and because I know that, I knew what the consequences he believed would be there would do to him. He did it anyway. It was not the cops, it was not the hospital, it was the love of a friend that pulled my head above the water.

It was a long two months after. The one that walked away came back into my life almost two months later and in ways it was like we never missed a beat.

Four years before any of this, I had a butterfly tattooed on my shoulder. So many reasons but none above the reminder that even the scariest of seasons and can bring forth the most beauty. Ironically this happened four years to the day before I found myself in the scariest season I have yet to experience.
I have seen love since then. I have known real smiles and even more heartache. I survived. Here I am six years after the tattoo and two years after the darkest night. I made it. I am here and while nights can still be so dark, tonight included...I am still alive. I am still breathing.

Two years since that morning.
Waking up to find that I had said goodbye
I said goodbye to a huge part of who I was.
It was not how I had intended it to be.
All that time spent holding onto it,
All of it withered away in one night.
One stupid drunken night
That night changed everything.
I have never regret the who
But the timing and everything else
That, I would change a thousand times over
This may feel like nothing, but for me it was a huge part of who I had always been.
22 years old
Single. Torn between two men I truly loved
This was not the way it was supposed to be.
Two years, yet it still feels like yesterday.

Forever young
and still, we don't wanna miss a thing
You were the first, but certainly not the last
I spent so long wishing to be enough
Even when I finally was, I still wasn't
I was comfortable. I am familiar.
I know that you love me, I know that is true
But love was never enough for me and you.
I wanted you to choose me, to fight for me
But you never did.
I love you and I always will
You were my friend, you are my friend still
Forever young.
Forever high school sweethearts.
No one can take that away from us.
Not even us.

I see your face
I hear your voice.
Memories come rushing back
Yet they couldn't feel further away.
I miss you every day
I have so much more to say
But the words just won't come out
Even now, you still take my breath away
Nothing romantic between us,
Just being able to put the masks down
You still see me. You still don't run
You still love me and I wonder how that could be.  
You actually did love me, for real.
The first that actually said the words like that
The moment you said it, I knew at once you meant it.
We will never have what I saw and I am okay with that
As long as I can hold onto the once in awhile chats and the memories of those long nights and poetry, I will be okay.  
I love you
I miss you
Be well.
Smile often
Laugh and sing without holding back.
You are still the most beautiful man I have ever known.

Don't say a word.
Don't contact any of them first.
Don't post. Don't speak.
Don't even think.
Too much damage
No love returned
Not really
They do not miss you
They never loved you
It was all a lie
Second place
No wonder I love silver more
I have never made it to Gold
I wouldn't know the difference
I was never a diamond
I was never the angel
Never first.
So don't.
Stop being pathetic
You are still the same girl
Still all of those things.
Walk away.
Keep walking.
Don't look back.

When asked to choose
When given ten-seconds to choose
I couldn't do it.
Why?
Maybe it is because the one that I would choose
The one that I would choose is happy
Maybe it is because of what it would mean
That would mean letting go of my best friend
It isn't a choice to make
Yes, I am in charge of my own life
But that doesn't mean I can make someone love me
I wouldn't want to if I could.
Love is not so much complicated as it is unpredictable
You do not know who you will fall in love with
You do not know who will love you back.
All that you do know is that you will love
and you will be loved
Having the one that you love love you back
That does not always happen
Even when it does, it does not mean that being together,
that being together is even an option.
It is not. It is not an option. It is not my choice.
There is no decision for me to make except,
except for whether or not I will wait for what may never happen.
I said goodbye to one, can I say goodbye to two more?

Here we go again
with the blank stares
You question my every decision
Since when is that your place?
Curiosity is one thing
but I am a grown woman
You do not live by the standards of those around you
So why do you expect me to live by yours?
I love you, but I am not you
I make my own decisions
I second guess my own decisions.
I do not need those around me questioning every single thing I do.
It hurts. It makes me doubt myself more.
I know that is never your intent, but this has also never been your place.
So, please
Stop with the dead stares.
Stop making me feel like I can do nothing right.
Stop making me feel like my decisions, even the small ones,
make me worthless.
I do that enough to myself.
You are my friend. Just love me. Accept me.
You do not have to agree with me, but please let me be me.

When it is all said and done, remember
Remember that this is what you wanted.
Second chances are few and far between
Three months from now, I will be leaving
You call me your best friend
You can share your insecurities and fears
But you cannot be honest with me?
I will hold on until God tells me no
But things will not be like this.
I cannot do this any longer.
I did it before.
Not again.

I spent way more time than I ever should have.
Why did I let myself hold onto you and what I thought we had for so long.
Am I doing that now? Will I someday look back and see this as the same?
What if the only one that ever really loved me is the one that actually has the one that is so much better for him?
Their love is undeniable, but he did love me. Out of the three, he is the only one that I know without any doubt truly loved me.

So again I ask, when will it be my turn? When will I have the man that I will marry and when will I have the children that I dream of so often?

I didn’t fit into his world. He was this awesome Jesus loving hippie and I was only a cheap imitation of whatever it was that I was pretending to be that week. He bore his soul the moment you handed him a guitar and all I ever did was complain and gossip about the latest drama in my life and in the lives of those around me. He made me want to be a better person. He reminded me of the amazing faith that I once had as a child. I wanted so desperately for him to see me as something better than I was. He was supportive, caring and more patient than I ever could have deserved. For whatever reason, God placed this man into my life and brought back a sense of peace into my life that I thought I had lost forever.

Sometimes I sit back and reflect on things both past and present.
I see moments that make me question everything
I look at pictures and painful memories sink in
I feel rejected and neglected, but then the sweet quiet voice speaks
The look in your eyes, the words that go unsaid, the smile that whispers
When I hear the voice that tells me to wait, that tells me to hold on
Those are the moments that matter
All of the bull that goes on in our lives is nothing in comparison
Until He says otherwise, I will wait.
I will wait and I will love you unconditionally.
You are my best friend and you always will be
I love you
Always.

Some people say that they love the fact that at the end of the day they can pass the children back off to their parents...I hate that part. I anxiously look forward to the possibility of a day when I do not have to hand over the child in my arms because that child is my own. I love my job and I love the children I work with, but I find myself near tears at times because I long for the day that it is my turn. When I can hold my own son or daughter, when the child crying 'Mama' is actually crying for me and when I can experience that connection between a mother and child with my own baby.

I gave up. Almost two months of praying and hoping that your name would flash across my screen. Almost two months of crying myself to sleep, truly believing you did not give a **** about me. So, I gave up. On the day of the wedding I hoped you would join me to celebrate, I gave up hope that you cared or would make any attempt to call me. I smiled the first real smiles in two months. I laughed and I cried tears of joy for my sweet friend on her wedding day. The next day I went to a graduation party and as I laughed and smiled with old friends, your picture was not being clutched tight to my heart. I found a way to be happy even if I did still love you and miss you more than words can say. You made a choice, you left me in silence even when silence was almost all that I would have left the world. No call, no text, no checking with a friend to make sure I was not falling apart. I was. I did. Then after two months, I gave up. I left my phone at home that day. For the first time in two months, I let the phone stay out of my reach completely. I did not get home til around 2am. There it was. "Ello, mate" and so we picked up where we left off. Except it wasn't. We left off at a series of kisses goodbye outside of your house after a night that changed me for good...so really, we picked up where we left off before we began. So a year ago held all of that...what does tomorrow hold?

Those words were beautiful
The most beautiful I had ever heard you sing
but they were not for me
The words for me were not shown to the world
The words that were, well
those words were not for me.
I miss that voice
I miss those words
even those that were not for me
My words come straight from my heart
They may not always be for you
but darlin' most of my words are meant for you
The words of love, of fear, of hope and of heartache
for you.
There are words for others and I mean them just as much...
but I share my words for you as they come
I share them because I care enough to let the world see them
can you say the same of your words for me?

I see the pictures
I hold this little one in my arms
So innocent and so precious
I look toward the future and to what may be my turn
What if it never comes?
Well, I have so many other little ones to watch over
So maybe it is not meant to be.
I know that pain would be involved
but holding one in my arms, I know it would be worth it.
Children are the greatest blessing in this world.
I look at this face, I count these fingers and toes
I love them, each of them and I will care for them
Just as if they were my own.
The miracle of birth is the greatest that I know of.
I only hope that someday I may experience it.

When I listen to the songs of this summer
in comparison to the songs from last summer
there really is not much of a difference.
The songs that got me through then
well the themes are all the same.
Loss and finding of self
Loss and finding of friend
I like to pretend that things got so much better
but I think we are just lying to ourselves.
It was a joke really, a stupid joke.
I can find happiness now, but not in where I had hoped.
I miss you, I do...but it never felt like you missed me.
I still feel the same, I still have hope
I just also have a better grip on reality
That reality is that nothing really changed for you
I need to accept that.

It was exactly one year ago.
I lost a part of me.
I lost a part of my identity.
It was not a best friend that I lost that night
It was not anyone else that I lost either.
It was me
I lost a part of me that can never be restored
Such a big part of me.
Gone.
In one night.
Other things and people were lost later.
The months that followed nearly broke me.
I made it through.
Yes, my heart still beats.
There is no denying this truth though...

Exactly a year ago tonight
I lost a part of me.

After all is said and done
After all the tears have been cried
Friendship still stands
Knowledge of likes, dislikes and true identities
They are all still there and just as real
Things are different now
Hugs no longer involve physical touch
Too much laughter and closeness must be followed by space
Still there, but not as much
You still show that you care, but only in the ways that you can
The ways that matter.
In ways, you were just as you claimed to be.
The best you could be to me.
I love you for who you are and all that you mean to me.
A friend. A good friend. One that truly sees me.
I am thankful for you friend.

I can feel the tears wanting to make an escape
My smile fades and reality hits
I hoped we were beyond this
We can talk and we can laugh like good friends

I know that it hurts
It hurts me just as much
but it hurts more to think of going back to being strangers
You mean more to me than almost anyone
You understand me
I can be myself when you are around.

I know it is selfish, but I want this friendship
I want to be able to laugh and be real with you
The past happened and we can't undo it.
Things are different now though

I refuse to be the source of your pain.
If you need space, I will give you space
If you need distance, I will give you that too
I won't let you see me cry
That wouldn't be fair to you
Just please don't say goodbye

It doesn't go away
Just because I am happy now
Even though I have so many reasons to smile
It still creeps in
The darkness that has become so familiar
It manages to find a way in
To bring me back a few steps
To tighten the grip around my throat
It laughs at the frustration and confusion
Why won't it go away?
Does it mean I am not really happy?
No. I am the happiest I have ever been
Things are the best that I can ever remember
I smile now. I really smile.
But still I am suffocated by this weight
This weight of depression and of anxiety
Pulling me in all directions
Making me feel like I am drowning
God, I ask You to save me
Pull me out from all of this mess
Help me to live for You
To remember that You are in control
That this depression and anxiety are not what define me.
You define me.
My true identity is in You.
I am a daughter of the King.
That is something that cannot be taken from me.
So I will smile. I will push forward.
I will not let this sickness take my life.

This time is different
I am happy
I am truly happy

This man makes me feel beautiful
I no longer have to put on a mask
I can just be myself for once

I feel like a child once again
I feel hope and I feel wonder
I can see the years ahead of us

I can live in the moment
My best friend's hand in mine
Smiles that do not fade

Those eyes looking at me
It is as if everything else ceases to exist
The world could crumble and I would not blink

He inspires me
I feel motivated to be the best that I can be
He makes me want to live life to the fullest

My spirit dances when he is by my side
When he prays with me, I can feel that God is near
When he prays for me, I feel so secure

He catches me every single time I fall
I tend to trip over my own two feet
Yet this man makes me feel like dancing

Kissing in the rain
Dancing by the river
Just holding each other as we watch the sunrise

This is love
This is true
This is real.

I wish you could see how you make me feel. You seem to realize what you sound like, but you have no clue how it makes me feel. The fact that this is how you see me is insulting and hurts more than you could possibly understand. Every action and word out of my mouth is not a manipulation and the fact that you seem to think it is proves that you do not know me as well as I thought. I am ******* up and I do struggle with the urge to manipulate, but that does not mean that I am constantly manipulating others in everything I do. I fight that urge and when it comes to those I love, I usually win.  Whether it is acceptable to you or not, I do love you. No, not in the "I wanna be with you" sense.  I love you in the sense that no matter how much this crap kills me, I am willing to fight for you. I am willing to fight for this friendship. Do not expect me to be okay with this though. I will not give up on you, but I am hurt and I do not have the right words to make you understand. So I write here. You may see it someday, you may not. I am not attaching a name for a reason. It could be about you, or him, or even her. This is my release to strangers and the few friends I trust to read the stuff that I put up here. So be mad at me or annoyed at me if you must, but know that at the end of the day I did not and will not walk away. That should count for something.

A brave move in a moment of strength.
No regret, but fear sinks in.
God please remove the fear and the doubt.
I know that I need to trust You.
So I am letting go.
While I pray that he can stay, I told him to go.
If walking away is Your plan for him,
it is my prayer that he listens.
If You tell him to keep going and never look back,
it is my prayer that he listens.
If You tell him to fight for this friendship
and all that it stands for,
I pray that we fight to make this friendship
be all that You want it to be.
And if You want him to take chances in this,
it is my prayer that he listens to You and You alone.
Lord, I know not what You will do, but only what I must.
So I am letting go.
Whatever may come to be, You always provide.
I trust You and I am letting go.
I know that You will watch over us both and keep us safe.

Some nights the pain is stronger.
Some sights hurt more to see
and some words hurt more to hear.
Seeing that one, hearing about the other one...
It all kinda makes me wish those senses would just quit.
I get it more than I would like to,
but that does not make it hurt any less.
Sometimes I wanna just pack up and leave.
I can't.
I promised I would always be here.
So here I will be.
Sometimes I wonder if the pain will ever fade.
Will the loneliness ever subside?
Will the tears stay away for more than a day?
Sometimes...
I just miss being loved.

It was only a year ago.
A beginning and an end in the blink of an eye.
I was a mess, but so were you.
I have been in love before,
but my heart has only ever beat that fast with you.
You make me so frustrated
and I know that I annoy you.
I realize that at the very least the timing was all wrong.
At the very most, we were all wrong together.
Some people dream of a love that drives them crazy,
We had (have) that and it took no time at all.
A tragedy is what this has become.
We both deserve better; we both desire better.
Yet still there are nights when you are on my mind.
Those nights I only want one thing,
I want to go back to the poetry and long nights.
Sometimes, I wonder if you ever want that too.
I wish that I could know what you see when you look at me now.
I love seeing you laugh again.
I want you to be happy and I want that laugh to live on.
That light in your eyes,
I pray it never fades.
The most beautiful man I have ever met.
So perfectly imperfect.
A crazy mess of thoughts, this may be.
How else would I describe us though?

There is always another
As soon as I start to find some sort of solid ground
It falls beneath me
Did it all mean nothing?
No, I know that is a lie.
or so you all have told me
Why am I not good enough?
Now I know what you would say
You would tell me that I am enough
but let's face it, I am not.
Not for him, not for you
Not even for the one that...
if I don't say the words, will they still be true?
Will it still hurt when he tells me the inevitable?
There is always another, and I am just a *****.

I am imperfect.
I make mistakes.
I am struggling to be perfect,
but just like you, I tend to fail
I am not okay.
You are perceptive enough to know that much
So why do you walk away
Why do you respond in anger
When what I say is not against you
In fact it has nothing to do with you
So why are you giving up on me
I am trying to get better.
I am trying to get to healthier state of mind.
I have a long way to go, but I know the steps.
I know myself better than you give me credit for.
I do not expect you to fix me, but as my friend,
I do expect you to stick around.
I expect you to have a little faith in me.
I need my friends more than ever
Not to fix me, but just to be there
I need to know I am not alone.
I need to know that the people do not always leave,
So, please
I ask you with all that I have
Don't give up on me.

I cannot breathe
Tears are falling
The razor is in my hand
I fight it, I fight it with all that I have
Why must it all come rushing back?
Memories that I share only with you
For them to come back now
Now when you can barely even look at me
It is not fair.
None of it was ever fair.
The words, they have never left my lips
No one, except for you and I
No one knows what happened that night.
No one knows the pain and the experience that followed
No one knows the memories that came flooding back for me.
Not even you.
No one will ever know what happened that night.
I shut off the water.
I dry off, dress, and walk out the door.
I pick up the mask and I put it back on.
Everything is fine.
I am fine.

Why do we hurt each other?
Is it because we are not thinking?
Is it because we are cruel?
Is it because we do not know how to get what we want without stepping on others?
Do we hurt each other to make up for the hurt that we feel?
Do we hurt each other because we do not see the right way to approach things?
Do we hurt each other because we are oblivious or because we simply do not care?
Will hurting others make us feel better?
Will hurting others take the pain away?
Will hurting others do anything other than hurt us in the end?
People care.
People love you.
People lie.
At the end of the day, people will always let you down.
At the end of the day, we will still be imperfect and let ourselves down.
At the end of the day, it will still hurt.

You, and only you, have seen the darkest side of me
The things I hate about myself
The things I struggle to keep in check
You feel how you feel though.
The fact that one of the things
One of the things I struggle to keep in check the most
Is the one thing that made you walk away
The one thing that you could not tolerate
I was careful with you, but I am who I am
I am a manipulator, a liar and a two-faced *****
It is okay, you can say it.
At the end of the day it is true whether you say it or not.
I catch myself as often as I can and aside from using perfume here and there
I was most careful to catch myself with you.
Because you matter
Because you are one of the few that I do not want to let down
The fact that you see it all as a loss
That you believe it was all manipulation
That fact makes me hate myself all the more
I wonder, what is the point?
Why do I fight to keep it in check at all, if it just seems like I am up to old tricks?
Because of people like you
Because of people that are worth fighting for
I cannot change the way you feel
I cannot fix the way things are perceived
My feelings were true
They are still true
I laid out my soul, raw and bare
I trusted you with it
You, out of everyone else
I let you see the darkest side of me

Nothing I could say
Nothing I could do
Still you love me.

Nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
I still love you.

Two months of silence.
Two wild cards to distract
Still we are more.

More than just friends
More than simply lovers
I still can see.

See the presence that surrounds as we pray
See the part of you that is beyond the facade
Still I see a love that is like no other.

A friendship like no one has ever seen
A friendship like no one has ever experienced.
I still thank God for you.

A future that is so unclear
A future with such potential for perfection
Still it is up to you.

Let fear keep us apart
Let fear drive us over the edge
I still have hope that makes me believe.

I believe in miracles
I believe in this perfection
Still it is not in our time, but His.

Perfection that is unlike any human definition
Perfection that makes me question everything
I still believe in perfect imperfection.

No one will ever know
No one could ever truly see
Still we both feel this pull that never dies or fades away.

So let them come
So let them try
I still will not walk away.

Not now
Not ever
No matter what.

They show up in the most inconvenient of times.
They bring smiles, but they also bring tears.
So many smiles, so many tears.
I see you now. Jokes are made.
Some playful and innocent.
Most like a knife through my heart.
I do not know when we became this.
I do not know how we went from what we were to what we are.
Poetry and long nights, perfume and smiles.
Now it just hurts. For you, for me.
Wanting to try to keep what little we have left.
Building up those walls that crumbled between us before.
The past is in the past. We cannot rewrite history.
We never had the chance to be just friends.
I suppose that is why we cannot see what that would be.
I miss the way I could let you see the dark side of me.
The dark side that no other human could ever or would ever see.
I do not wish to recreate the mess that we so often fell into.
I do not wish to wreck what little goodness we still have.
I still love you, I always will.
We will always have the memories that ******* us so.
Someday we may heal, someday we may smile.
Smile without the hurt, without the tears.