4/15/14

A fistful of coins and an empty room with an old claw machine. I stare through the glass for what seems like hours. Many riches are inside the machine, but in the center of the machine, or my attention, sits an object of my desire. I catch myself drooling. After drawing my tongue back into my mouth, I steady my hand and contemplate trying to win. This machine takes both coins and confidence. I lose and lose and lose and lose and lose. The machine swells pushing my against my knees. Choking on frustration, I throw the rest of my coins at the machine and hang my head. Out from the prize slot drops a lighter. I take my consolation and adjust my hat. After one last longing gaze at the prize in the center, I leave the empty room to be burned up by the sun. Maybe someday someone better than me will bypass all the jewels and gold inside the machine and truly win the stuffed cat inside.

4/13/14


It must be Winter. The sound of the insect orchestra is nonexistent. I sit upon a roof top watching chimneys lazily hack up their smoke. There is no season with greater beauty. Above me is a full moon. There is no object of greater beauty. I feel alive here on the roof, but I'm not sure if that feeling is correct. How does one feel alive without knowing how to feel dead? Is this something I test or wait to find out? If I'm dead, why do I desire nothing more than a loving hug? If I'm alive, why don't I feel so repulsive anymore? Answers can only be bought with time, and I'm not so sure how much of that I have left on loan. The sun will come soon leaving nothing but a shade of myself, a cackling mad man. And I remain with nothing but lonesome. The two of us are no longer on speaking terms inside or outside of my mind.

4/3/14

In the setting of this dream, I am setting in a field of roses and lillies bordered by sunflowers. The sun and moon are both in the sky. From my perspective on this lonely planet, they are dancing in a circle in the sky. My claws shift through the dirt, I am uncertain of what I hoped to find in the soil. To the north is a medium sized ravine, to the west endless vegetation, to the east the plaguelands, and to the south a large clay cliff that overlooks the flower stage that I reside. I have no words or weapons because no one comes. Everyday is peacefully similiar, and I do not mind. Upon this stone I watch my world grow, die, and repeat. In my mind I pray someone finds me before the plague defiles my flowers and heart. Suddenly, there is a sudden shift in the sound of the wind. It is as if there is a new presence blocking the flow of the air and my thoughts. I open my eye to search the surroundings. Has the disease finally reached us? No. On the top of cliff stands a purple foxen humanoid with a bow her hand and ire in her eyes. Our eyes lock until the wind shifts in my direction. On the wind rides her gentle war song. With a deep thump in my chest, my heart begins to pump fire through my veins. I'm the only one who can take my world from me. The flames first pervade through my tear ducts. Quickly standing and slamming my fist to the earth, fire pours out of every pore of my body. A swift jab in the air toward her direction unleashes a fiery hell ball that misses her narrowly. She doesn't flinch or blink. I prayed that the first person to find me would be gentle, but that only exist in the dictionary. My heart is racing flames through my body, a heated aura oozes from my heat. The plants around me begin to melt. I take an offensive stance with both fist clinched by my waist. I'll sink her and that cliff. I'll show her true passion, true heat, true pain, a swift end. Her focus never leave me. She reaches for a single moon bleesed arrow. Her bow string comes with a 300lb pull. With the arrow in position, she pulls it back with just her pinky claw. What is she? A demon? A saviour? A thief? A lover? A warrior? No point in asking because she is going to be a skeleton in a few moments. Before I can show her my pride, her bow lets out a mighty thud. In my ears I hear a single heart beat. She got me, right in the heart. I sink to my knees. The red mage downed by a single arrow. NO! I try to use  my fleeting heart beat to summon one last blast. I can feel my lungs fill. As I go to breath her death toward her, nothing but blood comes out. She slides down the cliff toward me. As she picks a rose with her bare hand, she approaches me with her tail and fur flowing in the breeze. After pushing me over, she daintly throws the rose and its blood covered stem on me. Holstering her bow, she continues toward the plaguelands. I muster a final chuckle. Thank you.

4/7/14

Lazily shifting through the internet on a moon milk rain day. I come across a video that relentlessly grips my attention. A man in front of a webcam holding an ice cream dream drum stick and a pocket acetylene torch. Througout the rest of this sequence the man I am watching stares into the camera without blinking, smiling, breathing, or speaking. He ignites the torch in his left hand and uses it to light the tip of the dreamy ice cream. The ice cream remains lit as a cigar. Remaining steadfast in his ridgid posture, he passes the lit cone to his dog. His dog is a female chocolate lab named Gurny of Galil-Bruce-Lee. She holds it in her mouth, but refuses to inhale. Although she does not desire to smoke this treat, she is extremely appreciative of her partner's gesture. After savouring the smokey tastey of the cone for a few minutes. She ashes it out what I think is my knee cap because it is now missing, but to me that matters least. I must see what happens. Doctors can't help me anyway. Gurny reaches into her apparently existant pockets and pulls out the cutest pair of reading glasses for dogs. She slowly approaches a desk to the right of her owner. Quickly sitting down and pulling out paper work and pens. A subtitled bark emits from her mouth that reads "Cray, where is your W-2?" The man doesn't break form. With a long sigh, Gurny shifts through the desk until she finds the paper. After flicking on an old radio, she proceeds to do his taxes, but not using an EZ form. Gurny turns to the camera and mentions that this is how a dog should thank their owner. Gurny does all the math, paper work, and double checks her math before pulling out her check book and paying what he owes to the government. My vision is fading, I'm losing too much blood. I have to hold out. This man must break before me. I will defeat him. I will have Gurny's love. But in all truth, I have nothing. Not even knees for you to make weak. I am what I have and always been. Darkness encroaching in my sight. Give in. He can't see, nor can the rest of world. I tell you what, it really isn't as cold as you think it will be.

Most days, it is all I can muster to say
My voice and opinion fades everyday
Guilt for each breath that I take
Hatred for every smile that I fake
This Earth is where I do not desire
My thoughts against me they conspire
Apologizing to all for every second my life is longer
The stares make me feel like a war monger
Their eyes arrange the scars to say "Do it"
But I am in a constant battle for intuit
Good news has to reach me, one day it may
I just wish to the moon that I didn't feel this way

I often think about once and for all leaving this bark
But society's rules won't let that in my story arc
Enough crying. Enough loneliness. Tired of being sad
Time to return to where there are adventures to be had
A place where things make sense
A place that will give me a mental rinse
The dream of love and farming left behind in the county
Respark the dream of those catching me for my bounty
That dream often ends at my knuckle
Their skull slamming sound is just another notch for my buckle
Being on land for me was emotional error
But meet me on the high seas and I can show you true terror

These past few days have been quite the strain
Lucky to endure it without doing a Scott Pilgrimesque shave of the mane
I don't cope with loss or change very well
Especially when I'm plagued with the thoughts of someone going to hell
Not that this is taking a religious direction
Growing up with christian brain washing gives me that inflection
Made it through this without one shred
Promise you my life is much better without any meds
Blaming myself for not going in the night is not the best
Blaming others for not taking my mother to surgery won't bring me any rest
Gravity is the only thing that can heal and **** me
Dragging the sand down on me until I'm buried like she
A hug from the hands of the clock are all I need
Because pretty soon it will be time to sow seed
The tide carries on even if you are at the bottom of the deep blue
Whether or not you learn to surf, is up to you.

What I'm feeling is quite the cliche
But with so many stars out, what else can one say
I know one of them is you, but which
I'll count and search for you until my good eye starts to twitch
Search for you until I am quintessence of jealous
You are the one hanging with the lunar beauty that makes me zealous
With promises to keep, I shouldn't be joining you anytime soon
Until I can reach you both on my own, grant me your boon

You wouldn't want me to feel this guilt
Jokingly reminding me on what our friendship was built
But I am such a selfish man
I want to cling on to your every last minute while I can
Your last breath, I'm too late
I'm so sorry I made you wait
Where ever you are, I hope it is as wonderful as you were
This is all I pray with the moonlight illuminating my fur

Give this vessel to the Earth
Or give it to the flame
It matters not for I am no longer behind the helm
I'm done with this realm

The one I'm about to describe is partially feral
She doesn't concern herself if her hands aren't always sterile
Strong and wild, yet with peace in her eyes
Hold no fear toward my most likely demise
Words are her weapon of choice
Kiss my brain to sleep with lullabies from your wonderful voice
Can't be jealous of my other love in the sky
Don't be distressed when lefty is feeling shy
Perfection is not what I require
Someone who won't use me to mitigate their ire
Do this for me, and for you I'll lift the sea
Because all the plunder on the bottom is meant for we
Not to keep and squander, but to lazily toss back in
Yes my love, we can compare scars again.

They say it is cold out here in the outer reaches
But to me the heat is the equivalent of any beaches'
I came here to escape the echo of your silence
Attempting to be the target of your distant stare
Escaping those is futile when they work as an alliance
It matters not because I'm with the only entity that would ever care
Her rough surface and craters are deep enough to catch all anguish
Forever clinging to feelings because I'm far too selfish
I guess you could say I'm happy out here
Although everything inside me just wishes you were near

Marooned in the isles of my own madness
Painfully mitigating my emotions on enemies until I choke on their sadness
Drifting and wondering if the wind brings you the words of my story
Or does avoiding me all together bring you glory
Only thing I ever wanted to fight was your woes and the agony of your past
Although I'm not the best to look at it, I assure we'd have a blast
It wasn't your beauty that in my heart you did hook me
But mostly because you are as wild as the sea
Imperfect and wonderful,  I want your strength next to me
This I have wished once for every ripple in the water
Just once hear the lonely call of the otter

The Captain peers through the bottom of his shot glass before slamming it down
You can tell he is choosing what story will be birthed from that long frown
The following is the recollection of his words to the best that my memory serves
In all my years of sailing this big pond, there is only one man who stomps on my nerves
He works not for the Navy, any country, or for any amount of wealth
Fighting purely for fun, despite his failing mental health
Dreams of many men have been crushed beneath his knuckles
But to him they are just another notch in his buckle
Once I had him dangling from a rope over sharks hungry for his skin
Greedy for that last look of desperation, but I was met only with a grin
Mentally sunk, he broke my arm then slammed me into the deck
He even requested that we do this again before leaving me in that wreck
Captain Rootjack slowly rubbed his arm before tapping on the bar for another drink
That smile is so vile I still lie at night only able to think
What madness drives that lad to the sea
Who or what is he trying to flee
I always hope, but never expect to see him again for another fight
Oh what I'd give to choke that grin out with all my might
But we all know the fate that awaits the Otter
Tis his own that will finally send him to the deepest of waters

Constriction
So tight that it is suffocating my conviction
I can feel the knot, but my eyes can not find the chain
Is it around my neck, heart, or brain
Hysteria is dripping from my pores
That ******* anchor is dragging me to the ocean floor
Where is it tethered
Why am I breaking
This isn't even the worst storm I've weathered
My heart quakes to the sound of the deck the chain is raking
Rapidity
I'm being consumed by my own stupidity
Grip my hands even if the fingers you clinch crack
Because once I go under, I'll never come back
To whom am I even giving this commmand
You are back in the forest loving the land
Needed elsewhere was your love, you had no room left to care
For that reason is why this is my burden to bare
Sinking
Oxygen fleeting, only a few moments left of thinking
No hope of those tender hands reaching me
Endless gravity escorting me to the abyss
Only regret is that we couldn't share one last cup of tea
Stay ignorant of my fate because I am nothing of worth to miss

Tell yourself it will just be a few drops
Now you don't have the strength to reach for the mop
When will it or I be enough
Quickly, with your hands, make a cuff
Please reach your fingers inside
Keep pushing until with my bone it collides
Whisper your fears into the blood, I promse you can confide
Gnash your teeth on the veins to see what else the body hides
Whatever you find, either love or cast it out
Already know your choice, due to myself being a lout
No anger nor despair
Like the wind, this too will blow through my hair
The same current that carries you to a new story
Will oxidize my scene that was once gorey

1.
Mango the Mighty
Terror of the seven seas
Pleased to meet thee

2.
Veins are not so deep
They are easy to purge
Only the soul keeps

3.
I miss my roses
But the ice preserves my mind
Joy in all seaons

4.
Slay them with silence
Your voice would only heal them
Just watch with delight

5.
She is calling me
Beaming light through the night sky
Reaching for the ground

6.
Journals for my thoughts
Divided into small parts
Reflecting Madness

7.
I take from nature
But it is only a loan
Soon it will take me

8.
The red mage shall wait
My spell will consume your heart
The fire can wait

9.
The tide takes my fear
The wave takes my earthen flesh
Just a skeleton

10.
Grab my shaking hand
Look past the mistakes I've had
Draw what is inside

11.
Sleep is a hobby
Some make it seem like a sport
I just like to snore.

12.
Catch me with your eye
Self esteem is never mine
Same goes for your love

13.
His will never dies
Buried along with his smile
Thousands grin harder

14.
Why do I sail on
Treasure is not what I seek
Greater things exist

15.
I must end this flow
Before I show my **** soul
The skin is too soft

Known across the seas as an adrenaline ******
Back home he was an academic flunky
Made famous for his seemingly infinite luck
Those who made his acquaintance considered him a schmuck
Owner of more scars than there is time in the night to tell
Females from his past pray for him to be swiftly dragged to hell
His only consistent lover resides in the starry sky
Even through the dripping blood, she still stares him in the eye
There are times where he simply and violently loses hope
But for this, his lover's cold embrace puts his heart back into pace
Although he is on his own for the waves running down his face
The brain behind the two sockets is stuck in an emotional rut
Ephemerally protected by a revolving door that he can't shut
Shielding the public from all these feelings by living on a whim
The sea quakes when it sees that horrifying grin
Seething with convulsing ire that no crew's captain can match
Heart reeking of despair from years chasing a feline he can't catch
**** it all back in, it is no longer he; only I
Apologies for the temporary eruption
The long term lack of your sweet fragrance often causes this corruption
If it is what you want, tell me to get lost because I know you aren't shy
At the end of our once in a moon meeting you can barely say goodbye
I'm not offering to be strong for you, but to be strong together
Side by side, there is no storm we couldn't weather
No force needed, our hearts will simply dance
Just once give our love a chance
No longer do I want to say I, let's make it we
Be my pirate empress and together we can sail the sea

Sanguine eyes
Kept inside the greatest treasure cove to never be discovered
Every soul in her path is hers to take
Letting you slip between her ****** fingers isn't her  mistake
Eventually your fate will catch you
Tuning her dull cutlass against your spine
Once in a moon, her melody will be in pitch with her steel
Not now though, she has waterlogged dreams to ****

1.
Your sweet voice is lost
The buckling of my mind
May the waves take me

2.
My soul is burning
Scorching your bad memories
Spinning inferno

3.
Just once more for me
Let me hear you in my lungs
Once more bite my tongue

4.
I will take it all
Those bright eyes can see through me
Even through the smoke

5.
One thing you hold dear
Same thing I should never make
The wind worries not

6.
Been lost here for days
The way is not what I seek
My wait continues

7.
Oh scarlet lion
Your roar keeps my heart beating
Where are you lion

Drifting on my bark from rise until set
Shifting through the clouds where our eyes first met
When Icarus' assailant meets the same demise
That is the time my love shall be in the skies
I wait and hope and pray and sing
Because nothing compares to the love she brings
No fate can tether me from her, not even the strongest tide
Ripping me from this terra firma shell will only bring me closer to her in strides
Every moment I have with her is savoury, short, and sweet
If you want to keep me from her, you better bring an entire fleet
She kisses my wounds and tells me everything will be alright
"Don't fill with fear even if the sun is too bright."
But I can see it in her eyes she knows this vessel will not last
If you think I'm referring to my boat, may I refer you to my past
One last wink as she sinks back into the water
I can still hear her prayers echoing to protect me from the sun's slaughter
But being Captain Otter, you aren't known for peace
Considering I'm dragging a few foes across the coral reef.
Facing each day as if it's death I'm about to greet
I mind it not, because there is someone above I'd rather meet
Until that day arrives I'll enjoy this constant strife
Because yoho, it's the pirate's life.

I was never one to pick one over the other
They used to function together as well as brothers
As time passes, their relationship sours
One works hard and focuses for hours
The other struggles to relay to the main tower
Dripping with blood is this brother
Dripping with liquid salt in worry is the other
Together they used to form pictures in the clouds
Now one  peers through a fog stitched shroud
Teamwork is a thing of the past
The rift between them is filling with fog, fast
They still both serve under the same mast
But one is absorbing as much sun as he still last

The type of man that lived purely for the thrill.
Although he himself was diagnosed as terminally ill.
Lab coats gave him two years left of breathin'.
In return he gave them a margin of error that left them seethin'
Upon the ocean with a wicked grin is where you could find this heathen.
If you crossed his path he'd most likely leave you bleedin'.
If it was your life that you should be a pleadin'.
Just offer to throw him a grand party and front the bill.
The celebration is purely for his crew.
His happiness doesn't come from a bottle of any hue.
What he seeks is the freedom only found in the deepest blues.
Turbulent waters provides him with more comfort than any pew.
Worries are nothing to a man with grains of sand so few.
The grin he hides behind says it all
He'll happily make it to his own grave, even if he has the crawl.

Avert your eyes from my existence
That includes even includes you, my old shadow
I don't need to give anyone reasons to extend assistance
Let me lie down in my own bed of wilted flowers
My spirit will not remain to haunt you
No longer do you have reasons to give those lost promises power
Just turn you head, for your attention I do not taunt
My ship is sinking, and for me that's just fine
Because no longer does my heart hold the will to jaunt
Just be silent young man, because for you it is the end of time.

When I was in the third grade, I spent a lot of time camping at a campground in Redhouse and a lot of time by myself. One Summer day, I was playing in a creek when I spotted a frog. I had a very active imagination as a child, so I decided to play with the frog. The first game that came to mind was the game of catch. Excitedly, I scoured the surrounding area for something to toss to my new friend. After a few minutes of searching, I found a hand sized rock. With the rock in my hand, I exclaimed, “Get ready, here it comes!” Then, I underhand threw the rock to the frog. I eagerly waited for a few minutes for the frog to throw the rock back to me, but the rock was motionless. With much haste, I slid down the creek banks and picked up the rock. There in front of me was the smashed remains of my amphibious friend. For the first time in my life, I was faced with death. Tears began to roll down my face because I realized it was my fault that he was dead. I was now alone again and I had nobody in which to discuss this event. That frog was the first and last thing I ever killed
Ever since that day, I've had an eye on the man in the black robe that's waiting patiently in the back row. I know it's not normal for someone my age to think about death, but it helps me enjoy my life. At any given moment I could combust, stop breathing, or get smashed by a rock, so every moment that isn't spent in death's cold arms is an absolute blessing. I regret that it took the life of another living being to teach me this lesson, but I will not let that frog's death be in vain. I have to make up for the life I wasted, and if my flame for life starts to die, I visualize lifting up that rock and my soul is instantly stoked. If death is going to catch me, he is going to dance around the trail of fire I leave behind because I don't only believe in death, I believe in life.

Warmth is not the only thing missing from my life
Seperated from my love by glass and ice
My heart begins to align with her frozen pulse if I stare too long
Withdrawls of your love keep my blood thawed
I will make a world for you to live in
No masked dunce or army will impede my icy wrath
Science and love is all I need to stop this world cold
Inch by inch I will reshape this planet with my frigid fury
It will be perfect for you my love
Every ice shard will be a fraction of my dedication to you
May my enemies never know warmth again
Those fools shall suffer like you did in frozen cocoons
And you my love . . .
Shall be in my arms once more
Together we will rule this frozen paradise that I created
Our love will be the only source of heat
I promise

Years have passed since I awoke on that dune
Time has showed me nothing but regression
Scorched to the bone everyday by the morning tyrant
Frozen to my very core by the queen of the stars
Cacti spines drink my blood to quench their thirst
But I am still breathing
My heart pumps out more blood than I could ever lose
The memory of your smile stokes my inner pyre
Tones of love going from your heart to mine blow the smoke off my flesh
Never shall I be consumed by the sand
For I am never truly lost
Because I have your heart as my compass
And one day it will lead me to my oasis

Nativity
Innocence
Corruption
Transgressions
Depression
Dreams
Aspirations
Hope
Failure
Devoid of the light
Dysphoria
Hopelessness
Death
The book is written
Every chapter completed
Who shall tell this story
A story of a lost child finding nothing in the darkness
The Sun won't because he was never respected
The Moon won't because she doesn't want to be reminded of him
The Earth is far too busy to remember such an insignificant story
No tears were shed and no memories were kept
Only prayers uttered were ones of blessing from the worms
Nothing left now except for another forgotten story
Forever riding on the back of the wind
This is the tale of the story that was meant to be forgotten

Force that can never be stopped
Foe that will defeat you in every battle
Unlike humanity, it never dies
Healer to the masses
Harvester of souls
Never slowing down
Never speeding up
Perception let's you feel it at your own pace
But don't try to control it
Because it's the only thing you can truly waste

Many moonlit days and nights have passed
Yet I remain on this dew covered hill
Singing my ballads of lonesome and woe
To the only love I have ever known
All she's ever given me is a porcelain tan
Maybe this love of ours is broken
I crave the solar guidance as a demon craves a soul
Everyone is right, the times are changing
And it's time for me to change my direction
I shall willing embrace the cleansing burn of the sun
Hopefully there is something left other than ashes

Hearing a psyche shatter used to fill me with rapturous delight
Leaving nothing but a cheerful laugh, as I sink further into the smoke
But living as a silhouette has lost it's ephemeral comfort
No longer does this shroud provide security
Keeps getting thicker and thicker, but the sense of safety doesn't seem to come back
I can feel it seeping into my mind and forcing it's own reality
What am I
Am I cunning or am I timid
Am I controlling these people or am I a slave to my flaws
Is this an exit or another artifice
Should I wait for someone to save my humanity
No
You may be able to part this forsaken haze with your sweet breath
But I am the only one who can expel this poison from my lungs
I will not fear my shadow any longer
It shall be behind me, where it belongs
Wariness is what I deserve from you, but that too shall blow away in the breeze
And when the smoke is finally cleared, I hope you will look to see what remains
I pray that you will like whatever I am

Oh little girl, lost at sea
Won't you please come back to me
Everyday I search the shore for prints made to fit your feet
Everynight my heart emits a warm, loving glow to lead you across the cold, salty deep
Hopelessly I sit, letting my tears douse the fire of the sand
Beautiful brown eyed girl, how long must I wait for you to come take my hand
I am beginning to think you forgot about your lunar eyed mate
No matter, I shall wait happily on the bay, until my funeral date

Sentenced to the sea until it is no longer salty

A ship and a box are all I have to aid me in my journey

Inside the ship, is a boy

Stained by the brine that pours from his mind

Forever dripping from his colourless eyes

And leaving his skin in the same condition

Inside the box, is a hundred pulsating shards

They once formed something beautiful and harmonic

Now a tentacled mass controls the rhythm  of my blood

No longer do I yearn for the safety of home

Even if my boat shatters like the muscle in my box

I shall have no fear

Because I will learn to surf