you made this.

so revel in your creation, doctor frankenstein,
it was not i who chose to come into being.

you forced me into creation,
and now you must live with my screams in the night
my burnt wrists
and the haunt of a smile that lingers in my eyes -

you did this,
not
me.

i'm afraid of tripping and falling into familiar holes
so i stay up all night and keep guard
but i get tired,
fall asleep...
fall into familiar holes

clumsy child of the dark
tired daughter of the day
wary creature of the night

How long before I become
One of those creepy single people?
The ones with all the cats
And ***** sweaters
Who eat cereal for every meal
And smoke at the kitchen table.
How long will I be able
To make single look
'Cool'?
Apparently I can't fool
My parents anymore.
Dad's sure
That I'll hook one soon
But what is...soon?
Tomorrow? Today?
Ten years from now at noon?

Why can't I just be
Unsingle...
Not attached
But in there somewhere
Somewhere is a place...
Right?

....maybe it's my height...

slippery
body-less.
mind weaving back and forth
making me see-sick.

every grade i've ever received
branded into my skin
birth defects my mother left me.
every huge C on my forehead
every tiny A, hiding under my arms
every moderate B on my stomach.

panic.
panic.
have to be better
have to be greater
have to be smarter
funnier
happier
prettier
better.
have to be better.
have to be better to save daddy.

work harder.

panic.

my **** star lips are not for you to taste
nor the "unhealthy" curvature of my hips
and waist.
i have made myself an object
(perfection in all traits)
love is no longer
left up to The Fates.

hearts should be
cut out
before they start to break
because once broken
i can never find all the little pieces
to dig out
they get lost
in my chest
in his pocket
and i can't ever
get rid of
it all

if i had a reason for every scar on my thigh
and ones that i could remember
i would write them all down
just to see
what hurt the most
what threw me over the edge
with no regrets
just to have a clear list
of what i can't handle
so i would maybe stop
creating the same problems
over
and
over
again
step one:
stop falling
in love

you've got eyes
that cut diamonds
and not in a good way
because that means
you can cut through some super tough ****
including me
and my
leather heart
don't look
at me
it
hurts

the great dilemma:
not becoming our parents.

but it's genetic make-up
we're ******
either way
you'll end up being your parents
you can't stop it.

it makes all the impossible
possible
things you said you'd never do
you'll find yourself sitting in the middle of

my mom is my face
and my bad knees
and my anger
and how much i cry
she's the cuts on my arms
and the shape of my fingernails
the curl of my toes
my weakness for underdogs...
my mom's inside me
like a parasite

i will cut her out

i didn't realize
that i could fight abuse
feed starving children
stop someone from smoking
heal someone of cancer
by sitting on my ***
and applying pressure to a button
on my $1,200 dollar
laptop
maybe i should devote
my entire facebook
to this cause
maybe i'll even
start a social media
revolution

what the **** did i just read
some famous german short story
about a guy waking up turned into
a bug
his family freaks out
and thinks he's gross
and then he dies
i have an exam on this tomorrow
analyzing and interpreting
the meaning behind it all
i guess if you wake up as a bug someday
just **** yourself
or your family will do it for you
what the ****

the elephant girl
draws excellent swirls.
i trip across the beginning of one
run along the loop
until i come to the inner-most circle
where i sit
and wait
for class to grind to an end.

i'm currently
writing poetry
instead of doing homework
for a class i have in an hour
i was going to yknow
try a little
but after a bit
i said to myself,
what the hell
and quit.

i'm so tired of college
honest to god
i wish dad would let me drop out
but no
college is what the 'good' kids do
you can't be profound
worthy
intelligent
without a college degree
so why is jenna marbles
dancing in her underwear
...i'll just tell my english teacher
i was too busy
writing poetry
go to hell,
educational *******

i am a product
of this
society
i pick-pocketed
my personality
from a ghastly array
of tv shows
and teenaged drama
if you would like a re-run
of last night's
late night
sitcom
i'm at your service

i am a product
of this
society
if you want some fashion advice
from me
because i dress
so well
log on to
pinterest
they'll tell you
exactly
what i would
because everything i wear
no matter how weird
or ugly
i wear because
they told me
to

i am a product
of this
society
i do not
think for me
i have an iphone
that has replaced
the normal functions
of my brain
it remembers everything
for me
i know everyone
we talk
all the time
i text
really fast
i'm so connected
i mean,
i'm plugged into
everything...

i am a product
of this society
my thighs
don't touch
and a lovely
mountain ridge
adorns
my back
a cavern
in my
belly
come explore
me
a beautiful
bony
product
of this
society

I AM A PRODUCT OF THIS SOCIETY
and you all should really stop blaming me
for being a social deviant
for being unwilling
to conform
to this new normal
sanity isn't
statistical
and this isn't
1984
meaning:
just because a billion people
do this ****
it doesn't make it
right
doesn't make it
make
sense
i will not hold onto your tail
and follow you
blindly,
society
because you don't know
where the ****
you're going
anyway
if we progress
one more step
we'll all be
dead

do not be afraid of the dark.

the darkness cannot comprehend you.

do not swallow the dark.

it will consume you.

do not welcome it

it will take your offer

gladly

too late to run from it

it leaks out the corner of your eyelids

the corners of your mouth

the vacant ink cartridges.

do you remember how it felt to be whole

to be holy

to be sacred

do you remember how it felt to be pure

were you

ever?

he gives up on me
too easily
and to my own device i sink.

in my refusal
i am blantantly womanlike  
i want what i say i do not
i don't want you to convince me
i want you to spontaneously take me
somewhere you think i would like

i am ashamed of my scheme
especially that you are oblivous of it

My words ****
Faster than my hands will.
Quick as a lash,
I can't take them back.

I should have been a better daughter
I should have been nicer
I should have tried harder.

But I
didn't.

You won't let me forget what I said
My anger echos in your head

I should have been
nicer.

The cuts on my wrist
Insist
On my insincerity
They wipe the clarity
From my mind.

I cut like a knife
Cutting away life
The yawning stretches of tragedy
Still haunt me.

I don't deserve peace
I don't deserve love
I don't deserve this justice
That you've talked of

Because

it was

all

my

fault.

I know you don't ever listen
I know you don't really care
But that knife,
That knife sitting there...
Might just end my life
Tonight.

If you had wanted me,
If you had only wanted me
You would see
The pain.
You would see
The bloodstains.

Tonight
My head won't stop me
My heart won't stop me
My hand won't stop me
Tonight
This knife
Will save
My life.

one year
eight months
four days
or
eighty-seven weeks
and six days
which all amounts to
six hundred and fifteen days
since you left.

fourteen thousand, seven hundred and sixty hours
you have been on your own

eight hundred eighty-five thousand and six hundred minutes
you have been without your strange, silly
redheaded daughter

fifty-three million, one hundred and thirty-six thousand seconds
that you have robbed your family
of happiness
millions of breaths
that didn't belong to you

i can't figure out
if i should still be so unhappy
after all that time
you'd think a person would get better
do people with divorced parents
stay unhappy
forever?

it makes me
afraid of humanity
if my own mother
can leave me
who else will?

but most of all
if i ever am lucky enough
to have a family
i know that i will never
ever
ever
leave
i will always
try to work it out
it's always
worth it.
i am worth it
i deserve to be happy
at least once in a while

i need to stop counting the days
but i can't.

i have decided to have a dream
in which i run away
drive for a very long time
in the summer heat
listen to bad music
blare at me
on cracked roads
until i arrive
at the sea
where i will jump in
and let it hug me
until i no longer
breathe

do i really prefer blind adoration over quality
because i am frightened to not be the one in control
of who leaves who

possible to be more traumatized than i was before?
yes.
wondrously.

we're back together but i don't even want to talk to you
because it frightens me
because you don't interest me anymore
because all you hold is the capacity to hurt me more
because i simply don't like you anymore.

but i don't like any of the boys on tinder trying to take me out to coffee, either.

i think i want to be alone.

i was walking
humming that song
about neapolitan dreams
looking at all the dried worms
on the hot sidewalk.
the rain makes them run away
from their homes
trying not to drown
but then the sun
comes
and shrivels them up:
little broken
flat
squiggles
on the sidewalk
what a *****
trick...
suddenly
i found
one that was barely
alive
struggling
trying to dig into
the scorching cement
i don't even like worms
i think they're gross
but i picked him up
put him in the dirt
covered him with some grass
to protect him from the sun
because i know how it feels
to be far from home
trying to get away
from a frightening
place

i will collect all the words you miss-spoke
it's alright,
i like them.
sincerity comes easy to you -
taking into consideration how much effort it takes to talk in the first place
you figure that you might as well say something that's ******* honest.

i like people who have stammers.

sometimes i pull up my shirt
look down at my bare tummy
and sigh.

why can't you be better, tummy?
why can't you be smaller
nicer
softer
better?

like a child
i am chiding
tut-tutting
at its misbehavior

tummy, i do so much for you
i skip meals
and don't drink water
and wrap you in all kinds of weird dyi concoctions
and lotions
i take pills
and cry before seeing the boy that i like
all for you,
tummy.

why can't you be
like the other ones
why must you be
the way you are?

i will fix you.

last night i dreamed
that we took that great
flying leap
at last.
i dreamed
you met my mother
and that you loved her...
even though i still can't.

i dreamed that you kissed me
on a couch that contained
every thought we'd refrained
from speaking
that at last they had a being
a shape.

i dreamed that you held a lock
of my thick red hair
curled it around your finger
enjoying how it glinted gold
in the lamp light.
i dreamed that we enjoyed
every piece of each other
like a cheesecake
to be savored
i dreamed that all you wanted to do
was kiss my nose
laugh
smile
tickle
tackle
breathe.

i dreamed last night
that we both wanted to be held
like so many times before
and we kidded and joked
that since there was no one else around
darling,
you'd have to do
but once done
you wouldn't let go
and i realized
that you never
wanted
to.

i have more split ends
than i have thoughts

****

caffeine makes me feel like ****
but today i'm chugging it
focus on the negativity in my cup
so the positives don't put me too high up

happy is just how far from the ground you are
happy is just how far you'll fall
how hard you'll hit
the pavement
i'd rather be an inch high
than on a cliff
is it worth
the self interest

try to steal warmth
from the dry
cup of coffee
in your hands
shiver
quake

contain

contain

contain.

i opened a text
and then i cried
today.

because the "heeeey :)"
that my bestfriend sent me
isn't a
"let me see
if you're ok"
it's a
"please watch my kid so i can hang out with my boyfriend."

and i
know that you're really happy
that he's made you really happy
but i am so unhappy
and you don't even know
because you don't even ask
you only text me last
minute
and you know
i'll do it
i always do it
because i want you to be happy
but sometimes i want to
be happy
too.

"you're depressed"
they say.
"you won't go to class
you won't eat
all you do
is sleep
you're depressed"
they say.
"i'm surrounded by failures"
he says.
dad, it's not my fault
i don't want to go
"i'll have to think about this all day"
he says.
me too
dad.
"i have psychological stuff wrong with me
from trying to deal
with all of this
the least you could do
is go to school"
he says.
i can feel the slam of the door
in my ears
"you're disrespecting me"
he says.
i told my bestfriend
that i'm not eating
not sleeping
or maybe sleeping too much
i told her
i blacked out
lost all sense
of hearing
seeing
feeling
fell down
"you're depressed"
they say.

don't let it get you.
stop thinking about it.

i can't.
i can't.
i can't.

i'm so tired of talking about it to myself
thinking about it
laying my head on a pillow soaked with the frightening moments -
i want to be at peace.

he never loved me
i excused the abuse because i believed he loved me.

he never loved me.
i let it happen to me for no reason.

cry all your make up off
before nine am
just because
you remembered
your littlest brother's
face.
nice job,
brain.

i stare at these
pages
with my glassy
dead
eyes
no connection
no palpitation
nothing that brings my heart
back to life
almost two years
and the pain is so deep
under the surface
like the memories...
i can hardly
bid them
rise

maybe this is good
and maybe i would think it was
if i could feel something
anything

a boy that i used to talk to
every night for about
two years
who lives in argentina
that i met once
sent me
a heart-shaped key chain
for my birthday
with a poem
and a card
i miss him

open a problem i can solve on my computer screen
bury myself in the pixels:
a comforting ignorance
comforting silence
in the dark, humming room;
mouses clicking quietly.

i'm not destroyed.
i'm a little sad to lose my pivotal focus
but glad that i was able to be distracted
from a two week old heartbreak
by a smiling, goofy boy.

i will be quiet,
and i will learn
and everyone
will get shut off
for a little while
while i sleep
between these textured layers

gently

can't decide if the river ran me past something i've no control over anymore
i can't decide if this is what love is
my phone tells me that there are so many other boys with better traits
but i don't want to bother to get to know them.

i would rather spend a summer away from you?
afraid of what you do behind my back?
in your
phone?
what about what i do in mine?

cheating takes 10 seconds now
one snap and all evidence is gone
it doesn't even feel wrong
it took no effort
shouldn't evil
take effort
shouldn't we feel
wrong?

too easy, too quick to catch
as soon as i pick up the hammer it tells me what to hit --
(everything)

my phone? --
the same.

mac 'n cheese
the mother of comfort
put it in my mouth

but no,
gross.

everyone sings about
talks about
preaches about
having a ***** past
no one tells you what to do
with a ***** coin
of a future
that erodes in your pocket
silently
but heavily

these things
happen

they tell me

these things
happen

every day.

i reply,

what planet
are you ******* living on

so you tell the entire world
what a great night
we had together
last night
and then you delete it
in the morning
after everyone's already seen it
what the **** is wrong with you
how could you think
i would miss that
or see it
and feel
fine

i wonder today
as i walk down the street
if someone
will yell at me.

something like
"does the carpet match the drapes?"
"want a ride?"
"nice ***"
"you're just my size"
"hey ginger"

red in the head
good in bed
they say

i am glad the pictures here are in black and white.

i can't write poems for **** today.
seriously.
i just tried like
80 times
it's not my day
i guess

...wait...

dafuq

we must gauge how much we like a boy.
do you like him enough to spend three hours
trying on clothes
and tossing them aside
finding some tiny flaw
in every
neckline
do you like him enough
to have nothing but water
for a week
just to tempt him to explore
your craggy peaks
do you want him enough
to cut your wrists
in anxiety
an hour before
you'll see him
do you like him enough
do you?


do
                                        

                                                           you?

i can't make decisions
i sit and wish someone else would make them.
eventually they do and i just follow along
playing a part i was gently dropped into.

no more.

no matter how gentle the drop i'm still doing something i don't want
no means no
your will frightens me
you think what you do to me is worth it because you are satisfied
forgetting the living person that you perform your acts on.

*******, devin.
i'm sorry you feel sad
i'm sorry you don't do well in school
i'm sorry you spend your entire day playing a game that gets you no where
but when it comes to the question of my lips
my waist
my neck
my hipbones...
you are not permitted a say in the matter
no matter how "worth it" you think it is
they are mine to command
mine to keep if i so choose
*******,
****
you.

honey,
what people say about you
is none of your business
and you gettin' involved
is just plain nosy.

baby is supposed to be in bed.
if baby doesn't sleep,
baby doesn't mend
daddy made me promise
to rest my aching head
but baby is too tired
baby feels too dead.