they told us in psychology class
while we were studying
domestic violence
that a victim tries to leave
seven times.
i sat
and tried to think of
the seven times
mom tried to leave
i remembered at least three times
when she drove away
and we called and called...
when she walked down the road
and i wanted to go after her
but dad told me not to
she needed space
he said
i remember once when dad texted her
to try and find her
she texted back
that she was sitting in a field
watching the moon
spread its blankets
i remember a time when i woke up
to the music of my parents fighting
mom was hitting dad
spitting on him
saying he never gave her
money
...he never had any money to give, mom
he spent it all on you
i heard it all
at 4am
and came out of my room
because i heard once more
the melody
of my mother leaving
that oft
haunted me
a refrain
that repeated
more times than i can count
over the years
she was headed for the door
a coat over her arm
her purse in hand
her hair flying in whisps,
sticking to her lips
her eyes were wide
and livid
her face flushed
i grabbed her
i stopped her
i said
mom,
STOP.
you can't
leave.
it's late,
it's cold
the roads
are icy
there are deer out
think about your safety
mom,
we need you
here.
think about
baby jesse.
she stayed
that day.
and then the one that burns
in my memory...
i came into the kitchen
and she was fighting with my older sister
spittle flying from her mouth
as she shouted
one of them
on either end
of the room
a table
inbetween
hands
slashing the air
trying to articulate
neither of them
getting the point
i remember
mom practically throwing a chair at her
i remember
the loud
screaming
ear-drum bursting
roar
of that familiar refrain
it surged through my chest
as mom tried to leave
again
my older sister
is crying
mom is trying
to get to the door
i grab her from behind
she's hysterical
she scratches
at me
i block the door
hold the handle
YOU CAN'T LEAVE
i tell her
she is
incoherent
babbling
screaming
her face is wet
everywhere
i take her to the couch
she tries to fight me off
push me
hit me
scratch me
kick me
but i hold her there.
mom,
we need you here
i say.
i am
crying
as i think about
the seven times
my mom tried to leave
and the one time
she succeeded
for good
i realize
that she is not the victim
she was not the one abused
wronged
used
hurt
how can the abuser
believe
they are the abused
you are no victim
no matter how many people you convince,
mother.
you gave me life
but you took it
at the cusp of my eighteenth year.
i love you,
but it was
your
fault.
this was extremely hard for me to write. i forgot all about that night i restrained her until today. the real victims, mom...are your husband and children. maybe you won't acknowledge it because you feel guilty...but i hope someday you will. all i ever wanted was an apology. i should have known that night when you lost all shred of anything sane you had left, that there was something more wrong with you. we tried to take you to the doctors so many times, mom. you would never go. i love you, and i am sorry.