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332 · Apr 2013
triple-checking
Redshift Apr 2013
seriously though
if those last two poems
weren't enough of a hint...
i'm going to ******* **** you.
just so you know
'n ****.
330 · Nov 2015
stargazing
Redshift Nov 2015
twinkle in the field
looked at my face one second too long
was something there?
i didn't see it
i don't think he likes me
330 · Nov 2014
melted lake
Redshift Nov 2014
today i became small.

just a dot on a campus full of people who don't sit with me at lunch
and small snowflakes that fall to the ground and melt just like i do.

happiness is a conundrum.
with it, i cannot feel content.
when i am sad, i am myself again.

something has changed today -
and it has made me small.
it has shrunk me out of proportion
down to my original size
where i remember what i am.

i remember the way you look from down here.
i remember the tall, garish dollhouse water fountains
and too big tiles for my doll feet
and exaggerated bows for my doll hair.

i am content with cracked surfaces.
i slip into them and feel the warmth of the burning earth below us
and i feel safe
like drinking hot milk when it's snowing outside
melting my insides.

i let you make me small.
i let you make me insignificant.
i like it here.
i remember it here.

my memories waited for me  
to return and lie in the melted lake.
329 · Jul 2015
burning
Redshift Jul 2015
i suddenly long to forget nights.

chasing white pills down the tangle of my throat,
i am disturbed to remember frantic dreams in the waking moments.

i begin to fear that the air is making me sick
in this closed off room where i sleep and dream
where my neck aches and my stomach burns
where he laid the night he touched the string that would undo everything
that kept me standing.

i want the peace that i felt in the white slab of the rubber gloved doctor's room
beeping gently
looking to see what burned
inside of me

they didn't find it
Redshift May 2015
pack up the room of pulsating anxiety.
these walls that are seeped with your hatred will bleed into your delicate spiderweb nightmares no longer, baby.

pack up your clothes, books, shoes, hundreds of papers marked with ideas of how your mind operates
pack up your soiled, tired sheets
covered in mascara and aching disappointment
that hatred that lies on everything like a film of dust
pack it up,
put it away.

and as you fold and pile and scrape, honey
forgive yourself.
forgive the objects.
lay the knife in a box and apologize for the way you used it
whisper sweet nothings to the underwear he removed from you in his bed
tell them it will be ok.
tell them that you won't let him touch them anymore
that you won't let him touch you anymore
that he will not be able to reach you anymore
that all the filmy hatred that left your pores and entered into everything that makes up who you are for an entire ******* year
WILL BE BRUSHED OFF.
WILL BE LEFT BEHIND
IN THIS ROOM OF CRUSHED BONES AND RANCID INSIDES

that you...
you are going to a better place.
you are putting to death the you that lived in this room
that cried in this room
that died in this room
stake it through the heart
cut off the head so it cannot return
mutilate the frightening, hideous, trembling manifestation of yourself that labored in the night
in this
room


in going home for the summer,
return home in your mind.
find that place again, baby.
find it and make a home there.
remove him from you like the parasite that he is.
go home for the summer.

go
home.
i will be different, i will be better, i will stop living under something that has crushed every aspect of my self
328 · Mar 2013
at least facebook misses me
Redshift Mar 2013
well apparently
your facebook
has gone into mourning
glad to know you miss me
on the internet
lawrd,
you're tactful
327 · Feb 2013
reeling
Redshift Feb 2013
i'm losing touch
someone reel me back in
i can't feel
the bottom anymore
i went too far
pull me back
please
i don't want another scar
with your name on it
326 · Apr 2013
rhetorics
Redshift Apr 2013
i remember telling a girl
(maybe
asking her)
"what is there
besides
love?"
i guess there's
mockery
326 · Jul 2015
they
Redshift Jul 2015
why do they care for me so?
is it some trick of the human race
these boys running themselves dry over a fat, small town girl?
is just that out there, somewhere
there are a certain number of people attracted to me
and I for once
am finding them?

and why
why do they do so many bad things to me?
is it simply because they are men
and this is what men know how to do?
****?

he knows what happened to me, and still he pushes boundries.
I punish him with silence.
defeated, I lie facedown in his bed
his hands exploring me...
but without the struggle,
they think it is no fun.

they think there is fun in having something you shouldn't.
they think it is
exciting.

do they think of me
at all
while they do this?
I lie here
unprotected...

they always say they will protect you
but not from their own
harsh
fingers.
323 · Aug 2014
reprecussions
Redshift Aug 2014
sees the cuts on my thigh
still has his way
but it's all fair
i am a tease
322 · Mar 2013
fine isn't good.
Redshift Mar 2013
the bone-crushing
weight
of being late
for everything
is suffocating me
it's been two days
since i could breathe
normally
i'm not even kidding...
projects
undone
papers
unwritten
tests
not taken
money
owed...
you're going to lose
everything
but you've lost it before
you'll be
fine
Redshift Mar 2013
wow
i'm really good
at ending up in the same place
4,000 times over...
all that ****
about lightning not striking twice
is a myth
320 · Feb 2013
Day 190 "Mom"
Redshift Feb 2013
My words ****
Faster than my hands will.
Quick as a lash,
I can't take them back.

I should have been a better daughter
I should have been nicer
I should have tried harder.

But I
didn't.

You won't let me forget what I said
My anger echos in your head

I should have been
nicer.

The cuts on my wrist
Insist
On my insincerity
They wipe the clarity
From my mind.

I cut like a knife
Cutting away life
The yawning stretches of tragedy
Still haunt me.

I don't deserve peace
I don't deserve love
I don't deserve this justice
That you've talked of

Because

it was

all

my

fault.
320 · Feb 2015
dead chest
Redshift Feb 2015
possible to be more traumatized than i was before?
yes.
wondrously.

we're back together but i don't even want to talk to you
because it frightens me
because you don't interest me anymore
because all you hold is the capacity to hurt me more
because i simply don't like you anymore.

but i don't like any of the boys on tinder trying to take me out to coffee, either.

i think i want to be alone.
319 · Feb 2015
one more day
Redshift Feb 2015
i feel the hot edge of hysteria beginning to creep in behind my eyes.
i become very still
tense
poised for flight

i do not wish to go to the doctors, darling.
i do not want them to tell me what i am so afraid is true
can we just pretend
one more day?
318 · Feb 2015
thank you
Redshift Feb 2015
comfort in my bed
in my phone
in the text that you sent me
that didn't say goodbye
but meant it.
318 · Feb 2015
complex design
Redshift Feb 2015
i am not flowery.
i am not poetic.
there are many more adept than me.

i simply wish to express
the best i can through the language that i am confined in
the truth of emotions
the purity of rage.
the truth is
that the truth is
of complex design
317 · Mar 2014
i am a good liar
Redshift Mar 2014
"it's ok"
i whisper to my arm
with the new scar
waiting to dry
"it's ok"
i whisper to my cheeks
with the salty tears
waiting to dry
"it's ok"
i say to the moon
without a face
waiting to die
"it's ok"
i whisper myself
with the cuts
waiting to die
315 · Dec 2014
christmas 2014
Redshift Dec 2014
empty carcass christmas
green in every way
(green around
the gills)
christmas tree is just something we killed and stuffed and hung up
just like the love
my mother claimed she had for me

just a photo on a ***** refrigerator that i never look at

merry christmas.
312 · Aug 2014
kitten calender: march 2014
Redshift Aug 2014
it's like my life froze in the month of march.

she came in like a lion and centered my entire universe around one person
instead of centering myself
in this universe
that constantly bucks back and forth
trying to tip me off balance...

it finally succeeded.

my compass abandoned ship on the way down
and when i woke up
i realized i didn't know where i was
and had no means of setting a course

now all i have is a boy.
and i don't know where i'm going with him
i don't know how i got to a place where another human is the center for my gravity

i wonder if the sun ever thinks
"how did i end up here?
revolving around some toxic earth...
tricked into giving it warmth?"

my calender has cemented to the wall
march 2014
dusty
abandoned
i stopped noticing the passing of months
or caring

i don't know where my life is going
i'm no longer the one that navigates.
312 · Feb 2013
Postulations
Redshift Feb 2013
I am hereby
Going to be a degenerate
All my life
I hope you won't mind

....I don't.
312 · Feb 2014
i say i like it but i don't
Redshift Feb 2014
after he tries to be sweet
but the moment is gone
i don't want to be touched
311 · Sep 2014
white walls
Redshift Sep 2014
i keep thinking how interesting the inside of my head would look agains my dorm room wall
the taste of cold metal in my mouth
i imagine it would be
quite a sight
Redshift Jul 2016
"we can't keep having these conversations."

as if it is i who lies in bed beside me and talks to those girls in your phone
309 · Feb 2013
63 days with out you.
Redshift Feb 2013
I'm alright
As long as I don't care
I'm ok
As long as I remember
That nothing is ever fair.

I'm just fine
Until you toe the line
Your last dive
Shattered
Our lives.

My family is good
My life's been fun
Ask me one more time...
And I'll have to run.
I can't answer that
I'm not ready
I'm flat
lining
crying
trying
defying.

I remember my family
And how it used to be
I'd rather keep the screaming
And the demeaning
Than trade it for this
Mom, you're killing me
And sealing it
With a hug and a kiss.

You're asking too much
You've stolen our love
I can't agree...


Mommy,

don't you

remember

me?
309 · Jun 2015
cloying
Redshift Jun 2015
that bridge is long burnt
embers floating away
in the water
the current
dispelling the nightmare

but i still remember the bridge.
and when i see a stretch of water i feel the ghost of it there
clinging to the dirt and the undergrowth

i know it was there.
and it frightens
me
306 · Nov 2014
birth mother
Redshift Nov 2014
there is something ugly about the way you refuse to look at me
something pathetic and guilty and pious.

you refuse to look at me like i'm something you've never seen before
some hideous insect you found under a rock that surprised you
not like you were actually the first person to see me
the first to touch me
the one that carried me in the embrace of your stomach for nine months

the nine months that you took care of me
perfectly.

only because your body did it
naturally
once dispelled
i was on my own.
305 · Dec 2017
sativa
Redshift Dec 2017
i've been chasing laughter in **** rips
and pipe hits
for a week now
addicted to that loose,
wild, inexplicable euphoria
a level of artificial joy
that i can't seem to reach any longer
on my own
and i'm fine with it fake
like i'm fine with fake christmas trees now
(though my 8 year old self
would quake
at the thought)
i understand that it's cheaper
easier
less mess,
less maintenance
and though i'll always miss the authenticity
the smell, the feel
i see the charm
in the illusion
now
305 · Mar 2014
how to be human
Redshift Mar 2014
i think sometimes you just have to deal with being scared.
you just have to accept that being scared is being human
(an infinitesimal dot on a map)...
that though you are small you are not powerless
and though sometimes you can't talk because you are crying
or because you are afraid
it is ok
the things you feel work just as good as words
sometimes.

i think sometimes
even when big parts of us are frightened
we have to listen to the little part that says stay

i am glad i stayed.
though i am still frightened
i will learn to live with my fear
i am just a small human
but i am a big spirit.
305 · Jul 2014
mind frames
Redshift Jul 2014
they want to know why your hair falls out

too many trapped thoughts
they creep into the roots
poison them
they
fall
out
red strands
everywhere
fistful at a time
hair thinning
mind winning
i am tired
304 · Nov 2015
dc
Redshift Nov 2015
dc
do i really prefer blind adoration over quality
because i am frightened to not be the one in control
of who leaves who
303 · Mar 2013
cut-out hearts
Redshift Mar 2013
hearts should be
cut out
before they start to break
because once broken
i can never find all the little pieces
to dig out
they get lost
in my chest
in his pocket
and i can't ever
get rid of
it all
302 · Dec 2015
fat girl league
Redshift Dec 2015
i like you because i was taught that you are too good for me
and am blessed that you look at my face a little too long.

there is no real connection.
you're ******* boring
but i let you talk to me
because you are
pretty
300 · Dec 2014
empty vessels
Redshift Dec 2014
having trouble sleeping lately.

the crater in my wrist i made with the hot point of a lighter
wants me to crawl in
sleep among the blood vessels
thinking maybe they'll heal my empty chest
Redshift Mar 2013
my stomach
is punishing me
for every bite
every swallow
i wonder if
it's supposed to
hurt this much
297 · Dec 2015
parallel
Redshift Dec 2015
turn right and think about happiness
as my broken sneakers walk me toward a mirror-image in the dark window.
i have never been so grateful to be away from someone
never so thankful that my biggest problem is an annoying girl
i almost giggle in my play
avoiding her in the halls
such trivial problems
am i allowed to be a child
now?
297 · Mar 2015
advice for the next girl
Redshift Mar 2015
don't ever let
the hand you hold
hold you down
rip your underwear
turn a deaf ear
to your crying
to the way you say
no
over
and over
don't let your boyfriend
take it
he is not
entitled
get away from him

hurry
so it doesn't happen to her
295 · May 2014
poets
Redshift May 2014
they have not words
to strike a competitive pose
against ours
but they do the best with what they have.
295 · Sep 2014
darkness
Redshift Sep 2014
do not be afraid of the dark.

the darkness cannot comprehend you.

do not swallow the dark.

it will consume you.

do not welcome it

it will take your offer

gladly

too late to run from it

it leaks out the corner of your eyelids

the corners of your mouth

the vacant ink cartridges.

do you remember how it felt to be whole

to be holy

to be sacred

do you remember how it felt to be pure

were you

ever?
291 · Mar 2013
well there's your answer
Redshift Mar 2013
oh
so
this is you
asking me
if i give a ****
well
if i did
i would probably
separate
the lights from the darks
when i do my laundry
but
i
don't
291 · Jun 2015
blocked
Redshift Jun 2015
maybe it would have hurt if you said goodbye.
as is, i feel a hollowness but nothing more.
no need to pursue
no need to frantically call you
text you
message you
beg you
i have no need
no need
no need
please
please
please
let me let me
let me
get what i want this time
290 · Dec 2014
realization
Redshift Dec 2014
trembling
shaking
horror
freezing cold on your couch at 4am
i discovered that you are a monster.
something that i knew when i first met you
but ignored.

i will hit my head
until it stops remembering
and saying

you should have known
you should have known
you should have ******* known
290 · Nov 2017
sisters
Redshift Nov 2017
we do look after each other.
regardless of any competition:
your body, hair, clothes
the angles you get in your selfies.
the comments you get on your instagram.
regardless of anything.
regardless of whatever persona you adopt on facebook,
however seductive you choose to be,
however much attention you seek.
we do look after one another.

so many women tried to tell me about him.
women he convinced me not to respect
women i convinced myself not to respect
merely because he chose to look at them
so intensely
my jealousy
turned to hatred
when really
the fishnets, the makeup, the cleavage
they are my sisters.
they are my protectors.
and i hated them.

it was never her fault.
she was never the *****, she was never the ****.
i don't give a **** what pictures she posted.
she was not to blame.

and i see now.
i see that what you did with me
what you said to me,
all lines fed through a machine
all carefully constructed
(not to each girl, just for each situation)
you got out of it all.
the ultimate yes-man
fine-tuned to say anything,
everything any woman wants to hear.

i see it so blatantly now.
and yes, i still shake a little.
my fingers go cold and my arms get numb
and i feel that dull ache in my chest
but **** any tear that tries to find a way out
i don't have any more for you.

i know how you loved them
how you gorged on my love-sick tears
but you will get nothing
loving
from me

not anymore.
289 · Nov 2015
chris 3
Redshift Nov 2015
your eyes are cool steely pools
of pure ***

the drunk man says
what the sober man thinks?
284 · Mar 2013
42
Redshift Mar 2013
42
today someone told me
that they don't like my work
because it doesn't rhyme
poetry is supposed to rhyme
they said
that's what makes it
poetry
i looked at him
and said

                                                life


­doesn't


                                                               ­                                           **rhyme
“The only thing you can do easily is be wrong, and that's hardly worth the effort.”
284 · Nov 2017
the butcher
Redshift Nov 2017
i still sometimes hold my wrist over a candle flame
a second or two too long.
i flick lighters playfully while i'm on the phone
or sitting at my desk -
let the flame burn the metal guard until it's scalding,
gingerly finger the hot metal once it cools
a little.

i hand the jack knife who's sole purpose
for these past six years
has been that of a butcher
to friends who sit kindly on my bed,
trying to open boxes from home.

and i still long for that butcher's comfort.

i still miss the bite of hot metal,
the searing pain of lit matches.

and if they didn't leave scars,
i know i would indulge:
like a sweet candy
that i've been told isn't good for me.
Redshift Nov 2017
i know how dangerous self-hatred is.
i'm not ******* stupid.
but how many more mistakes
how many more men
before i cut myself away
completely

what do i do
when i keep whittling down
trying to find the bone, the truth
trying to find something that's ******* constant, reliable
understandable
trying to ******* understand
the intricacies
trying to find something
******* simple
for once

i know how dangerous this is
i know how blood seeps
i know how that emptiness
aches
i know
i ******* know.

but i can't help but hate
every inch of me
you touched
and this hatred
this disgust
is so tangible
you could cut it
with a knife
281 · Nov 2017
lucifer
Redshift Nov 2017
they say my art has abusive undertones,
lit up on the projector in class.
my mouth tied
like a bow
ashamed,
speechless
wishing it would stop bleeding
through my images.

i called you an angel,
Gabriel.
my angel.

i really believed
that if there was a god
he was instrumental in your sudden
appearance
that if anything was ever going to go right for me
it was you
that december
that christmas

and now i sweat you out
like the demon that you are
labor in the night,
screaming
waiting for my rebirth,
contracting.

i called you an angel,
Gabriel.
i told them
you were
an
angel
280 · Nov 2015
chris
Redshift Nov 2015
it's been a while since i've felt worthless.

you didn't do it on purpose

been a while since i cared

if someone liked another girl better

this sounds like a bad taylor swift song

but the sinking energy

and the sleepy ache

the tired unhappiness

i remember it

i usually cried

i don't cry anymore

because no one matters to me

least of all you

i knew i couldn't have you

i don't get to have things that are pretty or worthwhile

too ugly

too sad.
280 · Jan 2015
preserved
Redshift Jan 2015
cocooned in march 2014.
i expanded and never left the nest that i suddenly found myself in
that i created
(i am only
to blame)

as time goes by
the walls solidify
locking me in
with
**him
he frightens me
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