black-eyed child of the morning
sings blue-eyed hymns in the afternoon,
chokes on black water at night
pouring from the ceiling
depression waterboarding her small cheeks.

black-eyed child of the morning
paints red smiles on her thighs
running down her knees
heaven on her mind
looking for the tormentor in the ceiling.

blue-eyed child in the afternoon
lets sunshine soak up her irises
turning the light rose-colored
laughs drunkenly just under the
feedback
lies in bed and finds worlds in her mind
stroking their edges
closing her eyes

black-armed child of the night
resurfacing at last
shaking on the mattress
talking
screaming
to her thoughts
telling them to stop
trembling under the black water ceiling
crying because she's suffocating
begging because there is no choice

black-eyed child,
blue-eyed sometimes...
beggars can't be choosers

i miss him.

why do i miss him?
how
can i miss him
after everything?

one dream last night, after weeks and months of torture
and i remember the good parts
and these new boys will not do
i stop letting them talk to me
i miss him
i miss that man that took advantage of my innocence.
i truly miss him.
and right now,
in this moment
i know i would take him back.

i wear ancient friendship anklets
chipped toenail polish, a gritty smile on my face
sunshine seeping under my fingernails i
walk on the top of the railguard and look down
over and over
teetering.

see the ditch,
see the road,
see the trees.
can't see the forest but i see the trees
and i feel a nearness to the wild undergrowth
missing that blank, trodden look of a ground too often explored
i crouch in the ferns and remember the feeling that i lost.

hair smelling like wind and earth and sky
fists against the trunk of the tree
in a forest i can't see
i fight the bigness of it all
i fight against the all encompassing picture that threatens to lose me
lose this tree
i chip off the bark and put it in my pocket.
lose the tree,
but still have
a piece

i stand in a forest that i refuse to see
comforting the trees
battling the sky
screaming at the crowded leaves
dead friendship anklets
dragging
me

i have always been frightened of people.
after mom left, it was angry white women that scared me
their dead eyes staring while their mouths worked furiously -
i couldn't even watch an actress scream on t.v. without my mother slipping in under her hairline.

i am still scared of angry white women.
but now i am scared of men, too.
anyone who believes themselves privileged
to be near me
to breathe my air and look at my body
and demand that i give them attention
they too frighten me.
and i no longer allow them near.

i will let you talk, because that is what you do.
i will allow you to look, because i cannot stop you.
i will allow you small pieces of myself
because i no longer feel anything
but i will never
ever
feel anything for you.

and if you get in too deep
if you like me too much
if you begin to love me
i will cut you off
and feel nothing.

because moose was right
i don't deserve him
no one deserves him
and the ugly, dripping animal that sleeps in his disarming chest
no one deserves to lose everything
for the mere excuse "i just can't control myself around you."

you can.
and you should have.
keep your poison out of my mouth,
and out of my veins.

the critics tell me to be more poetic.

i admit that it is hard to smell the roses and stare up at blue skies
while cradling the hollow, echoing black hole that boy left me with;
it is hard to walk through meadows and think convoluted thoughts.
it is really just hard
to enjoy anything
these days.

instead of telling you what happened to me
i guess i could make it a metaphor
use nature
and frightening, twisting black words
to paint a landscape.
so you truly blessed, poetic ones
would respect me and what happened.

this is for you shakespeares
who need metaphor
to truly understand horror.

my life is a perfect confusion of pure, childlike, listless happiness
big smiling cheeks and full hearts that break because they are too happy
and a howling, screaming, heaving, ugly beast that hides in my shadow
that no one can know
towering over my small frame
wrapping his spindly arms around my torso
ripping into my stomach
voice dripping in my ear
that's a good girl
drooling on my shoulder
the monster trevor constructed for me
out of all his horror films
and naked women
and rough, rough fingers.

i hug everyone too tightly
my ghost body trembling to cling to something
someone
but too thin
not real enough to stay near anything too long.
it drifts away and stops replying to messages
lies in the corner of the green room that once frightened it
and waits for more wrong to be committed.
begs for every word
every wound
every scrap
waif-dog, waif-girl, gouge that cannot dissipate.

how much must i say
to get this terror out of me
to make this heaving monster leave my chest
how many poems must i write about a ****** that i loved
how many times must i doubt
how many times must i apologize
how many times must i cry
till it all comes out
till he leaves me alone at night
till i am able to not be frightened anymore?

how much must i say
and in what manner
for you to understand me
respect me
love me?

this beast cracks his way into my bones
and i will not be a daisy-chain rough-footed child much longer
i need you to find me
i need you to help me
i need you
to hide
me
in a secret place.

there are a lot of people in the world that you don't need
and that don't need you
but i have never been good at figuring out who those people are.
i let all of them stay
and pull me, drag me, **** me
back and forth and up and down until suddenly
they are telling me they love me
and i am saying it back
because there's nothing else that can be done.

my head and my heart know that i don't truly love them like they love me
and that in the end i will stop replying to messages
and make up excuses for months
and months
and months
until they just stop trying
and that i will end up hurting them more by allowing them to love me and then leaving
but i cannot close myself off to them.
i have declared myself public property
everyone gets a piece of me
to place their country's flag
divide me up like a chocolate bar
eat me in one melted bite.

i wonder when there will be nothing left
to give.