lost the sacred part of life in my twenties
because knowing that i participated in a normal act comforts the crater in my chest
where i was ripped from normalcy by my mother the month i was supposed to graduate highschool.

society has a real effect on people.
like rocks and minerals deep under pressure and intense heat i formed
in the magma pocket of this culture
pressured into fusing what was born inside of me
with what i was made into.

all these silent rules that drop and fall like dinner plates my mother threw
hot food splashing our arms
spittle flying from her lips as she screamed
just things that were put in place before i existed
just rules that i can hear crash
and feel burn
but just watch
silently
as they rage
by me

i wonder what it would be like to not know the rules.
to not understand what wasn't "ok"
or expected of me.
i wonder if i would still like the things i like
or let myself sit in prison dorm rooms and cry over a relationship i deeply don't care about.

i can feel the fringe of society
the frayed edge that begs for someone to cut away the loose strands
i see it
i feel it
i know it
but i do not wish to sever it.

cast not thine pearls before swine
bare not your heart
to fools.

don't show him the twisted, living coil that hides inside -
the innerworkings of your insecurities
he will not find them illustrious.

my worst fear
is to be thought
dramatic

don't ever let
the hand you hold
hold you down
rip your underwear
turn a deaf ear
to your crying
to the way you say
no
over
and over
don't let your boyfriend
take it
he is not
entitled
get away from him

hurry

labeled by the personality test i took for you
hoping you would understand the ticking in my mind
the blurred, erratic lines
that make me nauseous.

you don't even try.
you don't care for the beautiful wavelength that i bleed onto
alone
tired
waif-like

i just want a boy who cares about the noble tangle
the poetic fight for my life
that i begin every time i awake
still alive
the delicate balance the tension in my neck
maintains

i just wanted you
to give
a ****

slippery
body-less.
mind weaving back and forth
making me see-sick.

every grade i've ever received
branded into my skin
birth defects my mother left me.
every huge C on my forehead
every tiny A, hiding under my arms
every moderate B on my stomach.

panic.
panic.
have to be better
have to be greater
have to be smarter
funnier
happier
prettier
better.
have to be better.
have to be better to save daddy.

work harder.

panic.

possible to be more traumatized than i was before?
yes.
wondrously.

we're back together but i don't even want to talk to you
because it frightens me
because you don't interest me anymore
because all you hold is the capacity to hurt me more
because i simply don't like you anymore.

but i don't like any of the boys on tinder trying to take me out to coffee, either.

i think i want to be alone.

weeks ago i was beautiful because you owned me.

tonight i am beautiful because you don't know what you're missing.

tonight i will kiss someone
and you will no longer be the only one who has tasted the liqueur of my lips
or perceived the garden that sleeps around my neck like a jewel.

tonight, another man will sample the variety of decedent wonders
that you took from me
forcefully
crushing
the crystals
and ripping
the satin

tonight
someone more gentle than you
will receive
the glory that i have to bestow
the power and pulsating, vibrating music in my walk
in the sway of my full hips

tonight
you
don't
know
what you're missing.