stomach pregnant and distended with the weight of calories consumed
sending sharp pains shooting

empty stomach acid gnawing at my intestines
feels better than this

everything echoes mother.

the paranoia.
the ****** abuse
the tears
the screaming
the threats
the self-hatred
the abandonment.

do i understand her more now that i am her?
the only thing i understand is that i
like her
am weak
her actions no more justifiable than before
but her state of mind
the frantic chase of terrified, irrational thoughts littering her brain
i now understand
and feel
the
fear

hope you read my poetry now
you *******

maybe you''ll understand how i've felt for the last year
for ******* once

i'll give you
mindgames

i fill my hollow stomach with hateful words that i spit at you
from the swamp of self-induced numbness that i stand in
ankle deep
even my self pity
is shallow

blood will bring me back

cocooned in march 2014.
i expanded and never left the nest that i suddenly found myself in
that i created
(i am only
to blame)

as time goes by
the walls solidify
locking me in
with
**him

the human mind frightens me.
i wish i knew less of what was in yours

what electric letters dart across the thick white pages
hatred
and self loathing
and always,
always pity...

the sick part of you that takes pleasure in hanging the deprivation of my innocence around my neck
the albatross i shot the day your hand was rough against me.

always my fault.
forever the blame lies at my feet
like a tired, attention-seeking dog

i deserved what happened to me.

one year since i made the worst decision of my life
(worse than ryan ever was.)

2014, the year i was molested
the year i decorated my arms and thighs
with a knife
and a cigarette lighter.

2014, a year of ups and downs
commemorated by the first time you shoved your hand down my pants, held my face down on your ****, pushed me up against a wall with your hand up my shirt

...how does one celebrate such a year?
dinner?
a movie?
flowers?
gifts?
more *** that i don't want?

sounds about right.

excuse me if i don't feel like
celebrating,
boyfriend.