I've written a thousand words to you a millions different ways.
But your friendship cannot be described.
Your smile and the way it lifts my soul,
Your humor and the way it brings a smile to my face.
Your hugs and the peace they bring,
Your words and the comfort they give.
You remind me of my dad. The same critical thinking and opinionated positions. The same quiet as I relay my thought process. The same position you sit in as you listen and prepare to respond.

You remind me everyday that life is worth living. Because without it I wouldn't have met you.

You keep me fighting and your beautiful, incredible disposition reminds me to keep fighting.

I still get butterflies thinking about you. About the way it felt to paint you, about the way it felt to share my books with you and read your insight. About sending my first piece to you.

I still smile when I look through old messages and smile at pictures of you and your experiences.

I am so happy for you. For your growth and your love and your happiness. I have never met anyone who deserved it more. You deserve the world. Spread before you. You are an unstoppable Force of amazing.

I miss you. I wish I could see you more. Hug you more. See your smile more. You literally gave me a second chance at life. You still do. Though you don't realize it.

I write a thousand poems to you for you about you. You inspire me to live on. Stand up. You inspire me to live harder and think deeper. I genuinely don't know where I'd be had you not messaged me.

Thank you. And as always it is 10:27 pm... And I love you. Stay so perfectly you, my dear.

I met you and knew I would spend eternity with you. I knew I'd roll over every morning and see your half awake smile and messed up curls and know it was worth cashing in every bit of good luck I had left. In fact we wed. Through triumph and failure we made it work and tied the knot. And now within weeks I feel as though my life with you is crumbling. Like I can't do anything right.

I fought through everything we argued over and compromised my life to be with you. I gave up hopes and dreams and suffered through hardships. But tonight... I don't know anymore. I don't know what to do. You hit me. You broke me. You told me to get out and smacked me. My face still stings from the pain. Is still warm from where your hand met my face. You make me want to die. You have pulled up anxieties I had long since buried. I am scared of you. I am scared you will find someone better. I am scared you will leave me and now I am scared that I'll mess up and you'll beat me...

The crazy part is I don't know if I'll stay. I want to because I love you but I don't know if I can live in that fear again... I don't know if I can continue to live in that fear...

No one would care,
If I left like the air leaves my lungs after a kiss.
I'm a burden
A choice people regret as soon as they fully understand the consequences
I'm a wish people want to take back
A soul forever lost in a sea of never being enough.
I'm loved
The same way you love a painting in a museum, from a distance and with no real understanding of what it means...
A flame forever sought until it burns the skin, only to be put out again.

Sometimes I just want ***,
I want to feel your lips on my neck
And your hand on my breast.

Sometimes I just want love,
I want your arms wrapped around me,
Embraced in your touch.

Sometimes I just want to be acknowledged,
I want to know that when I talk
You hear me.

Sometimes I just want to know,
Know that you appreciate me,
Want to be around me, near me.

I want to know that I'm not cloaked in invisibility.

He kisses one, two, three
Up my neck and on my cheeks,
His lips lingering on my jaw bone,
His breath like a drug.

I shouldn't be here with him,
He doesn't belong in my bed.
But his heartbeat fills the room,
My head heavy on his chest.

I don't know how it happened,
How his fingers laced themselves through my hair,
How he was able to break through the walls,
And with one push make them all fall.

I shouldn't be here with him.
My head on his bare chest.
The smell of sweat,
The sensation of overwhelming regret.

No, not regret.
Falling,
I know I can't catch my self anymore.
I've hit the floor and his smile,
His smile has taken over my soul.
I've fallen in love.

I shouldn't be here with him.
Yet here I am.

The smell of your clean shirt and showered skin mix with the smell of the recent cigarette you smoked.

The taste of it burns my mouth,
I cant, dont want to stop your lips against mine, moving down my skin, your hands reaching up.
Fingers laced through my hair.

The air is gone, sweat and pleasure in my lungs, our tongues intertwined.
Our bodies pressed close,
As though if we move too far apart,
We may not get the chance to feel each others skin again.

I wait for you to stop,
To realize we are but a struck match.
A flame that burns only bright enough to die.
Barely slow enough to catch.
That time has stopped progressing and eaten us alive.

Trust.
A monosyllabic word that so easily crumbles at the feet of man.
A word that unlocks gates to guarded hearts and refortifies them when broken.
A word that builds friendships, families... Lovers.
A word that reaches into your chest and rips from your ribs a bleeding heart.

Trust.
Delicate, fragile, breakable.
Given away only to be given back in tatters.

I lie awake, the silence of the old house unnatural
Unbearable.
My eyes won't close and the clock ticks by
35
36
37
Another moment and ill need to be up.
Starting again the overwhelming urge to step in front of a bus.
The overwhelming urge to overdose on insulin or slice my wrist just a little too deep.
I wake up to this feeling of death.
It greets me
Welcomes me.
Knows me now by name.
It hold my hand and comforts my soul,
Reminding me it will always be there to catch me if I fall
When I fall
For I will fall.
I have never been able to imagine my life after 25, and this year it was thirty but never after that.
The rate at which my vision increases is disproportionate to the rate in which my inability to see the future increases.
I feel lonely and overwhelmed and in a constant state of misery.

I feel alone. And like if I tried hard enough, maybe people would come to the funeral when I die.

I hope it rains the day they bury you six feet deep.
I hope it pours, so no one can see my tears as they stain the ground.
I hope there's thunder so no one can hear my heart shattering and the sobs that shake me.
I hope there are clouds blocking out the sun as a reminder that you were our Ray of light, now forever gone.
I hope it rains.
I hope it rains so I don't have to look at a perfectly beautiful day and not have you to share it with.
I hope it rains.

Dear hypocrite.
Dear man who drinks to forget how empty he is inside, while he coaches other on how to over come addiction. Who takes it out on those closest to him. Who looks for an argument to make himself feel better.
Dear misogynist,
Thank you for teaching me yet again to trust no one.
For teaching me that as a woman my views are worth nothing. That I am worth nothing. That my insecurities are yours for the pickings when you don't like how I take that drink out of your hand. When I try and get you home safely.
Dear *******,
Thank you for proving to my husband that you are nothing more than a power monger who uses derogatory remarks to tear those around you down until they grovel at your feet begging for your unwarranted forgiveness. For proving your superiority complex. Your need to be the best.

Dear friend.
Well maybe you once were. But are no more. I hope you find what you're looking for. I hope you don't tear yourself apart before you get there. Drink yourself into Oblivion.
But I cant watch anymore. I have my own life to protect.

Arguments are battle fields.
Our tongues the swords,
Our words the fatal injuries.

The scene plays out as strategy in the tents.
Your men versus his.
You pick the casualties from his side,

Ego,
Pride,
Trust.

He picks his from yours.

The blood, warm, soaks the earth between you.
Desperation in his eyes.
Mercy in yours gone.

You pick up your weapon,
He flies his white flag.
Afraid, he surrenders.

But he walked into battle,
And you take no prisoners.

You swing your axe.
His blood runs down your arms.
His body falls.
His head rolls at your feet.

You lift your head.
You're back.
Blue couch,
White walls.
Black fan.

He sits in front of you,
His face as though he's been slapped.

He started a war,
You finished.
No white flags allowed.

The labored breath clued me in,
It was time to say goodbye.
I took you to the vet that day,
They took some blood and ran some tests.

A couple days went by,
It just got worst,
But you waited until we were home.
You made it through the night that night snuggled in my arms.
The next day a call was made, they'd be there at 4.

The vet that came was nice enough but you didnt seem to care, your eyes were on me the whole time as she trimmed off some of your hair.
We put it in a vessel then laid you in my lap,
The needle didnt hurt much you didnt even flinch,
And moments later you were gone.
A spirit in the wind.

I've cried for days and weeks now, I still do every now and then.
My life just isn't quite the same with out you around.

I hope your happy out there, where ever you may be,
I hope you don't mind waiting there for me.
I'll see you soon my sammy bud,
My best friend, my life.

I am swallowed by the world around me,
I feel lost, transient.
I am small and fragile, my emotions barely a quake in the ground.
Can any one even feel them?
I dont trust well, the bones I'm made from shake with inconsistencies
I can feel your bad intentions, your chaos.
I am perceptive I can see the pain you suffer when you lash out.
But I dont know how to help.
Useless to these feelings I have no way to help.
My brain jumps, following the next scene in line of sight.

Alexander Scriabin - Poeme Op. 32 # 1

The young man sits down to play, impressed his date wants to hear him play a piece so close to his heart.

Nervous he breathes, praying that he remembers it well enough to amaze her. His fingers begin to dance upon the keys, he's content with how he does.

She is amazed. This man who challenges her, has picked her brain about humanity, and makes her feel like she's the only person in the world, can play a melody so sweet her heart breaks.

She doesn't realize it's a date. But she's in love with the way his hand shakes at the end. The glow in his eyes, pride obvious when she claps.

She has to tell him no when he asks for a kiss. He's perfect but that song will always remind her of the man who tore her heart out, the one who made her not want to exist.

The young man is perfect and in another life they'd have met under better circumstances.

Today,
They said there was hope.
They checked your heart with a beeping machine and watched it pound on the screen.

Today,
You smiled.
I joked you looked like you had mouth gear on with the tube down your throat.

Today,
I cried.
I feel you slipping and while I want to believe that you'll come back to us, you are already being taken.

I fear that tomorrow won't come for you, for us. Our lives together will diverge.

I only hope to join you again.

Mint gum reminds me of the smoke from your lungs,
The taste of burnt tar on your tongue.

Mint gum reminds me of your fingers on my cheek,
Of the kisses that would sneak down my neck.

Mint gum reminds me of your voice as it yells over an open window,
Conversations lost in the dark.

For a moment I saw our faces
in the wrinkles of my sheets.
I saw your lips slip into mine,
Watched as your fingers caressed my cheek.
I could almost feel your touch,
As you pushed the hair back from my face.
I closed my eyes and felt it flush-
I took the feeling in.
But, when I awoke, the stupor gone,
You were no longer there.

Faces melt together like ice cream in the summer.
I am in a constant state of trying to decipher chocolate from vanilla,
The taste I want then and the one I don't.

Friends tend to let me down a lot. They tend to harm me more than help.
They tell me that they want the best and then leave me when I ask for help. I've started to pick friends based on how they react to me not wanting to be around.

Not everyone can eat vanilla all the time.
Sometimes I need a different flavor

There's this guy I ghosted,
He reminded me of you.
Anxious, quirky, really into technology.

He still reminds me every day how great I am.
Even though I haven't responded in days.

I have only just met him and already he says
"I would give up the world for you"
I want to believe him.

But he does not like me.
He like who I became with you.
He likes that I play civ and he doesn't have to explain what a pi hole is.
He likes that I 3D print and can be IT to my own computer.

But maybe that's who I am now.
I'm this weird mess of us.
And maybe I will be forever.