We do things
in hopes of the
perpetual tangibility
of happiness
trying to seize
as many days
as we can before
the winter comes
and leaves us with
picturesque backdrops
in front of which
our hearts freeze and break
because we rubbed them too hard
in trying to keep each other
warm

The statistical impossibility of our births is something that hurts even more when your parents aren't fit for the role as such and you grow up in this haze of if and when. Of "If I catch you, when I catch you", and you learn to run faster than any Olympian but you're too afraid of going to practice because you know your parents will be there and you are a prize, something to be marveled at, and you are breakable and replaceable and you know the second you do wrong, like when you lost the spelling bee on the word Massachusetts, they will be there for you. You will always remember that there are two T's at the end because there's no way to escape the brand on your soul of making a mistake in their eyes. Parents will always be there for you.

But so will vultures when you die.
But so will death, waiting for you to make a mistake.

We are all planets
wanderers in an
endless waltz
across the canvases
of the cosmos
trying to find the
nearest star to
provide warmth
and light
to support the life
within and
we sometimes get
sunburned and
we sometimes get
frozen
but
the endless vacuum
seems a lot less desperate
when we are in synchronous
orbit with
one another

I've got a heartbeat
that's irregular
like the narrative
strings on which
I have danced
throughout my
brief time here
so far

I need an archaeologist
who is willing to sift
through the rubble
of my life
and piece together
the narrative
of my existence
and brush off
the old and dusty
artifacts that
I've forgotten to
look at in years
and tell me
how to brush off the
cobwebs and spiders
without getting
bit.

Sometimes late
at night when I'm
mostly sure no one
is watching,
I like to close my eyes
and breathe deeply
through my nose in hopes
that maybe I could catch
the comforting smell
of death in the air
because decay is the only
thing that reminds me
of you and
your crumbled leaf
psyche,
a reminder that
we'll all be dust some day

I sometimes catch
my eyes and mind
latching onto the
Autumn leaves
all bathed in the
inherent frailty of
change between
life and death
and I remember how
beautifully you crumbled
like a forgotten statue
of a forgotten temple
with only rubble
and dead leaves
crunching underfoot
as reminders of what was.

Is it really
any wonder that
our ancestors
looked at the
celestial sphere
they saw the seemingly
random array of stars
and instead of feeling
meaningless created
a narrative of
constellations
flinging
Orion
Taurus
and Ursa
at the temple walls
that make up our
night sky,
ever moving but
staying the same

I tend to suffer
from bouts of
paranoia
that only seem to
get worse as
my days get better
as though my
subconscious needs
something
anything
of which
I should be
afraid
to maintain
equilibrium

I've spent more time
than usual lately
thinking about friends
who became strangers
and I feel a mix of
sadness and anger
when I let myself go
and forget that
we are all in a perpetual
state of flux
and the space we occupy is
only as temporary
as the nights we spent together laying
on blankets under the stars
and hiding out in your mom's car
that you finally got to borrow since your
sister was out of town for the weekends
and I always am too busy mourning
my newfound stranger group
that I never remember to
remember those to whom
I became a stranger for some reason
or another
as there is no emotional profit
in counting those you've left
only those who left you
matter
in this great wheel
of organic existence