Eternal Infinite Living One,
well, many thanks again for
the cooling rain of yesterday
and today, and for
the tears of goodbye
I felt welling up during the day,
even if they were propelled
by my daily fantasy of a
life I do not lead,
of an older actor finally
realizing his time has come
to stop making movies,
recalling all the hassles and troubles
he met in performing,
and missing just these the most,
now, this is the wonder of life,
that one ends up being grateful
for it's difficulties and less for
it's joys, that's the way you work
in us, because the hardships
give us more than the soft successes,
and in the meanwhile
the winds of the world breathe
a new chill, carrying
the next lessons and exercises,
and a new death with a newborn life.
Have a drink with a drop of my tears!

Eternal Infinite Living One,
can I thank you for my fate
and at the same time curse it?
Well, I do.
You can just go **** yourself
if you think I can't.
So sorry for that,
but it had to come out.
It's like a release of a constipation
I'm suffering lately.
Jesus, one of your friends,
once said: what comes out
is more important than
what goes in,
your kingdom within me
is being assaulted by unknown
enemies, who smoke
dried animal and human excrement,
and not a quality cigar,
well, I wish I was on this
exploratory expedition with
two camels carrying my cigars,
and not looking for your light
with a lantern.
May I pray to you again
for courage, patience and determination,
in finding the route inside me,
and bringing out whatever
cache of preciousness
is hidden there.
Jewel, shine!

Eternal Infinite Living One,
the bubbling source under my feet
will produce something to write,
and, yes, there it comes:
thanks for the dream this morning,
in which I was back at the farm
and met with a total chaos
of events and people,
me cleaning up a self made mess,
lots of paper towels,
reprimanding a person who
took soft drinks from a table,
morphing from an old man in tattered clothes
into a young blond man
and who looked at me like,
who are you to decide,
finding a copper ring,
with a flat piece sticking forward,
fitting it on to my little finger,
discovering I couldn't lock my bike,
looking up and seeing the whole farm
renovated, a large roof on poles
over an open space,
waving goodbye to the young guy
I worked with on Saturdays,
emptying my pockets of animal toys,
and finally leaving, stepping around
an open pit,
well, how's that for a goodbye,
and afterward stumbling out of bed,
unsure of my footing.
All this after a terrible aching
of my intestines yesterday,
the smartest ***** of man,
the gut is the winding path
to God, and releases all that
should be released,
and takes in what should be
digested, cramping whenever
what has to go out is kept inside.
Mind is the Holy Spirit, Gut is the Father,
and the son, well, that's us,
our hearts, that surprise
with all their twists and turns.
Beware to be where you are!

Eternal Infinite Living One,
again the words don't come easy,
forcing myself to write,
well, here they come:
thanks for the relaxed game of tennis
yesterday, and after that
the meal with a friend,
who is going away on vacation
for a month and whom I'll miss,
and now I'm vacillating between
a simple garden job
and just doing nothing,
but I'm nervous and oversensitive
to sound, so I'll do the job,
yesterday I had this imaginary
conversation between my fantasy self
and a writer who asked him
about creativity: well, he said,
to me creativity springs from
the Me and You, the constant
flow of connection between
the self and it's surroundings,
and the mysterious outcome,
a secret that reveals itself in
what one does, says and writes,
and that can't be forced,
it comes and goes whenever it wants,
and the hard labor lies in
keeping up the connection.
So, I pray for doing the work,
with patience, courage and determination,
and long for the float
on your river of inspiration.
Stream gentle stream!

Eternal Infinite Living One,
well, you're waiting for my words,
I hope, and to be honest I'm
waiting myself, now, their
train is entering the station,
yesterday was an angry day,
reticent, but hard working
in the communal garden,
planting potatoes, for the first
time in my life,
food for thought,
but the anger, what was it,
I felt hampered and obstructed,
not being able to recognize
the feelings underneath,
but last night they suddenly
appeared, the small child in me,
lagging behind, wailing for attention,
the fast mind and the slow emotion,
and that attention I realized
I am now giving to myself,
which feels strange and frightening,
because it demands deep reflection,
not just thinking about the world,
but about loss, about effectively
experiencing how it is to lose
a bond with people and things,
and acting upon it, ritualizing it,
questions I'm asking of myself
that I feared for so long,
because they are answered with
more questions, and it are these
questions that steer one through life,
standing at the wheel that constantly
asks to be turned.
So, another wheel is ready
to start turning, the day is ready
to unfold, the stranger is waiting,
and so are new questions,
from him and from me,
a woman is on my mind,
for the first time in a long stretch,
will she be the next mirage
or maybe a new mirror.
Same thing!

Eternal Infinite Living One,
well, I met the stranger again,
and presented my fantasy self,
which he saw as an imaginary friend,
a way I never saw him,
and what did my fantasy self say to me
this morning: loss, my boy,
is what you experience everyday,
each moment something goes,
and with it something comes,
but what that is you never know,
and the chaos of loss
confronts you with hidden
talents and possibilities,
a fountain that springs up
inside you, a water that
is alive and looks for dryness
and barren ground,
and the hard thing about it
is that you see the desert
and have to look for the water,
cool, clean water,
and look for the deepest pit as well,
yes, actually look for it,
the hardest thing of all.
Make that pitstop!

Eternal Infinite Living One,
well, I bought new shoes,
for the first time in 25 years,
again I dreamed about the farm
where I worked for so long,
this time an ex-friend and his wife
were there, trying to make contact,
but I said, not now, so maybe
I will see him again in the future,
although I don't think so,
radical departures are a fixture
of my life, for better or for worse,
books are a tremendous consolation
in this period, I discovered
a writer, roaming the second hand book stalls,
a face that fascinated me,
an alien from inner space,
rocketed from the Ukraine
and landing in Brazil,
she is Jewish and mystical,
a fringe person like me,
even though she led a famous life,
in the middle of public attention,
this fringe man finally beginning
to accept the borders of the world
where he makes his home,
crossing the lines every now and then,
entering a new land,
which he leaves again after a while,
like Abraham.
Get on your camel!