I need to think of myself as a soldier. In this war zone called earth. It gives me strength. To conquer these battles… 🔥🪖💥🔥 Only in death I may find piece. Mayday 👊🏻⭐️🫡🩸

Are you ok?
Why can I not be with the people that I love the most? Why do I not even know how they are right now? My mental health gets in the way. I’m not ok, ok? And I’m pretty sure you’re not doing much better than me. So from a distance here’s my love. I hope it reaches you. I might as well be dead. It’s just the same. But now let’s meet each other in dreams if we could actually sleep. I’d hold you like I can’t when I’m awake. I will never let you go. Not in death, not in my heart. We are together somehow. Somewhere, some time. Hold on until I can hold you. We’ll be ok, ok?

A man once told me a story.
He was a night guard at a facility.
About how when you do something out of love it’s no longer a task.

And I figured I could try to apply that for many things I have to do.

But nowadays it seems like even out of love it’s not ok.
Dealing with the same old.
I think that’s it, it gets old.
Even for love.

Love doesn’t have to get old but I do and the things I do to.
So even out of love doing them feels bad and exhausting.
It’s not going smoothly.
I’m also feeling lost and out of options to be able to get through life again.

Cause where can I go again?
And starting again feels like trying to fix an old engine.

It runs but it’s still exhausted.
It’s never fresh and new.

Kinda wish 2025 was the end of everything.
Or at least that it was the beginning of the end.
And that in the end there was nothing left for me to be here for.

No need, no options, no pain in leaving, just acceptance.
Letting go, everything around me falling away.               From me.
Even my body.
I would shoot myself up into the universe like fire work.

And rain upon the lovely spirits around me.
Then I would start rotating, whirling around.
Until I became the form I wanted to be in then.
I would fly everywhere, dream and have peace.

Never fight battles again that are just torture.
Find a place of belonging and deep connections.

But also just freedom.
In every possible way.
No failing, no struggling, no being stuck.
Diving into endless oceans of peace. 🩵

If I’d just confessed to you exactly what I feel. Exactly what I’d want. Would you be glad to know? Or would you rather have me say nothing? Change nothing and let you be? What do you want? I never know. You are so busy and so occupied. There seems to be no time for love in this life! Or no energy. I get it. Alone time is precious but so are these moments. These moments shared. But what if it’s not right? What if it won’t work? We’ll only know if we try.

But maybe you don’t care. Or maybe you’re just happy to be fine all alone. Just like the way I feel after surviving all these fights. Again and again. Exhausted. But you have to live a little too? Not just experience the pain. Maybe I can help. Or maybe I make it worse. Or both. Probably both. I’m good with that. Destroying you while turning you upside down. I’m like alcohol. Sometimes you throw me up, sometimes I’m the escape of all the misery you face…

To life,

Don’t take this as an angry note please but I’m out of this game. I won’t be scared to fail anymore. I know there will always be something not ok in here. For me that’s what it always has been like. I was called “too sensitive” or “weird” constantly. I tried to explain myself or situations in hope to make a difference. And I hope it shifted some little parts. I was always a part of something far beyond this place. The experience of life. On earth. But this game got me tired like I lived 3300 years instead of 33. I will turn 33 this February. If I make it. And if so I’m still out of the game. Because I’m following my own plan alone. No fears, no care. I’m beyond the caring about things. I will always care about people. Especially the ones who’s journeys have crossed mine and made it worth it. But this game ends for me. The challenges are over, I’m just existing here now. Making the best of it. That alone takes a lot. But that’s all I’m willing to bring to this world from now on. My best without caring so much about it being the best version. Just the version I am. And if that feels too wrong to be here I’ll be gone forever. Out of this game and out of this place for good because it doesn’t feel good. Even worse now. I’m feeling old, tired, worn out, not excited anymore. Thanks for all the things falling into place whenever they needed to. I appreciate it. I’ve noticed it. Thanks for the growth. But there’s been too much decay in me to stay here.

Sincerely,

Sharon
A.k.a Zeena and all the other versions and names before.

There’s an attic where I can go to.
And through the window peeps a new beginning maybe.

But I’ll never really be ready.
So I close my eyes.
I got nothing left to lose but no freedom.
No reason to stay.

I need a taste of that world where I’m alive.
First it kills me everytime I drink from the cup of joy.

And my dead body lies on the attic.
But it’s brought back to life by a man.
He tells me that he has a surprise for me.
And it’s just outside…

Always that man, always that drink.
Always that body dead brought back.

The eyes don’t glow.
Not here.
Not anymore.

Because this world doesn’t feel right to me.
And there’s no glowing, just freezing.