My heart has broken every day
Since the moment you went away,
And though there are tears I long to cry,
My eyes have stayed unyieldingly dry.

The ache has faded and left the truth.
Gone are the days I counted as youth.
And though I thought I was grown,
No loss like this had I known.

I didn’t suspect you’d take your leave
Or that you’d be the one to teach me grief
So that I would know as hours passed
That those we love don’t ever last.

Oh, how far you and I have come
Since we counted up the sum
Of suffering shared and what it meant
To be unbroken, only bent.

How I miss you in my dreams
And in the silent painful screams.
I chase your footprints up those stairs,
No longer running; you’re not there.

I think of all the times I went
To your aid; my ear I lent
And drew you into strengthening hug.
The flow of tears with thumbs I plugged,

Whispered softly in your ear,
No need to cry for I am here.
I hope you felt my tender love.
If not, you know now up above.

And though I wish you’d made a different choice,
I still respect your timeless voice
And remember how you spoke my name.
I hope you know I felt the same.

I took a walk for Sydney down the beach into the waves,
The ocean churning at my feet, icy,
White foam caressing pale toes trodden in black sand.
I imagined two hands,
Yours and mine intertwined,
The rare joy sparking in your face despite the cold.
I think about the wind whipping our hair back,
Laughter as the water soaked our pants.
I wouldn’t have minded.
For you, Sydney, I will dance in the sand, swim in the frigid ocean,
Twirl as the sun dries our clothes.
For you, Sydney, I will cast off my shoes with reckless abandon,
Forget sensory issues and the need for socks.
For you, Sydney, I will find joy in both the most beautiful and hardest of places.
You deserve only the best from me.
I took a walk for Sydney, down the beach amongst memories,
Your tears falling amongst their salty brethren.
Haven’t you heard how salt water heals old wounds?
For you, Sydney,
I will master the art of suturing the psyche,
Learn to bend time and space,
Inching the edges of the divide together,
Closing the injuries of your heart.
For you Sydney,
I walk down this beach with light feet and heavy chest.
I am yours, always have been.
For you Sydney,
I will hold hands, no autistic space bubble as I sit with you in your sadness.
I will wipe your face and hold your body against mine.
I will fight the monsters that seemed to steal the air out of the room.
I will search for meaning amongst these sounds,
Find depths in the swells and crests,
I will look for you amongst the proud rocks that jut towards the sky,
I will find you where you loved the hardest and the most,
In the beauty you forgot existed all around you.