It's a feeling I grew used to
An everlasting ache in my chest
Gaps that never filled in
No matter what I tried
Sometimes I felt almost right
But there was always something
Something I just couldn't figure out
A part always missing or off

I felt forever on this journey
To figure it out alone
Ever looking inward
Asking over and over
Why I always felt wrong
Why I felt as if I was a broken doll
As if hollow inside

It was a frightening idea
To be forced to face being wrong
Finding myself piece by piece
Realizing that it was never me
That I was never broken
My situation, perhaps
But never I

But oh how healing it feels
To know now I can forge bonds
That I can feel a sense of belonging
Acceptance of who I am
To know, even briefly
That I am liked
Loved, perhaps

Finding my missing pieces
Filling in the aches

It only lasts a moment
Nearly maddening
I catch these scents
It doesn't matter what it really is
But it gives me a flash of memory
So tangible I could see it
Feel it
But to describe it?
My tongue feels numb trying

The memory slips away
The more desperately I grasp for it
Gone before I can find the right words
It could drive you insane trying
Flickers of small plastic bears
A forgotten place between trees and tall grass
Meals at tables of friends I can't recall

How feeble a memory is
So fragile that it vanishes in the wind
Like the ashes of a loved one

I don't know a great many things
I can't string a bow
Nor can I fly a plane
I don't know how to play Chess
Or how to bake a good cake

I don't know how to express
How I feel
Or why I feel the things I do
I don't know how to love myself
Or give myself the grace
I so readily hand out like candy

I never had good examples
For taking care of yourself
For finding the limits
Of how much you can give
Before you have only pieces of yourself left
And still I give it away
Desperate for someone to turn
And see me
Hold me
Love me

But I don't know how to do that, either
Love someone
Without imploding on myself
Ruining it all
I don't know how to treat
Another person so tenderly

I can always learn
But how?
With no one to teach me
I simply don't know

I'm tired
                      I don't feel well
                      I hurt
                      I want to give up

I know
    We can't
       We have to keep pushing
                  I'm sorry
          You can do this
We've done it before

                    Why should I?
                    What good is it to keep going
                    And going?
                    Pushing and pushing?
                    Getting knocked down
                    Getting hurt
                    For what?
                    To keep doing it?
                    To never stop?

That is sort of the idea, yeah
      I know, it *****
    I know how bad you want to quit
                I want to give up too
But we can't

                  Why not?
                   I don't want to do this anymore
                   Why do you insist
                   on making me?

Because of peace
           Of the feeling we get
            When the sky is blue
               And the flowers are bright
                 And the birds sing
    When we breathe
       And feel okay for just a second
           When we are listening
                To our family
    Talking indistinctly in the other room
      And the music hits just right
        And we think for a moment
" This is where I want to be
Maybe not washing dishes,
Or this rough patch of life
But who I am,
My values
My family being right there "

                                       The feeling fades
                                        It always does
                                        I know we keep pushing for them
                                        But I'm tired
                                        I'm really
                                        Really tired

I know
                             Please
           Please just hang on a little longer
              I think this time
   Is different
                   This time really will get better
           There will be days of sunlight
                       Just hang on a little more
Give me more of a chance

                                       Okay
                                       I will
                                       I have to
                                       But I'm so tired
                                       And I want to quit

I know

It's familiar
Old and familiar
So old I forgot how close we used to be
This feeling
In my chest
Heavy, and expansive
And deeply overwhelming
I feel
If I think about it too much
Or look too deeply
I'll drown in it

My chest feels
Pulled open
Ripped out
Hollow
I have no dreams
No aspirations
Nothing to cling to

I feel completely Empty
If I was not held up by these strings
of Sentiment and Love
My earthly attachments
I worry I would drift away
Desperate to rest forever

And I'm afraid I wouldn't regret it