It's a virtue,
I've been told
To wait
Ever patiently
Like a doll on a shelf
No matter how long
Or how hopeless
You must wait

Yet wait for what?
For whom?
When you are dying
Surrounded by flames and debris
How can you be told to be patient?
When no one seems to be coming
How is that not cruel?

How could anyone be patient
Praying for relief
For rescue
When it feels so much of the world
Has turned a blind eye

So we all must cry out
As one loud voice
And pray to be heard by someone
By anyone

It's a common issue
This inability to sleep
So many others face the same torment
A thousand thoughts race through my mind
Asking a hundred questions
With no time to breathe or even answer them

Laying awake
Staring at patterns on my ceiling
Dissecting the meaning of a phrase
Replaying a moment I could have done better

Wondering endlessly
If there is a deeper meaning
Or if I'm perhaps just overthinking
Looking for a meaning I want
When there is nothing there

Thinking with no sign of stopping
About how I lie
To myself
To everyone
Perhaps to protect myself
But what good does it do?
Thinking if it is a lie
Spiraling to places I don't want to be

I just want sleep's embrace
To free me from my own mind
From my own cruel words
Cutting into my heart like daggers
Telling myself horrid things
That other people inflicted upon me

Won't someone free me?

How could I stop?
When a thousand words
Rattle around my mind
A million feelings broil in my chest
Things I don't understand
But so desperately want to

I have too much to write
Too much to say
Too much to understand
To ever stop

But when will it ever be enough?
When will I find the words
That solve the gap within me?
That tell me what I am?
That tell me what is broken about me?

I don't think that will happen
An end is an impossibility
Not when there's so much inside of me
Not when the void in my chest
Feels endless

An uncertain joke of a concept
Perpetually out of grasp
Too easy to shell things off onto
Do it tomorrow
Yet tomorrow never comes
Always standing just out of reach

Thus it must be done today
While the sun shines
While you have the means
The energy

Tomorrow does not exist
It's merely an echo of Today
A reflection
Illusionary and nothing more
A scarce source of comfort

Tomorrow will become Today
Before it ever remains Tomorrow
Leaving the ghostly idea in it's place once more

And what if Tomorrow does not come for you?
If it does not become Today?
Will you feel the choking grasp of regret?

I feel it inside of me
Unstoppable
No matter how I try
How many outlets I use
It builds and builds

I think others hear it too
It must be constant
Because they treat me
As if I could go off any moment
Treading eggshells around me

Am I truly that cruel?
I don't want to be
I don't think I am
But if they act like that
I surely must be

Nothing more than a waiting
Ticking
Never stopping
Time bomb
One word or motion
Could set me ablaze
But perhaps that's just how they look at me

I don't think I get that angry
Not that often
But they must have a reason
To treat me like I do
Like I am cruel
And angry
And vicious
Like a starved dog

I often wonder
Where you are
What you are doing
If you are happy
Content
Loved
If you found the peace you craved

You, who brought forth
my love of words
You, who vanished into the night
with none of your own

Tell me, if you can
Are you happy?
Content?
Are you loved?
Do you miss the days of quiet laughter?
Of softly sharing our
innermost thoughts?
Do you wonder after me?
As I wonder after you?

I need answers like I need air
Answers no one else can give me
No one but I should know the answers
Yet I don't
I scream into the void of my own soul
And nothing screams back

Why do I feel this way so quickly?
Is it just excitement?
Or the door to something more?

Please
Someone
Anyone
Just give me the answers
I so desperately need

I tripped for a moment
And suddenly
The garden in my chest is blooming
Though I am a terrible gardener
Purposefully ignoring it
Hoping the flowers and vines
Would die off in tough twisting shapes
That the brambles and branches
Might protect me

But suddenly
Every love song is about you
The lines I found no meaning in before
Seem to paint a play
That I would love nothing more
Than to star in with you

Suddenly
I feel electric
Like every strand that makes me up
Is squirming to escape my body
Just seeing your name
Fighting myself not to flirt

I've never understood these things
So why did it happen so suddenly?
Why with you?
Why now?
I surely must not understand
I surely must be confused

Suddenly
My mind, once again
Knows no peace

"It will fade"
She assures me
Gently, lovingly
For she went through
The same feelings as I
"Probably,"
I answer
Quietly, reluctantly

I do not want it to fade
These feelings
This warmth
It is precious to me
Even if this seed does not grow
Even if the tree bears no fruit
The process of planting
Of watering
Of tending
Is precious to me
He is precious to me
I want to keep these feelings
I want to keep my tree

I almost forgot
What it was like
To feel this way again
Excited for the next day
For the days beyond even that

To be able to visualize
And see it like it's right within my grasp
Not a fleeting ghost of an idea
Tangible
Almost real

The sparks through my veins
The ache of longing in my chest
A reason to wake up bright and warm
To laugh and smile
To make an attempt

I had all but forgotten
What it felt like to laugh this hard
To feel the ache in my ribs
The swoop in my chest
Seeing my screen light up with your name
I had forgotten
How warm another person's hand was
How I ached for the touch of another
For the comfort of not being alone

I had convinced myself I hated it
But perhaps what I hated
Was the one who touched me
Not the act itself
How can I untangle myself
From a web of lies I wove
For my own protection?

How could I have forgotten?
The rush of electricity
When you say something so kind
When you understand my mind
In a way few ever have

What else have I forgotten?
What else have I convinced myself I hate?
Just to protect myself
From feeling so lonely?

I'll break it myself
Before you have no other choice
Because the feelings won't stop
Flooding my mind
Soothing my thoughts
Like a cool calm creek
That I adore sitting with
And playing in

Yet a voice cries out from within
My voice
Reminding me
That these feelings
This warmth I created
Is pointless
That there is no world
Where another person
Could both know me
And still want me

So I'll break it myself
With my own two hands
I'll raise my heart high above me
And smash it on the rocks below
I'll sit
And watch the waves of my feelings
Take the shards away
And deposit my heart
Once more whole
At my feet
So I may stand up
And break it myself all over again
To spare myself the ache
Of you doing it for me

There's something inside of me
That is deeply broken
And I don't know what it is
Or how to fix it
I'm not sure when it broke
Or if it ever worked
But I hate it

My words and actions
Come out all wrong
I act thoughtlessly
Hurting those around me
Without ever meaning to
How they do not hate me
As I hate myself
Is a mystery
That I will never be able to grasp

I want to be good
Desperately want to be good
I want to treat the people I love
Tenderly, gently
Yet I never can seem to
When they tell me I've hurt them
I feel shocked
Trying to retrace what I did or said
To find the source
Of what about me is inherently wrong

Perhaps it would be better
If I was never around at all
I could never hurt anyone that way
But oh
If I vanished
It would hurt them nonetheless
How cruel of me