I hate myself
For a thousand reasons
My hair is boring
My teeth aren’t perfect
My body doesn’t look like hers
I struggle to think
Of reasons why I, of all people,
Deserve to keep breathing

So I give gifts
I make people laugh
I act weird
I do plenty of odd things
I tell people every good thing
I ever see about them
I make my friends smile
And in those short moments
I like myself
Just a little more than I did before

Then I hear it
God it happens every time
“God she’s so weird”
“Why does she always act like that?”
“She’s annoying”
It breaks my heart
Because I try so **** hard
But I mask my pain
With stupid jokes
Or by being angry
But it still doesn’t change
That your words cut me

But then
Then I’m right back to where I was
I still hate myself
For a thousand reasons
And I just added you to my list

I acted a lot older than I was for years
And I chose it
For my brothers
My mom
My dad
Myself
It’d be a lie to say that it had no role
In shaping who I became

But at sweet age of eight
I grew into my self-inflicted role
Of course eventually
My childhood caught up to me
And for a few years I refused to play “Responsibilities”
I was carefree and did whatever I wanted
But years of playing grown-up
They took their toll
By high school
People told me
I was an Ice Queen

I was distant and cold
I refused to share my burdens with others
And I carried the weight on both my shoulders
Some called me
Brave
Strong
Other called me
Cold
Ice Queen

For years I said I didn’t care
That they didn’t bother me
I was a **** good liar
Their words cut me open like sharp knives

A mind is an expansive
Infinite place
Where you can build a thousand worlds
With a billion voices
Chattering away
Living their make-believe lives

And it’s so beautiful
It is a beautiful escape
From the dull drone
That day to day life brings

Warm sunny beaches to warm your skin
Even though terrors lurk beneath the waters
Then cold mountains with dwarves and trolls
Or to market places in a city that doesn’t exist
With exotic foods that aren’t real
Doesn’t that sound better
Than the sad news
Surrounding everyone?
Bring your worlds to life
Share them with everyone
Give others a little relief from the dull drone
Give others some
Of that beautiful escape

Have you ever been so angry
That it burns a hole?
A deep scorched hole in the very center of your soul
And when that fiery anger passes
Because it always does
The hole turns cold
It floods your center
Then pushes throughout your veins

When the cold hits me I curl inwards
I want to stop breathing
Guilt of the things I’ve said or done
Bend my head into a sorrowful bow
As if I’m wearing a concrete crown

Anger is a cold poison
It won’t **** anyone
But it attacks our minds
The bridges we so carefully built
To our families
Our friends
Those we love
It chews through wood and steel
And sets it all on fire with the burning of a thousand stars

And when it’s over
You and I are left
Surrounded by heaps of smoldering ashes
And a cold hole through our chests
Because anger
Anger is a vile
And cold
Poison