Freedom is what I gained
After months in therapy
Days filled with tears
Days filled with fear
Broken is what she said
Impossible
Unfixable
No belief
Think
Reframe
Rearrange
There is no magic fix
No cure
Not 100 percent
Hard work
Resilience
Much effort it takes
Get what you put in
Up to you they say
It really is possible
Keep up the work
Keep it all in your head
Don’t forget the work you did
Because it saved me
And it may save another too

Blue is the feeling I get
After a long a day of thinking
I feel yellow playing with my plants
Inspecting them for miniscule detail
Show me something new I say
Red is that feeling when everything is on fire
My head or the planet raging
Something scary or displeasing
Wars I can’t win
Things I can’t fix
The green feeling of worry
When will it go away
Who will really stay
What will go right for me
Oh the colors I feel
A variety of thoughts
Some days more than others
I don’t know who I’d be without the feelings I feel

Cruel and dark
Sunny and bright
A miracle
Unpredictable or chaotic
Joyful and delicate
Life is a strange thing
One day it’s great
The next so dark
Neutral or average
You never really know
It’s unpredictable as they say
How do we deal
How do we celebrate
Only up to you
You make the choice
Harder than you think
What can I say
Life is a strange thing

The waves crash

Just like any other day

Some harder than others

Some so small you can't see

Maybe you can see but not feel

Measurements of how high they go

Not so predictable

Some with patterns

Others so random you don’t know what to expect

Waves may be high but you must know

It all depends

Be prepared for both

Hope for what kind you want

I see both waves in sight

I find peace with the waves

The fascination of patterns

Though the waves may be high, you must not fret

It’s part of the cycle

Part of the wave

One year ago I still thought it was over

There was no end

What is better

What is hope I said

There is on point

Why try at all

You could not convince me

I shut them out

I wished for an end

I tried with all I had

That was all I could do

That trying saved me

The Hope was real and still is today

From twice a week to weekly to biweekly therapy

I saved me

Made myself whole

The skills I said were useless, weren’t useless at all

I thrive not survive

I believe in the light

I share the light because today I believe

That Hope is real

I don’t believe it, she cried

It can’t be true

Words seemed meaningless

All false hope to keep me from breaking

Better than before is not achievable

Why believe it I shouted

I say quite the opposite now

How is this real

How did I get here

I really saved me

I was never broken, simply lost

Now growing older

Achieving the impossible

I don’t know if this is real, but I like this new life

We both never imagined this journey of healing

This healing is believable

Not fake at all

I do believe

And I did it all

Regret and guilt

Secrets to hide

Secrets to share

So heavy and overwhelming

Mistakes

Wondering whys

Searching for satisfaction

Seeking answers

Was it worth it you question

Some stupid mistake

Maybe even dangerous

Did you really know

Why’d you do it

Some questions unanswered

Those are the worst

It will all be okay

The past is gone

Moving forward to a new day

Mistake or decision, it already happened

Now out of control

The dwelling is done

You must move on

You may never know the answer

That is okay

There is no failure

Grow and learn

Not your fault

You didn’t know

Answer or not

Moving on, it works

Sometimes I still feel sick
Like I'm right back where I was
Where I cried myself to steep
Constant urges
That one thought that turned to many
The visions of past times
That vision of me still here
Buried deep so I forget
The thing is you don’t forget
It will forever be a part of me
The old immediate coping skill
Hurt or die
It will make you feel better
The pain stops I said
Those thoughts were never true
The brain hitting panic mode
Sad thing is it worked
Only for a moment though
After you were scared
Felt the regret, guilt and anger
Now you know better
Though it still comes back
That urge for control
Something you can fix
They say it’s not worth it
We all know
But the pain felt good
They didn’t see
But I know today
This isn’t me

You were never broken
Unfixable
A failure
Too far gone
helpless
You just needed help
help see the light
The hope you didn’t know was real
It was there all along
tiny bits and pieces
While the world isn't kind
Only limited love
You will find hope
A better life
You Make it
you can change it
No change without change
Can’t wait for it to show
Change is hard.
But 100% worth it
Remember, you aren’t broken
Just needed to speak up

The train keeps moving

Won’t stop if you’re late

The conductor won’t apologize

Say sorry for missing you

The passengers won’t help you

You seem to be on your own

You try your best not to be late

Some days you just can’t help it

There’s too much on your plate

The plate keeps filling, almost toppling over

You’ve missed your train again

The train keeps moving

-OliviA

Sometimes I wonder why I’m okay
Why the sadness didn’t stay
The sadness used to last forever
Now it mostly stays away
I had to learn to push it away
Learning something new every day
The feelings I once held so tight
Almost vanished from plain sight
Today I accept those big emotions
Accept and push away
So for now I’m happy I’m ok

There’s a raging war
Not quite an average war
The war against myself
There are tears
There are words
There are thoughts
They are not simple
It seems like a dilemma
I don’t think I’ll win she says
She says it’s not worth the pain
There’s a small voice in the back
A voice that trusts and believes
She says you’ve got this
It gets better they say
It gets easier along the way
With the right skills it may work
I may win the war
The words get quieter
The tears lighter
If only I knew what I could do

There was a time where all hope was lost
A time of nothingness and no light
It was a time no one wanted to see
IT seemed impossible to fix
No magic or tricks
The brain is easily deceived
It tells us we’re not good
It can be good though
There was a turn around
The light flickered
It got brighter
It started slow and began to grow
The light glowed brighter
The smile grew brighter
The brain wasn’t tricked
It started working
The work she’d put in
It started to shine
A once impossible force began to stop
It started to grow
The expressions and talks were bigger
The pain grew smaller
It faded away
She knew how to manage
She knew how to stop it
It wasn’t always perfect
There was a way
She knew she was capable
She knew she could
It wasn’t impossible
The change had happened

I have scars
They’re all over my body
Some say they tell a story
Mine tell nightmares
Those scars kept me alive
Kept me breathing when I thought I couldn’t
Those scars are reminders of the dark
But they also show me how far I’ve come
No longer the person I used to be
I don’t yearn for those scars
I beat the old me
She is gone
I’m alive and breathing
I’m finally free

I’m not afraid like I used to be
Not scared of my thoughts
They no longer take hold of me
I am free of the chains that shackled me
The thoughts simply pass
I give them no thought
They have no power over me
Never thought it’d be like this
My mind is quiet
No longer full of screams
I am free

You think I’m ok
That is what you see
It’s not as simple as you think
There are things you don't see
It’s all in my head
Mentally I’m not ok
It doesn’t always stay that way
There are demons up there
I’m not good enough they say
They tell me I’m not gonna make it
They are easy to believe
It’s hard to understand
It’s hard to comprehend
It’s not a simple fix
Not a one handed trick
It’s a continuous process
A journey worth while
I can get better
I will get better
I’m determined to get there
I’ll be able to change
I can’t do it without others
I wouldn’t be the same
One day I will see the change in me
One day I’ll find the person I want to be

Depression is a tree
It starts slowly
It’s fragile
Not there all the way
It starts to grow
It withers some days
Others it grows faster
It gets stronger
The roots grow deeper
It takes hold of you
Your power starts to lessen
You can’t control the tree’s growth
It gets bigger each day
Suddenly there’s so much shade
The shade scares you
The shade becomes complete darkness
There is no going back
There’s not much you can do to control the growth
It seems all hope is lost
You have to prune the tree
You have to get access
The pruning helps
It gets rid of the growth
But only for a bit
The growth comes back
It’s hard to control
It gets bigger this time
Now we have to cut down the tree
It’s hard to decide
The tree is so pretty
It’s life is so valuable
It brings so much beauty
Will you cut down your tree
What will you do
Please don’t cut down your tree
It gets better they say
The tree will become smaller as its life begins to age
Only you can make the decision
Make the right one before it’s too late