My thoughts blind me,
taking me back to the postcards of those few moments where it all made sense.
'Once I had'... everything...but only in my head.

A naked memory, a warm glance.
Images in time that I keep to remind me.

To all of you, don't forget me
...or do...
at this point I have already become just a man who only can reminisce.

A man, with a few words, he just mumbles over and over to remind him that once, he HAD.

Capable,
able,
desiring always.

                                            


*Winter2011

I fooled myself again into thinking there is a dream left somewhere in this rotten brain.
Maybe it was the sun on a warm day that led to a mirage of a place I thought could actually exist.
Or maybe it was a last ditch effort of the tiny pieces of undamaged parts, trying to break free.
All I know is that I did feel it, even accepted it, and now I suffer the consequence.

Jumping out of my hole and grasping for anything that could be called life I only end up falling back from another failure of a wanting desire for more.
And now...I have made my hole deeper, colder, and farther away from the rest of the world.



*Spring2004

I've wandered for years
empty from lost loves
despair had slowly consumed me
I was no longer able to truly see.
Stumbling and confused
I tried to jumpstart my heart
pseudo relationships barely kept me from crumbling
but I couldn't force myself to feel anymore.

Then you

Your eyes burnt mine open again
your hand led me back to beauty
your kiss woke my soul
I am alive again.
You surround me now
wherever I look, you're all I see
my voice, my body, me heart
all call your name.
I am, in all senses, enraptured with you.



*Summer2002

I slipped into your eyes today.
As the seconds slowed and her gaze lingered,
a new flame was born in my mind.
You came in through my windows,
gathering soundless words as kindling for my fire.
I am brightened with the presence of you.
Sparks started to fly and begin to spread,
wakening all the hibernating seeds of thoughts and dreams.
With each look they grow stronger and taller,
I am now captivated by your world.
Each moment that passes only reminds me of the could be.
The whisper of your breath along my skin stops my heart.
Around you I am flustered,
how can I talk when your beauty takes my breath away.
Come closer to me and hold my hand.
These shivers down my spine are for you.
What could be is only in tomorrow.
So what do you want to do today?



*Summer 2001

There was something, is something, will be something.
There is my new dream
finally content to image the impossible
and this time I can add the 'almost'.
I havent figured out the world yet where we come together
but I am trying
the distance between our bubbles is shrinking
even if its only in my head.
No longer does this seem so pathetic
imagining a moment, a kiss, a hand
the feeling of you
the way it changes, everything.
I think I'm able to hope again
this time without fears or improbability
not sure it its the lack of daily altering or your kiss
but everything says its going to be ok.



*Winter2001

I am the lingering memory of the moments that they probably have forgotten.
I keep them to have some sort of record that they at one time were real.
I am the scrapbook,
they can forget all they want,
but I remember so that in the curl if time, they stay real.



*Fall2011

Sometimes its hard for me to understand what the hell is the point of all of this.
I used to believe my purpose was to build a life that could support me and in turn support a wife and family. But I've come to understand that the reality isn't a chance for my dreams to come true. At all points in my life I've always thought that there was the ability to change everything I had into something better.
Now I see that this is my reality, something that cannot change. How am I going to live with this ugly face for the rest of my life without breaking down. I am stuck in this skin with only my messy handwriting to escape to.
My faith in love has faltered, I wouldn't even believe it exists if I see it again. By not caring about others eyes I can find a little solitude but that always leads me to want more that I have. I hate these stupid people and all these ugly thoughts. My life feels disgusting at all points of the day. Every image in my head breeds hatred and anger for the people I once loved. I know I am nothing special anymore, so now I have nothing to offer this world.
All my words just keep repeating because they are all I ever feel.
Over and over I want to be mad, I want to be loved, I want to be special to one person.
I want what I know I'll never truly have.
I hate me, I hate this world, I hate because I can't Love anymore.



*Spring2003

I run myself further everyday because the voices keep shouting louder.
Their taunts chase me down and force my eyes to close and teeth to clench.
I get ****** down into the hole again.

They catch me me every time with their trap and I am helpless.
Rocking back and forth I try to drown out all I hear with the only words that help me find solace...
I am nothing, I am truly nothing...

With the thought of non existence I finally can feel some peace.
This state of unimportance, of numb uncaring destitute 'kills it all away, it makes me disappear.'



*Summer2004

What I don't understand is why I still hold, and have, my love for each of you. You are no longer in my life, but I know I could hold you and it would feel normal.

'I still find pieces of your presence here' -(words from "I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You" - Colin Hay)



*Summer2012

Running errands on a rainy day
the smell of your leather seats
Your warm thigh where I rested my hand.
The two of us, a loving couple, together with no one else in the world.

It's been years, but I will always remember our love.

i still want to thank you, even though I'll never be close enough to smell you again.




*Fall2010

I don't think I'll ever be able to live in the present.
Each day I seem to just be collecting memories to look back on later.
Already I expect to still be looking for a purpose in the future...
always ending up walking through my past to find peace.



*Oct2003

I always worry that my distaste for dressing up in a costume,
with a smurk and a line,
has lead me to missing out.



*Fall2010

what if,
out of the increasingly smaller amount of the women that could love you in this world,
she was the absolute best you could of had.
That way you can just pass it off as just yet another life mistake made by Jonathan Xxxxx



*Summer2012

I like to re read in order to legitimize my demise.
I normally drown out those hiccups of memories with turrets like mania,
shouting out names of dreams from too long ago.

But the few that are able make it out, make it here.



*Summer2012

I don't fit into most of the worlds I have seen.
I experience and reflect things that are normally shied upon.
Words I use frighten even my loved ones.
I am the proof of difference.
Because of this, I can't even dream of where I want to be.



*Spring2012

I am crumpled from at least 3 different angles.
I will always have love for her.
You were a brother to me.

I always saw you, both of you.
I knew you lied.
I knew your insecurities.

I saw your affect.
I lost trust in one of you.
I know this hate is just bitter love.

3 reasons I love and hate both of you.

Love me, hold me, touch my face when I cry, hold my hand when we are just walking. See that this fall i constantly feel is just relative to a changing world that i just imagine...but to everyone else is solid...so really...I'm probably not ever moving.

I'm not shiny, but I can't tell if this rust I see on myself is real.

I keep flip flopping between thinking I could deserve something and knowing that I will always be left wanting something I can never truly have.
The evidence of past moments where I had everything ruin my expectations of always having nothing.
Affection, it's such a huge side of what I define as happiness...yet when I have had it, I still find myself wanting more. Or at least something slightly different from what I already had.
My first love, my first proposal, and the moment that is identical to both where I knew it wasn't real.
Slap of reality turns my eyes down again, my life is only the next foot step...and they all end up being the same leading me no where.




*Fall2012

I keep dreaming of an ex love, actually the only real love. I know its not really about her, but more the way we were, the love we showed each other, the love we felt. I find it hard to even imagine feeling that comfortable with anyone again, its just such a vulnerable state to live. I never really thought I would be afraid of love, feeling something was better than nothing at all.

So I try to ignore the day, coasting through until I get to dream again...
dream of things I can never have.




*Fall2010

I have so many beautiful memories of all of you, you and me.
So many soft kisses, looking up smiles, eyes closed words.
Moments that can mean nothing to you but will always remain everything to me.
I appreciate the love albeit ultimately insignificant.
In a sense, I will always feel a villain stealing those smiles out of memories of us
but in my world they are purposeful and the reason why we live.

Thank you my loves.



*Fall2011

There are thousands of us with burning eyes, angry thoughts, clenched fists, muffled screams, broken hearts and failed dreams.
We all gather to show our support for the despisal of the world, or at least what is supposed to be 'life'.
Our power together is tremendous as we all have focused on the same points.
We are something bigger than reality, a linked collection of moments all trying to find the same solution.
We need a purpose, we grasp for any reason that justifies all we have been through.
Together we can try to form one complete life by filling up all the missing parts with faded memories.
Each one of us contributes his moment, his thoughts, his minuscule beauty and then takes his place along side with all the other empties.
Together we look at our shrine to purpose, standing back to search for any aspects of reason.

As the dark falls on our coalition, we realize that nothing has changed, we cannot build a complete form or find our complete purpose.
So every one of use sinks back to our holes and our corners, to go back into hibernation from present reality.
Slowly the creation falls apart and finally, we are nothing again.



*Spring2005

I believe too much in my own Insignificance.
I spend too much time drowning out my own voice with alcohol.
I procrastinate on my own responsibilities.
I smoke too many cigarettes just to have something that passes the time between gulps.
I live too long in my memories.
I superimpose too much of what I thought I wanted onto what I have now.
I believe I am failing at everything I do yet act like I do everything better than them.
I live in a cluttered mess.
I pretend no one notices my obvious deficiencies.
I do things to get attention by hiding in plain sight.
I have real voices in my head.
I talk to myself, actually more like I scream at myself often.
I use other people's names as an escape word.
I secretly believe I am more important than I care to admit.
I foolishly think I deserve more.
I ignore my health.
I fantasize about things I would never want to actually participate in.
I still imagine I can be loved.
I sometimes believe women want me even when they already have someone.
I expect there will be magical occurrence in my life that will make me happy.
I enjoy causing myself physical pain if some aspect of it supposedly makes me stronger.
I long to have my life sacrificed if it means someone I love will survive longer.
I am jealous of my closest friends for being farther along in life and am obvious about it.
I spiral myself down to diminish the fear of falling.
I hate what I see in the mirror.
I believe I am destined for failure based on my genetics.
I drive too fast.
I often believe my way is the better way, until proven otherwise.
I torture myself constantly, in my head.
I ignore anything that I feel I don't know enough about to solve.
I find comfort in imagining being smashed into an unrecognizable blob of human remains.

This is the only existence I know. This is my normal.



*Summer2012

The inadvertent sigh at the sign of affection.
Twisting old reality of confused yet knowingly wrong experiences into memories that I want to live again.

I sometimes like being alone...but I still fall asleep whispering her name.



*Spring2012

It hurts so much to talk to you and know that it isn't the highlight of your day anymore.
It hurts so much to hear every goodbye, each abrupt ending just reminds me how much more I still feel for you.
I feel so idiotic feeling that I still want you.
Yet even if you did want me, as if you would have an epiphany that I am the one...it would make almost no difference in our physical lives, you are so far away.
I'm waiting for what...? Until the day I am out of school and suddenly we live together beginning the rest of our lives??
How stupid is that.
So unconceivable, definitely not reasonable.
I'm unreasonable...unreasonably in Love.



*Winter2002

Old enough that I won't allow myself to believe in dreams anymore.
Now I just feel lost, even though I don't have anywhere to go.



*Fall2010

You came back again to remind you of what we are really made of.
Not the shined version a picture might see,  the true reasons and moments that have made you who you are.
They are clustered together in some form of a man but you are not really solid.
Thousands of little rocks and pebbles each with its own memory of good or bad.
I've lost count of which ones I truly am.