My self-awareness is clear. Blunt. It's ugly and painful. To call it enlightening, is putting it lightly.
       Honestly though, it's relieving, intriguing, and totally necessary. Character building, and **** near life-saving.
      They say "seeing is believing"... But what about these feelings? The temporary, non-factual, and oh so ******* deceiving.
      I prefer to walk this life in honesty. Real, raw, and owning responsibility. Without concern for the possibility of living "lonely".
       My truth. Your truth. THE truth. I struggle to grasp how it's so hard to direct all my best efforts... Not for you, not for him, or for any of them. But for me. And at least for now, only me...
      Like clockwork. One, two, three. The bad decision making. I always have been, I am now, and always will be, my own worst enemy.
     Some will say that they "admire" my ability. My ability to rep nothing more, and nothing less... Then just me. Inside I'm laughing. It's almost really ******* funny! With a head clouded thick and Smokey and a heart I seem to keep on freezing. Painful realities, I continue to keep on stuffing. Like it's all okay. Right here, right now...see in my eyes that my lips are saying **** it. Again. Sell off another piece of my soul & commence to feeling nothing.
      Turns out with all this ducking and dodging of reality, I myself am being robbed of the real me. The chick they so ignorantly pretend to be "admiring". It's gotten to the point of what I deem as wasteful & petty, being sold short... Ultimately starving your life, my life, and this ******* Society, of true, legit beauty.
       The crimes of passion that fuel within me. The answers remain exposed. Ever so transparently. As I once said, my self-awareness is more than a blessing. Granting the ability to understand what blatantly lay before me. Allowing my swollen eyes to see ever so clearly. Observing, the chaos and defeat.
Hear me say, although I'd prefer to scream.... No matter the faulty choices, or the seemingly impossible hopes and dreams... I can be my own muse, my own Mentor, I will be just me. My own home team. Completely denying the hopelessness that the greatest of evil strives to feed within me.

I dont wanna do this anymore I have zero desire to live.
To feel what im feeling.
To go on with zero worth nor purpose. Robbed of being a mom to my kid.
No rhyme or reason to the madness that has become and that is my "life" .
No longer believing god created me to be a passionate and loving, woman mother and wife.
My body hurts, my head throbs, my heart bleeds, & my soul aches. My breath is taken. Gone.
Either quick short cut off repetitive gasps....or long deep sarrowful sighs....**** near every couple of minutes that pass.
That's not breathing at all....that feels more like suffocating... disinigrating...
Here me loud and clear.
This darkened circus I speak of, is far from imaginary.
It creates, defines, & overrides my reality.
Slowly sinking.
Hereing nothing.
But the taunting click of the clock ticking.
I fantasize of my bleeding...without stopping. Untill there be no more to keep dripping.
Im exhausted and warn down.... By this repetive war im always fighting.
They want to know of who is the enemy that sends me running.
Interesting..
The enemy?...
Sense the beginning of time, my greatest enemy has always been.. ME..and only me.
True ******* pitiful story.
The same sad story,
About how nobody gets me.
Why won't they listen?
Open thier eyes, and even attempt to ******* see!
But iv3 become a ticking time bomb.
The list of times I've tried and failed has gotten so long.
Too long.
Even when i feel strong..it all still goes so wrong.
Stringing me along.
For the ride in which leads & ends to a land of nowhere.
To the bottom of the darkest despair.
Where all the wounds the cuts and the bruises are beyond repair.
Yet tell yourself as you look at me and pretend to care...
That all this just isnt fair.
But you have no idea the mass amounts of pain trauma and suffering...its seems as if I were created to bare.
Its crazy how I manage to **** up but yet I still manage to learn.
I somehow manage to take 3 or 4 steps in the "right"direction..
And even see the rickety tables begin to strengthen and turn.
Relationships restore slowly,
Opportunities arise .
My pieces start to pull back together.
No longer drowning in the tears that fill my eyes.

But wait....what's that? ...
oh yea,
It's the same old same old fanfuckingtastic, never ending, experienced more than one time,  demise...
That builds itself into ultimate failures... fueled and fed by a web of the same old ******* lies.
It's a vicious cycle.
Turns out this isnt really a "life".
Not at all.
This... is the never ending cluster **** of the continuous rise and FALL