Fri, Jan 17 at 5:53pm:

Hey

“Hey”
“What’s up?”

Nothing much, um…
Oh btw, I talked to a counselor today!
Thought that would make u happy!

“Yea”
“I’m proud of u for that”
“How’d it go?”

It was fine…
I wrote a poem.
It’s a bit rough, though.
It’s what I’ve shown.

“Mind if I see?”

Yea:
Here’s the truth…
“I wanna die,”
“I wanna survive,”
the ropes are tearing me,
pulling me apart,
like tug of war.
I wanna cry
but my tears are dry.
I wanna go back
and try to start over—

But I can’t…
I can’t sleep,
I can’t breathe,
I can’t see,
I can’t be free,
I can’t find what I seek.

I can’t scream—
my voice breaks.
I can’t be saved.
I’m stuck in my room,
I can’t love you.
I can’t be loved.
I can’t be enough.

I can’t find you,
I can’t find me.

I hate myself,
I hate who I am,
and I miss the
old me who didn’t.

I hate my life,
I hate the time,
I hate this day,
I hate every minute,
I hate the memories I made—
but they’re all I have left.

I hate the silences.
I hate the noise.
I hate walking away,
I want to stay,
but I’m always a memory away.
I hate the pain and ache of wanting,
yet never being heard.
I hate everything,
It hurts!

*******,
**** me,
**** everyone
who lies and say
it’s gonna be ok,
the talents I hold,
every word I spoke,
this poem I wrote,
the illusions of hope,
the isolation—
I’m getting cold
and alone…

The Crooked Man’s
living rent-free,
laughing.

I wanna scream
into the void—
*******!
Because I’m still here.

“****….I’m sorry”

Why…?

“I should’ve tried
to reach out more”

NO NO IT’S FINE!

“No no”
“It’s not”
“I have to take
a bit of responsibility”

No!
Ur ok!
I promise!

“To be honest, I’m not rly sure
what I’m doing, but I should
have just tried to do more”

Ur fine!
I’m sorry for texting u

“No, don’t be”

And for sending you that poem

“Really don’t be”

Yea well…
U might think I’m
gonna **** myself

“Uh, I didn’t”
“But does it cross ur mind?”

Idk…

“Well don’t let it take up space
In your mind”
“You don’t need to waste your time
on thoughts like that”
“There are many people who
care about you that want you
to be happy”
“No matter how lonely you feel
There are always people
you can reach out”
“All you need to do is try”

Sometimes, it’s hard to exist without
having ******* problems spiraling…
And I bet u have some really
good things going on!
Meanwhile, I had a panic attack
yesterday in the bathroom, crying…

“I’ve had situations like that before too”
“Just try to take deep slow breaths
and think of something good”
“It doesn’t matter what—
just something”
“It’ll pass a lot easier”

I tried that but that
doesn’t work.
Though what helps is
if I cry I’ll just cry
by myself or something…
Or nothing…

“Yea…I guess that works too”
“Helps get it out of your system”

Yea…
What **** me off with counselors
or therapists is when I try to get help,
they either think I’mma **** myself,
say it’s gonna be ok, or do something
ENTIRELY different that’ll
make it worse…
Or just not help me at all,
And then I fall to the floor.
I hate it.

“I can kinda relate to that”
“You just need to talk to
the right person”

Yea, well...
My advice—
Don’t be like me.
It *****.
The one thing I’ve learned is
the fact I’m emotionally deep.
I hate myself for that cuz
I can’t breathe, sleep, eat,
feel free, or be me
normally anymore.
That’s why I write
good poetry like this.

“Ahh I see”
“And my advice is to not
beat yourself up too much.
Just pick things you want to
change and slowly work at it.”

That’s what you said in the library

“Good”
“That’s cuz it’s important”
“Arguably one of the most
important things in life”

Why..?

“There are things in life that
we can control and things
we can’t hold”
“And when there’s something we can’t”
“We just have to look at it in a
way that benefits us”
“So I’d say that when you do
find someone who can relate
to you it will be even better”

So like suffer…?

“Yea like suffer”

Oh well, **** me blue!

“Blue..?”

What?
U want the whole rainbow?

“Is it a saying?”

Yea

“Ahhhh”
“It’s a Paul special”

It’s *******, lol

“Anyways, I gtg for dinner”

Yea, cya

“Bye”