I've been writing the same tired words
weary from forever trying to explain you
to the same endless song
repeating itself to me in your every kiss
ever since we started this game that we play
of me loving you
with a fondness that still remembers you, pure
loving you with depth that will always catch your falls
and you always pulling away from me
pushing me away
taking a needed piece of me each time you stray
making it a little harder to heal
making it a little scarier to feel
a little harder to keep hope in a new start
making me a little harder in the heart
when all I need from you, is all of you, just one time
because you would never want to leave the embrace
of a best friend kept in a lover's mask with a poet's need for only you
if you would just look into my eyes
that see only your beauty, blind to your scars
what you'd see would tell you
that to me you are perfectly imperfect

but the song repeats and somehow all my words fail me
in forever trying to win you, to charm you, to keep you
and the infinite sadness that is loving you
burns me again as I pull it's flame even closer
trying to make you mine at last
in every word I say all you have to hear is the truth
if you ever want to believe in love again, believe now
we are the proof

because every time we lay down together
and I wake up alone
I crack a little deeper, I become a little more fragile
I lose a little more I haven't got left to give
I turn a paler shade of ghost
and the crime is never punished
because you never stay to see
that you're killing the one person who loves you most
with every meaningless kiss you give me

I die a little
with each meaningless kiss

Stop showing
You love me
A little at a time.

Stop saying
You care
Bit by bit.

Stop keeping
Me here
For tiny pieces of time.

Because I need
All of you
Not piece by piece.

I love
All of you
Not just some parts of you.

So love all of me
All the way
All the time.

Or let all of me go
All at once
For good.

no one has ever been able
to make me feel
quite the same level of
worthlessness
as you do.

Dear Hidden, Ignoring, Empty Lover

I will fake my death and become famous
I will leave blood tracks to my resting place
Ants will eat my blood like sugar
And wolves my bones rare
So the story will go

People will run around finding secrets in
Between my words, they’ll make billboards
Advertising the movie, it will be called
Diary of a Planned Exit and people will
Think I’m a poet

They will make books with blue corners
And a bright red title, it will be a picture
Of my hands (not really but people are dumb)
Holding a Barbie doll dipped in ink
Black ink even

You will not change. Your lion’s mane won’t
Go gray. Your heart like the boulevards
Will move but not always, you and the other
Pretty dancers won’t hide in the hills
You won’t even put an X on the calendar
You’ll mourn with a self-inflicted sigh
You’ll mourn like you’re eating stale cake
You’ll mourn like you're painting your nail
You won’t even paint them black
I imagine my heart would burst
So I’ll keep it in a hotel bible.

The twelve people that still love poetry
Will forget about me because I will
Resuscitate, crawling out of the city sewer
Evil flowers in my hand
Business ethics in my hand
I’ll call five or six times and leave a message
Saying
“hey, it’s me, I’m not dead, your hands, your tongue look like the innocent flowers…”
Hang up. Slide down the wall like I’ve been shot. Defy god
And hold my mouth with both my hands

I’ll read my own books and be sick
I haven’t eaten in days; I won’t have eaten in days
I’ll go find witches
Doctors
Witch-doctors
They’ll give me fate-pills and I’ll finally
Stop daydreaming because I know
What will happen

You will get a C-section and your children
Will break you down, you’ll get a heart transplant and get a nun’s heart
Because Fate love Irony, you eat pudding in old age
You never think about me as a diversion in your tracks
But you hate magic and I need  to believe in it so
I don’t have to fake my suicide

Love,
You know what

I've felt lonely, But I haven't been alone.
I feel dead inside, but I echo a frequency of life.
I've dreamed of the end of the world. and found joy in the silence after.
there is nothing as scary as acceptance of one's fate.
I don't fear anything anymore,
I spend my last days,
waiting for the void,
and the peace that comes with it.

Be brave! Be brave!
I hear the cry
call sharply through
the enveloping mist;

every evening the fog settles
down atop this sleepy town.

'Though temptation bleeds
from every fractured brick!

In this mist I feel
invisible; a sprite, a specter --
an evening wisp diffusing
down streets and alleys.

The darkened smudge of
another average man.
He walks by, equally ephemeral,
and dissolves again into the haze.

So it has been until now,
even without the fog.
They always pass by,
fading again into the haze.

Although the sea may take no pity
on a stranded boat, do not give up hope!

The fog is my sea, and frosted
grays my gradient to infinity.
Vacant echoes answer my calls:
"How are you?"

Okay. I'm always okay.

Then listless lapses into silence.
I wonder if passion died with God.

If it has, you're the one who killed it.

Formless voices fill the air,
murmurs with pangs of guilt.
Growing and growing,
the dissonance turns to consonance:

Silly child, it's all in your head.*

The streets are no longer familiar,
my own hands now seem foreign.
I hasten to catch up to another soul;
someone living to help me find the ground.

Only my footsteps sound in the night.
No one else is awake at this hour.
Insomnia, alone, takes these walks with me.
All the while commenting on my folly

and the white, beckoning infinity.

Did you ever just sit and wonder,
how someone you barely know,
could impact your life so much,
in such a short amount of time?
How they could so quickly turn a
frown upside down?  
How they were able to relight
a fire that burnt out
some time ago?

What is so special about them,
that they were able to get past
the walls surrounding your heart,
as well as, being able to
totally invade your thoughts?
The biggest question is how you could
trust another person, as easily as,
you trusted them?
Trusted them, even after you swore to yourself
that you would never, ever, be able to trust another,
after all the hurt and disappointment.

I have, and I do know that,
from the moment I met you,
I could feel safe in sharing
my most intimate thoughts.
I could share with you
my dreams and aspirations.
I could share with you
my hopes and fears.
Most importantly, I could
allow you to walk around
in my head, and in my heart,

So, now that you are gone,
why do I cherish
memories of you, so much?
Why am I left feeling
that I am only a distant
thought in your mind?
What more can I do to prove to you
that I am not someone who just speaks,
but also proves, by my actions?

Do you realize that I think of you often,
without truly understanding why?
Asking myself constantly,
why can't I just have you?
But, I know that, deep down in my soul,
I do not truly want you
when you have such doubts.
I want you free of any
fears and ambiguities.

Maybe the real, and most important question,
of why we were destined to meet,
will never truly be answered.
But, I do know that, regardless if,
I ever receive any answers,
I will never regret
the brief time I spent with you,
in the making of these questions.


Vicki A. Zinn
2011