Ryan - Hello Poetry

Ryan Mar 2015

Burden

What is it that makes me
An absolute burden to you?
Not just you
All of you
Tell me what it is
Because it's eating me alive.

Is it my inability embrace reality?
Or my absence of mental stability?
My lack of sound decision making
Paired with all the drugs I'm taking?
It can't be my appreciation
For the ******* lives you're faking.

What a complete joke it is

To feel so unwanted
By everyone you hold in high praise
It's laughable how much it hurts
How deep these wounds go
How out of place I feel
In my many homes
I just need to get away
To give you all a break.

I'm rain on your pity parade
Tone deaf to your serenade
Engulfed by anxiety
Feeling inadequate
Presently unpleasant
Doomed to forever be
The awkward teenager
Trying to fit in
The afterthought
The whatshisface
The nevermind

But still I'll follow you around
The pathetic puppy dog
Nipping at your feet
Begging for attention
But no bone gets thrown my way
No attaboys, no morsels or scraps
Not even crumbs of mild amusement
Just your spit in the dirt
At the mention of my name

It's just something
I don't understand
Well whatever it is
I swear I'll change

Ryan Feb 2015

******

I'm trying, I really am
But this undiagnosed disease
It has weighed down
For far too long
Crushed
Gasping for breath
Suffocating
I can't hold your hand
Around my throat
For much longer
**** me or kiss me
Because I can't keep living
On this borrowed time
This facade of being fine
Is crumbling at its core
I'll string myself up
Just to stay on two feet
Like a paper hearted Pinocchio
Lying for the first time
Like it was the last time
A tainted ****** too proud
To eat his own words
A familiar taste, regurgitate
**** this palate accustomed
To that pretty face.

Feb 2015

EJ Aghassi

sonnet of some sorts

your hair hanging over
over your face
I looked up at you
you were the sun
you were the moon
I saw stars in
your pretty complexion
galaxy swirls beneath
your eyelids

your tender hand
traces tender wound
it hurt but my heart
delighted, skipped,
there was no other
closeness such as that

the transition of body
temperature, tempering
unspoken songs
there is a care out there,
in the vast, beautiful
emptiness of space

it's all consuming and
I admire it so, it's omni-
present and powerful
the bandage is the
symbol, is the bond,
is the willingness to
heal, is the willingness
to grow stronger and
it can be nothing at all

it's still so wonderful

the connection is
the interaction is
the chain reaction
of all those things
so wonderful and
I want you to know
how wonderful
you really are

so it goes

Ryan Jan 2015

surrender

alright, i give up
shoot me where i stand
you caught me red handed
trying to regain some familiarity
trying to steal back your attention
a fool's attempt at redemption
i have no motive, no secret plan
any premeditation would have
never let this ever happen
but here i am, staring at the ground
avoiding all eye contact, ashamed
filled with regret to ever see your face
to see you smiling at me, it drives me insane
i don't deserve this kindness from you
i want disgust and scorn
make me feel vile for all my actions
it would help me sleep at night
relief like a shotgun kiss goodnight
a culling lullaby to ease my mind
and the dreams, oh those ******* dreams
the haunting and subconscious wanting
where i can go anywhere in the world
and yet i drearily meander close to you
so forgive me for my crashing on your moon
i promise that i'll leave here soon
consider this my complete surrender
of a weary broken necked lover
in a letter post marked return to sender

this was left as a draft for specific reasons but now i'm sad and feel it needs to be published?

Ryan Jan 2015

Lost

What is this I'm experiencing?
Is this a beast I cannot tame?
Am I not the boy so brave?
All these nights spent far too late,
They have sent me spiraling
Into a madness I welcome humbly.
Teeth clenched, I delve recklessly
Into an endless familiar unknown.
I stare longingly into the abyss,
Searching, scanning, endlessly.
Uncovering the unrecoverable, revealing
That the abyss is me.

Ryan Jan 2015

Expression under lunar illumination

I've gone and done a bad thing
and I've opened up to you
I sit here without armor
underneath this lonely moon
I watch the stars, they flicker
as if they're dying in the night
My eyes fill with cigarette smoke,
it's clouding up my sight
Or maybe it's the tears
of a truly broken heart
I don't want to hear your response,
please don't go playing your part
If I was looking for some answers
or a flag of truce to wave
I would have asked quite desperately,
I would have pled the same
It was just expression of my current state,
the horror which I bare
The inflicted pain I've called upon,
the embarrassment I share
So please be kind and let me be,
this broken man to heal
Regardless of my loneliness
this stubbornness is real
Just let me call out my repentance
until the blood falls from my knees
I'll express this inner anguish
then I promise I'll let you be
For we both know this game at hand
is the most dangerous and vile
It's sure to end in bloodshed
and broken limbs of denial
So I'll remain here under lunar light
and wait for midnight's freeze
Let the coldness become my body
and put my heart at ease