Escape comes at a cost
But I've been so ******* lost
I forgot what I'm running from
And now I'm

I want to be here
For everyone I love
But I can't do this
And now I'm

Holding

A bottle of pills
A gun
A steering wheel
A thick piece of rope
A straight razor
A whole bunch of bad decisions

Let me sleep in peace for once
Let me not feel this way ever again
Let me have the strength to carry on
Let me find my way in this world
Let me see who I really am

I keep asking for these things
And no god answers my calls
But I can't blame any of them though
I don't even answer my own soul

Everything you didn't ask for
Nothing like the last *****

Said I wouldn't let feelings creep
Now we're rolling way too deep

You know me far too well
Now you see my complete hell

Not who you want
Not when you wanted it
Not who you need
Not when you needed it

Both still here so that's just life.

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I don't know where
We were led astray
Been told to look up
But all I see is devils above
And angels below
All the right intentions have paved
The way to hell
Lies and misdirections have guided
The way to heaven

I've been looking
For God in silence
Screaming for help
In empty horizons

I've been hurting
For as long as I can remember
Crying pitiful tears while my body
Begs to surrender

How could you
Steal my breath
My attention
My heart
In one
Simple glance.

And sometimes
I like to think
That what you did
Was intentional
That maybe you wanted to
And that you still want to
That maybe you needed to
And that you still need to.

Maybe you could be something
Somebody special
My somebody
But you will always be remembered
As the thief that stole from me.

I feel like my hands aren't my own
My body is no longer my own
My steps are hollow
My movements too animated
I feel the tide turning in my head
The waves are breaking
And only causing chaos
Lawlessness and disarray
Anarchy and pandemonium
.....

It's calculated
I am realizing all too late I'm losing
Something is changing
A modification
A shift
A revision
I feel I'm operated by somebody else
Not me but a variant
A voice akin to my own
A parallel that has made it clear
It will either win or it will destroy me.

.....

No more black and white
No more good and bad
No more hero and villain.

.....

All alone, not really.

.....

May you remember me
For who I once was

.....

This disease
No
This sickness
No
This ailment
No
This disorder
No.

.....

I now have a liberator
Guardian
Rescuer
Preserver
Salvager even.

.....

He has been saved
What you call *******
Oppression or tyranny
Jurisdiction or dominion
Is deliverance
Emancipation or independence.

.....

I woke up today
My hands felt like my own
My steps were substantial
My movements absolute and genuine
My ocean tranquil and mute
And for now, I recite a cantilcle
Of bliss and appreciation
To no god in particular.

I've won but at what cost
I've healed but who is lost
I stand strong on this mountain
Only to realize it is one made of bones

I've fought so hard
Cried and bled
One blink
And it all comes back
Blood in the sink
Little fractures and massive cracks

Then I look in your eyes
My little goddess
My parallel and gravity
And I realize that although
The bones are of friend and foe
I can't change any of it
Wouldn't change any of it

For now I will continue
Because of you and for you.