I deserve to be free.
Free from you.
Free from this pain.
Not have my heart aching.
And follow my own path.

I'm grateful for the things I did have.
But now I want to go.
I did receive love.
Comfort from things, clothes, music, bodies.
I'm happy to leave, it's ok and fine.

I'm ready to let go.
Let go of everything.
Be content.
And be glad to be ready when I am.
I'm letting go.

I am free.
Grateful and happy to follow my own path.
Free from pain.
Free from my body.
But I can still be this person that I am.

This part of something bigger that I can see.
I have it all in me.
It will all be meaningful and loving.
Now I know how to give this intense type of love.

Cause I learned to lose it and feel it and store it for the right kind.
I'm ready to get ready.
Set me free.
For meaning and love.
Following my own path free from pain.
Letting go.

I can’t go back to how it used to be.
And I think the universe should agree.
With me, definitely.

So now, where what when?
Trying what I can.
I wonder what’s the new big plan?

The wind blows slightly cold kisses.
My skin feels soft as it misses the blisses.

And the sun is hot, so I’m wearing shorts and a T-shirt.
I feel heavy lying down in the dirt.

After running, after walking the day away.
Getting things done and then I can play.
In the dark with my ***** all alone inside.
Inside my mind, I can play dead and hide.

Cause I can’t dance when nobody’s watching and there’s no place to look at.
I need to stare into something but all I see is lack of that.

Even when I close my eyes.
I’m losing balance, drop, can’t rise.
So I’m watching TV with too much *****.
I snooze.

I’ve done all that I could for the day so that’s enough, I just have to wait.
In a chaotic state.

I’m trying to have faith that whatever happens sets me free.
Cause I think the universe should agree.
With me definitely.

I still feel like my life has gotten way out of hand many years ago.
And it never turned around.
It’s never been ok anyway.
I’m just still struggling so much with this world.
But I remember a living condition where it was so damp that my wooden bed just collapsed for example as I was lying on it.
And then I was trapped in it because the center broke while the sides were still standing.
And I was just in there like: “I want to die”.

I was so tired already from everything that happened before.
I just couldn’t make it work.
I don’t know why I still can’t.
I’m always seeming to be stuck or trapped.
There’s always something happening that is not pleasant and I used to have moments that made up for it.
But to be honest, I don’t really feel it anymore.
Not much gives me pleasure these days.
And I’m using mechanisms that aren’t always the best but are the only ones that seem ok in the moment.
I know nothing lasts and I’m making plans and trying to have options.
But it seems to take so long, maybe too long.
I know it won’t stay like this and I don’t wanna go back to how it used to be.
I wanna move forward.

But some things just never seem to work for me.
Or they just get in the way of me doing what I want to do.
My brain is part of it.
The way it reacts to it.
I can’t just block it and it’s hard to try to just ignore it or even accept it, I have to keep trying.
But when am I gonna say that enough is enough?
That it’s just not working for me or that it has gotten out of hand.
Cause that’s definitely how I feel and it’s real for me for way too long and I try to make the best of it.

Tried to find my way in a world where it never feels right.
And it has been so horrible.
I’ve been stuck in trying to make it work.
Or just been seeking freedom.
And now I just close my eyes, but I won’t shut down and things are not ok for me and there’s nothing I can do.

Has the courage to reflect on her own decisions.
Shares with us her feelings of love, pain and hope.
She gives advice and strengt hand brings along some greater visions.
And she learns from her and our journeys.
Which we share, sometimes from a distance.
No other mother I would choose, my sister and I are her only babies.
She loves with fire and persistence.
Here and beyond here.
A mother like you is like no other, that’s clear.

Stitches in my mouth
Blood and chocolate
My teeth on a string
Spitting blood

Everything I bite turns to red velvet
Paying in blood
For old ways to make it through the night
Infected wounds
Digging in the dirt
To take out the trash

Stitched back up
Like my stuffed support animal
Having to behave
No drinking

Just suffering, cleaning
Sitting in the noise
Always something happening
Distracting

Dealing with everything
Hanging by a thread
It’s not holding
Falling

It’s not working well
Holding on
Without drinking
And only eating
Red velvet

I love you, I want your hugs.
Escape this life.
Like you show me what love is like beyond this world.

Like it should be.
You let me feel it.
Only for a moment.

I am free against your body.
I am free when we connect.
To that world beyond this world.

Just a moment where everything feels right.
We all need it, sometimes we give everything.
Give too much.

But you can escape in different ways.
Healthy ways too.
Music and creating, whatever sets you free.

Listen to that voice inside that tells you what you need.
A new year where we can all follow our true feeling.
A new year where you can just have your say and do what you must do.

What do you want the most, who do you really love?
I shouldn't try to be all sentimental but we need to do what feels right.
That’s what I think is best cause we are battling and growing.

Narrow ideas about life are over now.
Not just right and wrong, religion, rules.
But energy spread out all over, God is not a thing, not nothing, in everything.

The gates to the spiritual world are always open.
Listen, respond how you feel you need to.
Be you.

Have a good next year, feel free.
I wish for you freedom, love, more peace and passion.
You are worth everything and so much more!

I'm not giving power to the pain.
I choose to live again but I'm getting punished for that decision.
And my keeper has become lazy.
I'm back in the game, I decided to fight some more.
The man that's my biggest reason to fight gets dragged back into my life...
So do I live for him now?
Cause I figured I can't live for me after all.
But he is here with me now too.
So I will be fighting like a crazy warrior!
I'll never forget who I am.
The power of a connection to nature and my own spirit and spirit guides.
Always strong enough as long as I want or need to be, over and over.

I know the power of not giving power to the pain.
And the power of not giving a ****, just doing what is needed to be here.
In a loving way.
Going deep and seek the truth inside me.
Letting the connection take me away.
I am a part of this intense heavy game that is my life.
And beyond...
Always will I know what it's like to be here.
So I'll never fall back into it and I'll be there only for my loved ones when needed.
It doesn't matter where I'll be.
I can survive comfortless nights but in the end I became so aware of it.

So this infection will never leave, the pain of knowing discomfort at night.
The screams of no peace.
The screams of love.
I choose to live again but I'm getting punished for that decision.
And my keeper got lazy.
I'm back in the game, I decided to fight some more.
So do I live to be tortured now?
I can be attacked again.
And I stay.
And I cry.
And I scream.

And I love.
And I can't leave, and I can't live.
My keeper was there for my torture.
My spirit guides are there for my peace.
My lover is there to make me stay.
And for me to drag him back into my world.
I try to let it be wonderful.
But it's horrible so many times.
Every day and every night.
Especially every night.
So I will be fighting like a crazy warrior.

I'll never forget who I am.
Who I've become.
I know the power of not giving power to the pain.
One day I can set myself free.
I won't always continue to fight here cause it hurts like a dragon attacking my body constantly.
And one day I'll stop fighting it.
Do I live for him now?
Cause I figured I can't live for me after all.
But he is  here with me now too.
So I'm a crazy warrior.
I know who I am.
Spiritual, crazy, viking, bleeding, hard, soft, free.

I’ve been sitting around eating my nails.
Waiting to get going.
Heavy burning.
Bricks shoving.
Same old things but in a different way.
Relax, brick by brick.
Heavy and sick.
Same old things in a certain way.
Or else everything falls apart.
And it’s even more heavy.
When will I be done?
And then still I’d be sitting nails eating.
After talking, after a long walk or doing something.
Getting on the go.
Going on my way.
On my heavy burning.
Heavy bricks shoving.
Nails eating, sickly.
Heavy brick by brick way.
Building different things breaking.
Come take a look at my building.
Don’t come in cause it’s falling.
It sure looks very heavy.
Have a look and take a daily picture before it’s fallen to the ground.
I’m just sitting eating my nails right in front of it......

When you forget the feeling of what it's like to be loved you don't miss it as much.
You are one with yourself.
This journey is for you and you don't have to share it.
Share energy,
You grow alone and sometimes may share your findings with friends and family.

Although sometimes maybe something is missing but you're ok.
On your own you decide what to do and when.
It's nice, you feel so free.
Your relationship with yourself is strong and that's how you feel.

You know you, you know what you need and what you can do.
Although at some point you may start to wonder: is this it?
Am I just dealing with daily life by myself?
And when it's hard then you may wonder what the point of going on alone may be.

So you seek and find love again.
But then, the loneliness kicks in when you are not with the other.
You feel lost.
And when being together all the time becomes too much and you take some time alone, you know what you miss.

Loving makes lonely in here.
Loving makes lonely on earth.
Loving makes lonely while being alive.
Loving makes lonely in here.

So empty, too full.
She gave all she could.
But pouring water kept her from breathing.            
Well then what is left to do but drown?

But then look at them judging, why ain’t she swimming?
Can’t breathe, can’t breathe.
They stand there and tell her exactly what to do.
From the sideline.
All she ever asked was for them to understand why.
Why she drowned and sank.

But it was too much to ask so she drowned alone again.
And this time she gave in.
She gave up and blocked out everyone who never listened to her begging.
Just understand that all she was asking was for you to believe that it really was pouring and pouring and pouring.
And it never stopped…

I feel so guilty.
So lost and needy.
I try real hard, but sometimes I am the pain.
Even though it’s the last thing I want.
Why am I like this?
Must be a really good reason.
For this to be caused.
By this lifetime.
I am so sorry.
The last person to deserve it is receiving the call for help.
The one that holds all the horror and the suffering, please please help‼️

And yet that person is the one to answer.
Is the one that helps.
Life in this world can be so cruel.
It is unfair.
Makes me want to leave because it’s better if I make that sacrifice if I can’t change.
But I know it’s also not helping if I leave, they don’t want me to leave.
But it also needs to stop so I need to stop.
Stop this suffering. 😭

I’m so tired and lonely.
I want to lie in somebody’s arms.
Like a baby.
Connected.
And I want to escape from this place forever.
But I can’t find the escape, the connection or the right arms.

The right eyes don’t look.
The hands I love don’t reach.
The voice I long for is saying hurtful things.
The face I want to see is turned.
And the warmth I once felt for a moment turned into a breeze.

It doesn’t accept me.
It blows against me.
Pushes me down.
The last bit of hope to feel something other than the loneliness, the exhaustion, sadness.
It left me.

More empty, more defeated.
But what did I expect?
As if anyone would ever want to hold a baby that keeps crying.
That doesn’t sleep tight.
That is never happy to live.

Always so broken.
Lost in a world that it was forced into.
To live a life that’s way too much to handle and to carry?
Nobody wants to hold a baby that became a grown woman with too much hurt.

To you:

I made a mistake today.
Can’t fix the pain.
I am the one that hurts you.
Again.

Oh no, you’ve got to fix me.
You want to fix me.
I can’t be fixed and I’m that bad.
Again.

Help me, save me, I’m a witch burning.
Still burning and being in pain.
Your pain.
My pain.
My intensity, good, bad and horrible.
Torturing tension.
Sensitivity.

I want to **** that ***** that’s inside.
I want to be ok.
I want to be good.
To you. 😭

To all the people who are tired, overwhelmed, fighting and/or feeling depressed: You rock, you are an amazing, magical being. A warrior deserving of a world that’s loving and giving. You have so much power in you. But it’s always being drained because you give the world so much of you. I’m not going to say thank you because this world to me is not one I like to be in. But your fighting’s not in vain. The world beyond this one may recognize your beauty and your work. May you one day find that thankfulness, that loving and that giving. A world where you can be in. In every way that you deserve to. Find whatever you are longing for with care and so much healing. A way of existing that doesn’t take anything but just gives back what you’ve been in need for. For so long. Hold on, hold on. We all are one!

I'm standing in a dark room with my eyes closed.
I'm finding a new song.
As I fall in love.
As I'm always falling.
Can I be in love with you when I'm not among the living?
I can't sleep.
I can't find comfort in anything.

But the dark room and the song remind me of the moment where not everything is happening .
I'm not missing out on anything.
When I'm in the moment and I see much more in the dark.
I'm missing out when I see everything happening.
Because that's when nothing's really happening to me.

I'll go searching in the dark, maybe I'll find love.
Maybe you will find  me too.
Like the song.
Like the song found me.
As I sing along.
I notice you touching my lips.

Your hands are feeling every movement.
I feel every feeling as I'm singing.
The song that found me.
And I found you years ago but I cannot be in love with you.
Because I'm not among the living.
I can't sleep.
I can't find comfort in anything.

This is all I need right now.
Taking a step back.
All the options are there forever.
The truth, the blood, the pale, the marks.
They will always be there.
As we can create anything and take it all away.
Again.

But this is all I need right now.
As my nose is running.
Over my make up on my skin and lips.
My tummy full of milk and seeds.
Soon I'll be running down the steps.
To sing at the geese on the street.
Again.

All the old songs and videos.
They will always remain with the new.
Bodies grow and gravity pulls them back to the soil.
The ceiling shows pictures of what comes through pavements at other places....

Looking up I know where my friends are.
Looking down I see and feel exactly where they go.
I never walk next to them.
I walk around them.

And this is all I can have right now.
This is all I can do.
This matters so much to me.
That I'm breaking down.
But I'm standing up for me.
Because nobody deserves to stay down for too long.
Again.

So I'm getting up.
Again.
Again and again.
Until I'll be able to create a way out.
A way out.
Forever.
For me and for you.
Because nobody deserves to keep going down.

I need a waterfall of mercy all over my tortured body.
That kept waking up from noises when it got comfy finally. One day it will end, one day I will find peace. But now just let me sleep and not be in this horror please!!!

I’m still surprised by what the people in my dreams do to me.
This is all in my head?
I do wonder.
Am I wandering around in a different world when I sleep?
Cause the people in my dream still surprise me.
Does that mean that I do not know my own head?
I think it’s more, I think I’m wandering.
And the people in my dreams are the people that I need.
And sometimes, many times, I don’t even recognize them.
And it’s just a little thing that’s making me feel like I’m at home.
Just a little feeling.
Just a little smell.
Just a little thing they do.
And it’s surprises me when I wake.
Cause I remember.
They did so much to me by doing so little.
It was so real.
They just feel real and they feel like I belong there.
They feel like I’m home.

Everything is temporary.
But as long as I live I will face the pain.
Sometimes I feel like I became the monster that I had to deal with all of my life.

I’m stuck again in noise and can’t do what I need to do.
I have to “accept” it.
Over and over.

Sometimes when I finally go outside and I look at the crowd I wonder:
What are we even doing?

All these themes, trends, events, things we do.
Some people are just going about their days.
Moment to moment.

For some it takes effort.
To get there.
Nothing is easy, nothing is “normal”.
But then again “normal is a perception”.

So it “natural”.
But things just don’t come natural to me.
Even though it makes sense in the end.

Most of the time I understand.
The balance that is created.
By forcing me to be stuck.

Nothing is ideal in this world.
Be that mess and own it!

Find some peace within you that you can cling to.

Want nothing.
Wanting something only causes stress.

Nothing is ideal in this world.
Be that mess, nothing to lose.

But the distractions, discomfort and the trials are there to disrupt everything.
Everything is a lot.

You can’t expect anything.
Anything’s possible.

But nothing is ideal.
Be that mess, don’t find comfort.

Find patience.
Patience gives you time.

Sometimes it takes too long.
The winner takes everything and you can’t win.

But you also can’t lose.
Because you can’t lose everything.

Everything is too much.
You have to start all over again.

And you can do that sometimes but how many times?
At what cost?
Nothing costs nothing.

But nothing is ideal.
Be that mess and own it!

I came back to the willow tree after the amputation of the branch that was split in a square.
I thought it would be thankful that I filed for it to be cut off by the authorities who could.
I thought the tree would embrace me again.

Cause we both had to let go of things.
I thought it understood.
But I felt resentment when I came to see the tree.
It didn’t embrace me.
In fact, it didn’t even want to acknowledge me there.

Did I do the wrong thing?
I don’t think so because I read about rotting when dead branches keep hanging.
I feel that rotting every day inside of me.
I hold onto thoughts and coping too much.
And I have to try to bend or break them somehow.  

Some are most difficult to break completely.
So maybe it fell forced for the tree as well.
But I think the letting go was necessary and the tree should understand that too.

Trees like that are wise enough, you’d think.
But today I realized something different.
It was probably the way I came along this time.

I didn’t come humble.
I came with a feeling that I did something good.
And maybe that was not the best way because I should also have recognized the pain of the tree.
And I did in a way, but maybe I moved too fast towards the letting go.
Maybe I should have come with care.

With tenderness, empathy and understanding.
I shouldn’t have smiled like everything was fine. Cause I should probably know too well that it’s not just fine just because it has to happen.
It’s not easy to let go.
It takes time and great pain.

And I should have been more thoughtful about that.
So next time I see the tree, I would see the pain and hopefully then it will embrace me like it used to.
Because we both understand that life comes with letting go but that does not mean that it’s easy.
And it feels forced sometimes.
Unnatural.
This world feels unnatural to me too.
Whatever natural may be.
It feels forced.
Forced upon me.

But maybe it’s what I need.
I will need it to move on.
But when?
And why?
I’m not sure.
That makes it extra hard to trust in the process. But that’s all I can do.

I got no other choice in a matter.
I’m not happy about my impatience.
I wish I could just close my eyes and take a long time.
Drink my beer in meditation with small sips.

I try.
It’s the best I can do in this moment.
Just trying to take it really slow.
Some things can wait.
And somethings keep trying to alert me.

And sometimes when I find peace in waiting, then there’s also distracting noise.
Always something.
To do, to deal with.
Or not to deal with if I could only let go.