I can’t help but feel like it takes too much to be ok.
So, I’m not ok.
And I take too much.
I am at this point where people don’t always understand I’m not happy or grateful for life.
But I’m not apologizing for how I feel.
I need to be real and I try my best everyday and every night.

But I need to escape.
And I’m figuring out what is working still which is not a lot
But I’m loving the people that may make me feel a little bit more alive each day.
And the things, the little things, the moments where I can drift away from all that is hurting from all that is wrong.

Those things keep me going and are helping me to hold on and stay.
In the moment in the arms of the people that matter.

🩷🥲🤗🩷

Hugs matter, people matter.
Look at the homeless guy looking at nothing.
All of the afternoon.
He’s just sitting with all of his belongings.
On a brick and I gave him a smoothie and he thanked me in the kindest of ways.
And I just walked away, hoping that I gave him a feeling that he mattered.
Because that’s all that I could give in that moment.

And I only expect people to give what they can give.
Cause that’s all that matters, doing what you can and trying your best.
And if in the end, that’s not enough, then you’re still enough.
Because you are a fighter and therefore winning.
Because you’re always growing.

You experience things from many different sides.
So you know what feels right and what does not.

Young body recovering from the damage.
33 years.
But they seem 3300.
Mind dead.
Brain broken.
Spirit numb.
Can I die?

Only in death I’ll be saved.
From the noises.
From having to make the bed right.
From OCD.
Distractions, overwhelming, being stuck.

I can try to be safe in moments.
But things keep coming back.
So death, safe me from these.
I’m crying for you.
Day and night.

A project of love instead of a project of fear.
Killing my ego.
Step by step.

Fear coming from hope and expectation.
Letting go.
Not expecting, but accepting and trusting.

It’s all I can do.
Before I’m ready to leave.
I think I’m done with all that this world has brought.

But now I’m still taking steps towards leaving.
And that thought is soothing.
Also trying to be in the moment and accepting.
It is what it is.

My journey.
I won’t fight it.
It’s been torture but it’s a process.
My project.
My torment.
My breaking point.
Every time, the things that come back again.

But now I need to let go.
Killing my ego.
Step by step.

Be that mess.
You’ll get through it.
Again and again.

It’s draining and torturous.
So be that mess.
Embrace the dark.

Expect nothing.
Accept everything.
No matter how mean.

It’s so dark.
Telling yourself lies, little white lies.
To create little space.
To get through the day.

The dark is ok.
But not when you can’t sleep.
Not when it’s violently painful to be awake.

To live a life that never feels fine.
You just try.
But need to escape from this world.

Stuck in the moment.
And it’s not pleasant, draining discomfort.
Takes forever.

“You’ll find your peace” is what she said.
It’s what I repeat over and over now.
Daily and at night when everything feels so wrong.
“I don’t like it anymore” is what I said.
It’s what I repeat over and over now.
Daily and at night when everything feels so wrong.

“I can’t get it right, it’s not working”,
“I’m a part of my family so I can do anything”, “I’m save, I’m taking my time”,
“I do it the best way possible”….

It’s been taking too long.
It’s not working for me.
I’m trying to go inside but so much is happening.
Too long.
And not enough.
I need peace and something worth fighting for.
Not to just survive for decades.

I’m not ok with having to constantly find a way through things that aren’t.
Ok.
Ok?
No, it’s not.
No, I’m not.
I’m just trying to find my way out of this.
And not come back but I have to do it in a way that is not ok.
Cause I can’t stay, not even when I try to be save, inside, taking my time, doing what I can…