Even the dreams hurt.
If the willow tree could have turned her back to me, she would.
Even the water is silent.

You told me many things I wanted to hear.
Now they are like fallen leaves.
There’s no place to dance.

I’m tired, but I’m not going to try to sleep.
I’m just sitting here.
Till I’m able to move.

So freaking tired.
No way of sleeping anymore.
I know there is a day waiting.
But I still needed to rest, dear head.
You know as well.
But you’re just as stupid as my heart.
Crossing boundaries, breaking yourself just for that connection and belonging.
Just because you have no peace inside, you’re not comfortable.
And then you’re breaking again.

Because what you want is what you can’t have.
You know you don’t get it here.
Haven’t you learned by now?

I can tell you haven’t.
You never do.
So now I’m sitting here, exhausted and brokenhearted.
Getting ready for an appointment.
A therapy session that I know is not worth the effort.

But I’m supposed to do it for the end goal which is to prove that it’s not gonna work.
That I should be able to leave this world.
Which I already know because one of the things that I’ve learned is that it’s not gonna be alright.
I won’t find the love that I can live with.

I won’t find the peace.
I’m exhausted and I’m depressed.

And there’s reasons for it.
No home, no love.
My grandmother knew the same.
No true belonging.
Just as stable as you can.
Just stable if you can.
Only trying every day to just get through that, one more day.

The sun will rise, but I want to see the sunset with you.
And never have it rise if you’re not there.
Only in your eyes, I will wanna see the morning lights.

Otherwise, I wanna stay asleep.
But I have to get up anyway.
Knowing you’re not with me.
The love I need.
And I learned so much from all of these phases of life.

They say I’m still young.
I feel like I left so many lives inside.
And the older men don’t work on themselves they don’t make the effort.

And if they do, they’re not broken enough to love me the way I should be.
They want to listen to my story and I don’t have to be afraid.
But I also don’t feel any excitement.
No spark.
But the sparks turn into bombs and then they explode.
They hurt.
More than I can take, even though I try everything to stay, not break.

It’s impossible.
I want to teach, I want to learn but I also want to sleep and I want to love.
I want to dance and swim I want to rest my body with yours.
True love, alive, home, feeling good.
The basics of belonging….
I always need to be strong.
Like my family.
My best friend.
Suffering.
I want a lover.
I want to place.
I want to rest my head.
If I can’t, I’ll leave.
And I never have been able to find these three things I crave.
Only in dreams.

Or for a moment, and then I got disappointed.
Bomb exploded.
Broken.
Falling.
Apart.
Nowhere to be.
Carry me home, love that I have been waiting for.
Carrying me home like a baby that’s asleep.
Lie me down beside you.
Let me wake up and see you.
After dreams.
See your eyes, bright.
Feel the spark.
And never let it go.

I’m so tired.
But no way of sleeping.
I know the day is waiting.
But I still need to dream, dear head.
You know as well.
But you can’t escape.
Like my heart.
Slowly dying.
Unable to leave.
There’s no peace inside this prison.
Inside of here there’s only torture.
I have to get straight through it every day.
Always having to go through it always having to work on things.

But in the end nothing feels ok.
Only a moment you can create.
Or receive as a gift.
Just enough.
But it won’t stay and when he leaves it leaves you empty.

The “Turkish” bridal dress.
Even though I am a lonely bride.
They’re only half gifts or no gifts of real love in this life.
I have my best friend, I have my family.
I marry myself and them as well.
I marry the love that I carry.
World can ***** itself.
Cause I don’t want no wedding night.
I just want to run to a tree.
And sing out loud on the street.
I just wanna scream that I am still strong enough to stand.
Cause after all that this world has done to me I’m still standing behind what I’m feeling.
I’m strong and I’m also grateful for the people that matter.
And all the rest can just burn in a hole for that matter.

I don’t even wanna know the answer to the question if I should let them go.
If you make me question your love in the first place, it’s a no in the first place.
And you’re not at the first place.
Don’t ever take away my freedom, don’t even try.
Don’t ever tell me what to do with my friends.
If they feel like a brother, I will treat them like that.
If my mother is willing to grow, I will only support her.
If my father is still fighting for her and for our family, I will support him in every way I can, and I will be true to everything.
I will always stand behind the truth, and I will never ignore or walk away from what really matters.

I will die first before you will make me smaller than the strong person I am from the strong family I know.
Don’t tell me what to do.
It’s not that I don’t acknowledge your feelings.
I just don’t have to go along with everything you tell me that you need me to do in order for you to feel ok.
I will tell you exactly what I feel.
And I will be my own bride.
And then I will just leave you.
I don’t need you to tell me how to be.
I wanted you to carry me home but now I just want you to stay out.
Away from the journey home.
Wherever that is.

My love,
I am sending you my love.
Even though you are not my love.
I receive love.
You are the love that I want to love.
So I’m sending you all the love.
All the love that you give and all the love that I receive I’m reflecting all.
All back to you, my love.
My love, my only place of love.
I feel only love.
With you, love, your love.
Your touch and your gaze.
With you, I can be only inside of loving.
Loving and being.
Inside of love.
My love.

It’s bittersweet to escape the world with you.
When you’re gone, I feel empty.
But then you sent me just enough to keep believing that dreams can happen.

And I keep dreaming.
I keep seeing you.
Those deep set eyes.

They have different vibes.
Sometimes tired and weary, sometimes wild and full of energy.
And magic.
I’m not afraid in the dark.
I’m not afraid of what you tell me from the dark.
And I stay.
Because I don’t know who I am to you when you leave.

And then I’m alone with all the pain all over again.
Never truly with you, never truly without you.

I guess you touched me deeply.
In a way I wasn’t prepared to receive.
Not anymore, not ever again.
You’re not mine.
But I am yours.
I have no destiny.
In this world, my only destiny is to wander.
To meet people as I do.
To be a mirror.
To be a stone, a Labradorite.
To give some insight, to shed a different light on everything.
I’m that moth that comes in somehow.

A message.
I come as an intervention to your story.
I sing a song when the lights go dim.
In between all the plays.
I am that moment where people can decide what’s next.
Or just wait for the next chapter.
But they can see everything that has happened before.
And they can decide what they do after.
I’m always in between places.
Not at home.
Sometimes escaping into a place where I feel mostly as if I’m there.
At home.

Where I belong.
Do I belong with you in some way?

I hope so, because I feel so much when you just only look at me.
I guess I need you as much as you need me right now in this moment.
Let’s embrace it and let’s take it.
What have we got to lose anyway?

But still, I can’t help wishing you were here when you’re not.
I want to escape this world all the time.
And when there’s somebody that makes me feel at home, of course that’s where I want to be.

I want to find the calm before the storm.
Be ok with discomfort.
Be easy.
Take the moment, carpe diem.
But most of all I want a home where I feel loved.
Where I choose to live with someone purely out of love.

I want that dream.
Falling in love and then living.
Falling asleep.
Slowly starting the day.

Feeling completely at peace.
At home.
It’s rare I think if you find this.
If you can have this.
It’s a dream within a world where nothing has ever felt right.

I got a taste of it, but I never got to have it.
Now I’m wondering where to go.
Wandering.
Lost.
Not at peace.
But still in love.
But not at home.
Will I ever find love and a home?
I can’t go on.

Can’t keep wandering around, lost without a home.
Being in love without answers.
And never finding the right place.
Things fall into place eventually but this never has.
Never have I found my true place.
In this world.